How to nip infatuation in the bud?

He's being courteous and professional. Just tell yourself to stay the same and resolve to do just that.

When did he tell you he was partnered? Because if it was after you met face to face, he's telling you that on purpose.

It was after, r2, and more of a comment in passing.

I doubt it was in passing. More likely stating boundaries.

He’s partnered till your big swinging Dick comes out

Don’t get involved with people you work with, OP, if at all possible.

Been there, done that, and everyone hated me for dating the boss.

Best to find another job if you do get involved.

The above being said, stay away from partnered people.

It’s not OK, unless the person is already separated from their partner, or going through a divorce. And even then, it can get very messy.

R5 then he’s lassoed!

I got the wrong thread - I thought it said:

"How to nip INFLATION in the bud" - which I was rather curious about, myself.

Are you single or partnered, OP?

Enjoy the interactions and your feelings, but don’t act on it. Crushing on work people near and far can be fun fodder for fantasies but that’s it.

Single, r9

r8 = Joe Biden

I say go for it. I dated a few Marines in my command. Hot guys, hot times. 🔥

Send him nude pics then follow up with “oops sorry! Wrong person”!

LOL that would end in tears, r13

Imagine the person of your fantasies doing something gross and/or ridiculous, and remind yourself that they are only a fellow primate.

This is a technique I also use to calm panic attacks I get about meeting new, unfamiliar or intimidating people. I tell myself, "they're just dumb horny naked hairy apes, who'd be shitting in the woods were it not for electricity, textiles and fission. *I'm* just a dumb horny naked hairy ape. This is just a fucking space rock full of bacteria and mutants. None of this matters. Nothing saves. No real stakes. Just "ooh ooh ah ah" back at these people and see what happens." And then actually go a step further and really imagine the person(s) you want to stop feeling scared by in that base situation--imagine them naked, lumpy and ugly and plain and animalistic, looking stupid and lacking human intelligence, squatting down in the dirt.

It sounds nihilistic and corny and mad, but it genuinely works. In the year since I've been using it, I as an avoidant hypochondriac cripplingly-shy person have breezed into several strange social situations and just taken it easy, laughing and joking and chatting with ease. I don't even recognise myself in those moments, in a good way. It's a huge weight lifted. Up to now I've always been the romanticising inferiority-complex type to get too intense about others, but this mental exercise is really cutting through that.

Natural maturity probably also has a lot to do with the change in my attitude, though, to be fair, as well as the fact that I can no longer afford the luxury of time/energy etc. to putting others on a pedestal.

R15 is psycho

just climb on another dick for a few weeks...

r15 needs to cool it with the purple prose.

I hate to tell you…it will just have to pass in time.

There are no special tricks.

Trust that the infatuation will eventually quiet.

Try to create a scene where u both can be naked together. Whether it be scheduling a couples massage, swimming at a pool, naked yoga, etc

I scheduled couples massages for my str8 married boyfriend and I. We got horny afterwards and immediately checked in to a nearby Hampton Inn for the afternoon.

Are you really into someone who says you’re a delight to meet in person?

He probably senses that you're attracted to him and is egging you on a bit. A lot of people do this in a professional setting (enjoy feeling attractive), it doesn't mean you'll end up in bed or in a supply closet.

Anyway, I would respond to all correspondence a day later. No more immediate responses. Given a choice of face-to-face, talking or email, choose email.

R23 will cause you to live alone and regret life

r22 .... what's wrong with that?

To act on your passions makes you common. My guess is because you are reaching out for opinions, you're a person with a conscience. Look elsewhere to satisfy your urges, you'll be better off for it.

R18, I disagree. He got me at fission. " . . . they're just dumb horny naked hairy apes, who'd be shitting in the woods were it not for electricity, textiles and fission."

I use a much simpler version of his technique but I like how much thought he put into it.

Remind yourself that these feelings of infatuation are all chemical, nothing more.

That is helpful, r28. Thanks.

Remind yourself you only go around on the merry go round ONCE in life.

r23 also helps.

He is a silver daddy (just my type), and I sense he has a rather healthy ego and doesn't mind the attention.

