Let’s be things straight men do or don’t do to avoid being seen as “gay”

Talk about their feelings.

See the doctor when they're ill.

Care about their appearance.

See women as equal.

Sit next to each other in a movie theater.

Do or don't do leads to confusing responses.

Anyway I was going to say have sex with biological women!

Don't talk or even make eye contact at the urinals.

Claim their live-in lover is their personal assistant

Wash hands after urinating in a public toilet.

“You can’t fight in here. This is the war room!”

—Dr. Strangelove

[quote]Claim their live-in lover is their personal assistant

Mine is my roommate. Sometimes, I call him my brother.

Won't have sex with another guy while being filmed/taped.

Obsessively talk about sports to fill in the gaps so they don't talk about anything substantial or personal.

Keep a ridiculous game up of spatial distance and physical and verbal jabs so people don't confuse them and their friend as being a couple.

Vote Republican. (seriously - it's a fucking cult among straight men - particularly white men)

When asked about men they find attractive they invariably answer "George Clooney."

I'm the empty seat in the movie theater separating him from his male best friend.

ass play

I'm the condom that's carefully getting rolled on the two fingers that are going up his ass for a simultaneous prostate massage/blow job from a dude.

Avoid wearing mesh shirts and speedos (US).

Bump

Dance…

NEVER use the word Fabulous in a sentence.

Talk obsessively about stinkfish and what you would like to do with them.

I don’t wipe or clean my ass. That’s gay bro!

Only make out with guys and a little nipple play. Nothing below the waist.

I'm NECK BEARDS because caring about your appearance is "gay."

Virtually everyone has missed the point of “let’s be” in the title. Wake up, DLers.

I’m the superstrong handshake—the stronger the handshake the “straighter” it makes me feel.

Vote Democrat.

You are gay, you can't be straight, you are making up an imaginary version of straight men that live in your head.

this thread is pointless.

I am the bro handshake and hug (keeping hips from touching).

R28 is a stupid fag.

I'm the standard three-pats-on-the-back (ONLY three) when we're forced to, or crazy enough to sort of bro hug.

I'm the missed opportunity to ever stroll anywhere with a friend because my brethren will scream "fag" at us from their passing cars.

Something tells me R30 desperately lusting over straight guys, a beta fag!

Go shopping with a male friend.

bottoming in public

I'm the towel dance in the locker room so that the faggots can't see my junk.

Use any sort of regular nondescript bar soap or shower gel lest I be perceived as a big MARY!!

Only masc soap please.

Straight men look at you at though you have two heads if you refer to the bathroom as the "powder room" rather than the "john".

I am gay and would look at you as if you has two heads R37, unless you were saying it sarcastically.

The only guys who think about what might make them look gay are closet cases.

Other straight guys never give it a second thought

R39

Well, then, I lived in towns full of closeted gays, schools full of closeted gays, teachers that were closeted, and on and on...

Nah. Not so sure all the straight guys never give it a second thought.

You live in a small Flyoverstani town full of homophobes then R40

I have not witnessed guys giving it a second thought since high school.

And I sit one seat apart from friends in the movie theater too, if it's not crowded. It's much more comfortable.

Yes, only the nelliest maiden aunt would call a restroom a "powder room."

Refuse to order a bottle of wine to share in a restaurant .

Set Google history setting to "Clear history each time I exit google" 😂

R37- When you're in a restaurant and you have to take a leak- do you say to everyone at the table- I'll be right back I just need to FRESHEN UP.

Making sure their genital area is covered in locker rooms. Only gays show their junk.

[quote]I’m not showering regularly.

Obviously you haven't met this new crop of young gays where showering is only a suggestion.

Our only friends are men (aka str8 guys). We love being around them but when they spot a stinkfish and start talking incessantly what they would do with the stinkfish we get so ANNOYED!

smash fraus

Eat Macarons.

I brought them to a work potluck party and they looked perplexed.

Those things at R50 look like Whoopie Pies.

They're like tiny, expensive Whoopie Pies, R51. But minus the flavor.

Touch my friend when we're having a three-way with a woman.

I prefer Trampox. You can eliminate one of the Ps, and it rolls so much better off the tongue than slutpox.

They avoid SUCKING COCK and getting FUCKED UP THE ASS.

r55, not the straight guys I hook up with. In fact, one of my current FBs is a straight married guy with kids who turns into a screaming banshee when I fuck his ass. He tried to ignore me and pretend not to know me when I ran into him with the wifey and kids in Target a few Sundays ago, but that's a story for a different thread LOL.

R56- I'm not surprised. My remark was meant to be true but also sarcastic and humorous.

One would think or at least fantasize that the so called Married Straight Guy would be a TOTAL TOP with a gay guy.

r55, no, they don't I speak from experience

Fuck women

Straight married men make the best FBs, because they're traditionally masculine. It's not forced like it is for so many gay men, including, sadly, myself. One of my most memorable straight FBs was a sales rep who traveled to my area a lot. We hooked up so many times over the course of three years. He was your all-American jock type with a history of playing sports to back up the label. When we fucked, he would go on about how much he liked to fuck his wife's pussy and how she craved his thick cock. The sex talk was just so hot. Unfortunately, he decided to come out and give up female pussy, at which point I totally lost interest.

