Things You Learn After 50

I love this idea for a thread. 46 years old here, so sitting with a bag of popcorn eagerly awaiting some more sage advice.

Find a decent tailor and shoe repair. Inspect new shoes with the eye to be able to resole and polish them easily, avoid intricate embossing or fancy patterns that attract dirt, multi colors etc. Spend a bit more buying shoes if you stand all day. Never buy shoes in the morning or early afternoon as your feet swell over the day.

Your body shape shifts as you age. When you find a pair of pants that fit you perfectly- buy three pair because this kind of luck doesn’t happen as often.

If you get ingrown arm/leg hairs/abscesses, go up a size, avoid tight clothing and switch poly fabrics to 100% cotton. Pre apply Gold Bond spray.

Are you a shoe salesman R2?

What do you mean by "validation" OP? (It's a word many people define differently, so just curious as to how you define it and why you feel it needs to be eliminated.)

A diminished libido is surprisingly liberating. At first I considered TRT but then came to the realisation I enjoyed that the the monkey was off my back. I now have all that extra time that doesn’t consume my thoughts to do other things. I set a reminder to regularly wank to keep the plumbing in order. Lol.

There are times you need to reassess your need for validation. When you’re young, it’s all about beauty. As you age, you want to garner respect and seniority at a job or own your own company.

The pandemic changed all of this.

Cheap dress shoes ruin easily in the rain. Any pair north of $200 should be able to withstand a rainy afternoon. Nike, Cole Haan, and others use recycled materials that degrade quicker now, so if you want a pair that lasts you need to spend on quality OR be able to resole them easily.

[quote] I set a reminder to regularly wank to keep the plumbing in order.

There's my gurl!!

Never forget to ask a business if they offer an AARP discount. Including your local bathhouse.

Skim milk is bullshit. Whole milk is life.

Everything is better with butter.

Buy business class airline tickets.

Get a good night's sleep and the world is a happier place.

You can appreciate a handsome face and or perfect ass without coveting it. Sometimes.

An esthetician told me this... whatever bad habits you have - smoking, excess eating or drinking, financial mistakes, etc - you need to eliminate them at 50, because you still have time to turn things around.

If you're older, you can't afford to be a slob if you want to be treated with respect. That means grooming, hygiene, dental care, clothes and accessories. Quality classic clothes will go a long way.

This is a little hard to articulate, but you have to train people to treat you with respect. Stand up for yourself. Don't be a Karen, but don't let people get away with discounting or diminishing you.

Weed out toxic people and people who don't add any value. Cultivate stable friendships with people you can count on.

If you stand to inherit family assets in the not too distant future, don't alienate them unnecessarily.

The extent I worry, or fear, others are judging or criticizing me is in direct proportion to how I have done the same thing to others. "Projection" I think they call that. There is something to that.

We're not on others minds as much as we think we are.

Better for me to want what I have, then have what I want.

As a recovering addict, that last one has been especially helpful.

You're very wise, r10

Cook pork thoroughly and wash your vegetables.

Low, low, low lighting

I think as you grow old validation kind of disappears.

[quote]Weed out toxic people and people who don't add any value.

This x100. One can waste so much time and energy ignoring or being distracted from middling red flags - 'being nice' - till the big one is waved, and there's no way back. Try always to go with your best instincts soon as possible.

Everything in moderation. Including moderation.

Welcome to your 50s. Hopefully you used sunscreen and stopped smoking a long time ago! Vitamin c serum in the am and a lactic acid (good genes) alternated with a retin a daily, continue sunscreen every day. Lose the weight now and keep it up, better for your health and you can invest in a few nice pieces for your wardrobe.

Cut booze to the minimum, have a little pot (edibles, tincture, vape) if you need to unwind. Stop doomscrolling and don’t let criticism get to you.

Find what makes you happy/fulfilled (gardening, woodworking, pickleball, quilting, puzzles whatever ) besides your work.

Get a youth spy: niece, nephew, friend in their 20s-30s to keep you up to date on tech and cultural trends.

I’m 52 luckily in good health with a partner whose company I enjoy, I consider myself extremely lucky and I’m grateful every day.

