Hard to wipe clean

Of course. Kill yourself.

Shitty thread, btw

Aaron, you should know by now that DL isn't going to assist you with your brown coin slot.

get a fucking bidet

OP, you think you have it bad?

Pull the sharpie out of your ass?

OP, you're not suppose to start wiping until you're done dropping the kids off at the pool.

Get a bidet attachment for your toilet seat.

Wet wipes.

Therapy for your scat obsession.

Stick your ass out of the sun roof and go through the car wash.

Trim the hairs around your asshole.

Buy a Squatty Potty

Take fiber gummies (at least five per day) with at least two liters of water per day

A loofah sponge and a bucket of warm sudsy water.

Do you have a dog?

Metamucil

What R14 said. Fiber! They’ll be lining up to eat your meticulously clean hole. Well, maybe. Don’t want to overpromise.

r13 lmaoooo

Best way to do it.

Eat some fruit or a vegetable once in a while, you FAT WHORE!

Douche,, but sparingly though. You don’t want to kill all the natural bacteria either.

Get a shower head with a handheld part, and put the powerwasher-blast setting on. Rinse it all down the drain.

[quote]Rinse it all down the drain.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

You think you have problems...

Do you have a lighter?

Don't use - or overuse, if you must - wet wipes. They end up irritating the asshole something fierce. I've been there. And, after a certain age, some things don't heal the way they used to. You've been warned.

A doctor friend recommended [bold]Balneol.[/bold] Easy to get in your local pharmacy or from Amazon. Excellent. Cleans [italic]and[/italic] moisturizes!

You'll thank me.

Diet diet diet

Just remember... a healthy hole is a happy hole!

Why do so many gays have trouble with hole maintenance?

It sounds like you make big doo doos!

A good 15 minute sitz bath does the trick.

OP, does your rear itch a lot?

You eat too much. That's why all the poo is up there.

I wonder if OP suffers from chronic constipation and/or hemorrhoids.

Yes, eat more fiber and eat fewer processed food that are high in fat and sodium.

Drink more water.

Pressure washer.

I've found this gentleman to be a lifesaver.

I can't imagine using almost a whole roll of toilet paper in one sitting

Fiber* is a hole's best friend!

*whole grain fiber is better at cleaning you out than vegetable fiber.

r37 I thought a hard cock was a horny hole's best friend

R38: Maybe hard cock is a hole's random acquaintance? Just one out of hundreds.

Erna?

Is there a fluffy kitten nearby?

OP, please don't present hole until this situation is... um... rectified.

Take a big wad of TP and dampen it. Add a little soap, then blot your crack thoroughly. Dampen another wad and blot to rinse. Use dry TP to remove any lingering debris and dampness.

You'll feel fresh as a daisy down there.

I have this problem whenever I eat chocolate and not enough fiber. I wipe, and I wipe and I wipe. Then I wipe some more and some more. Then again more and more and more and more. It takes me forever to get clean so I try to avoid this situation.

Another vote for Metamucil. Take a big serving - 2 tablespoons in 12 oz of water twice a day. It will change your life. Besides making you regular and everything easy to pass it also encapsulates the grease ad makes wiping up a very minimal process.

I hope you light a match after poo pee doos.

Water Water Water

Ask for government assistance.

Cockgobbler is the you?

Yes. Wash. Loose weight, fatty.

*lose

I live alone so don't use toilet paper. I use my hand, then wash with hot or warm water and soap at the adjacent sink.

Yes, gross, but I usually feel rather clean that way.

I am American, in case you are wondering.

Wow you sound legitimately gross. Hopefully you're single and stay that way

Doo doos are messy.

R52: since you live alone, I assume that’s a shower near your toilet.

Why not just jump into the shower and give it a thorough cleaning, instead of just using your hand?

R52 please tell me you are joking! Poop is very toxic and you’re better off not touching it at all. Even though you wash your hands it never gets all the little bacteria off.

OP, did you get your hole clean?

Billions of people clean their butts with hand and water.

OP, just scoot your butt on the carpet like a dog.

Itchy Bottom OP!

Listerine, dumb bitch! Your hole CAN gargle, you know! Geez!

OP, make sure to keep your hole dry after washing

I think the OP might have an anal yeast infection

It's called the never ending wipe. Too much fatty food in your diet

You GO NOW!

You spend all day here at buffet! You go FOUR TIME! You no eat VEGETABLE!

