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Live! The Helen Lawson Christmas Special

Was this ever shown again after its first disastrous broadcast? Or was this like her Sesame Street episode?

Is the FBI still investigating what went down? What about PETA?

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by Anonymousreply 188December 19, 2022 1:08 AM

Deck the halls baby.

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by Anonymousreply 1December 3, 2022 10:56 PM

I love the part where Mary Astor makes an appearance and then Helen wisecracks "Here comes Mary....but not the VIRGIN Mary"

by Anonymousreply 2December 3, 2022 10:57 PM

They should have rerun Best of Gunsmoke the minute she jumped outta that snowman in the green and red cellophane hot pants.

by Anonymousreply 3December 3, 2022 10:58 PM

I had a friend in the CBS legal department who promised to get me a copy, but he just disappeared. All traces of his existence were erased from the internet, and no one has heard from him. If you call CBS and ask to speak to him, they say “hold on” and the call gets transferred to corporate security.

by Anonymousreply 4December 3, 2022 10:59 PM

I haven't thought of it in years, but I do remember that VERY misconceived duet of "Baby It's Cold Outside" with Margo Channing. It was pushing the limit even then, but when Helen lit a cigarette for Margo, took a drag, and french-kissed it into Margo's mouth, I thought my grandmother was going to stroke out. They cut to commercial immediately and when they cut back, Margo was nowhere to be seen. Lawson really did take it too far sometimes.

And Margo couldn't carry a tune in a bucket.

by Anonymousreply 5December 3, 2022 11:01 PM

I kind of liked The Little Drummer Boy with the donkey from Tijuana

by Anonymousreply 6December 3, 2022 11:35 PM

I think they retitled that "The Little Drunkard Boy".

by Anonymousreply 7December 3, 2022 11:49 PM

She and Charo did a fun rendition of Santa Baby, but then it got pretty awkward when she asked Charo her real age

by Anonymousreply 8December 3, 2022 11:55 PM

Don Grady crawled out of her dressing room shaking and disoriented - and just kept going, still in his shredded elf tights, leaving show business forever without looking back.

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by Anonymousreply 9December 4, 2022 12:02 AM

Does anyone remember what Raymond Burr said when she asked him about his dead kid and dead wives?

by Anonymousreply 10December 4, 2022 12:17 AM

The Twelve Lays of Christmas should never have left the writers' room, let alone been choreographed.

by Anonymousreply 11December 4, 2022 12:27 AM

R6, I loved it when she started laughing while singing the line "Come, they told me"

by Anonymousreply 12December 4, 2022 12:33 AM

The JFK assassination number was a little over the top.

by Anonymousreply 13December 4, 2022 12:36 AM

[quote]but I do remember that VERY misconceived duet of "Baby It's Cold Outside" with Margo Channing.

You'd have thought they'd learned their lesson from the previous year's "I've Written A Letter to Santa" fiasco with Baby Jane Hudson.

by Anonymousreply 14December 4, 2022 12:37 AM

I recall a major hissy fit following the incident where a rogue branch tipped her wig during rising of the evergreen for “I’m Gonna Plant My Own Christmas Tree”.

by Anonymousreply 15December 4, 2022 12:39 AM

Helen ate out Adam West's asshole during a commercial break.

by Anonymousreply 16December 4, 2022 12:40 AM

We have a lot to say but don't feel comfortable doing so at this moment.

by Anonymousreply 17December 4, 2022 1:09 AM

I was 8 and Mama let me watch it.

I fell asleep and don't remember so much about the show itself, but the next day, Miss Jamison got lots of questions about it in class, and had to explain to us what a merkin was.

by Anonymousreply 18December 4, 2022 1:30 AM

That eggnog number with Vicky Lester didn't go well at ALL. Helen spiked the eggnog and fell into the punchbowl in the middle of "I Could Go On Singing."

I guess she COULDN'T.

by Anonymousreply 19December 4, 2022 2:26 PM

My favorite moment was the rendition of Helen's signature song from "Hit the Sky!", which was really quite clever:

'I'll trim my own tree

and I'll make it glow;

my tree will not be

just one in the snow'

etc etc

Helen sang the song with special guest David Cassidy, who was all the rage back then, with his long hair and skin-tight pants. I guess Helen had a little to much eggnog at that point, but during the last chorus, Helen and David were standing singing arm-in-arm, and she turned and looked down at David's crotch (which had quite the VPL), and crooned "And I'll make it GROW!" Cassidy turned red as Rudolph's nose and they quickly cut to a commercial. Helen always contended that she just momentarily forgot the new lyrics, but I don't think may people really bought her explanation.

by Anonymousreply 20December 4, 2022 3:40 PM

Damn, I missed it. Is it available on Hulu?

by Anonymousreply 21December 4, 2022 3:47 PM

Miss Lawson is a YouTube Act.

by Anonymousreply 22December 4, 2022 4:44 PM

Was this the special where she asked Johnny Whitaker if he had red hair everywhere and beat Anissa Jones with that Mrs. Beasley doll?

by Anonymousreply 23December 4, 2022 4:54 PM

[quote] I loved it when she started laughing while singing the line "Come, they told me"

Perhaps she was remembering the number it replaced, "O Cum Like Old Faithful."

by Anonymousreply 24December 4, 2022 5:01 PM

I have never forgotten her duet with Jim Nabors

by Anonymousreply 25December 4, 2022 6:08 PM

Lawson visited her old adversary at the funny farm and extended an olive branch to Neely, saying, "I know yuh career's on the skids, kid. So. I'm givin' you a chance ta shine on MY CHRISTMAS SPECIAL, baby, as long as you do me one thing: Bring on that identical cousin 'a yours, little miss Patty Duke. You can sing "Let's Get Togethah," from that Hayley Mills lez fest, The Parent Trap." Neely, tucked into a straight jacket, ran up to Helen, and butted her in the left boob. Helen yelled, "That's IT, BABY! YER THROUGH! Now, you give your identical cousin her half of this!" SLAP!

by Anonymousreply 26December 4, 2022 6:18 PM

We hired Paul Lynde to play Santa, with Donny & Marie as spoiled kids, but decided to edit the scene out.