He is also clearly a flirt

Cyber-stalk him until you’re bored.

Nothing kills infatuation like having sex with the son of a bitch, I always find.

r34 isn't wrong

Depends on how the sex was.

+1 with r27

cut off your penis

Nip it in the bud by being a grown up.

Honestly, I feel COVID has made me lonelier and more desperate. I have a fb but I want someone to pay attention to me too.

Why are you hell bent on seeing his prolapse?

You're not being a "Mary" (Oh, how I hate that usage). These situations can be extremely tough emotionally (especially if you're uncertain about the sexual orientation of the person). But he's been up front with you regarding having a partner and that should make it easier. Just enjoy the level of contact you have with him and don't say or do anything stupid (you're at work)----it's a very crude phrase, but "don't shit where you eat".

Search for a lookalike rentman who will go along with a fantasy boyfriend experience; then, find a reason to break up.

You're and adult. Just say to yourself NO. Just an act of will: NO. Do not get involved with anyone from work. No.

I love you, R15.

Oh, darn. I first thought this thread was about nipples. Oh well.

Carry on.

Someone -- I think it was Proust -- wrote that there can be no satisfaction in love, because every desire fulfilled is merely a starting point for further desire.

He emailed yesterday and I haven't replied yet. I know that every interaction we have will make getting out of the hole of infatuation more difficult, and I know there is no future, and shouldn't be.

But damn. As r42 points out, it's difficult to resist.

He's a silver daddy? This is his game. You are merely a player. He knows what he's doing, don't humiliate yourself into thinking it's anything but an ego boost for him.

... trust me.

Ugh ... you're most likely correct, r48.

He's the one who suggested we meet for lunch, and was rather flirty right off the bat. Well, teasing, at least. I do think he enjoys the attention, even if it doesn't lead to anything for him either.

Eyes immediately went to “nip infatuation” I was like hunny sign me up.

Lol r50

Here is one possibility: He wants you as a side piece, and you'll never be anything more than that to him. If you start seeing him and develop feelings, and want more, he will say that he told you from the beginning he was in a relationship, that's why he said he had a partner right away. He's manipulating you to get what he wants, so he can have some dick on the side. He's selfish and entitled.

The old beady-eyed, white-haired fool should be retired by now!

SNAP OUT OF IT!

We are also slappin' the moronic OP. SNAP OUT OF IT!

*SLAP*

R47, I don't mean this unkindly, but you sound a little teenage girly in R47. This is not hard to resist. It's also no crime to enjoy. But see it for what it is, which is something you're unlikely to remember in the long term.

in my experience it's not really possible, just avoid talking to him as much as you can

OP, even animals know not to shit and eat in the same place.

I would avoid getting involved with a partnered guy even if he says he is in an open relationship or polyamorous or whatever. I did once and it just ended in heartbreak for me.

He assured me his partner was aware, he was only in town for a few months, he and his partner hadn't had sex in years, his partner was having sex with other guys already, blah, blah, blah.

When he left, he said we would remain friends, but he's dropped some not so subtle hints that he has no plans of ever seeing me again. Even though he and his partner were going through a rough patch and thinking about splitting up, he's made it pretty clear that I'm not even close to next in line. He told me deeply intimate things that made me really think that he loved me. He doesn't. And while I tried to keep up communication with him, he doesn't return texts, I see him online and say hi and he doesn't respond. When he does respond, he acts like we're still great friends. I think he's just too nice a guy to come right out and say it's never gonna happen for us. He doesn't want to hurt my feelings. But it has anyway.

I had to disconnect from him altogether. Everyday he likes whatever I post online, but he never texts or calls. And seeing that he liked a pic I posted just reminds me that he's not and never was my boyfriend (even though we were extremely intimate, both physically and emotionally). I do still care about him very much. He didn't do anything to specifically hurt me and was never anything but loving and kind. He's just not ever going to be my boyfriend.

I got burned. It was my fault for letting my feelings turn what should have been a purely sexual relationship into something that I thought was more. And I'll never sleep with someone else's boyfriend again.

