Happy New Year from me, Bea Benederet, Part 2

Happy New Years Blanche!

Sorry I cant come to the party this year, Bea.

I broke my leg when I was up at Sun Valley!

Don't worry, Norma. The party is still three weeks away. The penicillin will have kicked in by then.

Bea, if Kate Smith is coming you’d better stock up on the Poo-pourri.

I'll seat her next to Elsa Lanchester. She's used to that.

Why not finish up the original thread first, OP?

^Along comes Bea Arthur to take a dump on the party before it’s even started.

Hey Bea,

Would you like me to clean your carpet before the big bash?

You know, I'd love to do it, sweetie!

Careful, Bea. When Patsy cleans your carpet she leaves it a bit sticky...

Bea Benederet's photo in OPs post bears a striking resemblance to Hoda Kotb.

imho

I'm carpooling with Kathleen Freeman and Reta Shaw in Kathleen's Subaru this year.

I'm not going to get stranded like last year when Tallulah got drunk and scissored all evening in the bedroom with Doris Packer!

I'm bringing my terrific Parker House rolls that Mr. B just can't get enough of...he's putting on a little weight and Missy said it'd be better to take them to Bea's party than have them around the house anyway.

Hey Shirley,

I want you to show me that fingering trick you used at our last Sunshine Girls bowling outing.

[quoter]Bea Benederet's photo in OPs post bears a striking resemblance to Hoda Kotb.

Bea was of Turkish descent; Hoda is Egyptian.

I'm going to bring spaghetti made from Lucille Ball's recipe.

The trick is to serve only one meatball atop a big pile of spaghetti regardless of how many guests you're feeding.

(That cunt knew how to stretch a penny!)

All this about Bea? I thought I was the patron saint of DL! I even have a gay husband.

Viv, you may be the patron saint of DL, but Bea is the ultimate hostess. Could it be that you are jealous of the fact that she was Lucy's first female sidekick (if you don't count Gale Gordon)?

Alright, ladies. Gather round. If your last name begins with A through G, you bring booze. If your name is H through Q you bring ice. R through Z you bring the deviled eggs. There will be 70-80 of us, so someone might want to bring a bag of pretzels.

Marjorie Main will be at the door keeping out the riff-raff and doing a panty check. Tallulah, you goddamn better wear some this year! I won't have you leaving stains on my new sofa! I don't care how much Patsy Kelly promises to clean up after you. Spring Byington will be helping out Estelle Winwood behind the bar. After that wire-hanger dust-up last year, I've put Nancy Kulp on hat and coat check duty, and Joanie Crawford has agreed to supervise the valet parking this time out. Don't forget to tip.

Finally, someone is bringing Arlene Francis as her plus-one, so no one sit on the outdoor lounge under the upstairs bedroom window. We don't want any more "accidents."

[quote]After that wire-hanger dust-up last year, I've put Nancy Kulp on hat and coat check duty

Uh, that "wire-hanger dust-up" was because someone—looking at you, Frances Bavier—thought it would be adorable to bring along that DREADFUL Faye Dunaway and let her do her [italic]Mommie Dearest[/italic] schtick in front of Joan. It was a veritable crime scene of shredded wigs and shattered dental work!

Just to be safe, Bea, put Nance AND Ann B. Davis up front with Marge in case that lunatic shows up again this year. I'll handle the coat-check detail.

Ain't this a kick in the cunt!

A New Year's party with the ladies. Sounds like a blast!

I'll bring a few dozen cases of Schlitz and a couple of cartons of Virginia Slims.

I'll be there if I can find a sitter for my little Ham. Not THAT one- my son! I'll also need a couple gals to carry in the ice. We don't want more green coming off me like last year.

Maud Adams sent her regrets -along with ten cases of champagne.

What a classy guy!

Her second husband, Gene Twombly, a sound-effects technician (both worked on The Jack Benny Program (1950)), died of a heart attack just four days after she died of cancer.

Am I invited?

[quote]Careful, Bea. When Patsy cleans your carpet she leaves it a bit sticky...

Maybe...but oh lord, no one has ever made my eyes roll back in my head like Patsy...

She may be an older gal, but my god, the things she knows how to do...with carpets, I mean.

[quote]Am I invited?—Helen Lawson

Awh Helen, of course, it wouldn't be a party without you!

You were the hit of last year's party, when you burped out "I'll Plant My Own Tree" and finished it off by lighting the biggest fart I'd ever seen!

(And who cares about old Marjorie Maine's ratty fox stole getting scorched! She shouldn't have had her head that close to your ass to begin with!)

Unfortunately, no one got pix of Helen's amazing performance...

But you can use your imagination.

Ms. Walters regrets she's unable to attend, madam.

Admittedly I have bad eyes but she slightly resembles Joan Rivers, prior to her “transformation”.

^ A little, but I think it's mostly just the blonde hairstyle that was similar to Joan's

Bea was big old peroxided Turkish gal.

Joan was a surprisingly tiny doll-like woman.

[quote]Sorry I cant come to the party this year, Bea. I broke my leg when I was up at Sun Valley! —Norma Shearer Thalberg

Oh Norma darling, that's rich!

You always come up with the most clever cover stories...I know, Fleet Week must be just exhausting for you, especially since your tired old body just isn't as resilient as it used to be!

Joan dear, if Norma does make an appearance at this year's party...

You have to promise me you won't track her wonky eye with that laser pointer the way you did last year.

I thought Bea and her friends drank delicious Schlitz, not bourbon.

Bea actually looks in OP's photo more like Dolores Gray's thicker older sister...

Why Bea darling, I was just trying to help your other guests figure out to whom Norma was speaking.

When that eye of hers starts spinning around - it confuses everyone in the room.

Why last year when Norma was talking to Patsy Kelly, poor Patsy got mesmerized by trying to follow that eye and got positively nauseous.

Bea,

I'll organize a committee of the Sunshine Girls to come over and move all your furniture for the dancing and to haul in all the heavy stuff, like the liquor and record players.

Then I'll get another group of the gals to volunteer for the clean up after the party.

Ha, last year we just about gave up trying to find out who all those sticky panties belong to!

Bea, There's a young gal at the front door wearing a big pearl necklace. She says she was "invited" and her name's "Timothy Chalamet" or something foreign-sound like that.

But she smells like an undercover Vice cop to me.

You say the word, and I'll have Reta Shaw rough her up and send her on her way!

Bourbon... Schlitz... the ladies at this party will lap up anything or anyone!

Bea, darling, if Mary Martin is coming I hope you remembered to get the chandelier reinforced? We don't want a repeat of last year's fiasco! Peter Pan my ass...

Bea dahling,

I know that Bette and I aren't regulars at these Sapphic Soirees, but we have certainly taken a dip in that pool from time to time.

And yes, I do remember how badly Bette behaved that year she crashed your party and accidentally set your drapes on fire.

But Bette is absolutely panting to come this year - she just can't abide being excluded from anything to which Joan is invited.

Now she's promised me she'll be on her best behavior if you could possibly see your way to let her come this year. And to make it even more interesting, she says she'll bring a copy of one of Joan's "stag films" - the only copy left that Mr. Mayer didn't find and have destroyed.

And she says she's also got a outtakes reel from "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane" that will put everyone in stiches!

I'll have to send Joanie out for more ice while we watch the stag film. Otherwise more than my new drapes will be on fire!

Oh, Ethel dear, I'm afraid this party is for ladies only. Maybe you could hang out with the other men tonight?

[quote]Why Bea darling, I was just trying to help your other guests figure out to whom Norma was speaking.