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by Anonymousreply 27December 4, 2022 6:27 PM

Is this on Youtube or somewhere? I wanna see it!

by Anonymousreply 28December 4, 2022 6:34 PM

Well it’s not on Twitter.

Elon Musk just designated all the Helen Lawson heist as clips as egregiously offensive and issued a blanket ban. So now she’s in company with Alex Jones. Again.

by Anonymousreply 29December 4, 2022 6:41 PM

The best part is when William F. Buckley showed up

by Anonymousreply 30December 4, 2022 8:16 PM

It's been banned from YouTube and nearly every library.

by Anonymousreply 31December 4, 2022 8:42 PM

Christmas goes for booze and dope!

by Anonymousreply 32December 4, 2022 9:13 PM

Trumpsters banned it because they thought Helen was a drag queen

by Anonymousreply 33December 4, 2022 9:22 PM

Lawson was supposed to perform The Twelve Days of Christmas with the Muppets, but the number was pulled after an underpant-less Helen straddled a supine Jim Henson and told him "She had something warm and fuzzy for him to shove his hand in."

by Anonymousreply 34December 4, 2022 9:27 PM

Is this the year that Hazmet had to be called in when Helen dropped a deuce on stage during a rousing rendition of "Ain't That A Kick In The Head" with Dean Martin?

by Anonymousreply 35December 4, 2022 9:35 PM

She was banned after she flashed her hoo-ha at Oscar the Grouch after the 8th martini.

by Anonymousreply 36December 4, 2022 9:38 PM

Even though she was a little long-in-the-tooth for this special, Helen kept her lithe dancer's body throughout the years and thought she could still compete with her much younger guest star, Lola Heatherton.

However, during rehearsals for their showstopping "Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better" duet, Helen was clearly outmatched and knew it. But this was a Helen Lawson show and Helen Lawson would not be upstaged!

At the live broadcast, when Lola and Helen got to the part, "I can high-kick better than you... No you can't... Yes I can!" Helen gave it her all, unleashing a series of kicks like a Rockette, and revealing flashes of freshly dyed red pubis. Helen had clearly "forgotten" her underwear. The audience was aghast, CBS and the FCC were furious, and Helen was banned for life from network television, which explains why subsequent Helen Lawson appearances were on local broadcasts and UHF.

by Anonymousreply 37December 4, 2022 10:09 PM

[quote]Trumpsters banned it because they thought Helen was a drag queen

She's a groomer all right. If she doesn't groom her bush every day, it looks just like the Abominable Snowmonster of the North!

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by Anonymousreply 38December 4, 2022 10:15 PM

"Bosom Buddies", as performed by Helen and Bea Arthur, took on a life if its own when Helen actually showed her bosoms to the studio audience. Bea was furious and took dump in Helen's dressing room.

by Anonymousreply 39December 4, 2022 10:18 PM

R37 is almost right.

Helen was so jealous of Judy singing "Battle Hymn of the Republic" for JFK that she cried out "This is for you, Bill Paley!" when she flashed the audience her freshly dyed and groomed merkin.

by Anonymousreply 40December 4, 2022 10:18 PM

That old crone trahd ta shit in mah wig raht befar we did "Sleigh Rahd" with li'l Dodie from Mah Three Sons!

by Anonymousreply 41December 4, 2022 10:23 PM

She got into a nasty fistfight with Linda Lavin on stage.

by Anonymousreply 42December 4, 2022 10:26 PM

I remember the odd cooking segment when Helen, who had already drunk all the rum that was supposed to go into the rum balls, told Sandra Lee to "shove that made up negro holiday cake up her cooter" and to pour her a hot toddy. Sadly, the network immediately axed plans for Helen's Kwanzaa special.

by Anonymousreply 43December 4, 2022 10:32 PM

I found her touchingly vulnerable after the Back Door Santa routine when she slouched over Jack Lord's crotch and a hot mic picked her up saying I'm not blowin' him, I just can't catch my breath!

by Anonymousreply 44December 4, 2022 10:36 PM

Is it true that taping the 1972 Lawson Christmas special was delayed repeatedly because Helen's former lover Wilford Brimley (they had met in the swingin 60s when Helen was filming a never-released B-western) visited the set?

Apparently Helen could not get enough of Brimley's oral skills, which, it's rumored, were enhanced by his bristle-brush moustache.

by Anonymousreply 45December 4, 2022 10:38 PM

Thank Christ somebody had the sense the cut the 'Ave, Maria' duet with Cher. I mean, I love Cher, but if there's one song she can't put over while showing America her pussy, it's this one. Plus, either one of them understood a lick of Latin. They both sounded like cheap hos from the South Bronx.

by Anonymousreply 46December 4, 2022 10:39 PM

[quote] She got into a nasty fistfight with Linda Lavin on stage.

Well, hell, when it comes to Lavin that ain't new or special. Hal Linden knocked that bitch down to the ground a few years ago. We were waiting for Hal, Judd Hirsch or John Davidson to snap and slap her silly. I had the date and time right within 10 minutes and won the pool. Easiest thousand I ever made!

by Anonymousreply 47December 4, 2022 10:41 PM

[quote]Apparently Helen could not get enough of Brimley's oral skills, which, it's rumored, were enhanced by his bristle-brush moustache.

