Introducing The Datalounge News Network (DNN)!

David Tyler Muir is the lead anchor of course.

It’ll have a 24 hour Golden Girls feed in the right hand corner in a small square so eldergays will never have to watch two channels at a time.

We got the weathergurl:

Morning Show? Who’s up in the mornings?

Old DLers, their enlarged prostates nudging up against last night's bladder full of beer and cum - that's who's up in the mornings!

And that cum? Yep, 20 year old twinks who shot loads down daddy's throat!

From our sister affiliate IAMNOTALLAMA,

2:07am - 2:45 am. That’s Fascinating!

Chase Crawford leads meandering discussions with ill-informed well-toned friends on topics such as pirates who explored the sea, the history of wrestling, and well known fireworks displays.

Definitely a tasteful friends real estate segment.

Thomas Roberts anchors the 8PM hour. "The Prime Slot With Thomas Roberts."

Brunch with Britney and Late Night with Lohan.

Rob Marciano does weekend weather. And presents hole.

BREAKING NEWS: Princess Diana is dead.

She reportedly died from injuries sustained in a car accident in Paris.

The WIMBBST would have a 30 min conspiracy segment at 3am every Sunday night.

Perhaps, r12, but IYDKYDK.

Gio Benitez hosts a popular "Lifestyle, Bitches!" segment, flying off to fabulous places and having three-ways with lumpy old men in caftans.

The daily "Adopt-A-Thot with Blanche Deveraux" segment spotlights a handsome, toned, muscular, dewy, supple, juicy, well-endowed young Instahoe in need of a good home.

Helen Lawson hosts the mildly popular "Broadway by ME, Baby!" show on Friday nights at 7:30. New productions, turkeys, exclusive interviews, vintage performances by Helen, gossip and SHADE with the legend herself!

Nicolas Fairford will host his own afternoon "Tea Time" show at 3:30.

He will serve A-list celebrity guests tea and baked goods and chat about books, decorating, travel, etc. Recipes available at dnn.com.

Once or twice a week he will host a "View Your Deal" type segment where he sells meticulously curated items.

^ and Nicolas will allow male guests to fingerbang his hungry bussy after the show in his dressing room

Business Report would focus heavily on whether the company or owners/CEOs have made donations to "incompatible" causes or politicians.

“Financially Anal, Sis”

with Barron Hilton II

“So Tab overpayed for a mediocre Farsky at Shari’s auction, but it matches the bolsters and he gets miles as long as he pays with the personal card”

“After break, we’ll look at my deductions for turd-shaped topiary”

Sapphic Saturdays with financial advice from Suze Orman, car maintenance/repair tips from Deborah Leslie Chesterton, a reality segment on relocating sponsored by U-Haul, etc.

“What’s My Fine/Crime?” with Fred Armisen

Each week Fred talks with a different has-been celebrity who is on some sort of PR redemption journey.

While refusing to accept any responsibility for their actions, each guest discusses pitfalls and missteps that lead to discovery, public humiliation, and loss of income.

Greg Dutra can be our Man to gauge the barometric pressure of Momma's Mussy.

What about DL favorite Andy Cohen? Someone please come up with a slot for him.

Compelling local news every 15 minutes hosted by Gladys Kravitz.

The Jake Tapper fan gurls will probably demand that he have a time slot. Despite being a mediocre journalist.

Cooking and Crafting with Iola. With frequent crossovers with Nicolas Fairford.

[quote]Nicolas Fairford will host his own afternoon "Tea Time" show at 3:30.

[quote]What about DL favorite Andy Cohen? Someone please come up with a slot for him.

We could combine these two for "Morning Tea with Andy & Nick," a gossip and lifestyle morning show. With the requisite news and weather segments, natch.

Also, for some added credibility as a news network, I feel like it would behoove DNN to poach some legit-news on-air talent like Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow.

Can we make an exception for Tony Dokoupil?

Perhaps DNN's legal department should get to work immediately on a Waiver form for these types of special circumstances.

Perhaps Tony could be a co-host on the panel of DNN's version of The View called The Stance. He will tick the hetero box.

Who will be joining Tony on the diverse panel of The Stance? Suggestions?

^^ How about Margaret Cho or Rosie O'Donnell, R29?

Gayle King is on board as the hard-hitting investigative journalist. Any 99 year olds who die can be sure that she will investigate the cause of death.

