It's Helen Lawson's birthday today!

I wonder why they didn’t include any clips from her TV specials. Did CBS burn the tapes?

If only Helen could see Jean Smart in HACKS she would be sooooo envious right now....

She's currently touring in the Orient with, "The Sky's The Limit!".

I chiseled out "Happy Birthday" in cuneiform on a clay tablet, to make sure she'd be able to read it.

R1, technically I'm not sure the Department of Justice ever formally closed its investigation.

Would Helen be on Team Glenn? Or Team Meryl?

Because of Helen I learned (at the age of 12) that I like BBC. Thank you Helen.

Happy Birthday Miss Lawson...

I sent her a bottle of Jean Nate and a nice blouse.

[quote] I sent her a bottle of Jean Nate

That’ll offend her. She prefers her signature scent Helenesque.

"She can put her birthday present where her heart ought to be."

[quote] Did CBS burn the tapes?

No, but the EPA burned a few of them!

I still can't believe her antics on the set of Sesame Street.

Or The Muppet Show.

Or Hollywood Squares.

Or Real People......

[quote]She's currently touring in the Orient with, "The Sky's The Limit!".

And Pranting hel own tlee.

[quote] She's currently touring in the Orient

It's not hard work! I just sing and laugh, and if any of them ask me a question, I just sing-song "Ching! Chong!" Like I did on those USO tours in Vietnam!

merkin

She was an okay actress, but a [italic]lousy[/italic] singer! Happy birthday, c*nt.

So what if she ran over Toni Tennille in 1976.

It was just a moped and that toothy bug eyed nerd wouldn’t stop smiling.

Save your smiles for the stage, Bugs Bunny and leave a little Vaseline for the rest of us.

Helen was banned from ABC for a year - she ran over Toni after she did an episode of the Captain & Tennille's variety show. Toni's dancing was so bad she kept bumping into Helen and almost tripped her.

At the end of filming Helen lifted her skirt and said "Lick THIS muskrat, bitch!"

Yes, then Helen returned to ABC for a LOVE BOAT two-parter, only to get into a kerfuffle with Lauren "Julie McCoy" Tewes about a stolen bag of coke. And claims of sexually harrassing poor Ted "Isaac" Lange. The final straw was viciously slapping little Jill Whelan onscreen even though it was not scripted.

Aaron Spelling forbade Miss Lawson from any and all guest spots on LOVE BOAT, HOTEL, or FANTASY ISLAND. Helen's desperate efforts to audition for the roles of Alexis Carrington and Sable Colby were all for naught.

It was not until she appeared as Tilly, the elderly drunken prostitute with a heart of gold on TJ Hooker that Spelling and ABC lifted the ban. (The TJH crew was so fond of Helen that she was a recurring character on the final season.) Nonetheless, Helen has never been a guest in the Spelling Mansion. Rumor is that Candy blames Helen for contributing to her beloved Aaron's early death.

FUCK OFF CANDY, YOU HOMELY PEROXIDE GNOME!

Yeah, I fucked Aaron. And he LOVED it!

Poor Helen also thought she was on the shortlist to replace a departing Tanya Roberts on Season 7 of CHARLIE'S ANGELS....

Only to learn that the series had finally been canceled.

She tested for Hot Lips Houlihan in the original film MASH, only to lose out to "that slutty newcomer, Sally Kellerman."

"I always knew Bob Altman was a fag."

Whatever happened to her commemorative postage stamp? Did Trump cancel it because of their history?

My dad would’ve been 103 today!

I’m not giving Helen shit. She had my number cut from her show. She can put a bow on THAT.

I was gonna help granny with the candles but the flames drove me back.

About 10 years ago, Eric Carmen drunk-posted on Facebook that he wrote "Go All the Way" about a torrid encounter with La Belle Hélène backstage on the set of [italic]The Glen Campbell Goodtime Hour.[/italic]

Is it true she actually died blowing a hobo in a dumpster and not in her sleep at the Motion Picture Home?

I’m not dead, you cunt. You think I can’t smell you through the internet? Ladies and Gentlemen—Cher!

Helen, I'd put my money on G, not Cher. She's only got attrition now.

Hope you're well!

Helen, is your FBI file still active?

I mean, sorry, toots, but they should have NEVER asked you to help with the Bicentennial celebration.

You know anybody else blew three of the founding fathers, wiseacre?

That’ll teach you to call me Xylophone Teeth, you dripping bag!

We celebrate your birthday now, dear Helen…..

Hopefully, on the 4th of July, we will get to celebrate your independence from those 27 STDS that have ravaged your body since Christmas.

