Hello and thank you for being a DL contributor. We are changing the login scheme for contributors for simpler login and to better support using multiple devices. Please click here to update your account with a username and password.

Hello. Some features on this site require registration. Please click here to register for free.

Hello and thank you for registering. Please complete the process by verifying your email address. If you can't find the email you can resend it here.

Hello. Some features on this site require a subscription. Please click here to get full access and no ads for $1.99 or less per month.

Let's be a terrible Thanksgiving

"But the election was stolen"

by Anonymousreply 89November 25, 2022 5:12 PM

"Brandi, is this husband four or five? I can't keep track anymore"

by Anonymousreply 1November 23, 2022 11:53 PM

Oh please do keep telling us stories about where you won't shop because it's beneath you!

by Anonymousreply 2November 23, 2022 11:56 PM

I’m the Stovetop stuffing

by Anonymousreply 3November 23, 2022 11:56 PM

I'm the grandkid with the tattoo and I am the least loved.

by Anonymousreply 4November 24, 2022 12:04 AM

Choking down some hella dry turkey or super salty damn ham.

by Anonymousreply 5November 24, 2022 12:07 AM

I'm verifying who made the potato salad before I eat it.

by Anonymousreply 6November 24, 2022 12:08 AM

I'd like to say a few words about my cis, white, straight dad before we proceed.

by Anonymousreply 7November 24, 2022 12:13 AM

According to Newsmax....

by Anonymousreply 8November 24, 2022 12:16 AM

I'm covid and I am set to turn dinner into a super-spreader event.

by Anonymousreply 9November 24, 2022 12:33 AM

We're Florida!

by Anonymousreply 10November 24, 2022 12:38 AM

In a religious teetotaler family I'm the only drinker. At the table everyone looks sideways at my red Solo cup.

by Anonymousreply 11November 24, 2022 12:41 AM

I'm the four pumpkin pies people brought, and no chocolate or cherry or apple ...

by Anonymousreply 12November 24, 2022 12:41 AM

I'm the youngest daughter's weird vegan boyfriend.

by Anonymousreply 13November 24, 2022 12:55 AM

Well, you know, in fairness r6, maybe some verification is necessary.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 14November 24, 2022 12:56 AM

I'm the Mormon Tabernacle Choir playing in the background

by Anonymousreply 15November 24, 2022 1:25 AM

I’m the new pronouns that must be used for various family members, this is going to be mine field.

by Anonymousreply 16November 24, 2022 2:27 AM

I'm the frozen turkey that the hosting newlyweds didn't realize they needed to start thawing last Saturday!

by Anonymousreply 17November 24, 2022 2:37 AM

But her emails….

by Anonymousreply 18November 24, 2022 3:18 AM

I'm the commercially-made, bagged croutons. Sprinkle me on the bagged "spring mix" salad. Then, glug some commercially-bottled dressing on me.

by Anonymousreply 19November 24, 2022 3:23 AM

"I get that they died in a shooting and that's tragic and all, but they are perverts and aren't getting into heaven."

by Anonymousreply 20November 24, 2022 3:26 AM

my mil's baked mac and cheese. With diced onions (the store bought pre-chopped) mixed in.

by Anonymousreply 21November 24, 2022 3:29 AM

“You need oven space AND my cook top? I serve dinner in 20 minutes.. I know; you can use my stove in 20 minutes. Touch anything and you’ll pull back a stump, Aunt Fran.”

by Anonymousreply 22November 24, 2022 3:34 AM

I’m all the recyclables in the trash bin because the recycle bin has already been filled with trash. Or vice versa.

by Anonymousreply 23November 24, 2022 3:38 AM

Let's be a typical Thanksgiving

by Anonymousreply 24November 24, 2022 3:42 AM

I’m your father’s newest wife who is committing the mortal sin of hanging out with the guys drinking beers out on the deck while the other women cook.

I will never be accepted into the family because of this.

by Anonymousreply 25November 24, 2022 3:49 AM

"You know what is wrong with JOE FUCKING BIDEN?"

by Anonymousreply 26November 24, 2022 3:55 AM

The election WAS stolen.

by Anonymousreply 27November 24, 2022 4:28 AM

“If only the teacher had a rifle…”

by Anonymousreply 28November 24, 2022 4:32 AM

“Remember Mrs. Letts? They say she pointed out the kids she wanted shot first!”

by Anonymousreply 29November 24, 2022 9:50 AM

“I do, and and I do, and I do for you kids, and this is the thanks I get!”

by Anonymousreply 30November 24, 2022 9:52 AM

“Which one of you is the wife?”

by Anonymousreply 31November 24, 2022 9:53 AM

I'm the clogged kitchen sink.

by Anonymousreply 32November 24, 2022 9:53 AM

“What do you mean you feel like a woman? What does a woman feel like?”

by Anonymousreply 33November 24, 2022 9:58 AM

What’s wrong with Ron DeSantis?

by Anonymousreply 34November 24, 2022 9:58 AM

I’m the troubled cousin, passed-out on the front lawn.

by Anonymousreply 35November 24, 2022 10:07 AM

I'm the one annoying Vegan family member who can't eat ANYTHING on the table except the lame salad I brought.