[quote]What about DL favorite Andy Cohen? Someone please come up with a slot for him.

We will be following Andy Cohen’s slot replacement surgery. His prolapsed coin purse will be exenterated and replaced by a nice, tight coin slot that was generously provided by a meth-overdosing bartender/donor from WWHL who had a hot ass but couldn’t live forever.

"Andy Cohen in the Nursery" doesn't really sound promising but he insists America wants to see him as a Daddy.

“Today on Culinary Corner, we’ll be investigating the ever-increasing racial and gender bigotry associated with the long-standing tradition known as ‘Once Around the Garden’ and how not all trays are actually considered equal.

But first, Draining Your Pasta - to rinse or not to rinse, that is the question!

Our resident grease fire stoker, zombie Richard Pryor is standing by as the ghost of Vivian Vance mans the phone lines.”

Andy Cohen has already left his originally planned show and instead will co-host "Parenting with Anderson and Andy." Kevin Spacey will replace him and "Kevin Spacey in the Nursery" will air only after midnight in selected markets.

And now, an up-to-the-minute forecast from DNN weathergurl, Bruceilla…’Cilla?

“Thanks, David —gee, your voice is getting to be as deep as mine, heh heh heh.”

But not as deep as that plunging neckline, gurl. Yowza!… Oh, I’m getting word from the sound booth that my comment just now may have been sexually inappropriate, and disrespectful to women.

“Oh, don’t sweat the small stuff, Dave, what am I, Anita Hill?! it’s actually in my contract that male colleagues sexually harass me on a daily basis so that I can feel like a Nat-u-ral Woman.”

Good to know, and glad to be a supporter-slash-oppressor, ‘Cilla!

“Gurl Power, David!”

Gurl Power, indeed, Bruceilla — so what’s the weather like out there?

“Well Dave, It’s Raining Men…AGAIN!”

The gods must be crazy, ‘Cilla.

“They’d have to be - just look at me!”

Hard Pass,, Bruceilla — I just ate!

“Oh, Dave - you’re such a kidder.”

Would that I were, ‘Cilla.

The 10-11 AM hour with Tony Doukupil, with his "mother"-in-law Zoe doing the Climate and Environment 'beat.'

Three easy recipes to let your neighbors know you hate then - Tonight, on cooking with Greg!

[quote]The 10-11 AM hour with Tony Doukupil, with his "mother"-in-law Zoe doing the Climate and Environment 'beat.'

Feets queens will thrill to Tony wearing his favorite smelly sneakers in every episode!

Boiled eggs and beer, r38?

Off topic, but Tony is now in Poland reporting from the Ukraine border. He was interviewing Ukrainian refugees this morning.

"Children Ruin Everything" hosted by Mrs. Patsy Ramsey, formerly of Boulder, CO. Tonight at 11:30, Patsy shares cocktails and vicious remarks about children with people who have been on planes, gone to movies, or eaten in restaurants. Find out who they pick as "Worst Goddamn Brat" of the week.

We'll give Kathie Lee her own show, just so can laugh at her.

^we.

"Well, Hello!"

This exclusive DNN reality show follows the dewy star Brendad Ickson as she walks her Target cart, filled with all her gowns and portraits of herself, on red carpets past refrigerator boxes in underpasses throughout dodgy neighborhoods (which she will tell viewers is "Beverly Hills"). Various street people will pop up, pretending to be the Bells, adding drama and hilariously get reactions from our addled, paranoid star. Tonight's guest: Marc Cherry, who will drive by in a Bentley, put down the window, and yell: "Brenda, I need you on my new show" before speeding away. Variety says, "'Well, Hello!' will make you revisit your opinions about how crazy Norma Desmond and Anna Nicole Smith were!" Join us, won't you?

I am concerned with the set decor.

"The Prophetess Juanita 'Jazz Hands' Bynum Hour of Power"

DNN's own Prophetess takes calls and gives fortunes, all for only [each night's market value] bitcoin/minute.

Find out if you will find true love--or die in a grease fire. All for a relatively modest fee.

Girls, get your feet hot for the sooth of Prophetess Juanita! Weekdays at 5.

Is the DNN just celebrity and lifestyle programming? Like HLN?

Shitty Little Anne will anchor the health segments.