R15 X 1000000000000000 katrillion

You start slowing down fast.

Cut out the sugar.

You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, well, you might find, you get what you need. - Jagger & Richards

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make. - Lennon & McCartney

I'm glad I found a partner who loves me as I am for almost 25 years, because I did smoke, snorted whatever was around (never meth!) and stay out all night, and I don't look good anymore. It's wonderful to not feel like I have to be decorative anymore. And even more wonderful to have memories of FUN.

Your body needs to MOVE. Gotta keep those joints moving and muscles strong.

[quote]And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.

Well I've taken at lot more in the end than I've given in the end.

But I still think it's good advice.

Try to enjoy life, it's quality not quantity. I have so many old relatives who took care of their health and now have dementia and are living in an expensive limbo in care comes or assisted living. Be prepared for your parent's illness and eventual death. My mom died a terrible death when I was 55 and I may as well have been 5 years old, I was so distraught and 3 years later have still not recovered from it. If you have a lover, your sex life probably ended in your late 40's, if you still have it enjoy it, not everyone can or does; usually one of both get some sort of sexual dysfunction and it ruins the sex life. Sometimes people just lose interest in sex and even intimacy. Have separate bedrooms if you do have a partner, or at least have another sleeping space that you can go to in the middle of the night to escape: snoring, farting, sleep apnea equipment noise. Make sure to have 2 sets of pill boxes one for morning pills one for night pills, few people get to old age without having to be on some sort of medications.

"Maybe I can get away with it just this once" (i.e., do something risky, eat something bad for you, trust someone questionable, etc.) doesn't work anymore (if it ever did).

"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."

- Oscar Wilde

This makes me chuckle because, at least for me, to a small, yet nagging extent, it's true.

Ageism is real. We, to others, become unnoticed when we're older. So, whether it's good or bad talk, if the talk is about me, whether at work, family or other relationships, I think, "Gee, I'm still relevant enough to talk about!"

Be prepared for loss of energy. When I was in my 20s and 30s, after work I would go to the movies, take classes, go out to dinner with friends. Now I just want to go home. And the weekends are spent recovering from the week.

I learned 99.9% of the things that were keeping me up with worry every night never happens. I was able to stop waking up at 3 am after I had this over 50 epiphany.

I was very lucky to have a dad who made sure everything was in order before he died and a sibling who is honest so the closing his estate went smoothly

Never trust a fart.

lol, so much wisdom here.

I'm starting to think I could reboot I've Never Been To Me.

[quote] Never trust a fart.

And have extra sets of underwear available. Sharts are real!

Thank you, r11

the people on datalounge will:

1. Always be worse off than you.

2. Always have it better than you.

R30 that is the sagest, most practical advice writ here so far.

The rest of you are amazingly wise as well!

I’ve learned that there really is some wisdom that comes with age. Even curious, educated people don’t learn about earlier periods with the depth or nuance of people who lived them. But these periods still influence what is going on now, so they matter. A very current example that another thread made me think of - the Winter Olympics. Those who don’t remember the Cold War and the way Olympic athletes were weaponized for propaganda purposes are more surprised that Russia still skirts the rules to the degree that they do. But Russia still feels a little insecure about it’s flashier rival, the US. Or at least they did several years ago when I visited and I would not have realized this had I not visited (an opportunity I only had in my 40’s). Attitudes toward Eileen Gu are different for those that have the experience to understand the implications of what she is doing. They judge her more harshly (correctly in my opinion, although I don’t care very much and don’t wish her harm).

I’m only in my mid-fifties, but even at my age I have some experiences and perspective that younger people lack. What is nice about this is that is actually makes me MORE tolerant of opinions I would have just dismissed angrily as stupidity a decade or more ago. Instead of getting frustrated, I have an inner satisfaction that there are some advantages to age that will only increase.

I used to obsess over my appearance, making sure the hair was perfect, my outfit well coordinated and fashionable.

Now I don't give a fuck, and I love the freedom I've been given.

This is going to be your last social decade, don’t waste it. Build friendships that will sustain you, lest you end up being lonely in your dotage. Turn your interests outside of yourself.