Get a load of Miss Fancy Pants and her vast knowledge of the objective case!

Greta has brought the most beautiful spread -all the girls are just lapping it up!

[quote]Get a load of Miss Fancy Pants and her vast knowledge of the objective case!—Miss Ruth Roman, slut and grammarian

Ruth dear, how lovely to see you - I thought I heard you went down on the SS Andrea Doria.

Why I haven't seen you since you played Fraley Granger's mother in that wonderful Hitchcock movie!

[quote]Ruth dear, how lovely to see you - I thought I heard you went down on the SS Andrea Doria.

Why, yes, dear—just as I heard you went down on Marilyn Monroe! She told me she declined to reciprocate, as your Lady Possible smelled rather worse than your much-vaunted meatloaf!

Ok gals,

Who wants to tell Connie Ford that her plate of deviled eggs is full of cat hair again?

'cause it sure as hell ain't gonna be me.

Ruth Roman?

Bea dear, you're guest list is slipping - you used to have only real stars at your parties.

That tranny Ruth Roman has the fuck the crew just to get a guest spot on "Murder, She Wrote".

Ehh, can it, Bea, or I'll push ya under the Xmas tree you still ain't taken down!

Aw honey, Connie Ford ain't as tough as she pretends.

She tried to slap me once, but I kneed her so hard in her cooter she lost her Maxi-Pad somewhere up in there.

Studio had to send her to Cedars Sanai to get a surgical team to find it.

She ain't given me a bit of trouble since then.

Dear Lord, Bea!

If you don't get Bette to stop "performing", this party's going to die faster than that poor bastard husband of hers that she murdered at the Brown Derby.

I'm not kidding, I'll put on someone's panties and go home if we have to listen to any more of this.

I appreciate the invite to your party this time, Bea! I brought some homemade eggnog!

So Donna,

I always imagined you as more of a "hardwood floor" gal.

So nice to see you are open-minded about carpets, as it were.

[quote]I'm not kidding, I'll put on someone's panties and go home if we have to listen to any more of this.

Well, Tallulah, I hear Mrs. Barbara Bush is coming. She's got enough for all of us, if it comes to that!

Even if Barbara Bush shows up, she won't socialize with any us regular gals...

She's always surrounded by those big-tittied LPGA gals, who she offers to help "improve their swing" all evening.

I... cough... recorded a blessing for you.... cough.... Bea.

Ladies, I'd tell you not to get your knickers in a twist -if you were wearing any - but there's no need. I simply told Bette that Joan was by the pool telling backstage stories about Baby Jane, and she took off running toward the back yard.

Now, do we need more ice?

Are the Baddeley sisters coming? Did they get their hands on Bea? I mean her guest list. I mean, are they invited? Sorry, I can never get my tongue to behave when I think of those to charming ladies...

It's begun already! The bathroom door has been locked for 45 minutes, and when I knock all I hear is giggling.

And has anyone seen Spring around? I've been looking for her for nearly an hour!

Wow, you gals sure get started early. Don't get so soused that you miss out on the dance performance I've got planned!

Oh, Cloris, honey -refined ladies like ourselves never get soused! We get pleasantly relaxed, or happy and gay. We'll all be awake and watchin' you do your striptease.

[quote]And has anyone seen Spring around? I've been looking for her for nearly an hour!

Last I saw she was headed to the garden shed with Ann Harding. Something about pruning their begonias. Are those even in season this time of year?

Oh, dear, it seems Marie Dressler has gotten herself a "TikTok"! Bea, when she arrives, please get that gadget away from her so she doesn't air the festivities for all the world to see!

Calm down, Betty. Marie is in Advanced Years. She probably meant she got a pacemaker.

I get to sing tonight, right?

Keep it up! The tradition is still going strong. Best. Thread. Ever.

[quote]I get to sing tonight, right?

Jaye P. Morgan says she has first dibs, Kaye—"beauty before age." This could get messy, I'm afraid.

"Queen Latifah is at the door with two cases of Scotch, but no ice! You said H-Q were supposed to bring ice, Bea! Whether you go by Latifah or Queen she shoulda brought ice!" --Nancy at the Door

"Just collect her panties and put the Scotch on the bar, Nance. Bea won't make a big deal out of it. She loves brown sugar." --Marjorie

Oh, Margaret -I didn't know you'd come -I mean arrived already! Welcome! Welcome! Do you know everyone here? Not biblically, of course...

Shit, never mind, Jaye P. and Kaye—Patricia Routledge says she was promised a singing spot back in June.

Bea, did Ellie Roosevelt and Hick Hickok ever RSVP?

Bea,

Far be it from me to micro-manage your party, but there are quite a few canes piling up by the front door.

And well, I do think we should have someone see to organizing them or later it'll be as chaotic as sorting the sticky panties.

Hoo boy, Pat Routledge. Glad I brought my ear plugs!

"I HEARD that Dame May!"

"And it is not appreciated!"

Hell, just turn off your hearing aid, May. That's what I always do when Jane Darwell sings!

[quote]Far be it from me to micro-manage your party, but there are quite a few canes piling up by the front door.

[quote]And well, I do think we should have someone see to organizing them or later it'll be as chaotic as sorting the sticky panties.

Ask Joanie, aka Miss Good Housekeeping 1953. She's already doing the white-glove treatment on all the surfaces and tsk-tsking disapprovingly. Look at it this way—it'll keep those octopus hands of hers occupied!

Oh Ida dear, I didn't see you there.

I do hope you don't worry too much about MY cleanliness fetish and good housekeeping obsession, because your drinking problem is what you should really focusing on, darling.

Okay, bitches, who's the fat fucking whore who ate the [bold]FIVE[/bold] goddamn trays of rumaki I made? I slaved over those all fucking day! If you tell me it was Helen Cuntface Lawson, I'll punch her right in the baloney lips!

[quote]Okay, bitches, who's the fat fucking whore who ate the FIVE goddamn trays of rumaki I made? I slaved over those all fucking day! If you tell me it was Helen Cuntface Lawson, I'll punch her right in the baloney lips!

"And I'll squish you like a little Japanese beetle...and wipe you off on Bea's rug, just before I do my rendition of 'I'll Plant My Own Tree', you uppity cunt."

Dame Patricia can just sit her white slimline ass (slim, HA!) on the sofa and let me do a few numbers. Have Patsy Kelly sit next to her. That'll keep her occupied!

"Who here hasn't seen my documentary 'Wait for Your Laugh'?"

"Come in the bedroom, and I'll show it to you while Kaye sings."

"Come on, I borrowed my grandson's laptop, and you all heard that Old Meatball wail before!"

Now, now, ladies. Let's keep this a friendly gathering! Miyoshi, you're such a lovely little thing and I'm sure you taste delicious -I mean I'm sure your remake was delicious. I haven't had a piece of yours, yet, but I promise I will before the evening's over.

Helen, don't make me sit on you like I had to do when you came for Anna May Wong! I will not stand for your racist-ass shenanigans again this year!

Fuck Latifah! Now that Hattie's here we have REAL royalty! Everybody kneel before her!

Aw Hattie, you always say the nicest things...and it's been way too long since we "sat on each other" anyway.

Whadaya say we go into the Master Bedroom and 'catch up', huh sugar?

Did someone say Eleanor Roosevelt was coming? Her hot dogs make me lose control!

No, Jane. They said when Eleanor is coming you can hear it a mile away. She's the one who loses control.

Oh, the stories coming out of the White House during the Depression...

"Oh Jane dear, with that butch haircut you've been wearing for decades now, no one would ever expect you to be heterosexual."