Honey, Wilford's tongue game was celebrated among Hollywood royalty of a certain age. He made me gush like the Clampetts' oil well!

by Anonymousreply 48December 4, 2022 10:41 PM

Why did they suddenly cut to commercial break when Helen’s illegitimate gay son Henderson starting singing “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”?

by Anonymousreply 49December 4, 2022 10:55 PM

I adored her duet with that Welsh ingénue Cathy Zeta-Jones, who was, according to Wikipedia, negative 19 years old at the time.

by Anonymousreply 50December 4, 2022 10:55 PM

I know it seemed all turn on, tune in, drop out at the time, but the Santa Baby number with Eartha Kitt's half-sister - I'm not sure Justice ever formally closed the investigation.

by Anonymousreply 51December 4, 2022 11:10 PM

I thought the duet Shelley Winters and Lauren Bacall performed, "Two Cats in Santa's Sack", was a humorous acknowledgement of their real-life sparring, or would have been if Helen hadn't loudly and explicitly misunderstood the title.

by Anonymousreply 52December 4, 2022 11:11 PM

R45, I hear the eggnog and candy canes set off his diabeetus

by Anonymousreply 53December 5, 2022 12:10 AM

Does anyone remember the number she did with Liberace?

by Anonymousreply 54December 5, 2022 12:10 AM

R54 wasn't it called Fairy Dust?

by Anonymousreply 55December 5, 2022 12:11 AM

No, they song and danced to I Saw Three Ships, with the navy seal theme. If you call sailors in sequinned short shorts navy seals.

by Anonymousreply 56December 5, 2022 12:21 AM

They got the costumes out of storage. They had been made for Daddy's Boy.

by Anonymousreply 57December 5, 2022 1:02 AM

Bump for more memories!

by Anonymousreply 58December 5, 2022 1:24 AM

The best moment was when she dressed as Marilyn Monroe and croaked out a sultry Happy Birthday, Mr. President to LBJ.

by Anonymousreply 59December 5, 2022 1:28 AM

In the 12 Days of Christmas she memorably blurted out “seven lezzies licking” and pretty much ended her Christmas career right there.

by Anonymousreply 60December 5, 2022 1:32 AM

[quote]She got into a nasty fistfight with Linda Lavin on stage.

Does the footage of her brawl with Miyoshi Umeki still exist?

by Anonymousreply 61December 5, 2022 1:37 AM

She had Perry Como banned for life: "Dear god he puts me to sleep. Get me a MAN- not a mannequin!".

by Anonymousreply 62December 5, 2022 1:39 AM

LOL@r61!

by Anonymousreply 63December 5, 2022 1:47 AM

Does anyone have the Alan Carr produced segments of the 1979 Christmas special? Helen and Donna Summer reworked “Sunset People” as “Snowflake People” and the snowmen were drug dealers, Santa’s were pimps and the elves were johns. Helen and Donna were hookers backed up by Nancy Kulp, Kaye Ballard, Shirley Hemphill, Shelley Hack and Esther Rolle. Supposedly pat benatars “love is a battlefield” video was a homage to this segment.

Supposedly Donna was so traumatized by this she turned to religion and vowed to quit singing sexy disco songs.

by Anonymousreply 64December 5, 2022 1:49 AM

You gotta admit singing "Up, Up with penis" was pretty funny.

by Anonymousreply 65December 5, 2022 2:11 AM

For me the low point was when Helen shoved Esther Williams into the makeshift ice-fishing hole during Esther’s nutcracker number. I think she called Esther either a dyke or a kike, the sound got kind of wonky because Helen led into the slur with a “You call that nut cracking? I’ve busted Ted Casablanca’s nuts more times than…”, but then the FCC sound delay kicked in.

by Anonymousreply 66December 5, 2022 2:42 AM

Santa has “arrived” “up” my chimney more time than I can count. Gather round if you want my cookies and milk recipe, kiddos.

by Anonymousreply 67December 5, 2022 2:49 AM

[quote] Nancy Kulp, Kaye Ballard, Shirley Hemphill, Shelley Hack and Esther Rolle

This is brilliant.

by Anonymousreply 68December 5, 2022 2:54 AM

R59 That was the version with the line about LBJ and "trouser trout."

"What a kingfish that fucker has!" she slurred.

CBS broke their censoring machine that night.

by Anonymousreply 69December 5, 2022 3:38 AM

Once perched upon his lap, Helen continued to squirm, confused by the lack of chemistry displayed in rehearsals. As the performer began his solo number, Helen demanded an explanation and was told that this dancer was a last minute replacement. A flurry of lighters met her cigarette. She sighed in a cloud of nicotine, resigned that when it came to musical theater “I suppose even Santa has to be a big fag.” After the commercial break was her duet “The Gayest Sleigh on Christmas Day” with Tab Hunter.

by Anonymousreply 70December 5, 2022 3:52 AM

Is it true that Liberace punched her in the cunt?

by Anonymousreply 71December 5, 2022 4:01 AM

The grand finale apparently involved La Lawson shooting out Christmas garland from her cooch.

by Anonymousreply 72December 5, 2022 4:08 AM

Everyone in the audience was wearing one of these

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by Anonymousreply 73December 5, 2022 4:13 AM

The early 80s specials weren’t any better. Anyone remember “a country Christmas with Helen”? Lawson had to tape an anti bullying PSA after duetting with Conway Twitty on “you’re the reason our kids are ugly” and not telling poor Mindy Cohn and Mason Reese they were playing Conway and Helen’s kids until the day of taping. Mindy and Mason had to sit there while Twitty and Lawson sneered, pointed, laughed and mocked them as they were singing that song.

by Anonymousreply 74December 5, 2022 4:14 AM

[quote]It's been banned from YouTube and nearly every library.

Have you checked the Concordia Parish Library?

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by Anonymousreply 75December 5, 2022 4:20 AM

Does Helen Lawson's pussy stink?

by Anonymousreply 76December 5, 2022 9:01 AM

[quote]Does anyone remember the number she did with Liberace?