There's a lot of truth to those lines from Prince Philip's mother in The Crown:

Sometime around 70, I realized I was more observer than participant.

Oh, who cares? (At our age) It's not our problem.

So this is going to sound a bit cunty,

but if you're in an abusive relationship or rut with your life, getting out of it requires seeing what WAS, IS, and KEEPS YOU PERPETUALLY IN ONE. It takes two people.

It's all about seeing your part in it. Those that keep meeting violent people and getting into these predicaments are falling into patterns established LONG before they ever met anyone.

If you came from a broken home, have an addiction or alcoholic issue, or are attracted to "bad boy" types, one of the best things you can do is stay sober. Try it for 30 days and I PROMISE half your problems will go away overnight.

The other half require a bit of self examination.

Dress conservatively and have a classic wardrobe. Also, buy clothing that fits well and doesn’t accentuate your flaws. Moreover, nothing looks more ridiculous than a 50 plus gay man, who dresses like a 20 year old. (I’ve seen this countless times.)

Learn how to minimize the effect of narcissistic personalities by seeing identifying the traits- if you must ever work with one, read a few books about this disorder so you don’t fall into their trap..

Some great stuff on here! I'm 62 now and stuff I used to take for granted now requires effort, physically and mentally. Moving back to my small home town and being single again was a culture shock, but after mourning about the downsides, it's actually liberating to find out who your real friends are and not being a slave to your dick.

Never drain your pasta.

Take a bath/shower daily

You don't really need "friends" you just need human interaction from time to time.

Love this thread. Keep going please.

Exercise is so important beyond vanity. Your body needs it or it becomes stiff and weak [italic]fast[/italic].

Stop collecting "stuff." Every time you think "Oh, I could use another mirror in my hallway." No, just stop it. Go somewhere. Go enjoy something. When you're on your deathbed, will you think - Oh I sure loved that knick knack. No, you'll think, "Oh, that vacation was amazing, or that concert was beautiful," etc.

At last, some wisdom on DL! At 64, I've learned that so many of what OP and others are saying is true and valuable. Less energy. Taking care of parents. Caring less about how others judge you. Making sure your voice is heard. Let me add a few that I have learned: Let go of old grudges -- it is incredibly freeing. Devote your time to the things that truly matter to you. Seek things that make you laugh -- pets' antics, good sitcoms -- especially before you go to bed.

In my 30s and 40s I was up at 4am every weekday morning, in the gym by 5am and at my desk by 8:30. Once I entered my 50s all that went out the window and I value sleep so much more. I went from sleeping 5 hours a night to 8-10 hours a night and I feel great. Treat yourself right. Spoil yourself. Get rid of toxic people. If you have a horrible family then distance yourself.

R49 Corollary: Be conservative with your body if you get injured! Don’t try to run a couple of days after a sprained ankle. Give it time.

Fat hips sink ships.

R50. Oh how true! Stop buying stuff and start getting rid of stuff. A few years ago I gave away more than half of my clothing and only kept stuff that I actually wear. Digitized cds that I love then donated them, too. Books were donated. Crap in the back of my closet was tossed. Once I de-cluttered I started feeling so much lighter. Downsize!!!

Do you always speak in bumper stickers?

It is said, r55, that you spend the first half of your life acquiring things and the second half getting rid of them.

Hydration. Hydration. Hydration

I've learned by dealing with my parents, and now seeing it in myself, that many ailments can be traced back to dehydration.

If you don't watch your figure, nobody else will.

At 50 you wonder how the hell you could sleep through the night without having to get up to pee two or three times.

R17- EVERY other queen including you gives the same advice about maintaining good skin. How about not smoking, drinking or taking drugs plus eating lots of plant foods like fruits, vegetable, nuts, seeds and beans and eat sweets and other junk food sparingly. These will go a long way towards making one look youthful more effectively than sunscreen.

R49- Much more than that- it strengthens your immune system, lowers your blood pressure , cholesterol, triglycerides and can help with depression and you sleep better at night, plus regular exercise can improve your memory.

Regular exercise is a kind of -Fountain Of Youth

Some of this advice is from horrible frau Karen elder gays who have nothing going on and are negative so take a lot of this shit with a grain of salt.