"All that mannish butch energy, you've just got to dip your toe in sometime."

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, would somebody please tell a joke? Things are gettin' tense and me nerves need calmin'!

Just go sit next to Ida - you'll get calmed down just by the fume comin' off of her.

Good Christ, guess who promised not to wear a bra tonight?

Who's the fat colored gal talking to Helen Lawson?

Dear heavens, speaking of First Ladies, I COMPLETELY forgot that Bess Truman is coming too and she's bringing Margaret with her! Pat and Kaye, better have your shepherd's crooks at the ready!

Miss Crawford, I speak for everyone when I say you are one of America's greatest actresses, and we have heard all the lip from you we're going to take tonight. If you can't behave we're gonna shove a bottle of COKE so far up your loose snatch that you can pull the cap off with your molars.

Nancy dear, I think you have a little foam at edge of your mouth...

and it isn't very becoming, darling.

Oh no, I just saw Franklin Pangborn and Clifton Webb pulling up! MEN ON THE LAND!

Too much space between her nose and top lip. Freaky.

^ OMG MEN, this was supposed to be a "Safe Space".

Goddammit, if that little queer in the pearl necklace, Timothy Chalamet, hasn't fainted.

That's not foam, Joanie. I've just been nibbling at some brown sugar, if you know what I mean. You should try it. It might keep you from talking too much.

Miss Crawford, I would like to sincerely apologize for the things I said earlier.

I've always been a huge admirer of yours...it's just the pressure of trying to handle all these canes, and coats, and fanny packs...I had no idea it would be so difficult..

Watch it, Nancy! Hattie is MINE.

R96, my apologies ladies.

And now I'd like to sing for you a little number I do in my Vegas shows...

It's called "Volare"

While Nancy is taking a little nap/break, would you please help out at the front door, ZaSu? Thank you. And don't tell anyone, but all you need to do is line up each cane against the porch rail and drape a pair of panties over the top. It doesn't really matter who goes home with what. Most of 'em won't be able to see straight for a week!

Bea, we've run out of paprika for the deviled eggs. Would you be a dear and ring up the "Instacart" for Gelson's?

I'm having a bad one. My girlfriend and I are both working like ten hours today, this whole year has been about keeping our heads above water and nothing else. We made some progress but it's really exhausting. I hope we get into a position to have some free time this coming year.

"Consider it done, Edith dear. I don't know how we managed to go through 12 dozen deviled eggs already -why the sun isn't even low in the sky! You'd think Joan Crawford was stuffing them up her muff or something..." --Bea

"No, Bea, she always smells that way." --Maud A.

Oh, dear. I think we have a party crasher at R104. I knew we shouldn't have let ZaSu take over from Nancy at the door. The position needs someone with balls.

Lordie, all these young broads so obsessed with arguing and sex...

It reminds me of the time in 1977 when I accidentally drank Ida's 100 proof Smirnoff's, and I ended up doing a striptease on the patio.

While you're at it, Bea, order us some Green Gobbler—somebody clogged the crapper ... AGAIN.

Dammit Jane, you played a plumber in those damn commercial for all those years.

Why does my toilet get clogged up every time you come to my house?

God on a wheel, Nance, come with me and help Babe Didriksen in the front yard! She's got Franklin Pangborn and Clifton Webb in a double headlock and they're both screaming "RAPE"!

George, honey, should I call the police? Bea is having another one of her wild New Year's Eve parties and it's not even two o'clock! Lizabeth Scott and Nancy Kulp are beating poor Frankie Pangborn and Clifton Webb to a pulp with canes in broad daylight!

Say goodnight, Gracie.

[quote]Oh no, I just saw Franklin Pangborn and Clifton Webb pulling up! MEN ON THE LAND!

"MEN?" I'm assuming you're using the term very loosely. Almost as loose as Franklin's hole.

No need to call Instacart, dears ... we can just call my dear friend Brenda Dickson. She's camped out in front of Gelson's fulltime now. Homeless, you know, the poor thing.

R106 I'm sorry I thought this was like a normal how's everyone's new year post and I rushed to the reply form. Completely missed that this is all a bit. Sorry for my intrusion I would delete the post if it was an option.

Geez, will someone please crack a goddamn window? These deviled eggs ain't doin' me no favor!

Minerva Urecal and Doro Merande just showed up in matching tuxedos. Isn't that sweet?

Madge Blake and Doris Packer are bra-swapping!

[quote]Completely missed that this is all a bit.

At best.

Dammit, Richard Haydn just drove up with that trash Barbara Payton to join in the brawl in the front yard! Bea, where's that Louisville Slugger? THIS ENDS NOW.

Oh, shit, Totie Fields lost her balance!

Fran Ryan at R121, you shouldn't be casting aspersions on one so young! She's only 48, the poor dear!

Kitty Carlisle just told me that Elaine Stritch is already half in the bag, and it's still so early!

Gary! After you freshen my drink you need to go out to the car and get me another pack of Chesterfields. And hurry up, for Christ's sake!

Lucy, you know that Mary Jane Croft, Vanda Barra, Doris Singleton, Carole Cook, Viv and I just ADORE you, but next year, leave Gary home.

What's that stench? Oh, God -- did June Allyson forget to change her bladder pad again?

The lovely Miss Arlene Francis can liven up any party.

Just don't let her near any upstairs windows.

This Old-Fashioned tastes remarkably redolent of Helenesque. It's not half bad, though.

Will someone tell that bitch Cathleen Nesbitt to stop playing on my Acorn Stairlift!

Bea's eyes are as black as her soul.

Oh, let Cathy have her fun, Bea. It's not like the time June Gittelson rode it sitting in Grace Hayle's lap. Besides, you promised I could ride it this year too.

Amzie Strickland is running around telling everyone she's wearing a Don Loper "original." As if. It looks like it came from Zody's.

R131 = the bitterly envious Joan Davis

Shhh! It's almost time for the traditional singing of "Auld Lang Syne" by Florence Halop, Jean Carson, Iris Adrian, and Selma Diamond.

HELLLLLLLEW, everyone! So thrilled to see you all! Who wants a frankfurter? Hick brought potahto salad, by the by!

Jesslyn Fax and Sara Seegar just "accidentally" knocked over Hermione Gingold. Does anyone have a winch?

Howdy, Bea, Jane Withers said you had a plumbing emergency—which way to the john?

Mary Grace, you're a lifesaver! When you finish in the bathroom, please take off your panties and stay awhile.

[quote]Shhh! It's almost time for the traditional singing of "Auld Lang Syne" by Florence Halop, Jean Carson, Iris Adrian, and Selma Diamond.

Needs a soprano. Count me in!

"Lizabeth and Nancy have made short work of the "men" and are now being fawned over by the invited guests. I'd swear Lizabeth is wearing a pair of testicles as earrings! Nancy, meanwhile, is recounting how she gave Franklin such a tremendous wedgie that he's using the waistband of his shorts as a necktie." -- June Allyson

Did Penny Singleton bring Dagwood sandwiches again this year?

What? You mean Jeff Donnell and Cornell Borchers are CHICKS?

Peggy Cass and Jane Dulo are outside on the teeter-totter. I hope they keep their panties on this year.

Yep, R142, she made 'em with ham from her own little oven! HOT-CHA-CHA!

OK, who brought the Donald Trump dildo as a white elephant gift? Was it you, Ivana?

Make sure you go see Polly Bergen before you leave, gals -- she giving out free samples of that turtle oil lube she's pushing.

Bea, isn't there supposed to be a dress code? Mercedes De Acosta just showed up tits to the wind.

Where are the fucking capers?!?!