And I'm going to bitch about it all night.

by Anonymousreply 36November 24, 2022 10:28 AM

I’m the alcoholic friend that you didn’t want to invite but your other friend begged you to give him a chance. I’ll pour a bottle of red wine all over the table trying to fill my glass. I’ll then pour what did make it into the glass on your living room rug and into another guest’s expensive handbag before falling over the couch and passing out. On my way out, I’ll vomit repeatedly and leave little piles of vomit all down your front steps and sidewalk.

by Anonymousreply 37November 24, 2022 12:35 PM

I'm the terrible jello (lime and strawberry with cream cheese) made for the first time by the 14-year-old niece.

I melt when taken out of the mold. The niece starts crying and everyone has to stop eating to comfort her.

by Anonymousreply 38November 24, 2022 12:44 PM

I'm the gravy in the refrigerator.

At 3 a.m., obese Aunt Heather sneaks downstairs and drinks me straight from the gravy boat.

I taste better warmed, but ok.

by Anonymousreply 39November 24, 2022 12:45 PM

"Let me tell you all about how woke the military has become. It's a travesty I tell you.."

by Anonymousreply 40November 24, 2022 12:48 PM

I'm the one dog that couldn't be left at home, when everyone was told no dogs. I might be cute in pictures, but I'm a fucking hyper, untrained piss bag. You'll find my hostess gift(s) sometime before the new year.

by Anonymousreply 41November 24, 2022 12:51 PM

I'm the one dog who was left at home even though I'm a sweet well trained companion. I spend my 8-hour day alone, ripping up a toilet roll.

by Anonymousreply 42November 24, 2022 1:01 PM

"Stop deadnaming me."

by Anonymousreply 43November 24, 2022 1:10 PM

I’m miss sissyboodles who starts vomiting violently in the middle of dinner and needs to taken to the emergency vet

by Anonymousreply 44November 24, 2022 1:10 PM

"I know it's not the greatest Thanksgiving meal, but it's all I could afford, thanks to Joe Biden raising the prices of everything."

by Anonymousreply 45November 24, 2022 1:26 PM

I’m the loose floor rug. I bring on mom’s broken hip just before dessert.

by Anonymousreply 46November 24, 2022 1:39 PM

“Only n*****s eat Mac n cheese at thanksgiving.”

by Anonymousreply 47November 24, 2022 1:47 PM

I'm the perv uncle telling the tweens how fast they grew

by Anonymousreply 48November 24, 2022 2:08 PM

I'm the drunk aunt who kisses her nephews too much

by Anonymousreply 49November 24, 2022 2:48 PM

I’m raw turkey.

by Anonymousreply 50November 24, 2022 3:06 PM

If I can accommodate your feelings by accepting you as a boy, you can accept my feelings that Clarabelle is a lovely name. Besides, I’m too old to learn a new name for you.

by Anonymousreply 51November 24, 2022 3:16 PM

I’m the smell of weed coming from the garage.

by Anonymousreply 52November 24, 2022 3:26 PM

This happened this morning so everyone will be discussing. My 22 yo niece posted a FB screed about the evils of celebrating Thanksgiving and white people and the subjugation of the native Americans.

She's camping with her ethnic, bi bf who insists on being called they/them so she won't be there in spirit but all the oldsters will be talking about her.

by Anonymousreply 53November 24, 2022 3:44 PM

I'm the ice-cold mashed potatoes brought over 15 minutes before dinner is served by my passive-aggressive sister.

by Anonymousreply 54November 24, 2022 4:35 PM

I'm alone, broke, no cigs or weed, dinner is ramen.

by Anonymousreply 55November 24, 2022 4:50 PM

I'm the only alcohol available. Who's having a taste?

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 56November 24, 2022 5:05 PM

“Has it really been twenty-five years since INXS’ Michael Hutchence died from AOC?”

by Anonymousreply 57November 24, 2022 5:49 PM

I'm Hunter Biden's Stove Top Stuffing

by Anonymousreply 58November 24, 2022 5:58 PM

I'm Beau Biden

by Anonymousreply 59November 24, 2022 7:04 PM

No one is eating the gelatinous, just plopped from the can, cranbury sauce. Now...it's melting into a puddle of red goo, and looking more disgusting as the dinner goes on.

by Anonymousreply 60November 24, 2022 8:54 PM

"This country is being taken over by the n****** and the f******

by Anonymousreply 61November 24, 2022 9:35 PM

I’m Uncle Bottom’s sausage stuffing.

by Anonymousreply 62November 24, 2022 11:30 PM

I'm the mysteriously overflowing toilet that no one will admit to clogging.

by Anonymousreply 63November 25, 2022 1:26 AM

I'm Aunt Sarah attempting to call a plumber on holiday.

by Anonymousreply 64November 25, 2022 1:26 AM

I'm the plumber describing the hideous clog he had to snake out of the toilet and showing photos he captured while everyone is eating dessert.

by Anonymousreply 65November 25, 2022 1:27 AM

Hahaha! ^^^

by Anonymousreply 66November 25, 2022 1:35 AM

I'm the four-year-old "prodigy" sitting on an adult chair squeezed at the table because the mother said, "My child will not be infantilized with the slower children in the breakfast room!" suddenly and explosively shits his pants and guess what gets flung across the table right at Grandma, the mother-in-law?

by Anonymousreply 67November 25, 2022 2:15 AM

I'm the toxoplasmosis being delivered in the cream cheesed celery brought in by Fat Pat "The Cat Cousin."

