Let's be a Hallmark Channel movie

I'm Lacey Chabert's five year contract, guaranteeing me "leading lady" status on the network.

I’m all the life problems magically solved by falling in love with my country suitor and moving to a small town without a cellphone signal.

I’m the middle school theatre department level of acting employed by all the leads.

I'm the only available cozy little "inn" in town, because all the others are sold out.

Thereby forcing the two of us to be trapped together for the duration of the show.

I'm the romantic town "festival" or "carnival" that just happens to be held when the female lead is visiting the town.

I'm the homely female best friend who is forced to listen to all the romantic problems of the self-centered female lead.

I'm the fybromyalgic frauen viewers who gobble this shit up all year long and finger themselves silly when they start playing Christmas movies in October.

It's always preceded by a post on Facebook about how they can't wait to finally wear their warm sweaters and chunky-heeled boots and thank God for pumpkin spice YUMMY-ness!

[quote] I'm the fybromyalgic frauen viewers who gobble this shit up all year long and finger themselves silly when they start playing Christmas movies in October.

You don't have to wait until October anymore.

I'm watching "Moonlight in Vermont" on Hallmark today.

In April.

It seems that they're playing Christmas and Fall movies all year now.

I'm the lead actress with the eating disorder, which is the only real reason they hired me. I'm also in the sponsored commercials, where I hawk Lean Cuisine and other imbalanced snacks for fellow fatties.

[quote]It seems that they're playing Christmas and Fall movies all year now.

Dear Lord in Heaven!

Finger, finger, finger, finger,finger, finger, finger,finger, finger, finger,finger, finger, finger, finger, finger, finger,finger, finger, finger, finger, finger, finger, finger, finger, finger, finger, finger, finger, finger... achoo! *giggle *

I'm the autumn leaves. By the times Christmas rolls around, all problems in the plot will be solved.

I'm the gay Canadian actors portraying the heterosexual hunks in these movies!

I'm the large , perfectly appointed house apparently decorated by Crate & Barrel even though you never see the lead actress at work. When you do, everyone is very nice, to her and yet there could be a problem boss or a co-worker, who is usually cute and understanding and much more interesting than the leading lady . Unfortunately, she's just there to solicit laughs, and might be plump or quirky. Because, god forbid. There's a coffee shop in town run by the world's nicest woman in a spotless white apron and a bunch of garden gnomes who magically came to life.

Damn, it almost sounds formulaic.

Do they still do the cute/meet, then the happy, romantic times followed by the misunderstanding leading to the breakup followed by the happily-ever-after reunion?

R6, you are the sassy gay nextdoor neighbor that the writers gave all the best one liners to and the producers cast it female and dumbed down the lines, but we know

[quote]Do they still do the cute/meet, then the happy, romantic times followed by the misunderstanding leading to the breakup followed by the happily-ever-after reunion?

Oooh, that one sounds good, I'll have to look for that one!

I’m Trevor Donovan trying desperately to act heterosexual…well, trying desperately to act, period.

I'm the poor, overworked Honey Bucket attendee, who pleads with the Crafts services people to please change out their outdated, lunch spread offerings.

I'm the four or five beautiful but entirely dull men falling over each other to romance the dim-witted heroine, who in real life would get nowhere with any of them.

I'm the lead actress that you can't quite place. I was probably on a soap opera or a popular show on the 90s

I'm Main Street in this quaint town that's the setting for this movie. I've got a coffee shop, a Post Office, a hardware store, a florist shop, and a cozy diner. Except for the Post Office, all of these shops are owner-operated and local. (No Starbucks or Home Depots in this town.)

There are all kinds of single, handsome strangers walking the streets. All of us handsome strangers are new to the town. We've been burned (but not too badly) before. The right girl can pull us out of our shells and make us feel trust again.

I'm a gay actor like Julian Morris or Luke McFarlane in the lead. Hallmark is cool with gays, as long as they're pretending to be straight!

Lol R12!

That's completely accurate.

I googled "Hallmark Channel male actors," and this list popped up:

[quote]1 Andrew W Walker. Andrew William Walker is the full name of Andrew W Walker, was a Canadian Actor and film Producer. ...

[quote] 2 Brennan Elliott.

[quote] 3 Luke Macfarlane. ...

[quote] 4 Brett Dalton.

[quote] 5 Daniel Lissing.

[quote] 6 Ryan Paevey.

[quote] 7 Samuel Page.

[quote] 8 Trevor Donovan.

MARY!

I’m Daniel Lissing! My PR makes sure to plant stories on DL to fool everyone into thinking that I’m straight!