Who shit on the rug in Betty White's guest room?

You KNOW she's not feeling well.

[quote]Just to be safe, Bea, put Nance AND Ann B. Davis up front with Marge in case that lunatic shows up again this year.

I put Ann and Nancy up front last year Gladys, don't you remember? They disappeared for two hours until Marge found them in one of the back bedrooms.

Well, hello thar, ladies, this here shindig sahnds like it's gonna be a real ripsnarter! Ah had the day off from the grocery stahr and Ah made my mah famous carn and Velveeter dip!

Arlene Francis brought a case of Vat 69. It's in the trunk of her car, can somebody run out and get it? Ever since she did that ad for them they've been sending her free cases of the stuff hand over fist. Elaine Stritch is seething with jealousy.

Excuse me, Bea,

But who exactly invited all these dick-loving cunts this year?

Hazel said I shouldn't say anything, but this party has always been just for "us" gals.

Oh, calm down, Maudie. I heard Annie is "fluid" after a few Pink Squirrels.

Yeah Bea,

Why doesn't Agnes Moorehead come anymore?

She used to be a lot of fun, until she started hanging around with that Debbie Reynolds.

Those straight bitches already have everything - and now they want to ruin our annual New Year's Eve party.

Ladies, there are fairies at the bottom of Bea's garden. And by "fairies" I mean Franklin Pangborn, Clifton Webb, and Richard Haydn! Good show!

Mary G, you know Debbie was a PE major in college, right?

Goodness, our ears are burning! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Listen Reta,

Do me a favor - go give Mary Grace and Maudie a fresh drink, and just you know, flirt with them a little bit...

This is their one big night a year when they want to feel pretty, and they don't need Anne Miller and Kaye Ballard shoving their big tits in their faces.

Debbeh, Ah am SO happy for yew! Nah, if ya don't mind, go tell June Allyson to get a grip! She's been letting out STRINGS OF CUSS WARDS since she got here!

Mary Grace, tonight's your night! Ann just told me she's gonna sing "It's So Nice to Have a Man Around the House" and dedicate it to you!

Speaking of grip -Where is that Polident-hawking Martha Raye? She's the only gal in town with a mouth big enough for all of Butterfly's... charms.

Christ, when Nancy Kulp told me "I'm going to have a little nip" I thought she was about to go down on Myoshi's snatch. Turns out she just wanted a drink.

[quote]Arlene Francis brought a case of Vat 69. It's in the trunk of her car, can somebody run out and get it?

Vat 69, huh? Looks like she came to the right party!

Now Mary Grace, I want you to try this drink...it's delicious and it'll make you feel better

And it'll even put hair on your chest, honey...

That's it, sweetie

Listen Maudie,

I understand what you and Mary Grace are complaining about. Lordy, I sure can't keep up anymore with what the young dykes do or call themselves or how they carry on.

And if makes you feel any better, Tallulah pushed that Timothy Chalamet into the linen closet and finger-banged him before she realized...well, you know what I mean.

Sometimes you just gotta go with the flow and try to have a good time.

Hewwo, Miss Pwickett, you're wooking wovewy tonight!

"Miss Nancy did go down on my snatch, Miss Lucy-san. It was very pleasurable. You should try it. Does Mr. Gary ever go down on you? No? I didn't think so."

(What a total cunt she is! And a racist bitch, too...) --Miyoshi Umeki

Miss Corby, I was just telling my friend JoJo how eager I am for an older woman to teach me the ways of LUV.

Demi, honey, there's a line twenty gals long waiting to interview for that position.

-Ellen

Back off, bitches! Miss Corby is MY date, starting now!

Martha Raye (whispering to Maudie), "Remember Maudie, crazy in the head; freaky in the bed."

And I call smell the crazy on this one...

Also, Maudie, that JoJo kid is TOTALLY BALD. That ponytail is a wig!

Would anyone care for some fudge? It is the FOOD OF PARADISE, if one says so one's self.

[quote]And if makes you feel any better, Tallulah pushed that Timothy Chalamet into the linen closet and finger-banged him before she realized...well, you know what I mean.

Dahling, that is a FILTHY lie! I let him suck my cock!

Annie, love, go easy on that fudge. That's your second piece, not to mention your third Pink Squirrel.

Miss Scott, if I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

I'm praying for you all ... to lift up my apron and go to town!

Reta, is that Mia Farrow's son over there, or is it her daughter? I ... I just don't know.

Bea, darling! You remember me? Estelle, Winwood, that's right, Tallulah and I...the Algonquin Round Table. Oh those days...My, you look lovely! I came over with Gloria Swanson, and she brought the most divine vegetarian dish in loveliest tin box! She wonders why they didn't ask Joan Davis to play Ethyl? I had no answer for her but, well Vance did it so well, though, didn't she dear.

I've got a piece of gossip for you, Bea honey. Barbara Stanwick just walked in with Robert Mitchum, on the way over she smoked one of what she called his 'little funny cigs' and she told me her great regret in life is she loved Marilyn and was so hurt it just went no where. Fell flat, flatter than a flapper. Was so in love with her. Well, so many were. Marilyn, you know, she was a busy bee but Monroe, though she said she had feelings for her felt it just wouldn't look right, would hurt her career and was on the make for a man all the time. She did like men but they just never satisfied her. She had some expectations, I don't know, the movie goddess but in real life, well, it just doesn't work that way.

Mitchum took one look at Chalamet and said 'oh forget it' and left. He tore off in that cute 2 door sports car he wheels around the Hills in. I wish he stuck around because he said he wanted to tell me some hilariously funny story about Rudy Vallee and Jane Greer. Tell the truth I think he had a blond moment in mind ;) anyway.

Barbara wants to know who might give her a ride back to the Hills when it's time but whatever you do don't let it be with Lee Majors.

Hi, Ann B.! My name's Ann too! *hic*

Godammit June Allyson just shit her pants again. I swear that woman is a walking shit factory.

"Ann & Ann, no need for a man ..."

Jesus, who let the eighth-graders in? This isn't some bulldagger day-care center!

Miss Kelly, I'm VERY mature for my age. Let's play Diana and Prince Charles!

Great, honey. Go get in the car...

Martha, you're absolutely right—these young ladies are touched in the head. The Lovato girl just introduced herself to me as "Poot."

Who the hell included me in this carpet munching fest! Hell I can’t stand the smell of my own pussy.

Girls, let's all gather round the piano now! No, Kaye -not to sing. Okay. Now I'm gonna draw a name from the hat, and that person has to do a seductive dance on top of the piano. Everyone else has to hold a dollar bill in their mouth and...

Neither can anyone else, Ethel. But putting your name on the guest list kept all the straight men away for the evening, sweetie.

Aw, Ethel, have a Pink Sqarl and some marijoowana fudge and LAHTEN UP! [bold]WOOOOOOOOOOO![/bold]

[quote]Okay. Now I'm gonna draw a name from the hat, and that person has to do a seductive dance on top of the piano. Everyone else has to hold a dollar bill in their mouth and...

And there goes Ann Miller, bumpin' and tappin'! GO ON, GIRL!

I love her, I really do.

Did anyone invite Gladys George or Gladys Cooper?

I think I'm at the wrong party.

Don't worry, Miss Canfield, I'll be your date. Ann Miller's pussy stinks anyway!

Well, hello, Ethel. It's been a minute!

Bea, make sure you set aside twenty or thirty bottles of champagne for the midnight toast! Are there any more deviled eggs?

-- Bea Arthur

[quote]Well, hello, Ethel. It's been a minute! —Jackie Susann

Exactly, Jackie - Ethel Merman seems to be revising history again.