Never get to the bottom of the story with “Todd of Vaguebook Reports”

“I’ve never been more disappointed in humanity.”

"The Fattest Whore in the World"

DNN's new Reality TV competition. Watch enormous blobs of human-like creatures elbow each other and trample to death competitors when troughs are filled with sheet cakes, Twinkies, fried chicken, pizzas, and donuts. Watch as the obese contestants scream in delirious delight as biscuit, bacon, and gravy buffets are unveiled, knowing that only one of them can waddle all the way to the table--and that they only have five bullets. Thursdays at dinner time.

Is this a news network or isn’t it?

You Queens can propose any schedule you want, but BEARKING NEWS! Has the final say.

We need Anderson and David Muir to be involved. And Thomas Roberts.

"Dead To Me"

Nightly obits. Find out who is unexpectedly in Heaven and who is deservedly in Hell.

[quote]Is this a news network or isn’t it?

My intention was a DL *news* network but, as is the case with many a DL thread, it hasn't quite turned out the way I thought it would.

"Bitch Fucked Up Her Face!"

Each night a panel of Over-60-year-old bitches will howl with laughter and talk over guest plastic surgeons as each pic of a celebrity over 30 pops up.

I'm the ticker tape at the bottom of the screen running nonstop. Other networks give you world news updates, entertainment updates, stock market updates. This says one thing, and one thing only, "ALL CAFTANS! ALL THE TIME! DNN! MARY! (brought to you by Muriel. The bitch, not the cigarette)"

Advertisers to include Dollar Tree pound cakes, the McRib, and Lane Bryant.

"Instagram Whore Shopping"

DNN's answer to the Home Shopping Network. Each evening a new Ista hooker with present hole as callers bid on an evening, weekend, or life with said mercenary, well-toned prostitute. No judgment--no refunds.

That hot model guy from Price is Right will be standing behind the anchor (clad only in a Speedo) pointing to relevant graphics on the green screen.

Culinary Delights with Max/Mary. A cooking segment featuring simple recipes from Nana's Hollywood Hills block parties. First up, Mrs. Moe Howard's tuna casserole.

'Triggered more than Tied-Up' is a great weekly "mental health" program geared toward gurls who might get a bit tense, Yoga practice, sound-therapy, inspiring reads, light aerobics, French films, and discount web sites for benzos, among the plethora of topics. All aimed at getting the blood pressure DOWN and something else UP!

A variety of hosts, depending on the topic and the sobriety of the scheduled host. Saturdays at 7.

Is there a slot available for River's Royal Updates?

I'd say get Chrissy Metz to do the weather but she would take up the whole screen. Unless maybe they told her to wear green all the time and she just points to herself while giving the daily forecast.

Metz will do fine. TV has been widescreen for several years now since HD came in.

Afternoon Lineup;

1:00 - Gays of our Lives

2:00 - As the Gurl Twirls

3:00 - One Load to Give

We will not call them "news anchors", we'll call them "panelists".

One Special that will pop up at various times is "I Never Found Him Funny!" A panel of jaded queens will assemble via Zoom to discuss a recently departed famous comedian.

"We interrupt breaking news of the assassination to bring you a rerun of the 'Golden Girls'"

“What Is It, you Cuntface Maria?” with Marriette Hartley taking calls from customers complaining about mini blinds and mattresses.

Don't forget the weekly 'In Memoriam' segment for the late great Chris Burrous!

WPIX's Dan Mannarino, a 13 time Emmy winning anchor, delights us with his fave gay bar picks.

[quote] Perhaps Tony could be a co-host on the panel of DNN's version of The View called The Stance.

The Wide Stance!

Also featuring Jon Hamm.

[quote] That hot model guy from Price is Right will be standing behind the anchor (clad only in a Speedo) pointing to relevant graphics on the green screen.

What part of him will be pointing?

David Tyler Muir but only if he uses his gay voice!

Wrong R3. The weather will be presented by that Hot NY1 guy from his bedroom using certain props. It’s usually cloudy.

Every news will be BEARKING.

There we will be a special segment “Present Hole”. On wide screen.

Up next, Mrs Patsy Ramsey reveals her secret parenting tips that viewers might be interested in trying at home.

Breaking fire dept. news, usually a house fully engorged, with Rhoda Young.

From midnight to four am will be "Bea Benaderet's New Year's Eve pot luck." Raise a glass and a deviled egg with Bea and the gang as they celebrate 365 days a year.