[quote] Poop is very toxic and you’re better off not touching it at all. Even though you wash your hands it never gets all the little bacteria off.

PRISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

OP, do you spend your days at the Golden Corral all-you-can-eat buffet?

I love making doo doos!!!!!!!

Diarrhea is gross, but it's the easiest to wipe.

I find the best clean comes from wiping with a dead fetus, if you come by the clinic just after 5, you can get one or two. One fetus will last you a week if you use it right.

^ Dafuq?!!

OP, you simply remove your underwear, step into the bathtub, knerl and back your caboose up to the running hottish water and was with soap and a designated butt rag. Towel dry, and blast the following music:

Offer Pon more than Chrissy’s paying.

He’s handy with a brush.

Spray some Raid up your hole. It'll keep the bugs out.

OP, when life deals you lemons, then you make lemonade! I think Helen Lawson has a suggestion for you....

Highly recommended.

...and extra savings if you gift wrap!

Present hole and let the darphur orphan have a male you stingy bitch

Clean that hole! Clean that hole!

Ring the bell.

My mussy stays clean as a whistle!

I used to use those wet wipe things but they usually irritate my very delicate hole. What I do now is only buy Charmin Strong and if I see that I will need more than a couple of wipes, I run the water put some on the tp and wipe a few times until it's pretty clean. Then I put a strip of dry tp between my ass cheeks and squeeze to dry them. I flush everything away and wash my hands. This method usually works and I also use it for times when I am too lazy to take a shower and want to make sure my privates are clean before bed. I would do a more detailed cleaning in the shower if I was sexually active but I'm not. Obviously this is only practical to do at home where you have the strong tp ( the other's turn to pulp when you wet them) and a water tap handy. I avoid public toilets unless absolutely necessary and do what I can to clean and take a shower asap.

r80 “Then I put a strip of dry tp between my ass cheeks and squeeze to dry them.”

Wiping your ass doubles as your Kegel exercises!

Eat three cups of Activia yogurt, and put some Grape Nuts in it. You'll be shitting like a motherfucker in about 30 minutes. Your asshole will be spraying that shit like a fire hose.

[quote]I just used 2/3 of a roll paper and it is still not clean. Any advice ?

A good general rule is that if you aren’t clean after 3-4 wipes, you need to get your ass (no pun intended) into the shower.

I made a big doo doo in the shower and my maid Helga had to clean it up.

Wash up in the shower

I had some 5 bean salad yesterday at a picnic and by last night I was farting like crazy and had loose stools. Had to wash my ass in the shower.

Use a bumstick for the reach around. You can find it in the Fatties aisle in friendly colors at you local Wal-Mart OP.

Both of my toilets are within arm's reach of a water source. I wet the TP and wipe. It's the only way I feel clean. I'm kind of fanatical about not getting up until the TP comes out completely clean.

OP is my spirit animal.

My friend Carol would like to know if you ate corn…

My third husband left me without a word in the middle of the night. I never saw or heard from him again until six years later when I was having a difficult stool and out he popped. He was dead, of course. But at least I know he didn't leave me for some ugly transvestite with too much money and time on her hands.

OP has a haunted asshole

R24 is right. Wet wipes can indeed irritate the asshole in a way that can take MONTHS to heal.

Balneol is the shit, but it's hard to find unless you order on Amazon.

Also, wet wipes are killer on local sewer systems. Stop fucking up our infrastructure!

Agree with R32. Even small external hemorrhoids can squish together creating folds that retain fecal matter. Wet wipes help clean between the folds, but retention of fecal matter will persist until the hemorrhoids are removed.

BTW, disregard what the label says. Wet wipes are not safe to flush down the average toilet found in most homes.

First, WASH YOUR ASS after every shit. Take a wet rag and clean your ass!

Second, Do a warm water douche regularly!

Third, As others have said, get a bidet. They're cheap and easy to install. Then schedule your shits at home!

Fourth, Use wet wipes if you are out in public and need to shit. I don't understand why men don't just stick a couple in their wallet.

[quote]Take a big wad of TP and dampen it. Add a little soap, then blot your crack thoroughly. Dampen another wad and blot to rinse. Use dry TP to remove any lingering debris and dampness.

Bet you get a lot of funny looks when you do this in front of the sink at work.

OP has a Poop Knife at home.

Does anyone clean using Witch Hazel?

I'm guessing op has a prolapsed anus - give or take 3 inches out.