Ethel dear, how did that marriage to Ernie Borgnine work out for you?

I hear it was a constant fight, Patsy, over which one of them had the bigger dick and hairier chest...

-Mary Martin

Girls, [bold]GIRLS,[/bold] stop fighting over the mic! Patricia, Kaye, isn't there a nice duet the two of you could do?

A true star doesn't push herself forward to sing at parties. She allows herself to be talked into it after much pleading from the other guests.

-Mary Martin

[quote]I think I'm at the wrong party.

[quote]—Gladys Knight

Uh ... not necessarily. Wanna see my Emmy Award?

I invited Gogi Grant. She'll lead us in a rendition of Auld Lang Syne

Mary is so fucking la-di-da, I can't stand her. The bitch thinks her snatch don't stink. I can sing circles around that cunt any night of the week. Someone hold my drink!

-Kaye

NOT ANOTHER WORD! 🎶 [bold]CLIMB EV'RY MOUNTAIN ...[/bold] 🎶

Oh, I cunt face it!

Yoo-hoo, is anybody home? We brought five gallons of "The Recipe"!

Oh, not those old cunts! As if I didn't have to deal with them enough already...

-Ellen Corby

Bea, Patsy Kelly, Nancy Kulp, Marjorie Main, and Spring Byington are going to head upstairs for a little private fun. Would you like to join us? We'll understand, of course, if you need to nip out and tend to your guests, but it's more fun with you there. We all just love making you do the Betty Rubble laugh!

-Tallulah

Where is Bea? I haven't seen her for the last hour... For that matter, I haven't seen Patsy, Nancy, or Tallulah either... ?

-Maud

La Routledge seems to have stopped the party cold. I shoulda done my medley from Molly...

-Kaye Ballard

Chez Benaderet is awash in a sea of pussy juice as I type.

Don't worry, Linda, we have Patsy here and she just loves to clean up...

-Tallulah

George, George! Wake up! There's a lot of moaning coming from Bea's house. Should I go over and check up on things? Make sure everything is okay? And I really should apologize to Bea for calling the police earlier this evening. Poor Clifton Webb will never be able to explain those black eyes to his mother -not without a sailor involved. I'll just head over and peep in a window. I'll be right back...

—Gracie Allen, next door

Betty Rubble was no dyke and I'm the guy that can prove it!

Gunilla Hutton, Jeanine Riley and Meredith MacRae are having a Jell-O wrestling match in the basement!

Come on, Sunshine Girls,

I know this place is a wreck, but let's sing while we work!

Fuck off, Shirley! Someone find another bottle of Scotch, for god's sake!

-Ellen Corby

Bea, I'm sorry to call so early after a late party, but have you seen Gracie? I have a vague memory of her telling me she was going to go over and check up on you sometime in the night...

-George Burns next door

Don't worry, George, she's here. Barbara Stanwyck found her peeking in through a window and invited her in. You know Gracie -within minutes she was hte life of the party! She said to tell you she'll be home late, after Patsy Kelly finishes giving her some carpet cleaning tips.

-Bea

Oh mah GAHD! How'd Ah end up in bed with Alice from the Bradeh Bunch? And what happened to mah underwahr?

Oh my DEAH, what an exciting night it was! Patricia Routledge and Kaye Ballard fistfighting, Hattie McDaniel dahncing in the nude on the piahno, and all those delightful young ladies flirting with the older ones! Now, I simply MUST find some Alka-Seltzah ...

No one's buying that line anymore, Ann... We've all been here too many times. Well, except for Lucy. She barges in, sits and smokes and makes caustic comments, and then leaves in a huff when no one wants to touch her or her dry, unclaimed panties.

-Polly Bergen

Natalie, is Dawn Wells picking you up? If so, please invite her in for a drink!

-Nancy

Psst! Bea! You're not gonna believe this... Spring just told me that she came t... um... work up on your guest room floor. As she stood up, trying to get her eyes to fo... um... to get her balance, she saw Those Two intertwined on the bed! Yep. It looks like one of Hollywood's most famous feuds is over! The well and truly buried the hatchet last night. Smells like a cannery up there!

-Margaret Dumont

GET THIS GODDAMN TACO-BUMPER JACKIE SUSANN OFFA ME!

Guess who got to be Eleanor Roosevelt and Lorena Hickok's plus-one last night?

Relax, Ethel. She only passed out. Your "virtue" is still safe... Now quiet down before you wake the whole house. Has anyone seen Kaye Ballard around? I think this is her bra. Someone stretched it between to doorways and used it as a hammock...

-Dame Patricia Routledge

OK girls, I'm makin' Bloody Marys! Take some and leave some!

Except for you, Ethel. Just take some and LEAVE.

-Bea Arthur

Richard, Clifton, HELP! Those awful lesbians tied me to a tree with a brassiere and I can't free myself! Now people are driving by and taking pictures! Oh, dearie-dear!

Relax, Franklin dear. Having any connection whatsoever with a woman and her bra can only do your reputation a world of good.

-Marjorie Main

Whoever said youth is wasted on the young had their head up their ass!

Ladies, my Harry Winston engagement ring is missing! Oh, Agnes is REALLY gonna give me what-for!

Ok, ladies! Everybody check your snatch for Little Debby's ring! You can leave it there and have her fish around for it if you like...

-Marjorie

Hey, gals! Guess who got to take a dip in Veronica Lake last night?

Okay -cough up Debbie's ring. Agnes is getting testy... Best find it now before she gives everyone a tongue lashing...

-Bea

Ah-hah! I heard there was a lavender ladies chow down party last night and now I see it’s true! Bea Bea, why wasn’t I invited? Oh. The treachery!

Well, fine! I don't need you, either, Ann!

^ Sure Jan.

Alla, you were invited -of course! I asked Dorothy Arzner to deliver your invitation personally. Come to think of it, I don't recall seeing her last night, either...

-Bea

Oh, Ann B., just ignore her. You know I'd be happy to help you clean up.

-Patsy Kelly

This is the last time I'm comin' to one of these wing-dings in my Beulah costume. I ain't cleanin' up no white folks' messes!

Don't be so silly, Louise! You know Patsy does all the cleanup. Why, by tomorrow this place will be spotless, and every carpet will have been cleaned several times.

-Bea

This is always my favorite part of the party. Most of the gals have gone home and now just a few of us are enjoying a drink by the fire... Of course, the house still smells like a fish market...

-Bea

Bea, can I join you for a drink? I’m exhausted! I just spent two hours as the filling in a Beulah Bondi-Blanche Yurka sandwich and I can hardly move.

I barely have enough energy to drive home and put my car in the garage.

Thelma, honey, all of my guest rooms are full, but you're welcome to bunk with me if you like. You can tell me all about Blanche. Is it true that the carpets didn't match the drapes?

-Bea

Thelma, you and Marjorie really need to go home now. I'm out of deviled eggs and only have three inches of Scotch left. We'll do this again next year.

Happy New Year to you all!

Attention, Ladies! The holidays are upon us and it's time to start planning this year's party! If your name starts with A-through-G you bring deviled eggs. If you're H-through-N bring ice. Lots of ice. Lots and lots of ice. The O-to-Zs should bring champagne for the midnight toast. And none of that cheap crap that some of you bitches tried to foist on us last year, thank you very much...

Also, if your name has a vowel in it bring a bottle (or two... or a case) of gin. If you have a consonant in your name, bring a bottle (or two... or a case) of whiskey.

