How to elevate and upgrade your life the Non-Greg way

Learn how to make a soufflé. They're simple, versatile, impressive and (best of all) inexpensive. There's a James Beard recipe that should be kicking around the internet. Can't be arsed to type it all out.

If you have a patch of earth to call your own, a small garden plot can be a nice Zen exercise. Or not.

I've been told that being able to play a dozen or so tunes of the piano is a good skill to keep up your sleeve. The gentleman who imparted this to me was about 20 years old back in 1985. Maybe things have changed.

Assuming you care about such things, buy your holidays cards on sale...after the holiday. Then write them all out the first week of November. You can pop them in the post the first week of December. Again, that's assuming you care about such things.

Yarrow and lavender are durable and elegant flowers for graves.

If you obtain a Siamese cat you will either totally fall in love with the beast or detest it. Either way, no one you date afterward will be anywhere near as demanding. I'm not sure that's advice. But it seems good to know.

Inferior champagne is acceptable if properly chilled. If you drink. Maybe you don't.

Photographs of the dead are not to be lightly discarded, regardless of what you think of the people. Or think you think. It might change.

Realizing you're gay because the beautiful guy playing the piano at one of your mother's cocktail parties is suddenly the reason for your existence can be a wallop out of nowhere. Not sure what advice to give. If anyone has any ideas, share them in the comments.

When your Siamese cat dies you will feel terrible. Lay her to rest in the small garden plot. Light a candle. Make a soufflé and toast her with a glass of properly chilled champagne.

Or don't.