5 Hallmark Hunks to sweep you off your feet!

No wonder the fraus are fingering themselves into a frenzy!!!!

You can also add Chad Michael Murray and Mario Lopez to the list, as well.

I’m the fake snow glistening in the hot July sun. Because trees and shrubs are always green in December 🙄

I'm the smarmy rich guy she left behind in New York who's cheating on her a la Sam Wainwright in "It's a Wonderful Life."

Just so the writers can virtue-signal that he would not have been good for her even if she did leave him for a country boy.

I'm the African-American mentor figure in the country town.

Mentor only. In no way, would a man of my color be considered for the leading man.

I'm the attempt at a gay-themed Hallmark movie, that got killed by the network.

Thanks, Million Moms!

Make America Straight Again!

MASA!

I’m CODA

I’m the danger words “oot” and “aboot” that instantly reveal the second lead is not an innocent, god-fearing football playing hunk from Kansas but a wannabe thespian from Toronto or Winnipeg.

I'm the small, independent bookstore operated by a saintly middle-aged woman. The entire stock appears to be about 25 outward facing books, and a few shelves of Readers Digest condensed books. Although there's no way I could possibly be a successful business, I'm actually the thriving hub of downtown.

We’re Alicia Witt and Candace Cameron. We may be getting long in the tooth but we’ll still be making these canned romances when we’re in our 80s.

I'm the cheerful, gum-snapping waitress who blurts out Bible verses.

I'm the one "no-name" ambulance or fire truck that gets used in all these ficticious locations.

I'm the bumping into each other on Main Street by the romantic leads.

I’m the female lead who’s not quite as attractive as one would help. Of course my love interest is someone who is completely out of my league.

[quote] I’m the female lead who’s not quite as attractive as one would hope. Of course my love interest is someone who is completely out of my league.

Here you go, R37.

I'm the Disney-esque small town in a middle of nowhere devoid of obesity, drug addiction and economic troubles. I'm also miraculously diverse.

I'm Kathy Lee Gifford trying to be ultra WASPY but failing.

I’m Candace Cameron Bure. I’m 84. No leading gay man can resist me.

I'm Lacey Chabert, having inked a multi multi million dollar deal extension with Hallmark to do another 100 movies per year until i'm 50. I'm the Queen of Hallmark just like my sister Neve Campbell on Party of 5 is the the Queen of Horror. We're both from Party of 5 and KILLING HOLLYWOOD TOGETHER. How you doing Jennifer Love? Oh right, you're the 5th star on 911. What's up Matthew Fox? Oh right. We run this.

Also, I could be any gay man in Toronto or Vancouver, since that's the only leading men who get cast in these movies. Literally.

I'm the on-set Botox rep. I haven't had a day off in years.

I’m the Canadian actor flying up to Vancouver to film another shitty role for Hallmark, thus keeping my work visa and citizenship active. I have three lines in the school gym at a christmas play.

[quote] I'm the attempt at a gay-themed Hallmark movie, that got killed by the network.

To be fair, The Christmas House did so well in 2020, it got a sequel in 2021. There was gay kissing!

It's funny I've heard the Hallmark channel and Lifetime referred to as the cramp channel. The whole plot line is bad man, very bad man and finally good guy.

To be fair, you can't really blame Hallmark for hiring Ryan Paevey.

He's hot!

What's his sexuality?

I'm the single mom struggling with a child, who immediately takes a liking to the handsome stranger she just met.

He happily accepts the responsibility, and they live happily ever after!

Forget Lacey Chabert.

Check out how many Hallmark Channel movies Ryan Paevey made!

I'm the big party someone throws where about one hundred people show up, only three of whom ever talk to the leads,.

It's funny how the moral puritans at the Hallmark Channel don't want any gay movies, but the single mom sluts with with children out of wedlock and no father in the picture, are A-OK with them.

I’m one of the small town’s young, single, wanna-be married, would-be fraus.

We don’t notice, or ignore, the local, hot, heterosexual, widowed or single older brother man who is raising a cute child or young child sibling.

He’s conveniently available, therefore, to the high-powered, big- city female executive stranded in our town.

And, we’re totally fine with it and help to eliminate obstacles to their true love.

I'm the oversized teacup.

My heroine loves to hold me with both hands and leach my heat.

I'm the perky, smart-ass daughter of the single hunk who was tragically widowed.

Our heroine will fall in love with me, as she did my dad. What fun times we will have together, our ready-made family!