Sponsored by...

Please feature Senator Chris Murphy!

Hummers with Bill Hemmer in the 8 o'cock slot.

What's his latest, R64?

Brought to you by Caftans R Us!

"Picking the Perfect Top At An Even More Perfect Price" hosted by Senator Lindsey Graham. Rated MA. Tonight's guest sex worker, "Kyle" of Insta and FansOnly fame. Watch as the Senator scores--and then scores the talent.

Who will be the advertisers on this network?

Will it be big three network type advertising or mesothelioma channel type advertising?

[italic]Lady Colin Cunts Around:[/italic] The lovably irascible, ambiguously gendered royal-watcher offers her ill-tempered takes on everything from current events to the pros and cons of draining pasta.

On constant rotation: Mike Lindell for his new LGBT+ line: "MyPillowBiter."

Sportsball! with Joel.

[quote] Up next, Mrs Patsy Ramsey reveals her secret parenting tips that viewers might be interested in trying at home.

From the Basement: Patsy's Parenting Pointers!

The Farm Report with Carol Channing.

Today's crops are corn and raspberries.

At Home with the Hammaconda - on DNN and HGTV!

DNN Proudly Presents "The Feldog Chronicles." Corey Feldman is joined by other 70s and 80s child actors who talk in general about bad things that happened "back in the day." Just as they are about to name names Corey and his Angels do something they call "a performance." Unintentional hilarity ensues. A special side game involves counting the times Feldman mentions Corey Haim.

*****BREAKING*****

THIS JUST IN! THREE GAY MEN WERE ARRESTED AFTER ATTACKING A WOMAN IN CENTRAL PARK! APPARENTLY, TWO OF THE MEN HELD THE WOMAN DOWN AS THE THIRD MAN STYLED HER HAIR!! FILM AT 11!

"Lesbianism MOST Foul!" Bonnie Mace hosts salacious reenactments of her finger-banging sapphic encounters. Tonight: "The tale of the country singing star hick by the dumpster and her leaky lady ham." 10 PM Not Suitable For Male Homosexuals

"The Hot Guy News" Review of today's news stories where hot hunks murdered people--or did other trivial things for which handsome young men must always be forgiven. Hosted by Momma, who will rate each felon on her "Momma's Mussy's Moistness" scale.

Bonnie Franklin delivers the news! It'll be edited current news commentary with old clips of braless Bonnie from One Day at a Time. The Barbara slap clip will be obligatory for when some politician says/does something stupid.

According to Variety, DNN's "Bonnie Franklin Delivers the News!" has a new showrunner and will be rebranded as "Bonnie Franklin Tap Dances the News!"

I thought Bonnie's segment would be called "Hold Me, David."

And of course Glenn Scarpelli will be reading the teleprompter when "Bonnie Franklin Delivers the News!"

TL; DR

You do know that DL was once a full-service site with gay related news sections. Politics, health care, travel, entertainment, can't remember what else. I found this site looking for HIV related info because I was concerned for a friend. This was back in 1998 - maybe even 1997.

[quote]Wrong [R3]. The weather will be presented by that Hot NY1 guy from his bedroom using certain props. It’s usually cloudy.

The WeatherGurl Giant Cockroach Phobic guy can be the morning weatherman! [bold]Everyone knows all news networks, and even local news shows, have more than one weather person! [/bold]

"Derailing Threads!" A quarrelsome gameshow where obsessive borderline-personality contestants disrupt interesting adults conversing about relevant topics with wild accusations or trolling and listing all the other comments the other person supposedly made on other gameshows without any proof whatsoever. They parry tedious accusations until the stable adults give up talking about the topic at hand and the entire show is canceled before the commercial break.

Hi, I'm Che Diaz. Whatcha got for me?

r107 cab fare to Lipstick A l l e y, toots

[quote]You do know that DL was once a full-service site

I do! I remember those years fondly.

But back to DNN -- we still need anchors for sports, science & technology, and finance.

NEW TO DNN: "Long Derision" Hunky young, naked men with 10-13-inch penises parade in front of a panel of old, catty queens who hiss at them with remarks like "It must be cold in this studio" and "Do we have a tiara for Princess Tinymeat?" and "I need my opera glasses to see THAT!"