I sure do. They sang "Santa Baby". Helen was dressed like Eartha Kitt qua elf, with a short, sparkly candy-cane skirt that nearly showed her cooch. Li drove in a bedazzled piano decked out like a sleigh and pulled by eight chorus boys in green and red hot pants and elf hats. Rumor was that Helen made three of the chorus boys during the two-week rehearsal period and gave them the clap. Anyway, in the next to last verse, Li sang "and hurry down my chimney tonight" and Helen quipped under her breath "you mean UP your chimney, Li!". The microphone caught it. Li turned white as snow and there was a VERY uncomfortable silence until Li just got out of the sleigh/piano, bowed and left the stage.

Li never forgave Helen and they never worked together again.

by Anonymousreply 77December 5, 2022 11:37 AM

It was the late 70s Xmas special where she punched Lavin.

She also got handsy around Phillip McKeon, once she saw the size of his VPL. He said he had sores on his feet after running from her all week - "but better than sores on my pecker from giving in!"

by Anonymousreply 78December 5, 2022 1:39 PM

Bump for more!

by Anonymousreply 79December 5, 2022 1:53 PM

That’s what she said.

by Anonymousreply 80December 5, 2022 1:56 PM

I hope the genius who proposed the location shoot at the San Fernando Valley Home for Wayward Youth never worked again.

by Anonymousreply 81December 5, 2022 2:02 PM

Who can forget the Supremes tribute that Helen performed with Ja’net DuBois, Isabel Sanford and Esther Rolle. Helen was in blackface and a fist fight broke out when Helen referred to her co-performers as “Ho, Ho and Big Ho”, pointing at Ja’net. Jimmy “JJ” Walker tried to save the show with a tap dance “Dy-no-mite” which caused Helen to shout out “Who the hell let that pickaninny on my show. The network quickly cut to a rerun of “One Day at a Time”.

by Anonymousreply 82December 5, 2022 2:04 PM

[quote] Is it true that Liberace punched her in the cunt?

Yes, and it was like punching granite. Liberace had to cancel shows for a week from the damage he did to his hand.

by Anonymousreply 83December 5, 2022 2:34 PM

I may be planted six feet under, but I'll never forgive that fucking old trout for introducing me as "Wee Wong Slanty Pussy." I'll concede that my delicate and flower-like lady parts were a little off-center while I was alive, but getting my goddamn nationality wrong? INEXCUSABLE.

by Anonymousreply 84December 5, 2022 2:56 PM

The Leslie Uggams duet was certainly....something

by Anonymousreply 85December 5, 2022 5:47 PM

No network would carry the new special - they finally convinced Tubi, but with a 2 minute censorship delay.

I can't imagine how Helen, Mandy Moore and Julie Benko will sound on We Three Kings.

by Anonymousreply 86December 5, 2022 5:55 PM

Helen invited special guest Matt Rogers but after rehearsal, she had that extra nelly queen behind one of the sets on the floor balled up in a fetal position and bawling his much used ass off.

Helen was seen standing over her and saying, “ The only hit that comes out of a Helen Lawson show is Helen Lawson, and that's ME, baby, remember?”

by Anonymousreply 87December 5, 2022 6:05 PM

Steve Grand....wasn't!

by Anonymousreply 88December 5, 2022 6:07 PM

A friend of mine....who collects bootlegs and lost TV and Movie stuff....showed me ALL of the Helen Lawson TV material. He won't make copies for me but at least I got to see them. They are locked up in his home in Los Angeles. I told him he could make a Fortune if he sold them to some company to release a great DVD box set but he said No Way. They are going with him when he dies. He also has a bootleg of Neely O'Hara's Boston closing of "Miracle! Miracle!", the musical version of The Miracle Worker where she played Annie Sullivan. It IS pretty bad and deserved its out of town death but it was a fantastic directorial decision to have Helen sing and say Nothing until the great Dream Ballet at the water fountain at the end of the show. Helen sings her one powerful ballad "Wah-Wah Was Me, Me All The Time". Yes, a great moment BUT after 2 1/2 hours, it should have come earlier and the audience was SO ready to leave. My friend keeps that recording wayy under wraps too.

by Anonymousreply 89December 5, 2022 6:34 PM

People said the white dust on the set was to give a Christmas cheer and snowy ambience. In actuality, Liza and Helen had done so much blow it was everywhere!

by Anonymousreply 90December 5, 2022 6:40 PM

The "Here Comes Santa Claus" number with Rock Hudson as Santa Claus, Helen as Mrs. Claus and Van Johnson and Liberace as dancing elves. Helen pointed at Rock and said "Well, THIS Santa Claus sure as hell ain't comin' in me, he's comin' in those two fruitcakes," as she pointed at Van and Lee.

by Anonymousreply 91December 5, 2022 6:49 PM

The details are still confidential, per the court order, but something traumatizing happened to Esther Rolle and Mary Tyler Moore backstage at the taping of the special. Esther and Mary sued Helen and things were settled out of court, along with a non-disclosure agreement. The photo at the link is from the famous press conference after the judge's ruling. Esther said "I cant say much except I ain't never gonna work no more with that crazy white bitch Helen Lawson. Mary was still suffering from PTSD and was unable to speak much.

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by Anonymousreply 92December 5, 2022 6:58 PM

Things were actually going rather well until Helen told Desi, Jr. to forget his "His Little Drummer Boy" solo and come give "Auntie Helen" some "Pinga Grande" like his Daddy. Lucille was not amused. Her last words to Gary, before she threw him out of the bedroom to sleep on the couch, were "Why the fuck didn't you talk me out of that cuntbone's Christmas special?"

by Anonymousreply 93December 5, 2022 6:59 PM

OMG the drama between Helen and Lucy is legendary. Those two were always at war. The LAPD had to get involved on a few occasions.

by Anonymousreply 94December 5, 2022 7:01 PM

She tried to get Vivian Vance to appear with Lucy. It did not go well

by Anonymousreply 95December 5, 2022 7:02 PM

[quote]Is it true that Liberace punched her in the cunt?