I'm Candace Cameron, making sure the gay crew members stay 5 feet away from me

I'm the female lead pulling her hair back into a ponytail and putting on an Eddie Bauer flannel shirt to show everyone she means business when she volunteers to help paint the orphanage, repair the homeless shelter, and/or plant a garden at the church, yet rarely breaks a sweat or gets her hands dirty.

I'm the eight decorated Christmas trees all around the house. Doesn't everyone have a tree in every available spot?

I'm the formerly hot actress from a 70s/80's television show (Jacklyn Smith, Heather Locklear, etc...) that now has to play the lead character's mom.

I'm the B-list cable/streaming stars who will be doing these in 4 years

I’m one of five rotating scripts.

Haha R61.

Pretty much.

I'm the over decorated straight guy's apartment.

I'm also overflowing with Christmas decorations from the 1st of December.

I'm the token black character. They usually pair me up with some other third-tier character just to give the film a B-plot.

I'm gay director David DeCoteau. I mostly direct awful homoerotic cheapie "horror" movies with hot guys in sexy underwear but never fully naked. I have branched out into making Hallmark dreck because it pays more and all the lead male actors are gayer than a Hallmark Christmas movie.

I'm the small town festival competition where the sweet lead actress has to compete against the male lead's uppity girlfriend. He will eventually leave the current frau when he sees how charming the new to town frau is.

I'm the summer themed Hallmark movie that gives an excuse for the hot male lead to take off his shirt. You're welcome.

I'm the rare Hallmark movie with a male lead that is just mediocre looking.

My ratings are low.

I'm the heroine's ex-boyfriend.

I'm bad news, but we can't show that I used to smack the bitch around.

This isn't Lifetime, people.

I'm the cancer that claimed the life of the male or female lead leaving him/her a single struggling working class parent.

Meant to say, claimed the life of the wife/husband of the lead

I’m the hot chocolate they all drink from a holder that is clearly empty.

I'm the 50,000 Christmas trees lavishly decorated in every corner, even though the lead actress is there to save us from imminent bankruptcy.

I’m the broken down old sleigh the interior decorator heroine finds in an old barn on the rich hero’s estate and fixes up and paints in red and green.

I'm Candice Cameron BURE, last name always emphasized because i'm a woman of GOD and ALWAYS DEVOTED MOTHER TO MY KIDS. Also i'm the 6th least important woman to matter to the execs at Hallmark. Allison Sweeney stole my roles.

I’m the old caftan queens who clearly watch this awful shit since they know all of the tropes.

Dude you can watch one and be all caught up in like 1 movie, it's all the same shit R76 no caftan needed. Literally one movie and change the token gay friend for the token black and vice versa. Same shit. It's not hard to follow the tropes after 1 movie.

I'm the event/situation that led the lead female to leave town years earlier. I am alluded to but only bits and pieces.

I'm the gazebo that has been used for multiple productions.

Yes, R79!

I never thought about it until you mentioned it.

I'm the repackaged 1950s morality.

I'm the little Scottie dog that belongs to the heroine.

You will never catch me licking my balls.

Does Brendan Penny go up into the man? He has the voice of a 10 year old gay boy.

I'm the sweater, jacket and coat that all male leads wear 24 hours a day. No skin below the neck is EVER shown in a Hallmark movie.

I'm the sense that J Crew catalogs still adorn every coffee table. Maybe from 1993.

I'm the saintly middle-aged woman who runs that small, independent bookstore. The leading lady comes in by mistake and I see that she is upset. I offer her some tea and a scone and we sit and chat and I find out all about her life. Of course, I have perfect advice for her and encourage her to love the man who pursues her. He turns out to be my son who has come home for Christmas! We're a Happy Family!

I'm the male lead having sex with one of the male extras, in my trailer on set.

I'm Marilu Henner having a change of heart and deciding to stop clamjamming my daughter 20 minutes before the ending.

I'm the neighborhood where everyone knows everyone (and no one locks their door.)

I'm the local restaurant that always has a fireplace.

I'm the wine.

I’m the cookie decorating competition

I'm the preponderance of commercials for Weight Watchers and Vagisil.

I am a castle in the middle of Nowhereville "America".

I will be used as a plot point for the last male heir of some unknown lineage stumbling upon the "perfect" wife.

I'm the decade-old hair style.

I'm the magic bottle of chardonnay that is always being drunk yet never empties.

I'm the embarrassingly frumpy look of the heroine caught by surprise by the hunky next door neighbor. Oversized bathroom, disheveled hair, and yet I look like I belong on a movie set.