R60 is disgusting

^Hi frau.

^Hi degenerate

My straight friend won't use a drinking straw. He thinks men look gay puckering their lips. He's an idiot.

two men and 1 fish=homos

one man and two fish=str8

To not be seen as gay: They'll speak in the deepest voice possible, even if their pronunciation is less clear as a result, and possibly causing permanent damage to their vocal cords.

We know what you mean, Miss r60!

Many years ago we used to hook up with a tall handsome horse-hung airline captain when we lived on the Marina Peninsula in LA and were still married (barely) to our gorgeous horse-hung fourth husband.

Airline captain used to say things like "...if my wife ever found about this..." while we were servicing his massive sizemeat!

In New York, many men, particularly blacks and latinos, won't wear flip flops, because that's gay. If they wear sliders, it's ALWAYS with socks (unless they're using them indoors as slippers).

Drink from finger bowls.

BROing endlessly.

Recycle.

They will wear their sunglasses on their visors, upside down facing the back, or hanging off lanyards to look like every other golf-watching bro. They will not wear them on their heads or have one bow tucked into the neckline of their shirt, which are both gay.

Real straight men don't bring reusable shopping bags with them into the market! Only fags do that!

Straight dudes don't use coupons!!! Or gift certificates!

Only old women and upright men use coupons

Even though I'm gay, I think I know what makes straight men tick, and you're really off the mark with many of these.

Get a Raiders tat on the forehead

Or let's be things CLOSETED gay male celebrities do to avoid being seen as GAY

Get married to woman and BREED lots of kids- Like Matt Damon and his FAG boyfriend Ben Affleck.

op is gay bitter and lonely. haha!

[quote]Our only friends are men (aka str8 guys). We love being around them but when they spot a stinkfish and start talking incessantly what they would do with the stinkfish we get so ANNOYED!

What else did you expect them to talk about, Erna? Follies?

Bodega bro acting all FRAT BOY

Bro vs. Wade

Sit next to each other in a movie theater. They leave that extra seat between them. Wouldn't want anyone to assume they're a couple.

Wipe their arses.

That's a real issue, R84. They don't want to touch a male anus, not even their own. And, they're afraid their anus might like the stimulation if they wipe a little too hard.

Admit to watching and enjoying soap operas.

I'm the constant spitting on the ground while I'm walking outside, every 10 seconds or feet -- whichever come first -- or into a bathroom urinal when I'm done "taking a leak."

I’m the refusal to eat quiche.

I'm the constant repeating of the fact that I contracted HIV through a blood transfusion and not thru fag sex.

[quote]I’m the refusal to eat quiche.

I actually had a coworker who wanted to try quiche, but was convinced people would think he was gay if he did. I told him he should be more concerned about being perceived as gay because of his Golden Girls obsession.

I'd be more likely to not eat quiche because it's not still 1989.

I wear oversized baggy everything, from underwear to board shorts to shirts that hang down to my elbows and knees. All the European guys in the perfectly tailored everything look GAY.

I'm the kissing my girlfried or hugghing her when I see gay guys to let them know which way I swing.

I'm the MASC job that's supposed to impress for its sheer masculinity - finance, bizness, construction, cars, MILITARY.

I'm the nonstop flatulence.

I'm BRO or BROTHER when I talk to another man.

They don’t wear any shade of pink or anything floral.

Many years ago, a straight guy told me he would never go to dinner with another male lest they be assumed a couple.

They don't drink anything through a straw.

Why don't we just be ourselves and forget all this bullshit? Straight men bore the piss out of me generally speaking. I do like to swing on a straight dick now and again, but that's another thread.

No throw pillows.

Straight men LOVE lesbians, love them like crazy, and hate gay men

In fact no other group promoted homosexuality, it's female homosexuality but homosexuality nonetheless, than straight men, they're always trying to get their "girl" to be with other women, when a straight guy complains like a little bitch about having to o see pride flags in June, remind them of that

If I had a dollar Everytime I heard a straight guy say it's ok for women to be gay or bisexual but not men, I'd be rich, this mindset is ultimately whyale homosexuality will never become more accepted either

They always say "bro" or "man" when saying something nice to another guy. "I love you, bro". It seems to act as a sort of barrier to prevent too much intimacy or being too vulnerable towards another guy... as if to say "we're just mates, ok!".

Crossing legs at the knees.

Funny thread, but honestly if they go through such lengths to safe-guard the way their masculinity/sexuality is perceived, then there must be a compelling reason behind it.

The thing about people is that they routinely set an unnecessarily high bar for themselves. Then, they struggle with those expectations again and again. In the end they find that not only have they been played, but they facilitated being played themselves all along.

Saying it again: Humans. Fascinating in that they're so extraordinarily intelligent, yet so incredibly stupid at the same time.

Bump

They DON'T say "Gurl, puhleaase!" although they'd like to.

don't take dick up their asses or in their mouths

Fart proudly.

fight imaginary groomers in imaginary communal showers, while wearing blue nail polish