It was the only time in his life that he ever touched one.

by Anonymousreply 96December 5, 2022 7:03 PM

r82 I am DYING.

by Anonymousreply 97December 5, 2022 7:05 PM

Rona Barrett had a blind about Helen and Bonnie Franklin's backstage battles.

After the mess with Lavin, Helen was on her best behavior and tried to be as nice as she could possibly be (which ain't much) but little Annie Romano got real uppity with her and was correcting her singing and her choreography. Helen snapped and slapped Ann Romano, er, Bonnie, and then tried pulling her hair off.

When she pulled out a bloody clump, Helen roared, "This ain't a wig? You mean you CHOOSE to wear that fucked up bundt cake hair?"

by Anonymousreply 98December 5, 2022 7:13 PM

It was sponsored by Italian Swiss Colony wines, which Helen drank copiously throughout the show

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by Anonymousreply 99December 6, 2022 1:23 AM

It seems as though Esther Rolle was involved in several of these. Was she an innocent victim or a partner in crime?

by Anonymousreply 100December 6, 2022 1:42 AM

I've been found out!

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by Anonymousreply 101December 6, 2022 1:53 AM

Two stories I have heard about her 1969 special involved Darby Hinton. First was when Helen first saw Darby she said, "Holy fuck. What are you some kind of fucking Albino midget?" The second was after the taping. Darby was leaving and, well, all he can mutter is something about Helen, Fess Parker and a Cleveland Steamer.

by Anonymousreply 102December 6, 2022 1:57 AM

A LOT of misinformation in this thread. First, there only ONE live Helen Lawson Christmas Special.

Do you really imagine she was ever let near a live camera again after THAT?

Trying to capitalize on the controversy, CBS tried to put together a taped clip show that would satisfy Standards and Practices, but there wasn’t enough material to fill a half hour, let alone an hour.

Years later, Swifty Lazar convinced Bill Paley to let Helen try a pre-recorded special, which of course never aired, but some of the material did leak and air, oddly, on Finnish TV. Helen has a lot of fans in Helsinki.

by Anonymousreply 103December 6, 2022 5:22 AM

[quote] Helen has a lot of fans in Helsinki.

It's that trick she does with putting fish in her hoo hoo while she yodels. An old folk tradition.

by Anonymousreply 104December 6, 2022 12:07 PM

As I recall, that started because she nicknamed her nether regions Hell's Sinky in 1945, about ten days after the V-J Day celebrations in Times Square. Or so says Scotty Bowers.

by Anonymousreply 105December 6, 2022 12:26 PM

No mention of Helenesque being banned by the FDA as being toxic and leading to bouts of insane behavior like pulling wigs off old bags and flushing them down the john?

by Anonymousreply 106December 6, 2022 1:17 PM

Helen kicked me in the cuntbone.

by Anonymousreply 107December 6, 2022 1:39 PM

I still remember that live radio broadcast when Helen met the commander of the navy and all of those naval officers during Fleet Week.

"Oh look, a buffet," she said, gesturing to all those hot guys in navy whites. "Is it Thanksgiving? Because I'm getting stuffed this week!"

by Anonymousreply 108December 6, 2022 1:43 PM

[quote]As I recall, that started because she nicknamed her nether regions Hell's Sinky in 1945

Trust me, it was more like Hell's STINKY.

by Anonymousreply 109December 6, 2022 4:23 PM
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by Anonymousreply 110December 6, 2022 4:37 PM

During a break in rehearsals, the cast was cutting up on stage. Helen returned early from her hour-long smoke break, and she spied little Quinn Cummings doing her renowned impression of Helen Keller for the cast. "Wa-wa!" Arlene Galonka and Susan Tolsky, dressed in their "Sisters" costumes fell out of their chairs, guffawing. Helen stormed the stage and pick up Quinn by the laces of her dirndle and screamed, "The only hit that comes outta my show is a Helen Lawson hit, and that's me, BABY! Now get this sloe-eyed slut outta here! Goodbye, girl!!!!"

Helen replaced Quinn with Danielle Spencer in the Sound of Music medley.

by Anonymousreply 111December 6, 2022 4:49 PM

I assume Helen played the Nazis in that medley r111. All of them.

by Anonymousreply 112December 6, 2022 5:01 PM

All hell broke loose when the Mormon Tabernacle Choir showed up

by Anonymousreply 113December 6, 2022 5:20 PM

I’m not too sure this got her permanently banned from television. There’s still talk of a deleted arc on “Capitol”. Possibly folklore.

by Anonymousreply 114December 6, 2022 5:32 PM

R114 No, it's true.

Constance Towers locked herself in a room after she saw what Helen did. It took weeks for her to emerge. They had to temporarily recast her part on Capitol - I think it was Lydia Bruce that stepped in. Or was it Bethel Leslie?

Poor John Gavin had to stay in a beach house with only the Gavins' young houseboy, Rusty, for assistance and companionship.

by Anonymousreply 115December 6, 2022 6:31 PM

[quote]Helen has a lot of fans in Helsinki.

That explains why she did that winter special for Finnish television, bringing along her friends from the Ice Capades. Things took a turn for the worse when Dorothy Hamill attempted to show her her signature move, the "Hamill camel," which Helen mistook for a proposition. Disappointed to learn that it was just a routine spin, Helen was rudely dismissive: "I saw Sonja Henie pull that move for Hitler... without skates!"

