Let's All Go To... The Datalounge Mall!!

I enjoy shopping at Victoria's Secret Porn Stash.

I love Sleaze Candies! Their chocolate cocks with chewy caramel foreskins are delicious! You can get them with or without nuts. Best of all, the cute young shop bottoms are so proud of their wares they are always giving out free samples!

The 2 warring Caftan shops. Naturally. The opposing owners standing outside in XL Caftans HISSING at each other all day every day is like music to my ears.

Leave it to the Datalounge Mall to have a shop that exclusively sells athletic supporters! They have hundreds of varieties, and the models let you feel the fabric and check the fit of the straps. Unfortunately, despite the large group changing-room, there's always a long line...

"Slappy's" for the best facials and skincare products under the sun.

Where else can you go these days for designer dialing pencils?

Sally Struther's Garden Shop, where we only serve the finest dirt.

You have to check out the "Straight Guys Who Really Dig the Homosex" Shop on the 2nd floor in the Macy's wing. A varied assortment of alcoholics and drug addicts will convince unwitting gay male shoppers they're 100% straight, but for the right price, will engage in all manner of sexual freaky-deaky-ness.

Not for the faint-hearted or anyone with an IQ over 75.

Bai Ling Roofing & Tiles

Abortion Hut - we had a whole thread on it.

Hot Dog on a Stick. *wink* You get a wang in a bun and yes, we wear short shorts with trap doors!

The only food court where every item comes covered in a tangy cream sauce.

I love going to ‘Smelling Cookies’. It’s fun to sit in the food court and watch all the closet cases sniffing the delicious smell of freshly baked cookies as they skulk by, heading for the Gents toilet cubicle with the glory hole.

What are you talking about, R13? At the Datalounge Mall ALL the cubicles have glory holes -Even the changing rooms!

It’s so delightful that every customer is addressed as “ma’am.”

The Father's Day sales were amazing. It seems half the town was there looking for something for daddy.

The lines are so long at the Cinnabon.

I am the Chess King, and I haven't changed a day since 1987!

Ada's Boots-The perfect shoe for cunt kicking.

Right next door is Felicia's Feathers, the specialty store for Joanne Worley wannabees.

The Tea House has the most beautiful ladyboy geishas. If you can afford it, the full sake and tea service is a superb evening.

This thread is exactly like the one in Datalounge Guatemala about moving to the US! How uncanny!

I'm the head of mall security. We are prepared to degrade you and your puny cocklet and piss on you through our hard-ons.

We're assuming that you're built like a shit brickhouse on steroids, with enormous pecs and fabulous delts, R22.

I just need to stop in at Popperama.

The interview for the valet parking attendants is very rigorous, and includes a bathing suit competition. But it's worth it, as attendants have their own lounge with privacy cubicles for when they have a client who needs a quick lie-down or back rub. These guys really earn their tips!

I was just asked by an Abercrombie employee if I’d like to work there. I blushed and laughed. I politely declined and said I already had a job. I told him I was 58, he was like “damn, I thought you were home from school”. Nah. Thank you, though.

The grand opening of “The Bottom Half” caused a lot of confusion.

"Where's the god damned adult diaper aisle?" is often heard shouted in DataLoungeMart.

I like "Gay Best Friend" where straight women can rent a randy gay sidekick for $275. an hour who will shower them with witticisms like "you're fat and boring. No wonder no one wants to date you" and the ever popular "tell it to someone who cares. :

Be sure to stop in and say hi to Ernestine, the receptionist in the main office. I hear she has a ton of gossip on Ginny in billing.

We love sexually harassing all the twinks who work at Let's Roll Cinnamon Rolls

Hoops? Chandeliers or Shoulder Dusters? The debate rages on at Zale’s.

Don't harass the employees at the Chinese takeout. They've heard "How do you like these egg rolls, Mr. Goldstone?" about 40,000 times.

Scott was impressed the way Michael could squeeze into a size 20 Husky Toughskin Jean. It really rolled back the years.

Velcro Haven…really doesn’t need an explanation, does it?

The Comfort Zone, for all things soothing and comforting, so important for delicate Eldergays

Does JC Penney sell fur coats, cigarette holders, and turbans?

"The Emotional Pet Stop" (a/k/a Miss Peanut's) One-stop shopping for needy pets and their even needier human companions.

"Pours for Poors" - Don't miss our popular PBR, Night Train and Thunderbird Happy Hour, (4pm 'til we sell out daily).