There's a lot more to the story then I'm just a slut who slept with a guy who already had a a partner. I can tell the difference between a hookup and a relationship. We had both lost our moms at around the same time and he did things like go with me on road trips to spread her ashes and consoled me when I cried about it. It wasn't not "real", but it also wasn't something that could turn into something lasting.

As someone who just got brutally rejected by a single colleague and can barely stand to show up at work now, I'd suggest trying to find a new object of lust. I've been going through the dating apps to distract myself.

When you think of this person, what are 3 (non-physical) traits or qualities that come to mind? Think on this list and know that these are qualities you want to work on or exhibit yourself. I wish I had understood this a long time ago before embarking on a couple of ill-fated workplace romances.

[r60] I can relate to your story.

My mom says I feel too much. Love too much. Hate too much.

It’s a curse and a gift.

Usually… it’s just a curse.

OP proves, once again, "A Stiff Dick Has No Conscience."

R63, your mother sounds like a real sop.

R60, I had to learn the hard way, too. I’m at the point now that it isn’t unusual for me to go a week without thinking about him, which is really good. Sometimes I wonder how he’s doing and I tell myself the answer is that he’s doing the same as he always was, which is very likely true.

I don’t have any suggestions for waking you up, OP. Nothing could have made me stop until I finally couldn’t evade the truth anymore. I hope you cut your losses now.

I've been letting an email from him languish in my inbox without a response ... but I probably need to reply today.

I think, just maybe, I've missed the feeling of infatuation. It makes me feel young again.

Thanks r66

My goal is to wait at least 24 hours before replying to him about anything. I figure that is adequate time to keep momentum from building on either side.

Here’s my story:

I’m 35 and gay. I worked at a dental office that was mostly small. A group of 12 of us. All women but a male doctor and me. He’s 50, handsome and all the women are in love with him. I didn’t really like him at first…but then of course…it changed.

He’s…of course… a married (to a woman) republican, Christian.

We used to fight all the time about politics. There was fire….and passion. It seemed we were always fighting and making up.

I’m sure it looked like I was the hopeless gay guy flirting with the straight married guy. In many ways that’s what it was.

He flirted back. He indulged. But he never really cared about me…or said he did. Not in the way I needed to hear. Not in the way I loved him.

I finally got the courage to quit my job.

Miraculously we stayed friendly… until….

The woman hired to replace me quit. He asked me to come back. I had enough self respect to say no…and yet it was all I ever wanted.

He promised me turning him down wouldn’t change things…of course it did. He probably felt betrayed. No one ever tells him no. He always gets what he wants.

But then again… I wasn’t what he wanted…he wanted me to work for him…that was it. Nothing more, nothing less.

I went in to get my teeth cleaned one last time…he was polite. But I was patient. I wasn’t a co-worker. I wasn’t a friend. I wasn’t…anything…to him anymore.

My heart broke in that chair.

I won’t go back. He will probably never contact me again.

I’m still grieving something that never really was to begin with

"Feed me, Seymour."

R70 - and I mean this in a caring way - get a life.

OP, you need to quickly contrive a situation where you can present hole to this Alpha Daddy Stud. If you let him know you're available for ravishing, you'll short-circuit his little game and he won't be able to resist possessing you immediately.

I am glad I read this thread today. I have developed an attraction for my boss that really needs to go away.

[quote] I went in to get my teeth cleaned one last time…he was polite. But I was patient. I wasn’t a co-worker. I wasn’t a friend. I wasn’t…anything…to him anymore. My heart broke in that chair.

MARY. Time to get a new dentist.

[quote]How to nip infatuation in the bud?

OP, just keep telling yourself he's an indolent wiper.

Unless that's precisely why that bud needs nipping despite being so well manured.

r76 good thing I'm not the scat troll!

[r70] here checking back in. I shared my story…I know I sounded foolish. I know I need to get a life. I know I need a new dentist.

I know I am pathetic.

Murder suicide, the end.

You must Ford off their infatuation of early. So no one gets hurt. I made that mistake not doing that, twice.

I have an intense crush on a guy in our building. I've had it for about a year and doubt that anything except full consummation would cure it, which isn't possible in my monogamous relationship.