Does the baby lick Mommy's finger for a wee tang of cream cheese?

by Anonymousreply 68November 25, 2022 2:18 AM

I'm your always perfect sister in-law who hate you, but with a smile.

I don't let my kids eat anything with sugar or palm oil, or transgenic, etc. I'm ruining my kids relationship with food forever and and they will never feel good enough for my standards

by Anonymousreply 69November 25, 2022 2:29 AM

I’m the gal with six children, who thinks announcing the news that the impending 7th is on the way, thinking it’s a swell way to cap off the evening.

The odd silence is broken by the sound of her husband’s shotgun firing in the carport. Autopsy will reveal it the head wound was self-inflicted.

by Anonymousreply 70November 25, 2022 3:10 AM

I'm that first blowjob someone gets down in the rec room and it ain't from Aunt Jo.

by Anonymousreply 71November 25, 2022 3:19 AM

I'm old ass drunk Aunt Jilly lamenting through copious tears the same old story of how your Grandma fucked the love of my life 50 years ago, destroying forever the most important relationship of my life! SO WHAT IF WE HAD ONLY BEEN TOGETHER FOR THREE WEEKS! The only one paying attention to me is the family Boxer who greedily eyes the big turkey leg I'm asent mindedly waving around as I relate this great tragedy. Though not in appearance, I still remind everyone if Eunice of "Mamas Family" in demeanor.

by Anonymousreply 72November 25, 2022 4:21 AM

R69 I’m also the smug sister in law who’s always high on marijuana oil. That processed ingestible is magically ok.

by Anonymousreply 73November 25, 2022 4:41 AM

I'm the poop in the toilet. Someone forget to flush....

by Anonymousreply 74November 25, 2022 4:51 AM

I'm the deadly silent acrid turkey farts haunting the living room. The entire house will need an exorcism after the guests depart.

by Anonymousreply 75November 25, 2022 4:51 AM

I am the mom that right after dinner demands that all her grown kids go up in the attic and pull all the Christmas decorations down, resulting in the fat slob brother putting his foot through the ceiling of the hallway and the others being relegated to sorting and untangling miles of ancient lights for both inside and outside.

by Anonymousreply 76November 25, 2022 5:05 AM

I'm the text R77 got from today's hosts stating they tested positive for Covid and the dinner is cancelled, leaving R77 and other guests alone and too late to make other plans. Seriously. This happened.

by Anonymousreply 77November 25, 2022 5:24 AM

That sucks, R77, but much better than getting a text tomorrow informing you that you were exposed to Covid after spending several hours in close contact with your hosts.

by Anonymousreply 78November 25, 2022 5:42 AM

That is true.

by Anonymousreply 79November 25, 2022 5:42 AM

'I thought I'd try a new recipe for the stuffing this year.'

by Anonymousreply 80November 25, 2022 5:57 AM

"We're doing a vegan Thanksgiving this year."

by Anonymousreply 81November 25, 2022 7:02 AM

“I told you I can’t eat gluten! Aunt Barb needs to get out of the bathroom! You fucking made me sick, ma!”

by Anonymousreply 82November 25, 2022 7:10 AM

“Yes, the coffee is decaffeinated. How did you guess?”

by Anonymousreply 83November 25, 2022 7:16 AM

"Are these rolls store bought?"

by Anonymousreply 84November 25, 2022 9:54 AM

I'm the sad realization that no one keeps a plunger in their bathroom.

by Anonymousreply 85November 25, 2022 9:57 AM

I’m the Native Americans.

by Anonymousreply 86November 25, 2022 1:26 PM

I had a terrible Thanksgiving.

by Anonymousreply 87November 25, 2022 2:11 PM

I am the Uncle who is singing all the songs to White Christmas in real-time and still getting the lyrics wrong. I sing along with it but in more of a hum.

by Anonymousreply 88November 25, 2022 2:25 PM

I'm the mother-in-law to the lady of the house passively/aggressively talking shit from the time I walk through the front door, through dinner, and as I'm leaving. "Oh, Diane! I'd have come and helped you clean the house before everyone came. Why didn't you call me?" - "In all the years I cooked for Frank and the kids, I NEVER served store bought ANYTHING! Go on, Timmy. Eat your pie. Gammie will make you a real one when you come and stay!" - "Thanks for having me again, Diane! It's so nice to eat with women who have hearty appetites. I love it that you're so confident in yourself!"

by Anonymousreply 89November 25, 2022 5:12 PM
Need more help? Click Here.

Yes indeed, we too use "cookies." Take a look at our privacy/terms or if you just want to see the damn site without all this bureaucratic nonsense, click ACCEPT. Otherwise, you'll just have to find some other site for your pointless bitchery needs.


Become a contributor - post when you want with no ads!