An uncomfortable Miss Hamill bailed on the project and was replaced by downhill racer, Suzy Chaffee, who, I hear was game for the challenge.

by Anonymousreply 116December 6, 2022 6:47 PM

The damn biopic has been in development hell for 45 years.

by Anonymousreply 117December 6, 2022 8:46 PM

So has the vaccine for Helen's case of the clap!

by Anonymousreply 118December 6, 2022 9:25 PM

DL's obsession with La Lawson is what drew me here. I knew I belonged with you kweens.

by Anonymousreply 119December 6, 2022 10:11 PM

The "Santa's Angels" sketch was a real groaner. Helen, Farrah Fawcett, Kate Jackson and Jaclyn Smith, with Bob Hope as Santa Claus.

by Anonymousreply 120December 6, 2022 11:39 PM
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by Anonymousreply 121December 6, 2022 11:58 PM

^ wig snatch at 1:25

by Anonymousreply 122December 7, 2022 12:00 AM

Julie Andrews?

What is it, cuntface?

by Anonymousreply 123December 7, 2022 4:01 AM

I remember when they were lining up the children's choir to perform, Helen was caught on camera yelling "make sure you put the colored ones in the BACK ROW!"

by Anonymousreply 124December 7, 2022 9:49 AM

Helen hates blue. Enough said.

by Anonymousreply 125December 7, 2022 8:14 PM

R116 Indeed, it was the fourth Finnish Helen Christmas special when the Helensesque really hit the fan. After an ill advised budget boost, The Rockettes were flown out for the finale as a surprise. Helen started screaming 'cunts, cunts just everywhere', and then proceeded to try to perform cunnilingus on all the girls.

by Anonymousreply 126December 7, 2022 8:22 PM

R125, you must feel strongly. That's more than you've ever said.

by Anonymousreply 127December 7, 2022 8:42 PM

I thought Helenesque was perfume.

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by Anonymousreply 128December 8, 2022 3:25 AM

R128, what’s the story behind that, if you know? Who created it?

by Anonymousreply 129December 8, 2022 3:33 AM

Christmas. Bah!

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by Anonymousreply 130December 8, 2022 4:35 AM

The “yesterday’s stars, todays hits” segment for the 81 special was a peak Lawson disaster. Helen cruelly put rosemary Clooney in a leotard and leg warmers for the “physical” number. BD Hyman was whining to Bette that she wanted her kids to have the greatest Christmas ever and that lazy shitbag of a husband wouldn’t work. So Bette being ever loving mother agreed to sing on the special for the generous paycheck. However she thought she was going to duet with Kim carnes on “Bette Davis eyes” instead it was revealed that th song would be changed to “Helen Lawson eyes” with Bette singing and Helen sensuously dancing with a group of male dancers in the background.

Davis couldn’t keep a straight face as she was singing the lyrics and busted out laughing at any reference of Lawson being a sexy lusted after woman all while watching Helen in the monitor being fawned over by hot young men. After dozens of takes and Davis loudly cracking a jokes about this being more like the exorcist and trog, Lawson went ballistic and the two came to blows.

Davis was fired but still got paid and BD got her fantasy Christmas. With the budget shot the producers scrapped the entire segment. Luckily they were able to borrow Marilyn mccoo from the solid gold set and they reworked the duets she was supposed to sing with Andy Gibb was on another coke bender and didn’t show up for taping that day.

by Anonymousreply 131December 8, 2022 4:37 AM

R129 Jesus, you gay kids. Helenesque was the hooch Helen had made, and tried to flick off in the late 50s. Unfortunately, it was 237% proof, and many, many people died. Helen lost the court case, as she screamed at the Judge, 'They were weak, and deserved to die'.

by Anonymousreply 132December 8, 2022 4:58 AM

OK, but to be fair, our Helen played a huge part in the US space program when it was discovered that Helenesque was better than any rocket fuel NASA had discovered. This led Helen to say, "I helped put a man on the moon .... now what do I have to do to get a man on ME?"

by Anonymousreply 133December 8, 2022 10:27 AM

Well you have to remember R132 that back in the day nearly everybody smoked. I remember my grandma almost blew up her house applying Aqua-Net in the bathroom while she had a Benson & Hedges dangling from her lip. She suffered 2nd degree burns on her face and was half bald for the rest of her life. "Helensque" was many times more flammable; in fact, you could pour it down the gas tank of your Chevy Impala and the car would run just fine. These days, of course, 'Helenesque' would carry a safety warning and wouldn't be sold to minors or the mentally challenged -- but those were other times.

by Anonymousreply 134December 8, 2022 11:06 AM

It was a great show and Helen Lawson is a legend. I'll drink to that!

by Anonymousreply 135December 8, 2022 11:15 AM

Don’t forget—the bottle could be used as a dildo in a pinch. Or a deadly weapon.

by Anonymousreply 136December 8, 2022 11:40 AM

Didn’t the FDA require that they add blue coloring to Helenesque to discourage human consumption?

by Anonymousreply 137December 8, 2022 1:47 PM

And yet, bottles of Helenesque are still available on eBay.

by Anonymousreply 138December 8, 2022 1:51 PM

Be careful! Some of those are full of Windex. It can be hard to tell.

by Anonymousreply 139December 8, 2022 2:09 PM

Helenesque and Sparkle sold together for Christmas gifts for those you want to teach a lesson about having a hard core and how important it is to be a barracuda . Helenesque is also known as a lower price chemical peel for gals short on funds.

by Anonymousreply 140December 8, 2022 2:18 PM

Helen told me it would cure my clap.

by Anonymousreply 141December 8, 2022 8:10 PM

Sure, it would cure your clap by incinerating your snatch.

by Anonymousreply 142December 8, 2022 9:18 PM

[quote]Didn’t the FDA require that they add blue coloring to Helenesque to discourage human consumption?

How would that help?

by Anonymousreply 143December 8, 2022 9:32 PM

Are you in the habit of drinking blue liquids dearie @R143?

by Anonymousreply 144December 8, 2022 11:10 PM

Have you met Joey, r144?