OP Just say you're seeing someone.

But maybe you two were meant to be. Maybe you and he are soulmates.

[quote]For of all sad words of tongue or pen, / The saddest are these: “It might have been!”

I'm in a relationship and I love my partner, but I've been infatuated with someone going on over two years. Can't get this guy out of my head (he's partnered, too).

Eugh, same here, R84! It's so much worse when it's over another gay guy because you know there's a possibility that he'd be into it and wouldn't have any ethical qualms.

R85, it really is so intense that sometimes, I can't even function. I hate that I feel it because my partner loves me with every fiber of his being and I love him, but I cannot stop thinking about this other guy and I hate myself for it going on THIS long -- over two fucking years and I still can't over him. It hasn't even lessened. And thinking about him as a "primate" doesnt work, because I would lick his shitter in a heartbeat!

get* over him

Is he a silver daddy r86?

r86 are you in frequent contact with him?

Couldn't R15 just have said, "imagine him taking a big dump?

Nothing like an office infatuation to make the workday hum, right guys? I say flirt back and flirt again. He’s partnered and you know it. Have fun. I was in a similar situation and it did not end in tears.

[quote]Is he a silver daddy [R86]?

No, not that I haven't had my fair share of them. He has dark hair and stunning green eyes. His eyes are what captivated me. The rest of him is average, leaning cute. He looks like a suburban dad right down to the "dadbod." Early 40s with a bit of a paunch and he's very intelligent.

[R86]are you in frequent contact with him?

I wish. Only through mutual friends. I actually don't know him very well, but I couldn't stop thinking about him from the moment we met.

[quote][R86]are you in frequent contact with him? *

Then stalk him, you fool. You're on the internet, aren't you? Dig in and learn something!

Maybe you'll learn he's a Republican (check open secrets)

Maybe he's poor (block shopper)

Maybe he writes LoR fanfic (Google)

Infatuation exists in mystery and fantasy- pop the balloon and make him just a man!

I came for the nipple infatuation. Whoops!

Someone at work told me “wow that face” when we had our COVID masks off and there’s been this tension since then. So it’s easy enough to not follow up with going anywhere he would be off campus, especially bars or parties. My advice is enjoy the memory of that flirtation and leave it.

Good advice, r96

It doesn't help that he has the confidence of a man who loves sex because he knows he's good at it

CONJECTURE!

Just do him already!

I had a fuck buddy for a long time who was in an open relationship (or so he said). It was fun for a while, but at the end of the day, I wasn't the person that he shared his life with. And even though the sex was very good for many years, it didn't make up for the emptiness of knowing that we'd never have anything more.

I look at this guy, and I see the same emptiness. Even if we did fuck. Then what?

^Exactly -- it would just lead to more emptiness, except this time it would make work awkward at a minimum.

If there is a part of you hoping that an affair will happen, that you would be open to the possibility, try to close that door in your head. It's easier to just enjoy the infatuation. I have a coworker I have a crush on. When I see him on camera, I often fantasize about taking off his clothes and riding him, to be honest -- but he's married (to a woman) and has a kid, so I don't want to throw a grenade in that. I'd probably just be unsuccessful besides. But since I know that nothing is going to happen, I can just enjoy. Would it really be better if all your coworkers were homely? :)

On point:

Send him a hole pic!

That would end in tears r104

This is not exactly going as planned ... it's hard to give up my fantasies.

Maybe I should indulge the fantasies knowing they're just that -- not real.

But my heart does somersaults whenever I hear from him.

I don't know about you but the fact that someone already has a partner is a turn-off for me. They're sleeping with this person, they're into that person and not me (unless he's made it clear he's into you which this doesn't sound like). I have no interest in being in a masochistic situation like that. And especially when it's someone I'm working with - stay away from that if possible because it could get messy.

What's wrong with a little sex in the office with hot male colleagues? 🤷‍♂️

[quote] But my heart does somersaults whenever I hear from him.

MARY.

LOL r109. I'll admit, that MARY was well-deserved

I need to be reminded why this is a bad idea .... MARY!

He's partnered, schmuck.