Regular use of Metamucil is the answer: you’ll have clean pinch-offs every time.

OP, we need an update!

I heard the OP was developing a crust around his hole

A relatively cheap option is to get yourself a portable bum gun!

Call the fire department and ask them to shoot a fire hose at your ass. You'll probably have to tip them.

I feel yucky and a sense of regret after stepping into this thread.

OP, do you scratch your hole and then smell your fingers?

[quote] I live alone so don't use toilet paper. I use my hand, then wash with hot or warm water and soap at the adjacent sink.

Are you Afghani-American, R52?

Anyone use "Pure for Men" Stay Ready fiber? Supposedly 3 pills, twice a day, of their proprietary Vegan formula and one can "Bottom With Confidence!"

Some of the reviews I read were from women who said they enjoyed it so much, they were going to explore anal sex now to see what the fuss was about. I'm not sure I'm >that< impressed, but am curious what others think.

Dulcolax. Things come out fast and smooth.

Pour some Drano up your ass. It will unclog things.

[quote]Anyone use "Pure for Men" Stay Ready fiber? Supposedly 3 pills, twice a day, of their proprietary Vegan formula and one can "Bottom With Confidence!" Some of the reviews I read were from women who said they enjoyed it so much, they were going to explore anal sex now to see what the fuss was about. I'm not sure I'm >that< impressed, but am curious what others think.

"Proprietary formula"? Gurrrrrrl please. It's vastly overpriced psyllium husk. Just buy that.

Do you still have shit in your feces hole?🧐

OP keeps Charmin in business

I use Pure. For me, it helps with digestion issues and it works better than psyllium husk and knockoffs (pure ship for men). The poops are cleaner but more importantly I don’t get the stomach pain I get with just husk.

So is Pure not just psyllium husk as R111 says?

I ordered it because I was away from home and in the end, it was cheaper per unit to have shipped to me than Metamucil or the CVS brand I normally take. But I'm not stupid... my p-d-doops have not been as clean or orderly as mine on my usual routine. I upped the dosage from the comments section's 2Xpills X 2 daily to 3Xpills X 2daily on the label with mildly better output.

I get to go home tomorrow after 10 days away... can't wait for the regularity of my old routine.

Can you imagine Gabby Sidibe wiping her gaping maw of an ass crack! Yuck. No doubt she uses the largest roll of paper towels for that.

Just eat vegetables! You will lose weight AND won't have to eat sawdust to keep from hosing the bowl down after your morning gelatinous floating squirtbomb of rancid Arby's aftermath.

R87 I have one that doubles as a selfie stick!

I think that means you're leaking. Have you been checked for intestinal parasites? Better do it soon!

Doo doos leaked out of me today. It wasn’t pretty.

Metamucil and Chia seeds I find helps

Anyone ever have a light, watery discharge lasting a few hours after a bowel movement? Couple of sheets of toiler paper absorb it, but it's still disconcerting.

My ass itches at night

Wtf are you eating??? Eat some fiber ffs

I eat burgers and fries. Diarrhea ensues.

r122 no I don't leak after, you may want to seek a doctor

mine does feel dry and irritated sometimes, any good bussy moisturizers out there?

Never, ever, bear down

R120 Your Mussy should not leak after you finish and clean yourself properly. Go get checked!

OP needs to walk into the next car wash PRONTO.

OP, just throw in the towel and start wearing Depends

r127 I have a feeling DL'ers holes have endured way more abuse

r131 You'll find more prolapsed holes on DL than you'll find at a proctologists' convention.

😂 😂 😂 @ R132

Jesus, you foul old queens have some rotten poopers!

Is this what we have to look forward to in middle age? Or is it just bottoms who end up with assholes as busted and fetid as their minds and mouths?

Doo doos leak out of me everyday. Yes, I wear depends.

We are always squeaky clean inside and out 'down there' because one never knows when love will come knocking!

Does anyone else have gastritis of the bowels?

R136 aka Erna:

As for that, there's no need to worry in your case.

Get a fucking sitz bath. Fill with warm water and sit.

As Bobbie Adler said in the Wlii & Grace episode Low’s in the Mid 80’s, Part 1: Always light a match after poo pee doos!

Learn how to clean your bussy correctly.

Just ask Ms Jasmine Masters.

Simple.

R134, is a foul human

I’ve always said the haunted anus is a real thing. Sage your busted donut 🕳 OP

R142 OMFG that black dude is so right. He knows his shit.