And no fucking men this year! I repeat that -NO MEN! (Sorry Gale, Franklin, Clifton, and Vincent. You know you're always welcome at Roddy's party at the beach house.) Marjorie Main and Kaye Ballard will be on door duty, and Spring has promised to queef in the face of any man they pin down.

The festivities start promptly at 7:30!

Bea, I invited a couple of good old gals from over across the lady pond, Hermione Gingold and Molly Sugden. Molly promised she would bring her pussy but that it's been confined for some time.

I know, I know, It's Mollie! I know how uppity some of you broads get.

Hermie is a very, very old friend -she's always been a part of the club. Ms. Sugden will, of course, be a welcome guest, but we'll have to keep an eye on some of the other ladies who might offend her British sensibilities. If her furry little pussy has been confined for some time we don't want to frighten it! I'll ask Nancy Kulp to play nursemaid. She's always been very good with pussies.

Where's MY fucking invitation?

Miriam, Miriam, Miriam... Did you really expect to be invited back after the ruckus you made during my Covid Lock-Down New Years party? All that screaming and yelling about Spring Byington farting on you worse than Arnold! The neighbors called the police -it was all very embarrassing. Poor Spring was in tears for days afterward, sobbing that at her age she couldn't help it. Until you and Spring kiss and make up you're just going to have to spend New Year's Eve with your Harry Potter friends.

Can we bring Pat Routledge with us?

Is Anne Murray bringing poutine again? That shit repeated on me for DAYS.

Oh, Pat Routledge comes every year! She and Kaye play dueling divas after a few beers and everyone places bets on who'll get her tits out first.

Bea dear, what a great idea. I would LOVE to play nursemaid! You just send any gal who needs her wounds licked or tenderly ministered to my way and Nurse Nancy will take it from there.

Bea honey, I’d like to drive up from Palm Springs that day if you can squeeze me in.

Just don’t ask about Ethel. I’ve tried and tried, but she always says she can’t even stand to look at her own pussy in the shower, much less dine on someone else’s.

I hope Thelma Ritter took the hint and used that new douche I gave her for Christmas. Hoo-EEE did her pussy stink up the place last year!

Oh, Selma! That wasn't Thelma who was fishing up the place last year -that was Miss Lucille Ball. She thinks her pussy don't stink, and refuses to do any of the dainty, feminine hygiene things that the rest of us do. If you thought it was bad at my house, you should try working with her on a set under the hot lights! I've seen grown cameramen faint.

So, who is Connie Ford gonna shove into the Christmas tree this year?

In case the weather is cold, the gals can warm up their hands to this number.

Oh, I have learned my lesson! The tree is now embedded in a concrete stand that cannot be knocked over, R264. Last year, when Patsy Kelly and Ann B. Davis had their little... altercation, all that happened was a few shattered balls. On the tree, not Ann's.

Ladies! Listen up! I really appreciate how many of you have been stopping by to drop off cases of gin, vodka, and whiskey for the party. But it's a little early to drop off ice. My outdoor freezer is full to the brim already. And special thanks to Patsy Kelly who has been stopping by for an hour every day. My rug has never been so clean! It's easy to see why Tallulah says no one gets in there and cleans up like Patsy!

Does anyone know if Lizabeth Scott is coming this year? Her invitation came back in the mail as "forwarding expired." It wouldn't be the same without her doing all those translations for us -she's a cunning linguinguist.

Negress.

^ Amateur

[quote]It wouldn't be the same without her doing all those translations for us -she's a cunning linguinguist.

I don’t care what kind of pasta she likes.

Don't you worry your pretty head, Patsy. I'd match your... linguine skills with Lizbeth's any day!

Will Mary and Ethel be coming this year? I just love it when Ethel does her impression of Mary in Peter Pan!

Please tell me Iris Adrian doesn't plan to attempt "Climb Ev'ry Mountain" again this year.

She only did that to get Julie Andrews riled up. And it worked! They decided to have it out once and for all. They were in that bedroom for hours!

Op was that you at n drag back in the day?

OMG! look who just dropped in! And I mean reeeaaly dropped in! Peg Entwistle!

Tessie O'Shea is telling everyone she's into BDSM now.

Why does June Allyson have such a huge handbag? She can't possibly need that many bladder pads for one night!

Kathryn Card, Elizabeth Patterson, Elvia Allman, Edith Meiser, Verna Felton, Madge Blake, and Eleanor Audley are having an "old broads from "I Love Lucy" reunion over in the corner. Maybe this year we can convince one of them to tell us about Viv's carpet-drape situation.

I'm a lifer!

[quote] Don't you worry your pretty head, Patsy. I'd match your... linguine skills with Lizbeth's any day!

[quote] —Marjorie Main

Please, please do!

Lizabeth Scott 💗 💘 💝 💖 💓 💞 💕

Lesbians 🙄

Shhh! Don't let June hear you, R278! We all know June hasn't worked in decades, and we all know about her little... problem. Before she leaves, that capacious handbag will be full to overflowing with Bea's deviled eggs. Poor thing will eat nothing else until they go bad -and maybe beyond. No one really knows how long she keeps them because we're all afraid to go over to her house in case one of her farts explodes. All I know is that last year the neighbors complained about the smell well into February...

Rock, honey? You can go and fuck yourself, sweetums. We are, all of us, classy broads. You wouldn't catch one of us getting arrested in a public restroom now, would you? Unlike you and some of your "friends..."

Please tell me Barbara Billingsley isn't going to try to teach Moms Mabley and Hattie McDaniel how to speak "jive" again this year.

OK, whose idea was it to serve a huge platter of pickled tongue?

We prefer the tongue eat us -not the other way around!

I think Ann B. Davis got the tongue (the tongue on the platter, bitch!) from Sam the Butcher.

^^^ Well, lord knows she didn't get it from Mr. Brady!

Who's bringing the Schlitz? Mary Wickes?

Alright, the downstairs powder room is clean enough to eat off of! And let's KEEP it that way.

Nobody gets to take a swing at the miniature Shirley Booth-replica piñata hanging from the ceiling, unless they make sure to be wearing their Madonna cone bra-style Holidays mask!

Do we need more ice?

Is it Bee Benna-dare-it or Bee Ben-a-der-Ray?

It is Ben-a-DARE-et.

–That is my answer

But tonight, Bea's gonna grin-and-BARE-it.

Well I never!

Who's been talking???

Bea, did you ever hook up with Fran Bavier? I always thought a Bea-Bee scissoring match would be a hoot!

Bibi, a true lady never talks about those with whom she has been intimate. I'll leave the speculum to others.

Why not go all-out and have a Bea-Bee-Bibi threesome? Or we could has someone with the initials B.B. and make it a foursome? That would be great for bridge afterward! Let's see... There's that adult actress Briana Banks? A bit young, perhaps... Or that fit Canadian rugby player, Brittany Benn? Let's see... Betty Berzon. Bernice Bing... Betty Birch... Oh! Betty Bishop! I love her poems. Belle Blair? Barrie Jean Borich? How about speed skater Brittany Bowe? Bunny Breckinridge? Does she count? I can't recall if she had the operation or not...

I'll let you decide, Bibi. I usually just choose companions for their charm, wit, and taste.

Oh, dear! That horrible autocorrect... Of COURSE I was typing "speculation" in my previous post!

Merry Christmas, Ladies!

Get those eggs boiling and keep those ice trays full! Parking might be a bit tight on Sunday, but never fear. I'm sure Clifton Webb won't mind a few cars parked in his yard. The poor dear will be so busy with his tatting and crochet work that he'll likely never even notice!

[quote] I'll leave the speculum to others.