Also, I was molested, by Helen.

by Anonymousreply 145December 9, 2022 1:46 AM

So was I.

Ha! Ha! I'll say.

by Anonymousreply 146December 9, 2022 2:01 AM

Luckily, my part was scrapped. My reputation would’ve been just ruined!

by Anonymousreply 147December 9, 2022 2:01 AM

Well honestly, Judy, you pretty much had to stand in line to get molested by Helen.

A chorus line. Ha, ha.

God, I'm broken.

by Anonymousreply 148December 9, 2022 2:03 AM

r144 is new here.

by Anonymousreply 149December 9, 2022 2:27 AM

[quote] [R128], what’s the story behind that, if you know? Who created it?

I know the Helenesque legend. I meant, what’s the story behind whoever took the time to create that ad.

by Anonymousreply 150December 9, 2022 2:36 AM

Even Dusty Towne refused to be a part of the show!

by Anonymousreply 151December 9, 2022 3:00 AM

[quote]And yet, bottles of Helenesque are still available on eBay.

Yeah. As a pesticide.

by Anonymousreply 152December 9, 2022 3:02 AM

And a spermicide.

by Anonymousreply 153December 9, 2022 3:35 AM

I just want to say:

Helen is one of the most talented singers ever. She also had a lot of pain and struggle throughout her life. Despite that, she had a good heart, which is hard to encounter in Hollywood. At a time when gay people were oppressed beyond belief, they identified with her struggles and she theirs.

by Anonymousreply 154December 9, 2022 5:11 AM

R154 says:

"Helen was one of the most talented singers ever. She also had a lot of pain and struggle throughout her life. Despite that, she had a good heart, which is hard to encounter in Hollywood. At a time when gay people were oppressed beyond belief, they identified with her struggles and she theirs."

If you really believed that, r154, ou would change your insulting screen name, which only contributes to the image of Lawson as a no-talent nasty cunt better off forgotten, not an artist on the level of Sinatra or Picasso or Callas.

YOU and YOUR NAME are part of the problem, r154.

by Anonymousreply 155December 9, 2022 5:27 AM

At LEAST my screen name isn't Neely "Over-rated drunk cunt" O'Hara, R155 !!!

by Anonymousreply 156December 9, 2022 5:42 AM

No honey (er, I mean CUNT) R149, I am not new here. Love you, mean it!

by Anonymousreply 157December 9, 2022 7:24 AM

Gurls, GURLS!

The only cunt that matters on this thread is Helen's.

by Anonymousreply 158December 9, 2022 11:05 AM

Lawson took a shit in front of the freezer case in Edna's Edibles once. Hate her.

by Anonymousreply 159December 9, 2022 12:30 PM

I only called ya fags outta love. And bourbon.

by Anonymousreply 160December 9, 2022 12:38 PM

R159, It was a commentary on the quality of products and services. There is nothing edible at Edna's Edibles.

by Anonymousreply 161December 9, 2022 4:06 PM

Lawson, you cunt!

It's a cookie store, not a dispensary, you soggy drunk old whore!

by Anonymousreply 162December 9, 2022 4:20 PM

R160 She was on Helenesque, you stupid queer!

by Anonymousreply 163December 10, 2022 12:57 AM

[quote]it rated poorly

It sure did, R126, but these specials were syndicated to regional TV stations in the Balkans and Central Asia where local programming were few and far between at the time. This explains why the Finnish producers greenlit a fifth and final Helen Lawson winter special despite abysmal ratings.

This one, however, turned out to be the absolute nadir of all variety specials, with a clearly diminished (and inebriated) Miss Lawson hosting a lackluster lineup that included Raymond J. "You can call me Ray" Johnson, magician Doug Henning, Finnish personality 'Nasse-setä', the mutt from "Here's Boomer" and Audrey and Judy Landers, prompting Helen to sneer, "Who the fuck are these no-talent sluts?"

Lamenting that her illustrious showbiz career had been reduced to emceeing a circus sideshow on Finnish television, the legendary star spent most of the production past out drunk in her dressing room.

One skit in particular ended disastrously when a drunk Helen, dressed as 'Joulumuori' (Mrs Santa), surprise motorboated sexy elf Judy Landers, who responded with a hard slap to the face that sent Helen flying into the Tapiola Children's Choir, crushing a young child or two. Miss Lawson was dismissed from the production and Wayland Flowers' puppet, Madame, took her place.

If there's one bright spot about these specials it is that Helen is still fondly remembered by eldergays from Tirana to Bishkek as "that drunk old American lady who brought us Christmas."

by Anonymousreply 164December 10, 2022 5:31 AM

I once knew someone who said they worked backstage at this Christmas special. He once told me that one time Helen decided to surprise him, so she snuck up behind him one day topless and took off her bra and one of those saggy titties hit his head!

by Anonymousreply 165December 10, 2022 5:59 AM

R164, Helen was big in Kazakhstan, I've heard Borat is a fan

by Anonymousreply 166December 10, 2022 6:09 AM

Surprise motorboating ain’t no joke.

by Anonymousreply 167December 10, 2022 7:59 AM

I want Helen Lawson to 'fuck me' whilst I'm wearing my suit made from the skins of women.

by Anonymousreply 168December 10, 2022 8:04 AM

I think you are all being too hard on Ms. Lawson. Her impromptu dirty limerick battle with Nipsey Russel is comedic gold.

by Anonymousreply 169December 10, 2022 9:28 AM

GASP!

BEARKING!

I never thought I'd type these words but it is, once again, a Lawson Christmas!

ABC was backed into a corner after pulling the Backstreet Boys special, as it was to air Dec 14 and repeat on Dec 20. But they have confirmed that it's the classic 1974 Lawson special that will air in its place!

