Weirdest Thing a Christian Has Said to You?

An email closing with, “In His Grip.” …this was a step up from her normal closing of, “Blessings.”

"Jesus died for your sins."

Any variation of "have you been saved?" Culty.

Many years ago, my neighbor came over to ask some questions. Some religious group was going door to door proselytizing. She said one of many arguments why man was "fallen and sinful" (thanks to Eve, of course), was humans get venereal diseases and animals don't.

She knew I was a senior in vet school, so I started listing sexually transmitted diseases, species by species. She insisted that I go back to her house with her and "educate" the Bible folks.

I was a very short discussion, using two of my textbooks, before they shut up and left.

In (private evangelical) high school I had a daffy teacher who loved to blather on and on about all the "blessings" Jesus bestowed to her. I don't mean the usual Christian habit of labeling any bit of good fortune as a blessing; rather, she honestly believed she was receiving swag from the Lord on a regular basis. If she was craving a Big Mac, she shot a quick prayer up above and within an hour someone showed up at her door with a bag from McDonald's. If she needed a Phillips screwdriver, one would show up on her sidewalk. Her evangelism was mostly based on how much cool stuff you get when you're a Christian. I never have the nerve to point out how she was basically reducing Christianity to witchcraft.

She once spoke at our daily worship service about how she believed her arrival in heaven and meeting Jesus would happen. She vividly described wandering around in a crowd then suddenly seeing Jesus in the distance, how their eyes locked and they slowly moved toward each other, finally falling into each other's arms as she felt his downy beard brush against her cheek and his strong hands against her lower back and the warmth of his love surging through her body. It got really uncomfortable. All the kids afterwards were like, "I thought Jesus was about to fuck her!"

Rated R movies means I Refuse to watch

Some JW lady I know gave me this booklet for young people about clean living. I was probably 22 or so. As I look back, it was probably about not being a fudge packer. I kind of flipped through it and threw it away.

That's hilarious R5. Reminds me of the Faith Plus One episde of South Park.

I do think some of those nutty evangelicals do have sex fantasies in involving Jesus.

That the world was going to end in 1994, so I’d better stock up on canned goods.

Everything after "Have you found the Lord?"

“But I’m trying to help you SAVE YOUR FUCKING SOUL FROM BURNING IN HELL, YOU UNGRATEFUL SINNER!”

Was he cumming at that moment, r11?

R9, they told me the world would end in 1982 when all the planets were aligned, so the Rapture would occur seven years prior to that in 1975. When the "Christians" didn't disappear in 1975, they rearranged the story and keep kicking the can down the road. It's always "just around the corner".

[quote] I never have the nerve to point out how she was basically reducing Christianity to witchcraft.

It's the same thing only more popular.

This... 🤮

I worked with a woman who tried to talk me into becoming a Christian. It was when she said that even the Pope wouldn't get into heaven, but only those who belonged to and fully believe their flavor of Baptist teachings. No one got into heaven before the time Jesus lived, regardless of where they lived or their religion. What about all of the Jews? Nope, not in heaven. Must have been empty in the early days.

“I don’t know why you can’t just like a nice pair of tits.”

I was visiting a church with relatives, and the music/choir director stood up at the pulpit and started blubbering all over the place. He had either cheated on his wife or was thinking about it or some shit.

Tacky and messy!

Baptists, of course.

There was a girl who signed my yearbook with, "Love in Him" and drew a cross with her name. My sister and still crack each other up by randomly mentioning it.

My teacher in PUBLIC school asked all of the Catholics to raise their hands and informed us that we'd all be going to hell. This was 1990

I was 17, had just come out and was seriously depressed. My mothers; Baptist friend told me homosexuality and depression were caused by a lack of god in my life.

One of my customers told me that Obama was the antichrist and Trump was anointed by the Lord. They seemed outwardly sane and functional too

That’s hilarious, r20!

One said we didn't need to know science, that God is the answer for *everything*.

When I spoke to a friend about my dad's battle with Alzheimer's and Parkinson's, and time was near putting him in a care home, she said I needed to "plead the blood of the baby Jesus". As a Jew I was insulted, but I know how most of them are, so I said "really?"

Then when I started to think about this cockamamie phrase, I had to ask what that really meant. The Romans didn't slaughter a baby called Jesus as a human sacrifice, so what's the deal with that?

"Plead the blood" seems to be Southern Christian or Southern Baptist for asking for god's mercy. Seems gross that blood is such a fixation.

Years ago I when I worked in an office there was a nice polite young guy who worked in the mailroom. My only contact with him was when he distributed mail every day. He left the job for some reason and on his last day he went around saying goodbye to people as he distributed mail. As he was saying goodbye to me he suddenly announced he wanted to PRAY for me and got down on his knees and gave a prayer. I was so embarrassed and nonplussed by it I don't even remember what he said. Just gave a forced smile and said something polite and that was that. Never encountered that in office before or since. I've often wondered if he prayed for everybody he said goodbye to or if he thought I especially needed to be prayed for.