They might use it to investigate your vajayjay on the insides post-mortem when you go, Bea! You better pack it up and keep it in the safe - along with the obols - and take it with you to the grave! (Then pray that grave robbers don't dig you up, as [italic]they[/italic] might decide to use it.)

[quote] Oh, dear! That horrible autocorrect... Of COURSE I was typing "speculation" in my previous post!

Oh, no! PLEASE let it remain "speculum"! I so enjoyed that image... Kiss (to you. Down there. Yes. You read it right. And it wasn't the autocorrect. I never! But I just did. There!).

Attention, ladies! I'm afraid we have a parking problem. Clifton Webb tells me he is hosting is only little "sewing circle soiree" and will need the space for his own guests. I know Cary Grant and Randolph Scott are carpooling, but Rock, Tab, and Roddy and the others will be coming in separate cars. Maybe the neighbors across the street won't mind? I can't ask George and Gracie this time, as George still hasn't forgiven me for Gracie being here for three days after last year's party.

PARKING UPDATE: The guests have already started arriving -and it's not even noon! My lawn and the street are already full. Room for maybe four or five more at the Burns house. No sign of anyone at Clifton's yet. Could he have been fibbing to me to protect his tulips?? I can already tell we're going to need a lot more ice!

Clifton's party has relocated to Billy De Wolfe's place. Clifton said his guests kept complaining about the stink of fish.

Thanks for the heads-up, R305! Ladies! You can park at Clifton's! Oh, and I hear someone is contemplating a pantry raid this year. To save a lot of trouble and misunderstanding, how about everyone just leaves their panties in a box at the front door? Please use a separate box if you're having your monthly visitor. We don't want any passed-out men on the porch!

[quote]Oh, and I hear someone is contemplating a pantry raid this year.

Bea, honey -- we would definitely prefer a PANTRY raid to a panty raid.

Hmm... Was that autocorrect or a freudian slip? Either way, I'm hungry.

Bea--you're in luck! The tuna taco buffet is set up and open for business!

Oh, Nancy -you're always right there to put your finger on the right spot and lend a helping hand. :)

Girls! Reta Shaw's gonna do that trick with martini glasses on her tits again!

Shit. As if I didn't have a glass shortage already!

But you carry on, Reta dear! You have such lovely, large tits.

Oh my ... Connie Gilchrist has gotten up to demonstrate "the new dances."

Shake 'em, Connie!!

Bea! Bea! Where's another bathroom? Barbara Stanwyck and Agnes Moorehead have been in there forever "fixing their makeup" and I need to piss like a race horse! Oh -never mind. They're just coming out. Barbara's lipstick sure is smeared for someone who was just fixing her face...

It's great to see the old crowd again, but are there any newcomers this year? Any gals who just got their lick-her licenses?

Maud at R315, I ❤️ you

I wish r316. Nobody's giving me fever so far.

Is this the first time Queen Latifah has come? Come here, that is? That girl reminds me of myself back when I was her age!

Anne Burrell used to be a regular, but we've lost her to the other team. But I've got my fingers crossed that Niecy Nash will show up!

Maybe Anne Heche will come this year, Peggy. She's pretty hot!

As usual, moon-faced Mel Torme has shown up uninvited. In his usual “turd in the punchbowl” fashion, he’s at the piano trying to rouse the gang into an impromptu Auld Lang Syne. It’s only 9:30, and nary a one of us has even begun our compulsory, drunken, same-sex heavy petting in the cloakroom.

But that’s tag-along Torme for you.

Don't worry, ladies. I'll send him over to Billy De Wolfe's party. The boys will know how to keep his hands and mouth busy.

Let me at him!

JoAnn, you know we all love your playing more than anyone's! You have such wonderful, long, slender fingers...

Holy smokes, gals! A big car just pulled up with Amandla Stenberg, Anna Paquin, Cara Delevigne, and Cynthia Erivo! I think that's Cynthia Nixon driving, but it looks like she's only dropping them off. Fresh fish!!! Ya got your wish, Peggy!

Where's Jane Lynch?? I heard she was coming! Even through two closed doors!

Well good r326, although she hasn't brought that odd friend of hers, has she? The he, the she, the, oh lord, what is the terminology these days?

Holland where is Sarah Paulson? Are you on your own tonight? Let’s hope so!

Sorry, ladies, but I've got to keep my "curtain time" on the Great White Way ...

Beef curtain time, Sarah?

Hmm, getting quiet. I got this, gals. Mel, if you would ...

Helen! Thank you for coming and livening this place up. Have an egg before you sing.

Ladies, it’s cold! Warm up your hands.

Quick -someone grab Kaye Ballard! I told her Helen was going to sing and she went ballistic!

Uh-oh! Someone spilled tuna on the carpet. And I don't mean the one on the floor! Who wants to clean it up?

That “Broadway Barbara” isn’t half as amusing as she thinks she is!

Okay, ladies -listen up! It's time for the annual "classy broads" picture. Everybody line up! Line up!

Ethel, honey, could you take the picture this year?

Who invited Janis Ian? Talk about a Debbie Downer!

I've got my clip board ready, for the yays and nays on the "classy broads."

[quote] Who invited Janis Ian? Talk about a Debbie Downer!

At 17 she learned the truth.

Doris Packer's starting the nude conga line!

Oh, Eve -you did come! Will you and Kaye do your classic duet of "O Promise Me" later on?

Ladies! Remember to keep the nude conga line in the house or in the back yard only! Bing Crosby threatened to call the police if he sees you in front of his house again.

Do we need more ice?

Hey, there's Jane Lynch! And she's got Jennifer Coolidge with her!

Bea, Ethel has locked herself in the bathroom (alone), crying. She says she wanted to be IN the classy broads picture this year, and you told her to take it... How about we ask Agnes Moorehead to take it this time? No one has ever questioned her title as the classiest dyke in Hollywood.

OK -- I'm not gonna ask again -- will someone PLEASE keep Connie Ford away from the Christmas tree!

That's not a Christmas tree -that's Madonna' feminine hygiene brush.

Do we think Kristy McNichol will show this year? How about her "big sister" Meredith?

Ethel, we go through this every year. Honestly, my dear. Oh, look, the singing pit is empty ...

Meredith is on her way -she called and offered to buy more Scotch, so I had her stop and rent a U-Haul. Little Kristy McNichol has been here for hours. She and Jodie Foster are having a chin-wag in the guest bedroom.

With you all in spirit. Still, well, um, grieving? Something.

Whoever parked her Harley on Clifton's lawn -- you'd better move it before he gets home.

Oh, Tatum, honey -we feel your pain. In fact, Kristy and Jodie said something about taking you some deviled eggs this evening and seeing if you wanted a little... company.

What are you trying to do, empty out the place? Half the women here have a Harley!

Are we done with the warm up acts. Because I'm ready.

Are Whitney and Robyn coming?

AGNES! Debbie is on the phone. She asked me to remind you to stop off at the store and pick up some Midol on your way home. She sends her regrets.

^^^ Just the thought of another evening with all those noisy dykes gives me a splitting headache.

[quote] She sends her regrets.

Well, she has so many she can spare a few.

^^^ That lavender cunt.

Oh, fuck! Bea Arthur is coming in and boy is she pissed!! She was over at Billy DeWolfe's house and didn't win the biggest dick contest this year.

Well, I voted for her, r362.

She's just pissed because McQueen wouldn't fuck her.

Gogi Grant finally turned up, and, boy howdee, do I have someplace special warmed up for her to blow her wayward wind!

You won’t believe what Judith Lowry and Ruth Gordon are doing to other in the garage!

Judith! Ruth! Get off that car! I just washed and waxed it.