Be specific, r64.

R65 The 55yo who can’t get over his mom dying and can’t fuck and is waiting for his lover to die and whatever else he said

If you decide to do AARP, go for the 5 year membership. If you pay for 5 years in advance it's only $45 - 9 bucks a year, compared to $15 or more if you do it year by year.

It "paid for itself" based on the savings (over $100) from the first hotel stay where I used the discount. The other discounts are meh, but hotel discounts are the ones that really come through. And their newsletters/magazines do have very helpful information about all kinds of financial and medical stuff.

[quote] Low, low, low lighting

20 years ago older friends of mine joked about having a theater light designer come to their homes to design the lighting - amber lighting filters being the most friendly to an older person.

Now I keep thinking - I need my own amber spotlight!

Veils.

'Better for me to want what I have, then have what I want.'

R10, could you elaborate please? Aren't they the same?

Loss.

You may never pass this way again. Ever. Be in the moment. That one trip you finally get to go on? Stop. Look around. Listen. Breathe. Enjoy it. Rushing around to make sure you do this and that, etc. Just slow down. Look at everything.

R65 you must be young and not sage.

Meant r 66

R65 sorry wrong poster, i meant young and dumb at 66

“You’ll live to be 100 if you quit doing all the things that make you want to.”

I heard this line in a movie once and never forgot it. Can’t remember the film, but the character was a fat alcoholic.

Stop eating so much meat and dairy and instead eat fruit, vegetables, and whole grains whenever you can. Your body was once pretty invincible. Now it depends on your wise choices for its health. Treat it well, and it will treat you will.

Metamucil first thing in the morning and three tablespoons of mineral oil before bed will keep you regular as a Swiss clock.

Learn about these *before* 50...

Consult an attorney and prepare a will. This is especially so if you have a same sex partner or spouse. Make sure they are financially protected.

Just do a bong hit and chill.

Coaching, long walks, bingo, sex in nursing homes

You will grieve the loss of your sex life. I'm not done that yet, at 58, so I don't know where I land when it's dead. And that gulf between you in the old camp and all the other guys in the not old camp is a real heartbreaker. But that's life.

R80: “Consult an attorney and prepare a will. This is especially so if you have a same sex partner or spouse. Make sure they are financially protected.”

Consult an attorney and prepare a will. This is especially so if you have a same sex partner or spouse you hate. Make sure they are financially fucked.

As we age, the truth that life is an endurance test becomes very apparent. Losses of health, friends, lovers, work. Cling to each with determination, but know that you must let go. I've had to change my daily attitude of get out there and fight to accept and enjoy what I can. Difficult to accept that one day it will all just stop.

Everyone dies. Grieve, celebrate the life they had, and pick yourself back up. Your elderly mom and dad will die. It’s a fact and if you can’t accept it while they’re still alive, go see a therapist to help you learn to accept it.

And starting in the mid-late 40’s, and picking up incredible speed by age 50, the funerals start coming at you. Not just parents, but siblings, extended family, friends, etc.

On that note, as others here have said, get rid of stuff! No one wants your collections of stuff. I’ve cleaned out enough relatives homes to know this first hand. And as the keeper of all my families photos and history, I’ve realized we all ultimately end up as a small box of a few photos, maybe a watch, or a brooch no one wears, and that’s it. The rest, and sometimes even the few photos, are usually gone after 2-3 generations.

Double anal

[quote]“You’ll live to be 100 if you quit doing all the things that make you want to.” I heard this line in a movie once and never forgot it. Can’t remember the film.

Woody Allen. Bullets over Broadway?

Three words: Metamucil Fiber Gummies.

Hey lady….you lady…..

I'm putting my money or cock( this is a gay site after all) where my mouth is- I just got back from my 4 mile walk.

You become those you hang around with, so choose carefully and create healthy boundaries. Or, begin to sour along with them.

There are people that complain they don’t have enough, aren’t treated fairly, get into terrible situations, money problems etc.

What you must understand is with or without you, these people are on the same path and you cannot “change” their trajectory. I had a friend I let go of ten years ago, picked up the phone recently and realized she was exactly where I had left her (if not worse).