Yelp reviews are not very good due to the number of angered bridal shower guests who felt they were not welcomed like the queens and princesses they believed themselves to be. Management of the mall indicates that they don't give a shit.

Get gay-married while you still can at the Joyce Bulifant Wedding Chapel! It's on the south end, next to Lesbian Bed Death, Bathhouse and Beyoncé.

I'm the only food court on the planet that has a Dollar Store that only sells DS Pound Cakes! And there's always a group of caftan wearers clutching crumpled $1 bills lined up around the block waiting to get in.

R26 LMAO.

Please stop at the kiosk [bold]snâkpürs[/bold], for ladies' shoulder accessories with more pockets than you can even imagine.

My least favorite shop in the Mall is run by the Klan Grannies. They offer KKK uniforms and pitchforks reduced to $20 each.

There's a shop where you can adopt a rescue dog or cat and the line is always round the block.

Stop for a snack at Shitty Little Auntie Anne's Pretzels.

I am hanging out at the Fat Whores Food Court, cant find a seat, it's pretty busy. Maybe I will just have a corn dog on a stick.

I just walked boy Things Remembered, it' full of elder gays.

Meet you at Build-a-Bearly-Legal!

Went to Cracker Barrel. Had to fight off a whole mob of fat Fraus hogging the sausage weenies.

Take a stroll through Prisstoration Hardware, if only to hiss, "They call THAT Mid-Century?"

Shitty Little Auntie Anne’s has the best lemonade.

Grammar police slinking around murmuring oh dear oh dear oh dear. The murmurs go nicely with the two XL caftan queens hissing at each other.

Some might even call it symphonic.

Is Caftans R Us on the upper or lower level?

Headed over to the world largest tech store to get my first wireless phone. It's called Radio Shack.

Greg is drawing quiet a crowd demonstrating the latest mandoline slicer at the Williams Sonoma.

Upper level r54. Mall skylights are necessary to give the caftans proper consideration. The brilliant colors of our caftans don’t pop in artificial light. We often encourage our eldergays to try them on and take a brief spin out of the store under the skylights. The GASPS are plentiful when you see our caftans under the sunlight. But if you dare walk off in one of them without paying, we will tase you. And we won’t regret it.

R53 The hissing was made all the funnier of the two men in caftans because they were in the same design and looked like the two old women at the Ascot Gavotte in the sane gowns eyeing each other with monocles.

It's odd, but the mall has two record shops -one sells nothing by Madonna, while the other sells nothing but Madonna.

r10, The Datalounge Mall Abortion Hut was actually a big flop, becoming the first shop to close. Men Who Can Get Pregnant were the only customers and they didn't feel welcome there.

I just hope that THIS Christmas we won't have a repeat of last year's riot! A friend who was there said it started with two shop bottoms arguing over the in-store decorations, and rapidly spread throughout the entire building. Three fatalities and numerous others hospitalized with severe injuries. I think they should just stick to having a muscle-bear Santa with some hot twink elves and call it good.

Suzanne Somers signing autographed copies of her book "I Have Sex with Alan Three Times A Day AND Cured Cancer" on the Datalounge Mall Mezzanine!

When you go to a store that is specifically marketed to your age for upwardly mobile professional males except all the things they see are cheap Chinese crap rebranded with a new logo at 3 times the price you could get it at Walmart. It's called Sharper Image.

When you want your pasta drained head over to Kitchy Kitchy Bang Bang, right by the Abortion Hut. Well where it used to be.

The mall has two anchor stores on each end, a Macy's and Bullocks. No woman work on the floor dealing with the public, it's all male fem shop bottoms. Lesbians work the stock room and loading dock.

I am Victoria - I am the sole proprietor of the Victor / Victoria shop. For the Datalounge community as “VICTOR” my stories, my endless knowledge of Trivia, obscure song lyrics, tv theme songs, movies, Broadway, Summer Theatre Venues of the 60s and 70s, Cooking skills, Patty Duke’s Bi polar issues and the paternity mysteries of her son, sense of friendship and camaraderie keep my shop/cafe full from opening till close. Once I close I peel off my mustache and take off my fedora and let my hair down. When I am Victoria no one will stop in my shop. - I am shunned and told to go back to Curves or the Mug Cradling Shop. Then I get lonely and wander over to Williams Sonomas and pilfer samples from Greg. He takes the “Frau” sign off of my back. Gary Morton stuck it there. He told Lucy not to.

the Brandon Flynn store

Macy's is selling the new Janet Jackson plus-size athletic wear. The few customers with any interest in making a purchase can't get through the enormous crowd of queens making bitchy remarks about the display.