It used to be 90 minutes with commercials but the last 21 minutes are now in the vaults at the FBI, so they've edited it down for an hour slot.

by Anonymousreply 170December 11, 2022 9:04 PM

R170 Shit, my balls.

by Anonymousreply 171December 11, 2022 10:30 PM

Curious DLers want to know if Helen has bedded Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Leo DiCaprio and The Ryans Gosling and Reynolds.

by Anonymousreply 172December 12, 2022 4:50 AM

She couldn't walk for a week after bedding John Gavin.

by Anonymousreply 173December 12, 2022 12:54 PM

^It was WORTH IT!

by Anonymousreply 174December 12, 2022 2:12 PM

Did you know that “Funny Girl” was supposed to be based on Helen Lawson’s life story? “Funny Bitch” opened (and closed) at the Winter Garden Theater on November 22, 1963. When director Garson Kanin came onstage to announce that the show would be postponed as the nation mourned the President’s death, Helen stormed out from behind the curtain in her braids and pinafore dress (she’d long since fired “that untalented little fag hag,” Gwen Verdon, originally cast to play Helen), grabbed the mic out of Kanin’s hand, and screamed to a shocked audience, “LIKE HELL we’re gonna postpone! Jack Kennedy was a LOUSY LAY and I’ll be damned if that STD-ridden little weasel is going to ruin THIS Broadway broad’s big show!” Many blamed bad timing on the show’s early demise, but it was whispered that audiences just didn’t connect with the character of Helen or tunes like “Don’t Piss in My Cornflakes,” “Lousy People,” or “I’d Rather Screw You (than be happy with someone else).” After a series of lawsuits and a restraining order against Ms. Lawson, the show was “retooled” and reopened as “Funny Girl” with Barbra Streisand in March 1964.

It may explain why footage of the planned Christmas/Hannukah song duet with Ms. Lawson and La Streisand on the “Helen Lawson Christmas Show” ended in a fistfight and is officially considered “lost media.” But the legend of that taping lives on in the gossip of the dreidel and reindeer dancers who witnessed it…

by Anonymousreply 175December 12, 2022 3:30 PM

[quote]It may explain why footage of the planned Christmas/Hannukah song duet with Ms. Lawson and La Streisand on the “Helen Lawson Christmas Show” ended in a fistfight and is officially considered “lost media.” But the legend of that taping lives on in the gossip of the dreidel and reindeer dancers who witnessed it…

Well, she started it because I caught huh pissing in a Chock Full o' Nuts can backstage. I said, "Gee, Helen, ya can't pee in the terlet like a PUYSUN?"

by Anonymousreply 176December 12, 2022 4:06 PM

Coincidentally, Chock Full o' Nuts is also the title of Helen's autobiography

by Anonymousreply 177December 12, 2022 6:15 PM

[quote]Don’t forget—the bottle could be used as a dildo in a pinch. Or a deadly weapon.

Which is how the Ramon Navarro death legend got started in Hollywood Babylon.

by Anonymousreply 178December 12, 2022 9:39 PM

Get ready to finish your holiday shopping!

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by Anonymousreply 179December 13, 2022 12:45 AM

How the hell did Cathy Rigby get a walk-on?

Excuse me. Fly-on.

And you can see that they rolled her labiolas inward like two herring rollmops to fit into that "Christmas Peter Pan Flying Water Ski bikini bottom.

No peter in that pan!

by Anonymousreply 180December 13, 2022 1:02 AM

Excuse me for being out of breath, I just took that 15-verse train riide from Lawrenceville. I managed to get past CBS security to hand Ms. Lawson that private message from Neely.

I don't know what you mean, I've not at all dressed like a toadstool. Anyway, Miss Lawson's reaction was simply obnoxious...let's just say I was quite literally being followed by a moon shadow!

by Anonymousreply 181December 13, 2022 5:12 AM

"And then THE BITCH demanded new lyrics for [bold]TWENTY[/bold] DAYS of Christmas.

"She was hot and miffed that they wanted to give Nanette Fabray four bars of "Little Drummer Boy" before the choral bridge and THE BITCH found a way to cut the whole number out by sticking in

"One the seventeenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, Seventeen Noses Missing...."

"You're damned right I made it my last job with that so-called entertainer. She kept rifling the grip's cage for electrical tape. THE BITCH had some real kinks. You heard about the kid disappearing from the location shoot of "I'll Plant Your Tree in My Rancho."

by Anonymousreply 182December 13, 2022 9:17 PM

[quote]She was hot and miffed

Pics please.

by Anonymousreply 183December 13, 2022 9:20 PM

Helen’s New Year’s Eve special “A Swinging Soulful Sixty-Nine to You” never got past rehearsals. Ringing in 1969, the guest stars were to be Tom Jones, Janis Joplin, Dusty Springfield and Sammy Davis Jr. Someone in the rehearsal hall dosed Helen’s ever-present “tea” with some particularly potent acid. It is said Helen’s antics were so traumatizing that even this crew walked off the set in disgust. PR issued a statement that Helen had been hospitalized for nervous exhaustion and malnutrition, so the special was canceled. All remaining tapes were burned.

by Anonymousreply 184December 14, 2022 1:13 AM

Julie Harris??! What the fuck am I supposed to do with a Julie Harris??! Watch her have another breakdown????!!!!!!!

by Anonymousreply 185December 14, 2022 2:01 AM

That O'Hara slut is tryna steal my spotlight!

It can't be her birthday again already, can it?

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by Anonymousreply 186December 14, 2022 2:53 PM

My mother, as a little girl, asked Helen for an autograph. She poured a martini over my mother’s head and reportedly said, “ This memory of me will last longer, toots.”

by Anonymousreply 187December 14, 2022 3:32 PM

I grew up watching these! Helen was an inspiration

by Anonymousreply 188December 19, 2022 1:08 AM
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