Be patient, be fair, be brave along with them.

But be prepared to perhaps say one day, “that’s enough” and wipe your hands of them.

R70, I came across that phrase by reading an essay in The NY Times. Iirc, the theme was our enduring quest to acquire material things, and even perhaps acquire unattainable people, social status, etc and how ultimately once we acquire those things it did nothing to remove the void.

Not that anybody should settle for less or endure an abusive relationship with themselves or others.

It’s just that we’re conditioned constantly strive and maybe what we already have IS the natural result of what that.

With recovery from addictions we have self- respect, clear heads, we develop honesty, integrity. I actually HAVE those things- I want what I have.

If my alcoholic brain acts up and says to me “have what you want”, well, that way is death.

So, in the addictions context, it really is better for me to want what I have, rather than have what I want.

R92- I had a friend I had know since 2001 and I finally got rid of him. Every time we spoke in recent years- which was just once in a while- he acted hostile and resentful towards me. My father said once - He wants to make time with you. I knew he was attracted to me but years ago he didn't resent me for it. I once told him that I thought some guy was interested in me. He did not want to hear about. He really wasn't much of a friend. He had a partner of many years but his partner had a number of health issues and mobility issues. He had both of his hips replaced and had an operation on his intestines. My former friend was his caretaker. That was his future and not making time with me. His toxicity was too much for me. I have not spoken to him in two years this month.

Sorry bout the fragments and typos at r93, these so-called smart phones ain’t so smart

I’m 58 and was a runner for more than 25 years. I had to stop because my knees were shot. So when the lockdown started and I couldn’t get the gym anymore I started walking with my dogs. 4-5 miles. Everyday. Mentally and physically it’s probably better for all of us. I absolutely love it. There is just something about it. And it’s a 2/1. They get their walk and I get mine. I highly recommend it.

I've been on a health kick since September. I've changed my eating habits. I did what R77 mentions. I never ate fruits. Now I have a refrigerator with several fruits. I have seen several nutritionists say there are no bad foods. But some foods should not be part of a normal routine. Also you do not have to exercise daily. Just walking around your home for 5 minutes is better than nothing. When you go to a store, unless you have mobility issues, park farther away from the store than you normally do. Oh, and R30 nailed it.

Raw vegetables are a gamble.

Keep enough pills on hand in case the need to end your life is your best and sometimes your only option.

You have to be careful with raw vegetables also. You can develop diverticulitis. Both my Mom and a friend developed it and it’s not cute.

[quote] Moreover, nothing looks more ridiculous than a 50 plus gay man, who dresses like a 20 year old.

I feel attacked, r42.

Use sunscreen, floss your teeth- take care of those puppies- no one wants dental implants or dentures. If you've had braces, wear your retainer at night until you die, or your teeth will start crowding again every15-20 years- your teeth are always moving forwards.

If you drink enough water, you won't need fiber anything supplements.

R99 says the 30 year old. That’s the thing with getting to be over 50. A ton of self acceptance and forgiveness. And you honestly don’t give two shits what people think. It’s very freeing. So fuck off.

Amen, r100. My husband, who is 63, developed abdominal last September and ended up having an emergency partial sigmoidectomy. Followed by 11 days in the hospital, 3 months having to wear an ileostomy bag, then reversal surgery and 5 more days in the hospital, and a month of having a big open wound on his belly.

He’s fine now, but keeps pestering me to get a colonoscopy - I’m 57 and have still never had one.

*developed abdominal pain

Excellent article about the wanting/needing issue. Paywall, but you may be able to use the Reader if you’re on mobile.

Years ago I came to the realization that it’s very easy to have everything you want: Just want less.

Sometimes your friends are your family, and your family are your friends. Never take your friends for granted. Often they will be there for you before a blood relative.

Enjoy your life. Work is work, and it is so easy to let it take over everything. Use your vacation time. Don't let your job run your life.

Learn to see the joy in the simple things.

Learn to enjoy being alone. You are your own best friend, and I think sometimes people forget that.

Save your money now so you can take care of yourself later. I just retired early because I did this.