Who the hell invited Loretta Young and her swear jar? Totie Fields tried to drop kick Loretta in the snatch because Loretta won’t stop badgering totie to put money in her jar after she claimed totie said fuck 137 times in 5 minutes.

This is always the nicest part of the party for me. Half the guests have gone and nearly all the others have passed out somewhere. I'm able to enjoy a quiet toddy with a few close chums. Marjorie and Spring and Kaye are all snoring away happily while Nancy and Patsy are helping to tidy up. With shovels. And the nice things about leftover deviled eggs is that they're great for an impromptu breakfast. I just chop 'em up and put them on toast points. Simple and elegant.

Happy 2024, everyone!

Sigh... Everyone has gone home at last, except for Nancy and Patsy who are remaining for a few days to wash my curtains and clean my carpet. Believe it or not there is actually half a bottle of Scotch left, and a dozen deviled eggs! The bathrooms have been mopped, and the thirty-odd pairs of panties are all in a box by the door for when people come by looking for them. (It was so much easier back in the day when most ladies monogrammed their underthings...)

Happy New Year, everyone! See you next year!

2 weeks later, and I’m still shittin’ clits!!

Attention Ladies!

It's been a busy post-election season, so I'm going to dispense with the individual invitations this year. You're all invited to my annual New Year's Eve party. Like last year, if your name begins with A-G, bring ice. If it's H-Q, bring whiskey. All you R-Zs bring deviled eggs. I've stocked up 30 cases of champagne, and a few cases each of vodka, gin, tequila to get us started. Mary WIckes has drawn up a new parking map for the front lawn -remember that there is no parking in any of the neighbors' yards or driveways. Spring Byington will be at the door to take your coats, and Nancy Kulp will oversee the kitchen. This year Barbara Stanwyck has volunteered for the first shift at the bar, but if you're interested in relieving her, please let me know. Oh -it was Agnes Moorehead's birthday a few days ago and we all missed it, so if you think about it, bring her a small token of your affection.

See ya on the 30th!!

Was she really the first choice for Ethel Metz?

Hon, I was Lucy's sidekick on radio long before I Love Lucy came to television.

Does anyone have a recipe for bourbon deviled eggs??

Tallulah has a great one, Kaye. It calls for a case of bourbon and an egg...

Bea, are you sure deviled eggs are a good idea? I mean last year we had to close off three or four rooms after Marjorie Rambeau visited them. And there need to be some "no open flames" warnings.

Bea, I know he's your TV "son" and everything, but could you please ask Max Baer Jr. NOT to come dressed as Jethrine this year.

Likewise, send Flip Wilson a memo that Geraldine isn't welcome either.

No penises at the party.

I understand what you're saying, Phyllis, but they are so tasty -and they don't have the unpleasant aftereffect that Eve Arden's brussels sprouts and asparagus canapés do. I find a few lit candles around the house takes care of the sulfur problem...

Linda Kay, you know how I feel about penises. But once we let Clifton Webb join us that door was opened, and it's so hard to close it again. But don't worry, honey, I'll put Marjorie Main at the door -she's so tactful, she'll find just the right way to put things...

If Clifton Webb is coming, can we add Edward Everett Horton to the guest list?

Billy, didn't you and Clifton and Edward all go to a party at Roddy McDowall's house last year? I hear he's invited some youngster named Timothy to join in the festivities this year, and you always get along so well with young people!

Roddy told me he's going to use his party to raise funds for some talented new artiste named Luigi Something-or-other. I gather he's gotten himself into some trouble back east, and Roddy is sure that -with that behind him - he'll have a great future in Hollywood.

[quote]Roddy told me he's going to use his party to raise funds for some talented new artiste named Luigi Something-or-other.

Ahh, the Roddy. Always so giving and thinking of others.

Is Roddy's party competing with yours, Bea? If so, likely all the men coming to your party will head to Roddy's instead. Certainly Cary Grant will. So will Rock.

I guess we'll just have an exclusively Girl Party. Isn't that a shame.

Roddy has always been a dear and thoughtful friend. He knows how much we enjoy our "lady time" together. I'm sure all the boys will have a blast at his house. He has an amazing collection of classic films that he loves to show off. I imagine he'll have some very special film or films to show the boys this year, and I'm sure there'll be a log of young men bedding down at his place afterward.

A night with the girls will break up the monotony of my incessant doomscrolling.

[quote] I'm sure there'll be a log of young men bedding down at his place afterward.

Ahh, such nice imagery. A log of young men. I definitely will be heading over to Roddy's party to see that.

Plus its for a good cause. Helping Luigi clear up his difficulties back east and head west.

Is Carol Channing coming? I know how much she just loves my corn salad!

Bea was very sweet to remember my birthday, but I really don't need anything at all. Just come to the party in a happy, gay mood!

Something I ate didn't agree with me, sorry.

It must have been a bad clam.

If Helen Lawson is coming, I'm afraid I won't be there. That... that...haridan!

Not to worry, Joan! Helen is appearing on Broadway in Wicked, so she will be 3000 miles away from the party.

I heard she insisted on playing Galinda...

Never fear, Dorothy - Nancy Kulp is in charge in the kitchen. She is going to personally inspect every clam at my party, and she has vowed to make sure that every single one is clean and healthy so that all the ladies can munch away to their hearts' content!

I didn't think anyone could ruin tuna tacos, but last year Lupe Velez's were just awful.

^^ Cunt.

Ladies, please! I know how much we all love seafood, but clearly our tastes differ a bit. Some prefer clams, others tuna... Maybe it's best if we don't talk about it? There'll be lots to munch on at the party -something for everyone! And if it tastes "off" to you, just have a good belt of bourbon and you'll be diving in again right away.

I'm the OP from the original thread from 2012, and I can't tell you how happy I am to see it bumped each holiday season. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all!

I thought the party favors of miniature containers of Lume were a bit insulting, n'est-ce pas?

R391 Relax chester tits !

I wouldn´t plant my last tree ever at this gathering of forgotten faces of Hollywood.

I see your reviews are in from Wicked on Broadway, Helen. Don't let them get to you. You know the critics often miss the subtleties of your performances... You just go right back out there and sing your little heart out!

I read those reviews too, Helen, and you've absolutely nothing to be ashamed of! What matters is what the audience thinks of you. And when ticket sales return to normal I'm sure the word of mouth will get out there and you can hold your head high again.

In the meantime, DO have a very Merry Christmas and a Blessed New Year.

Helen, you really should have worn underwear for Defying Gravity. The first six rows saw your flapping beef curtains, you know.

And those were likely the first beef curtains those boys have seen since birth... Three of 'em fainted cold and the poor house manager spent the whole intermission doing a vomit cleanup. Lord, that Helen is a one, isn't she?

Sarah will be here to measure you for your 2025 Vagina Cape, girls!

I always thought those were a one-size-fits-all sort of thing. Live and learn! It does look very festive! And tasteful.

I’m making Bea a very special Happy NewYears Betty Rubble costume just for old time sake-I hope she likes it.

Oh, Bea! You asked me to remind you about that large box in your guest room closet. You remember... the one that contains all those unclaimed pairs of panties that were left behind after last year's party? Did you decide to launder them in the end, or just seal them in plastic? I do recall some were in a very... embarrassing state.

Bea may have to step away from the party for a short while but June Lockhart has volunteered to step in until Bea can return to her acting position as hostess.

Dear, dear June! I hope she'll be feeling up to it, if called upon. The poor thing hasn't been seen in public in ages... She is 99, you know! I am glad she is so close to her daughters -they must be quite a comfort. Unlike some I could name...