You're being disrespectful starting the drama here while pretended you don't want in your "real" life, which actually is not real.

We're not your stalking alternative/condoners/pleaders/friends.

I know, r112. That's what I keep reminding myself -- that he's taken.

r70 Jesus...get a room...

R113 Self-respect. That's what you need a dose of. I see that in R101 you mentioned having a fuck buddy who was also partnered and how empty it ended up making you feel. So recognise the pattern here and start looking for available gay men who want a relationship.

Thanks r115

OP. Just get it over with. Have some sex and be done with it. In 5 years if won't matter anyway. JUST DEUX IT

Drown his partner in the tub and give the grieving man a shoulder to cry on- and some mourning sex.

Do what Alexis Colby...or Dominique Devereux...would do! They would do him.

At this point, I think that I am afraid of losing out on what could be an enjoyable professional friendship.

I've noticed on thing about him: he's letting me set the tone of our budding friendship. If I write a brief email, he responds with a brief reply. If I write a Proustian missive, he responds in kind. I know, however, that when I send anything, he writes back quickly, so I need to be judicious about spacing out my messages across multiple days. That way, we can still be friends, but not allow any other momentum to build.

[quote]I scheduled couples massages for my str8 married boyfriend and I.

R21 I also have a straight boyfriend on app, only he is not married, he is 20 yo twink. We haven't met up yet, but there is great chemistry between us. Only problem is that he thinks I am a blondie in her 30s with big boobs.

R31 Silver daddy or dildo savvy?

Omg why do gay men call their boyfriends or fuck buddies 'straight'? They aren't straight, they're gay or bi but in the closet or pretending. What's up with this fetishizing of straight men that I frequently see on DL? There's no appeal in someone who isn't attracted to me having sex with me. I still don't get it.

R120, mirroring. He's a sociopath.

R120 Why are you still hung up on this ridiculous man? Why aren't you going out there finding someone else to be infatuated with who is available?

My twink is really straight. I was trying to feel him up, find out if he is bi curious. He seemed rather gay friendly, but claimed that he is not attracted to men at all. He said that he would participate in group sex where other men are involved, only on condition that they don't touch him and he don't touch them.

But, could he turn to be like that guy in love with Jack Lemmon in Some like it hot, who accepted his masculinity, concluding: nobody is perfect?

R126 By your account he thinks that you're a blondie in her 30s with big boobs so yeah, he really is straight.

Also sad; why are you doing that? Why aren't you looking for gay men? What's up with this thing for straight men? They are straight and will never be able to be into you.

R127 I was bored and it was just out of curiosity, let's say for scientific reasons, to have a little insight in the sexual behavior (of course only virtual) of heterosexual male. But this little guy is really interesting and it was fun. Though he started to lose his patience, cause he wants to meet up. Don't feel sorry for him, he is a little fox anyway.

[quote][R120], mirroring. He's a sociopath.

MARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Damn OP replies to itself a lot

Men who have sex with men aren't heterosexual

I've concluded that it may not be possible to really put the breaks on infatuation. But I can control what I do with it.

You don't. Just be gay about it; hook up with him and you're quickly on to the next 'infatuation'

I would like to OH, DEAR myself at r132

I recently sparked with a co-worker. We are both partnered, and our interactions have taken on a flirty vibe. Nothing will come of it beyond just giving me a little excitement and jerk off fodder. And honestly- that is more than enough. Some things are really better left to the imagination.

ignore him pointedly for awhile and see how he reacts

We're communicating every few days, r136, but I'm going to give it a week

We're moving in the wrong direction, and I feel like such a fool.

what’s happening OP??

Use a woke label that tells them your front door is locked. That’s what I do now in the dating apps and the players dissipated. The remaining interactions have been more pleasant and engaging.

I was unsuccessful. But I think we're just going to be friends.

Imagine them as mere stardust, right down to the atomic level. Helps with any kind of emotional attachment, not just infatuation.

Thanks r142

My advice: Don't ever get involved with someone who's already in a relationship, whether they're married or partnered. It's nothing but DRAMA and it will drive you mad. Save yourself the grief, you don't need that kind of shit in your life.