There's a new place in the food court called Proons 'n Cod. I don't know what it is but I might try it later.

I hear they're adding a third anchor — Blood Bath & Beyond. It has everything arguable for the home, yet still smells the same year after year.

The Hillshire Farms store is having a special on Red Dragon Cheese! Must dash!

I just go for the antique mall although it can get pretty hairy with Martha Stewart trying to nickel and dime the stall owners for bargains. Snoop carries her packages.

Just in: What (in)famous Hollywood director spends Saturday afternoons at the kiddie railroad ride?

Golden Grills has everything you need to entertain your gentleman callers with a BBQ dinner! No messy charcoal -- we sell only gas grills right-sized for your lanai.

I thought they had changed their name to Golden Girls to attract more business?

Have you tried the Vicious Face Slap kiosk? By the south exit so you can leave in a huff.

I'm Ye Olde VHS Rental Shoppe, where you can find all your favorite one season sitcoms that aired from 1977-1983.

I'm the Bonnie Franklin Wig Emporium! We're here to meet all of your ginger bob style wig needs!

I'm Orange Julian, an Orange Julius franchise owned by Julian Morris and Landon Ross

Isn’t this the mall where our infamous friends run a little bistro with a Salad Bar? I have been reading about it for years - “All You Can Eat” = “Autumn Harvest” - the lower priced option is “Once Around the Garden.” Are those young men still in business?

The glory holes are on the third floor men's room in Bloomingdale's.

Yes, thankfully! I probably shouldn't say this, R80, but you can pay for "Once Around the Garden" and actually go back for the "Autumn Harvest." No one will know!

Try it and I’ll give you such a pinch!

Be sure to stop by the "Move It Along, Toots" umbrella store before the next cloudburst.

It has an underground basement. That's were all the Trolls uh, I mean tech guys work. We dont know much about them, they stay in for days at a time, the delivery guy from McDonalds says it's dark and smelly, there are not spring chickens in there.

Is "Pooh Shoes" still in business or did they lose that lawsuit with Disney? Such an... interesting woman who runs that place.

The mall's cineplex has sixteen screens, all showing vintage 80s and 90s porn. The ushers are strict, and will not allow you to leave any messes on the seats or floors.

Does the food court have an Olive Garden?

Pooh Shoes merged with Shit Bras. The new name is Poo!

Pooh Shoes has been absorbed in a corporate takeover by Shitty Little Anne.

It's a shame that Burt died, but I'm glad his widow Letitia was able to take over his thriving business.

But I wish she hadn't changed the name to "Let's Bees."

I heard there was a branch of The Body Shop at the mall -but boy, was I surprised when I went there!

R66 steve is that you ?

Does Macy's sell celebrity fragrances like Still by Christopher Reeve and White Woman by Michael Jackson?

On Saturday mornings, in the upstairs posh Bullock’s Tea Room, Mrs. P Ramsey will be coaching and grooming our littlest Angels for this year’s round of “Toddlers and Tiaras” competition. Richard Simmons with coach our little ladies on diet and exercise. Tim Gunn will supervise elocution and table manners. …. The Estate of Don Loper will be taking measurements for crinolines and pastel dance dresses……...In the afternoon (for an additional fee) the young gentleman will join the young ladies for cotillion hosted by - directly from The Lawrence Welk Show - Bobby Burgess and LOF-Ly, Lof-ly CISSY KING!!

I've just seen Erna coming out of the toilets. I'd give it a minute.

That's why she was asking for silverware over in the food court R96...

I'm "Well Smell Her!" home of the world's most overpowering and cloying scents for men!

Choose from Aramis, Polo for Men, Paco Rabanne and Drakkar Noir among many other popular brands.

The men's rooms are insane!

I'm Forever 61, your one-stop shop for eldergay fast-fashion.

I'm Wayne Bryant, for the ... well ... Datalounger of size.

I'm Claire's.....but I sell bread pudding, not earrings

I'm "Hiss and Hearse" an early New Age shop designed to get Eldergays to "Chill The Fuck Out"

I love Helen Lawson's gently used Couture Collection except for the DNA stains on certain frocks. I asked Helen about discounting a dress that was stained and she yelled, "Hell, no. That was my elevator ride with Clark Gable."

The multi-plex has Woody Allen’s “Scenes From a Mall” on a loop. Discussing infidelities while picking out gifts is a favored DL pastime, it’s just that Bette does it better.