My crazy religious sister-in-law told me that life on Earth is a test to see if you're worthy of fighting in the huge war that God and Jesus are waging (against Satan?). So I guess your Christian warrior attitude is what's really important.

That's hilarious, R4. I remember hearing that the Koala Community was riddled with chlamydia, which is obviously due to the sinning ways of the little marsupials that got them thrown out of the Eucalyptus Garden of Eden.

Did she want you to tell her Bible-thumpers actual scientific knowledge, though? I'm surprised.

Omg, r26!

HAHAHAHAHAHA

R24 I had a Mormon women I worked with say that. If it wasn't in the Bible it wasn't necessary to life.

If anyone told me they had seen angels I would have referred them to a psych ward.

I worked with a JW who wouldn't eat the Reese's peanut butter cups from the candy dish on the receptionist's desk because they were wrapped in red and green Christmas colors.

Me too R31. Schizophrenic.

It's not so much what they SAID it's what I observed at the Episcopal church. A man mimicking having sex with a sheep before services after he told a story about it. I watched, dumb struck, as he then walked into the church. That church was insane.

Episcopal R34? That's bizarre because we were episcopal and pretty laid back and nonchalant. I always call them xtian lite.

Sister Agnes told us that protestants were "benighted" and would remain in purgatory until the Pope convinced Jesus to let them out. As for Jews they had no chance as they were Christ killers.

^ Catholic school, as vicious as Roman rule

I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black

I held my tongue as she told me, son

Fear is the heart of love, so I never went back

OH, this church performed a "high mass". The rigidity was interesting.

R34, was it that horrible gag about another guy remarking on the sheep sticking its tongue out as it was being fucked, and the one fucking it says, 'if that's my dick, stick another sheep on'?

@r30, "If it wasn't in the Bible it wasn't necessary to life"

I'd love to see her driving 🙄

An Episcopalian I knew once said to a Baptist who asked if they were saved "I'm an Episcopalian, I don't need to be saved."

The quack who took over our retiring family doctor's practice when I was in Middle School spent most of my initial physical exam talking about the dangers playing Dungeons & Dragons posed to my immortal soul. I felt like asking him to point that out for me on a diagram in one of his Anatomy books.

Dude later got caught molesting some teenager.

Episcopalians, wherever there's 4 there's a 5th 😜

I want to worship you like I worship Christ

He meant, once a week for 45 minutes, R44.

^ Well, that sounds a little awkward

They don’t have to say anything. The thinly veiled contempt verging on hostility when I mention I was raised Catholic speaks volumes.

When I got into the college I really wanted to go to, a friend said, "God got you into that college." No weirdo. God didn't write my essays or take classes at Junior Colleges for 5 years. I did.

R48 is a little touchy.

Not said, but my aunt is a born-again Christian now and the first thing she did to me when I saw her after she had converted was douse me with holy water. I started screaming “it burns!” to fuck with her and she didn’t take it well.

"I will baptize you after you die" by the Mormon kid who lived across the hall from me in college in 1971 when he found out I had never been baptized. I never saw him again after that school year.

Mormons believe you only get into heaven if you have been baptized into the Mormon religion so they are big into after death baptisms. It is the reason they are so into genealogy so they can find past relatives who need to be baptized.

God will provide. Oddly enough, he got a new job within a month of getting laid off and 5 months later his parents died and he inherited over 3 million dollars.

Just what the DL needs….. another atheist thread.

Sad

Nut^^^^

There’s an interesting 45 minutes Werner Herzog documentary from 82 for free on Tubi called God’s Angry Man.

Sounds like God helping those who help themselves, R52.

R56 thinks your friend is a murderer.

“I love Daddy DeSantis! DESANTIS 2024! 🥰😍😘”

- Some idiot right here on DL who claims to be a “christian”

[quote] I believe marriage is not just a bond but a sacred bond between a man and a woman. I have had occasion in my life to defend marriage, to stand up for marriage, to believe in the hard work and challenge of marriage. So I take umbrage at anyone who might suggest that those of us who worry about amending the Constitution are less committed to the sanctity of marriage, or to the fundamental bedrock principle that it exists between a man and a woman, going back into the midst of history as one of the founding, foundational institutions of history and humanity and civilization, and that its primary, principal role during those millennia has been the raising and socializing of children for the society into which they are to become adults

said without irony despite her philandering husband

I liked my church until they started talking in tongues. That day, an older female patron told me I needed to fellowship with others. I told her that I can pray and worship anywhere, anytime, and didn't feel that a crowd added to my faith. The talking in tongues ended my association with that church.

r60 perhaps you should have "talked" back

Hi are you interested in eternal life?