"Lady Godiva's Holiday" is still one of my favorites of Helen's films. The remake with Connie Francis, Paul Anka and Harvey Lembeck was a sad joke.

I stuck with the remake until Paul Lynde agreed to take Connie's place during the nude horseback ride down the Fort Lauderdale beach. When he started cackling as he stripped off, I switched to a Flying Nun rerun.

I don't know her.

Can someone remind me who she portrayed during her three week long stint on THE Guiding Light?

She played Tessie, a madam of Springfield's upscale bordello.

Let's just say she taught Bert Bauer how to.....tie a cherry stem with her tongue.

Let's also just say Charita Bauer's leg loss wasn't a skiing accident, either.

Pretty sure you're thinking of Sheree North, R40. Helen played Bert's estranged sister Lula Mae Miller, alias Pepita del Pargo, the owner of a chain of donkey shows in Tijuana. In one famously awkward scene, Lula Mae had to sit Bert down and explain that a donkey show wasn't a petting zoo.

R41 ***GASP***

Dearest Helen. One more trip around the sun! Goodness, how many is that now?

I'm sending an autographed copy of my latest and greatest to the last mailing address I have for you. You're still living in that van down by the river, correct?

Anne Welles has lost touch with Helen, but here she is serving up prime-time temptress realness.

Neely's next album will explore psychedelia. She's been gettin' heavy in the Haight this summer.

It might be a little too "tuned in and turned on" for Helen.

My most memorable Helen Lawson moment was a live taping of a Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour skit that never aired. For Cher's "Vamp" skit, Cher was playing Calamity Jane, while guest star Helen played her arch nemesis Riotous Rita.

While Cher stunned in her bodyhugging Bob Mackie designed, sequined cowgirl outfit, Helen was covered up in a shapeless riding cape. But somehow, the cape snagged on something unknown and snapped away at the neck. There before a live studio audience stood Miss Lawson in nothing but riding chaps and sheer black g-string that became invisible under the bright stage lights. The studio audience was aghast, and Helen was promptly booted off the CBS lot.

An angry Cher accused Helen of orchestrating the stunt, but Helen claimed it was an unfortunate mishap. Either way, Miss Lawson proved that day that she was a scamp, a camp, and [italic]a whole lot of tramp.[/italic]

It probably wasn't the best idea to sing "Virgin Means It Ain't Gonna Happen" during her Live from The Vatican special. Although after the ill-fated Helen Earth save-the-planet show I don't know why they'd let her near the place to begin with.

I recall her 2-part "Love Boat" episode in 1975 where she played high-powered modelling agent Lola Lavender, on board for a fashion show. Real-life models like Cheryl Tiegs and Barbara Carrera played themselves- with a cameo by Bill Blass. A flirtation arose between she and Capt. Stubing, but they were two ships passing in the night.

Helen was overheard lamenting, "Why do they always pair me with fags?" and Blass answered, "I heard he likes pussy".

[quote]Can someone remind me who she portrayed during her three weeklong stint on THE Guiding Light?

Springfield's BIGGEST WHORE that infected 64% of the men with crabs.

[quote]sheer black g-string that became invisible under the bright stage lights.

Considering that black absorbs light, how is this possible?

After I didn't get M*A*S*H I auditioned for POLICE WOMAN at NBC and thought I had it in the bag. (This lady knows her way around a pair of handcuffs and a big club, fellas.)

But they gave it to Angie Dickinson, that dumb twat. That broad's had more of the Rat Pack inside her than a dumpster outside a Chinese takeout.

Helen auditioned for a part in From Earth to the Moon. "I've had bigger between my legs, baby", she told the producers after they turned her down.

The Warhol still hangs over the mantle!

R51, if it's sheer and black, then light penetrates through and illuminates the skin.

And I think Helen had begun shaving her (considerable) bush at that point, in a vain attempt to appear younger. So EVERYTHING showed.

I can always depend on a Helen Lawson thread to help me when I feel like shit. Thanks, DL!

The very audacity for Helen to headline an after school special about STD's!

I mean, seriously? The crew used to call her Typhoid Hairy and Herpes Lawson for a reason!

She was LAPD's go to database for DNA. A who's who of Hollywood sloshing around in there.

R49, and don't forget that glorious episode of Fantasy Island where Helen, Lora Meredith, and Rita Shawn play faded and feuding movie queens who come to the island to relive their past stardom and shoot another picture that will put them back on the map.

Offscreen, Helen had hoped to rekindle a brief romance with series star, Ricardo Montalban, and aggressively pursued him, even turning up naked in his dressing room between scenes. The ultra-Catholic and married Ricardo spurned her advances and put security on alert. Undaunted, Helen turned her attentions towards Montalban's co-star Hervé Villachaize, who reciprocated and followed her around the set like a lost puppy.