I am the very rich mirror vendor - I make an Absolute Killing supplying mirrors for the “OH God! Do these pants make me look FAT?” Store. …. It is located next to the defunct “Tova Borgnine Fragrance and Wig Imporium.”

Beware of the annoying clipboard-toting, petition-pushing pollsters meandering through the mall.

Asking you to answer a few brief questions, these trolls claim to be gathering signatures in support of reopening the cold case of missing vacationer Denny and his roller luggage. Actually, they are selling your information to ... I dare not say.

There's always a line at the small "Guess My Age" kiosk on the mezzanine. You step into a booth and an AI takes an image and guesses your age based on what you look like. You get a printout you can keep.

The AI isn't very good, though. It consistently says that people who are 69 look like 39. 55-year-olds are said to look 29. For some reason, though, the Eldergays flock to the little booth and leave happily clutching their printouts.

Has anyone been to Gym Jordan's sporting goods store? All they sell is jock straps and wrestling singlets

Watch out everyone. There’s a gaggle of eldergay mall walkers in the south wing and they do not make way for anyone. They mercilessly trampled a pod of twinks outside the movie theater.

They trampled them?? OMG! I thought it was an intergenerational orgy put on to advertise the new lube shop!

Be sure to pop in for a tipple at the only gay bar inside the DL Mall: Kings & Queens. It's owned by Hazel, a sixty year-old Disco-Era, African-American lesbian. . Hazel whips up some of the best rum cocktails, incorporating the mall's own Orange Julian as a base.

Discotheque vibe, dance floor, Beer Garden with hoops. Eldergays may apply for club discounts. Come one, come all.

R112: I wonder if she is the same Hazel who used to shoot pool with us at Julian's?

I'm the Sebastian Venable Travel Agency!

The go-to travel agency if you're famished for blondes!

Sudden thread death!

One question remains. Where do I buy a brand new shit bra to match my new caftan and pearls?

R116: Why, at "Jasmine Guy's Tiny Lawn" indoor yard sale, silly.

It's too bad the sushi place went out of business, but well. Only a tiny minority of dataloungers like the tuna.

Tell me, why doesn't the Abercrombie have a Big & Tall section?

Ever since my next-door neighbor's son Joel started working as a greeter there I want to help him out, but without anything all I can do there is spend time, uh, being supportive...

[quote]The Datalounge Mall Abortion Hut was actually a big flop, becoming the first shop to close. Men Who Can Get Pregnant were the only customers and they didn't feel welcome there.

For a while, the Asian lady boys used to try to make each other jealous by going to Abortion Hut and pretending they had gotten knocked-up by their boyfriends...

Afternoons at the Tea House while the Abortion Hut was still open:

Where Aranya? Her shift start 20 minutes ago?

She call out sick - she at Abortion Hut - her big American boyfriend got her pregnant again!

That's the 3rd time this month!

I'm Berry, Security Officer at Rainbow Drug. Nothing escapes my eagle eye.

I'm MoJo Fraufrock, Manager at D'Zining Womyn. We do haircuts (sorry, mullets and shags only) and sell clothes: bermuda shorts, Birkenstocks, polo shirts, tie-dye and flannel.

^ Do you have any Michfest T-shirts in a 6XL - my cat had a little of kittens on my last good one!

I'm Chuckie. I mop-up bodily fluids at Beds, Baths & Bondage. I'm not a gay, but the owners Adam & Steve were nice enough to hire me on for- get this- $9.70/hr. I'm blessed!

The Cradled Mug is now open! Purchase a pumpkin spice latte and get a free scone! 5% of all profits this weekend go to the National Fibromyalgia Association.

^the preceding post is a unauthorized and obviously a lie.

In the entertainment arcade, there's a line of karens shackled to the wall. You can throw wet sponges at them, while they demand to see the manager.

That's it! I'm coming to the mall now, R128!!!

Is it racist of me to ask if I can hire people of color to throw the wet sponges while I watch?

[quote]^the preceding post is a unauthorized and obviously a lie.—DL Mall Management

We, the sufferers, are staging a silent protest outside of the Mall Offices.

You will know us by our silent angry stares over the rims of our cradled mugs.

Much to the dismay of many Dataloungers, Bed Bath & Beyoncé is still in business. This is surprising, considering there’s a clear lack of any skilled or talented employees, and only cheap, tacky goods are on display.

Do we get to shriek, "Die, Karen, die!" as we throw the sponges? I feel that would be important.

You may shriek whatever you please.

You can hire whoever you like, R129. The Datalounge mall may be a vile pit of trollery, but we're inclusive to all non-Karens.