^ Sounds like Dracula

R5…

For your friend.

All she needs is a scenario where she hopefully finds herself, falling in love with a real human being, who she can touch.

R59, who?

I like them neat and clean Mormon boys that come knocking on my door

I went to Catholic school and was taught early on that my non Catholic friends would be going to hell.

R67 went to Catholic school in the 1950s or 1940s and has not revised his views of the Catholic Church since.

r65

[quote]R68: [R67] went to Catholic school in the 1950s or 1940s and has not revised his views of the Catholic Church since. —Vatican II be damned!

𝑂𝑟, alternatively, R67 encountered a Catholic who disregarded Vatican II, of whom there's many, especially here in the US. Cardinal Spellman, among others, conspicuously led American Catholicism in a direction 𝑎𝑔𝑎𝑖𝑛𝑠𝑡 the Vatican of John XXIII and urged the US into war with Vietnam. But it wasn't merely a war issue; they attempted to cultivate resistance to Vatican II, and as a result, the reforms of Vatican II have never fully taken hold here in the US. Among Catholics, that culture war is still being fought today.

A very pious Catholic woman told me it would be a good thing if the Inquisition returned, if it made the world more "pure".

R59 / R69, that was then, this is now. People change.

The former views of Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are never going to be the opinion-stampeding watershed you troll brigades are hoping to make them. You cannot sell this bullshit to LGBTs. Nobody's buying.

R72 People grow, evolve, if they're doing it correctly! So many others who have turned the coner, yet they're pounced on for "flip-flopping". I think that's rather sad.

Why do we spend so much time trying to change minds, and when we do, we get R59 / R69?

R59 / R69 is paid to be here. You cannot change its mind, but no loss there. It's probably not even living in the US, or actually gay. It's just selling Russian talking points online.

I’m going door to door witnessing this weekend. Don’t answer the door naked or I’ll measure your penis

Just all that shit in the bible. All of it. Regurgitation of those stories. What in the Sam hill is this shit!? Surely pagan shit couldn't be worse.

Lot's daughters trying to fuck him. Pottifers wife trying to seduce David. The brothers that formed the Christians and the Muslims. Just all the weird shit. It's allegorical lessons and interesting creation myths.

But my God. The people who act like it's a literal documentary of real shit that happened. No wonder they are screaming crazy on the street. Then you fall into the whole delusion thing about Satan. Just whatever.

Then you see other cultures without it and it's totally fine.

We made it up to be good and kind and people went a little crazy with it.

Is it called a rosary because mother Mary floats a rose up to heaven on your behalf after you pray to her a bunch of times?

R77 Wholeheartedly I agree with you, yet I continue to kindle my sabbath candles, and reading the parsha, because I enjoy the ritual. and I value the 'down-time', and the self reflection. The wine and the music I enjoy is a part of my tradition as well.

A baptist woman once told me that the reason Jesus turning the water into wine wasn't the sin of making alcohol was that it was just grape juice. Grape juice didn't ferment until Jesus died on the cross.

Before Jesus, wine = grape juice. After Jesus, it fermented into the sin of alcohol to punish sinners for their weakness.

r73 r72 You can't retcon history. You assume it's trolling and what that it must mean I'm rightwing. Did you know the hrc wanted people to support HRC back when she was more fully against marriage? What would you have said then? IT's not about either, or. It's both. It's all.

Has she ever evolved on an issue when it would cost her? When it was a risk, a stupid thing or even just the brave thing to do. . .

Trump held up a rainbow flag and even appointed lgbt positions, I guess you thought he evolved then, too.

You probably even voted for him.

“JESUS LOVES YOU”

R81 I wouldn't piss on Trump if he were on fire...AND screaming for my piss. Why do so many here assume or imagine so much. I also do not vote for American candidates here because I'm British. I refuse to become "one of you".

[quote]R81: You assume it's trolling and what that it must mean I'm rightwing.

I don't assume; I know. The argument you're making is the tiredest old shit, from the Russian playbook back in 2015/2016.

[quote]Did you know the hrc wanted people to support HRC back when she was more fully against marriage? What would you have said then?

Yes because, all things being equal, at that point in time, she was still the most progressive of candidates, even at a time when 𝑛𝑜 𝑜𝑛𝑒 in politics was supporting gay marriage. The Human Rights Campaign understood then, and I understood, that you work with what you've got at the time you've got it, and the fact is that, at any point in our politics, in the 1990s or in the aughts, regardless how unevolved her views at the time, she was still better than any Republican, implacable foes of LGBTs that they've always been. You can never argue that Republicans preferable without lying your ass off.