On Weeknights, Watch the New "Snatch Game."

A panel of sublebrity judges are blindfolded and must open a series of doors, behind which are various piles of things, like rotting fishheads and abattoir offal left in the sun for a week. The panelists must then guess behind which door was Cheryl.

DNN will also have a morning call in show like C-SPAN's Washington Journal, called Datalounge Journal. It will be hosted by Albert from The Birdcage, who routinely gets hysterical when taking calls because he doesn't know how to work the calling software.

And of course Albert uses a pencil to dial the phone.

[quote]DNN will also have a morning call-in show like C-SPAN's Washington Journal

PROGRAMMING NOTE: This "morning show" airs at 12:30 PM, when its demos' hangovers have somewhat subsided.

R49, could Rafalca do a pet health segment with Shitty Little Anne?

"The DNN Presents This Week's Sports News."

Broadcast weekly on Saturday mornings, 5:29-5:30.

"All Creatures Great and Small" hosted by famed veterinarian and drag queen Abba Twar. On tonight's show, Abba will inspect the teeth of Sarah Jessica Parker. Viewers can call in votes to determine if the guest is given a sugar cube, an apple, or turned into glue. Join us, won't you?

Richard Quest will be commenting live from the Ramble on current plane disasters .

In the tradition of PBS' "The Jazzy Vegetarian," DNN will feature "The Horny Carnivore," and oh how the viewers tune in to watch him beat his meat!

Russ-hour hosted by Boris and Svetlana

R119 hahahahahaa

Crossfire with Madonna and Janet Jackson

Six people were killed today when a manical driver mowed them down like that one fat bitch

trashwoman:"it was the trans! it was the trans!"

make up artist:"shut up terf and go shave your mustache."

Short haired White Womanist Newscaster: "TERFS are neither feminists nor radical. Oh, sorry, I'll be quiet now."

Big Dick, Perky Butt, Male Newscaster you once caught a cam show of: "Now that all these stupid cunts have shut the fuck up. We go to our frau correspondent on the scene"

Frau: Thank you, you low rent cocksucker. When I first got on the scene it was a horror scene like no other, blood was everywhere and medics were trying to wrestle away a victim's intestines from a pack of stray dogs and several homeless men. I was horrified, just horrifed, I was ready to sue this station, the network and everybody on it for the sheer trauma, pain and suffering I endured by having to witness this scene. I was until I noticed this ((she scrunches to the ground and lift's up the leg of a victim)) motherfucking bitch was wearing white shoes after labour day. WHITE SHOES. I put up with a lot from you America, A LOT. You fucked over my entire family ancestry, you've all acted like little bitches when let this country fall to ruin because you fudgepacking, limp wristed, mincing poof prancers couldn't get over your hangups, get your shit together and vote for a woman! But if I saw this bitch here, I would have taken out even more people, I would go door to door, and kill everyone of you dumb bitch that I saw doing shit like this. Do YOU HEAR ME? DO YOU DADDYFUCKING HEAR ME?

"Exhumation & Bone Toss" Tonight's guest is Rush Limbaugh.

[quote]On Weeknights, Watch the New "Snatch Game."

Um, new?

R124 New, in the sense that it will actually be funny, Ru.

I've always dreamed of being a news anchor.

And the camera adding ten pounds wouldn't be a problem.

"The Impossible Challenge" Each night, a panel of people younger than 60 are shown pictures of Connie Francis and played songs by her. They are offered $10,000,000 and an all-expenses-paid weekend at a HoJo's Motel recreation if they can identify her. For ten seasons, nobody ever wins.

Our world renowned weather team at your service.

Announcing our new afternoon talk show, Cocktails with Sue Simmons

The FUCK are you talking about R129?

A Men on Film revamp: Two Snaps and a Twist hosted by Blaine and Antoine

Science Report, in which gay actor Paul Zaloom will reprise his Beakman's World titular role.

On tonight's "Point/Counterpoint" we have a panel of seven gays discussing the topic of "Can a gay man have an erection caused by a woman". Other topics for future shows are "Are trans women really women", "Putin vs. Hitler, who was the worst?", and the topic "Pasta -should it be strained, drained, rinsed, or just flushed down the toilet".

Shippers!

The latest imaginary affairs—all the juicy details!

Tonight—Froy’s mom liked a post on Richard’s brother’s Insta!