A rumor is going around that Joel, the beloved greeter at Abercrombie, has gotten in touch with a lawyer to sue the mall for not doing more to prevent being harassed by large groups of caftan-clad mall visitors congregating outside the store. As Executive Manager of Datalounge Mall, I would like it to be known that these rumors are false and that Joel will not be quitting his job. We've also learned that the Abercrombie's manager is responsible for this rumor, meant to drive these thirsty men from unblocking the entrance.

We apologize for any inconvenience this has caused.

Janet Jackson is opening a Lingerie store that's sure to be eye-popping!

R135, is that Joel as in "Don't tell my neighbor I'm working here" Joel?

r137 Yes! Joel came very highly recommended by his neighbor, who was very much a mentor to the boy in his formative years. EVERY store in the mall wants him as a greeter!

Someone needs to update the map at the entrance. It's missing 4 out of the 10 vintage lamp shops.

Im the Burger Inn restaurant in the south corner of the DL mall. We play Dynasty reruns on the tvs around the bar. We also offer “Fallon Fries" with every burger plate

Mall regulars are anxiously awaiting the announcement of what this year's Halloween costume contest will be. After exhausting such themes as "Come as your favorite Golden Girl!", "Design your own Sugarbaker girl!", and of course the legendary "Be Fran! Be Fine!", they went overboard with a Miss Havisham lookalike contest. It escalated into near disaster when someone showed up in perfect Martita Hunt drag then lit themselves on fire. No repeats of that near tragedy this year.

I'm afraid the Absolutely Fabulous-themed Sporting Goods store was one of the earliest to close.

Some stores just aren't a good fit for some motifs.

Jasmine Guy's new boutique, Don't You Forget About Me. Her shop is filled with amazing decor items for the gay men with discriminating taste.

Patsy & Adina's Duty-Free Liquor Emporium. A must for DL's alcoholic contingent.

Friday Drinkie-Poos anyone?

What level is the Blow Job hair salon on? I need my bob touched up. I also need my hair looked at.

[quote]I'm Berry, Security Officer at Rainbow Drug. Nothing escapes my eagle eye.

Betty will sending all shoplifters she's caught, to The Limited Vocabulary workshop on the 5th floor. It's a wonderful place, where these illiterate shoplifters can learn the basic aspects of decorum and English, then, it's on to another workshop where these thieves will be trained to find some sort of job. "Jobs or Jail!"is their motto.

The workshop is already overbooked, but it can accept a few more non-paying Walgreens 'customers'. Thanks Betty!!

R76–Does the Vicious Face Slap kiosk offer Punch and Delete service?

We've just installed a new map at the entrance. By request we've clearly marked where ALL the Men's rooms are, for easier access.

Get your fresh nuts at Glory Whole Foods, now open on Level 1.

I'm the diorama where you can leave senile eldergay friends/relatives while you're shopping. Displays include "Mineshaft '81" and "Central Park by Night".

I’m the Sbarro eatery. For fat whores only.

I'm assuming the mall is the location of the six-story flagship Datalounge Gift Shop.

Wrong, r152. That’s in a alternate dimension.

1984

OP i misread as Datalounge mail not mall and i got an excited! I'm fed up with Gmail 🙂😡

I am the DL Movie Theater, which does not show movies past the year 1947. Also, for your viewing pleasure during the daytime hours, we show endless reruns of The Golden Girls. Our name is "The Second Cumming". We are at a convenient location, just past the hissing caftan sellers. Don't worry. They don't bite...hard.

Wholes .... the store that sells all items for complete hole maintenance. Anal douches, bleaches, razors that won't cut your hole, etc.

[quote]The lines are so long at the Cinnabon.

I will CUT that bitch!

[quote]Not for the faint-hearted or anyone with an IQ over 75.

So ... Republicans only then?

I'm Helen Handbasket. Owned and managed by former Broadway Legend Helen Lawson. Every high-quality item (comparable to Longaberger) in the shop is delicately woven by Asian children in the mall basement. Customers are gifted with a large size Helenesque Parfum with every purchase.

I'm Tiffany, signing autographs for five bucks a pop or a carton of Pall Malls right next to the Sbarro in the food court.

#156, you can start your own version of Datalounge: FluidNonbinaryQueerLounge.com, and talk about child prodigy/master thespian Harry Styles all day long.

The Grease Shack is having a Valentine's Day sale! Every item is 30% off until Friday!

Please note: Due to unfortunate product demonstration incidents we have moved to an out parcel at the South entrance. This was by order of the Fire Marshall.