I was a temp in Swifty Lazar's office and I can still hear her screaming down the phone when she figured out Sister Act wasn't girl on girl.

Has anyone seen Helen’s version of the Aristocrats? I heard the Department of Justice threatened the film’s producers with prison if they didn’t cut it and their lawyers said the Supreme Court would uphold the conviction 8-1. Clarence would like it.

[quote]The crew used to call her Typhoid Hairy and Herpes Lawson for a reason!

I came up with "Chlamydia Canyon" after the sloot gave Mistah Eddie's Fathah a raging case of the clap. Bill Bixby, God love him—lovely guy but couldn't keep his pecker in his pants to save his motherfuckin' life.

Speaking of "The Aristocrats"....

According to eyewitnesses, Miss Lawson was seen leaving Bob Saget's hotel room in Orlando, FL just hours before his body was found. An autopsy revealed the cause of death was blunt head trauma, and there were traces of cocaine and other substances in the room.

Susan Dey has yet to comment on social media.

Glorious to who R60? It was the lowest rated episode in show history!

I can't reveal my sources, but I have it good authority that Helen will star in the revival of "Mame" in 2023. Supposedly Scott Rudin or someone questioned whether she was right for the role, and Helen replied "Well, Angie (Angela Lansbury) is one and a half feet in the grave, and I could walk out on stage every night and take a dump and still be better than Lucy. That picture got done, so don't question ME, cupcake!"

Don't tell G but her dreams of the Sunset movie are about to get the full LuPone Experience.

Heard it from the horse's mouth over gin and pink lemonade in my tasteful, hydrangea drenched garden in Connecticut.

Oh, how we laughed.

I'm not surprised Helen Lawson was such a TOUGH BROAD considering she was born in Brooklyn.

Helen wanted to play Mama Rose, but she aged out, blaming "That KIKE" who bought the rights for herself.

R60 There was some messy business when Herve was going down on Helen and his entire head got stuck in Helen's cavernous cunt....

At parties, her punch line was: And I say, 'Hey, Lollipop Guild, can ya spot the plane in the dark?!'

It really bugs me that Helen’s never won a single award, except for that one given by GIs when she was touring with Bob Hope (or am I mistaken?) Say what you will, but she’s put in her time.

I do have a vague memory of a commercial Helen was in being nominated for a Clio, but I can’t even remember what it was for.

Do you mean Helen's long run as the Chesterfield Girl?

Or "Tru-Glo?"

No Gillian Girl, that Helen.

"If it weren't for Lux Soap, I'd smell like a 50-cent hooker on the Bowery!"

Stop with the Susan Hayward crap. I let her play me in one fucking film and now everyone thinks we’re the same person. I don’t see none off you cunts thinking Austin Butler IS Elvis.

At the Paley Center for Media in NYC you can watch the rare copy of the CBS broadcast of Helen's big expensive Broadway flop SPLENDID!, the 1965 musical stage version of "Love is a Many-Splendoured Thing" wherein she played Dr. Han Suyin.

R72, Miss Lawson nearly won the Sarah Siddons Award for Distinguished Achievement, but a certain Miss Channing reported her for impropriety, which got her disqualified. Apparently, she slept with the entire panel of judges, except the gay ones, but not without trying.

Helen, have they given you the monkeypox vaccine yet? After that chlamydia pandemic you started in the 70s you should have been jabbed for every virus known to man.

This whole thread makes me giggle 😄

If we lived in a different reality and Judy Garland had played the part of Helen Lawson ( as much as gay people WORSHIP her) I doubt there would be any threads on the dl about her Helen Lawson.

Well, Helen truly is a DL Icon.

[quote]r80 If we lived in a different reality and Judy Garland had played the part of Helen Lawson…

Judy would have won an OSCAR ! !

And “I’ll Plant My Own Tree” would be her new “Trolly Song” in concerts. (Adele would probably be covering it now.)

poor Judy looks rough there

And it's also Muriel's birthday.

Coincidence?

I don't think so.

If Judy had really played Helen Lawson we'd be talking about Helen Lawshnnnn instead of Lizsha.

Helen will be starring as "Beth" in a reimaginIng of "Little Woman" called "Large Cunts." Whoopi Goldberg , Bette Midler and Madonna will be rounding the quartet of March sisters.

Helen was slated to be Chairwoman of the National Endowment for the Arts in the second Trump Administration. Furious that she sucked Rudy Giuliani's cock for naught,it was she who instigated the January 6th insurrection.