[quote] Trump held up a rainbow flag and even appointed lgbt positions, I guess you thought he evolved then, too... You probably even voted for him.

No, babe. Because he didn't. I've never drank from sources polluted with 𝑑𝑒𝑧𝑖𝑛𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑚𝑎𝑡𝑠𝑖𝑦𝑎, and have always cut through to the things Trump 𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑦 did and said against LGBTs. I've never been fooled by him.

I'm 58 years old. I lived through those times, as a citizen of this country. You cannot shake my sense of history and what made sense for LGBTs in the context of those times. I doubt you're old enough, or even a citizen of the US.

R84 I must hand it to you, Dragon, you're a master of some of the best retorts here, without devolving into their madness. Very prescient.

So a thread about Christianity has devolved into too long to read posts about Hillary and Trump?

Get another obsession bros.

.,.,

A woman once told me that she can recognize ministers and that I was one. I've been waiting to see the light ever since.

r84 their support was in 1999. Someof us remember that no politician is truly our friend.

So, why are you so sure that Democrats, especially establishment Democrats, won't "evolve" their opinions again? Several are already starting to waiver. They knew for decades the roe v wade was on shaky ground and even when it came to a head, memo leaked, they largely sat on their hands. . . several states have moved into regressive laws on not only abortion but lgbt issues as well.

I could have quoted Pat Robertson, Focus on the Family - there's a dandy quote from James Dobson how to prevent homosexuality by showering with your kids.

But there are elements of that on the left as well. . . and it's increasing, while a lot of people have evolved on the issue, decades in their lives, when it was politically convenient, largely stemming off the backlash when GHFs/wbc took to protesting soldiers funerals to bash lgbt when patriotism was still in an high in the years following 9/11.

I see a trend with the public heading the other way, Democrats once again boosting the far right and claiming it's because they think they'll have a better chance of defeating them.... and the public, left those that are decidely left becoming hostile to us once again. . . I can't help but fear that even those among the left will "devolve" their opinions when it's once again convenient for their campaigns.

^ you know or we could escape to the 80s, perhaps that will be better discussion, when a group of dairy queens/southern lgbt, went undercover for a year to infilitrate a particularly homophobic televangelist tv network and hijack their feed for three days. They weren't particularly radical or even anti-christian abou tit, many professed themselves to be christians. . . they did the peace and love thing.

some would try in the 90s. . . it didn't work out as well and then, of course, actup/qn pushed things to the extremes with Clinton administration. . while we all community leaders regulated to the shadows with the rise of celebrity and political allies. I should go dig up DLs threads on the human rights campaign, jsut for kicks.

or I suppose we could continue speaking about christians...

the 90s is when the christian reich thrived... funny, that.

I was told by a close family member, and fundamentalist, that my parents were evil.

Exorcism. A teenage Black girl tried to cast out my demons on the street in Park Slope Brooklyn having just walked out of a church service. She was all hyped up on the Spirit. On another occasion I was in one of the Episcopal churches there to look at the Tiffany windows. This was an evangelical Episcopal church then, I think it's since gone liberal, and an older Black woman came up to me and asked if I wanted her to prayer over me.

I told her to feel free to prayer for me any time she wanted but I didn't want anyone to "prayer over me". Then I explained that I was just there for the Tiffany windows.

A Christian literally said Trump is the best thing since Jesus. That God appointed him and God had plans for him to take back the USA to good Bible-fearing, prayer in school, 1950's morals.

Has anyone here been to one of those churches were people start speaking in tongues and sprinting up and down the church? Like in the film Borat. I would love to go and witness that and join in, it would be a great laugh.

R36 According to the bible she is not quite wrong.

The mother of a close friend of mine used to answer her phone by saying "Emily .....er, Praise the Lord". Every fucking time.

"This is just between you and I, remember that. If you tell your parents i touched you, I will have to kill them and you don't want that."

When I was a teen, a friend of my mom's- who'd been my babysitter as a baby- called my mom out of the blue. My mom handed me the phone with a funny look on her face, and the woman proceeded to tell me that the end of the world was coming. And she wanted to tell my sisters and I that she had a special bond with us and was praying for us all.

Mom later told me the husband had put her into a mental hospital for a while.

[quote]R95: Has anyone here been to one of those churches were people start speaking in tongues and sprinting up and down the church? Like in the film Borat. I would love to go and witness that and join in, it would be a great laugh.

No, it wouldn't, I promise you; you just think it would.

You know they lock the doors before the bullshit gets underway, right? I'm not kidding.

[quote]R96: R36 According to the bible she is not quite wrong.

R96, there's nothing in your linked flowchart that accommodates the extrabiblical beliefs of Catholicism, like Purgatory. It's crafted for evangelicals - note the mentions of 'the Rapture.'