Ted Cruz: Gay Sex Icon

I bet it tastes like bacon and Round-Up.

Ted Cruz, Sex Bomb.

I just threw up a little on my laptop

[quote] Ted Cruz, Sex Bomb

NOT!

So YOU'RE that little whore in Cancun!

He looks like he’d smell like Spam and spoiled milk.

He looks like a fat Richard Speck. Hard pass.

I know this a joke, but some jokes aren’t funny. Getting railed by Ted Cruz damages the National psyche. Nobody should have to think about that, so shame on OP for planting the idea in our heads. And pray for Heidi Cruz for all that she’s had to endure. The bad breath, the BO, clambering on top of her like a gila monster scaling a rock. *shivers*

Oh Daddy

Everything looks better in black and white

Beefy

SPECS-appeal

I have seen many human persons, and Ted Cruz is one of them.

Hi Rafael

I just threw up next thing you will want that Turtle head

Ted Cruz is definitely a single human individual and not a collective entity.

He is actually butt ugly

He may be good in bed.

R18, that's so gross.

For all we know he eats pussy all night like a champ.

🤢🤢🤢🤮

I threw up on R20.

Slurp

Zaddy energies

Hot Gen X Zaddy

9" uncut

He’s singularly unattractive

There's an erotic novel about Ted Cruz, "A Cruzmas Carol."

From the Paris Review of Books: "The novel is a ninety-page depraved humiliation of Ted Cruz, a gem of surrealist political satire. After two terms in the Senate, Cruz has decided to forego public service for a more lucrative life on K Street. At his retirement party, he plans to bone his chief of staff, Roberta “Bob” Cratchit, but Roberta accidentally poisons him with an aphrodisiac oyster. In the bathroom, Karl Rove advises Cruz to “Grab power by the short and curlies … while America is still hard for your hole,” but when Cruz still refuses to run for president, Rove informs him that the ghostly Bathroom Attendants of Constitutionality Past, Present, and Future will soon teach him a lesson. As promised, the attendants whisk Cruz through a magical glory hole into debauched Republican fantasias (Roberta’s asthmatic son Tiny Timmy being “forced to give in to tyranny” by signing up for Obamacare) that convince Cruz that it’s his duty to run for president.

Not a single moment in this novel could possibly be described as arousing. The aphrodisiac oyster is a “sea booger” that is as “unhappy … in Ted’s belly as the poors were in federal housing.” Cruz greedily imagines “the invisible hands of power [stuffing] seven figures into the … pants pockets that bulged now on either side of his immense and thickening manhood.” Noonan writes of Cruz’s “member of Congress,” his “Washington monument,” his “little chief of staff,” his “Richard Milhous ‘Tricky Dick’ Nixon,” and “a lovely dark bush like amber waves of grain.” Our thirty-sixth president (a known pervert himself) receives special attention: at one point Cruz’s “johnson had softened, like President Johnson on the poor,” and at another, “his President Johnson hardened with utmost urgency, as did President Johnson after the Gulf of Tonkin incident.”

I hear he wears nylon bikini briefs. That has to be worth something.

He makes me want to vomit

Totes Adorbs!