"Endowment" is not the word I'd ever use in relation to Rudy G. Or to the Donald, for that matter.

You can take that to the bank, sister.

She MOLESTED me!

I loved her ABC Afterschool special "Mother, May I Sleep With Granny?" with Little Ricky Schroeder

Helen wore that red pantsuit on set one day when she flashed little Joey.

It's no coincidence that he only likes blue now.

[quote]That’ll offend her. She prefers her signature scent Helenesque.

It's "Hélènesque."

Fun Fact: One night at a swanky eatery, she shit in Arlene Dahl's wig after she caught Arlene making a play for Helen's main tube steak du jour, Fernando Llamas.

From that moment on, the eatery was known as the Brown Derby.

R93, How interesting. I heard she shat in Zsa Zsa Gabor's Helene Arpel pumps after Zsa Zsa stole her man, Porfiro Rubirosa. Poor Helen never got over Porfiro and would practically orgasm on the spot whenever she saw a pepper mill.

There’s a lot of shit connected to Helen - -

Did someone say lunch?

I STOLE that bitch's WIG!

oh her

I bet it was the Marbles!

I'm surprised Helen was never in a Waters film.

She sure made enough shit movies, I'm sure she might have eaten a turd or two on camera.

R100, Please. Helen Lawson was CLASS!

Does anyone happen to know if TCM is running *The Flying Fuchs*, given that Helen is Star of the Month? I always wish she'd been in more films in that series—I wonder why the studio didn't bring her back for the sequels.

Don’t fall for Helen’s trick of sayid she’ll provide a birthday cake. She basically covers her pussy in frosting and uses her red and inflamed clit as a candle.

“Who wants to blow out the candle before getting a big piece?” isn’t what you think it means when Helen is around, even at a child’s birthday party.

Yet, I still had a piece……

R102, Rumor has it that Helen was patient zero during the syphillis outbreak that took down practically the entire cast and crew, forcing shutdowns for several weeks. The producers were outraged at the escalating costs, deemed Helen a high risk, and banned her from future productions.

Are you a classic [italic]Helenesque[/italic]girl or are you a hip and modern [italic]Sparkle[/italic] type?

*[italic]Helenesque[/italic] girl

Only Helenesque gets rid of that awful mold and mildew!

^ And it goes with all your favorite mixers, from Coke to Clamato!

Personally, I’m still waiting on the memoir to be released. It’s been 35 years since it was announced! What’s the hold up?

R109 I need a pen, damnit!

And not one of those lousy Ballpoints!

"Does anyone happen to know if TCM is running *The Flying Fuchs*, given that Helen is Star of the Month? I always wish she'd been in more films in that series—I wonder why the studio didn't bring her back for the sequels."

R102, La Helen famously played Lottie "Lotta" Fuchs (the matriarch of the Fuchs family, aged 37, just like Helen) as well as her 14-year-old granddaughter Ivana in the 2017 sequel "20th Century Fuchs." I'm surprised you haven't seen it.

A couple of nights ago, while skimming The Criterion Channel, I found the previously unreleased NO FUCHS TO GIVE (1949), the only known copy of which was discovered in 2019, hidden in the ceiling of an abandoned Wavaho gas station in Toomsuba, Mississippi.

In this installment, Lotta's father, Moshe Fuchs (Cuddles Sakall), a.k.a. "Fat," pressures her to marry L. Heber Flake (Rory Calhoun), a fundamentalist Mormon billionaire. Flake has previously rejected all eight of Lotta's sisters as unsuitable.

Although the Fuchses are Hungarian-American Jews, Fat covets a merger between his discount chain, Fuchs Off, and Winslow's KCDG (Kolob's Celestial Dry Goods), a.k.a. "The Bloomingdales of Utah (Except We're Not Christ-Killers)."

The opening scene finds Fat berating his eldest daughter, Ymautta (Mary Wickes), for putting schmaltz in her Jell-O casserole ("Oy, she screws up JELL-O?") and starting a fistfight with three of Winslow's seven other wives.

Lotta and her Marshmallow Brisket Funeral Home Hot Dish—made from a buffalo she hunted and butchered herself—is her father's last best hope.

Leonard Maltin describes NO FUCHS TO GIVE as "[italic]Father of the Bride [/italic] meets Betty Hutton in a straitjacket." But in spite of a top-notch cast and a script by Preston Sturges (alias Moroni Teitelbaum), no studio at the time was going near a movie about polygamy.

Thanks, R111 and R112! I'll have to track those down. I'm a huge Cuddles Sakall fan! I bet his chemistry with Mary Wickes is off the charts.

That role should’ve been mine, R111