I was diagnosed with diverticulosis when I had my first colonoscopy at 50. Luckily, it has not yet advanced to diverticulitis, and I really haven't had any digestive issues. Lesson learned - eat more fiber.

Don't forget to stop and...

Enjoy your sexuality; it doesn't have to end as you age. Sometimes it only gets better. Not always but sometimes. Aspects of it might change, but there is still pleasure to be had.

great thread, thanks, DLers

R103 I think you misunderstood R99's post.

"Getting older is not for sissies." - Bette Davis

very good info in this thread.

I didn't know raw veggies can cause diverticulitis

R114 I'm not sure that's true. I know raw veggies can aggravate it - but cause it? I've not heard that before.

Life is a banquet!!

[quote] A diminished libido is surprisingly liberating. At first I considered TRT but then came to the realisation I enjoyed that the the monkey was off my back. I now have all that extra time that doesn’t consume my thoughts to do other things.

I'm 43 and I am there and I love it. Love it. I have been waiting all these years since age 12 to be freed from the bonds of sex obsession. I'm a naturally curious person who loves discovering new things, and the obsession over one thing for all these years has killed a part of me. I really resented it and I feel now like I am able to go back to the person I was as a child who had so many other interests in life.

Humanity is a horrible aberration of nature and the world and everything existing on it will be better off when it finally shakes this infestation off.

[quote]He really wasn't much of a friend. He had a partner of many years but his partner had a number of health issues and mobility issues. He had both of his hips replaced and had an operation on his intestines. My former friend was his caretaker. That was his future and not making time with me. His toxicity was too much for me. I have not spoken to him in two years this month.

You are an asshole. He's lucky to have you out of his life.

'At last I am free from a cruel and insane master.' - Socrates, age 80, on his recent loss of libido

Keep some Rolaids on you, at your desk, at home and in your car. Formerly innocuous foods can suddenly set your stomach on fire.

Smart Mouth mouthwash is the only one that works and is worth the price.

Already mentioned but worth repeating, no you can NOT skip a daily shower. Body chemistry changes with age and not for the better in regards to the odors your body emits.

All cats are grey in the dark.

If you’re reasonably astute and sensitive, you will learn that ageism is everywhere.

And if you’re self-aware, you’ll know you contributed harshly to ageism in your youth.

Lol, r118. And that’s laughter at the absurdity of existence and I completely agree with you.

And what r123 said, too.

If the ancestry kind of stuff is important to you, and you still have parents or grandparents who are alive, get them on video talking about their memories.

If you have an interest in photos of your family - while you're still relatively young, and have cousins, aunts, uncles etc alive, coordinate having everyone put their photos out on a shared drive, or have people scan them and burn onto CDs so that anyone and everyone who wants them can have them, and no worries about the originals being gone forever.

Not everyone will find these things meaningful or important, but if you have an interest and these people are still around, reach out.

Monitor your thoughts for self-limiting ageism, eg, "I'm 50-60-70, so I can't (fill in the blank)". Don't let the date on the calendar or how many times the earth has circled the sun get in the way of doing what you want to do. REAL limitations will come along soon enough (or they may not), so why deny yourself on the basis of some self-imposed arbitrary limitation?

R119- I don't know why you're attacking me. My former friend had his own VERY spacious apartment and his partner/husband kept his own place yet he wanted to use my apartment for a sexual encounter with someone else. He wanted me to take in some relative of his who was getting medical treatment in the city ( Manhattan). He had lost all sense of boundaries.

R121- That is certainly true for FAT people. They sweat and SMELL very easily and really need to shower EVERY day.

R115 is correct, R114

Raw vegetables do not cause diverticulitis. In fact, doctors are still not exactly sure what causes it.

If you ALREADY HAVE diverticulitis and it is flaring up, the advice is to avoid high fiber foods until it clears up. But they do not cause it.

Trust your intuition.

And in order for that to work, don’t second guess yourself

Life really is short.

I will pass on this bit of wisdom from my father, who read an article in Men's Health or similar about how men over 50 can't pull off stubble-beards and either look homeless or like terrorists if they try.

It is why, at 67, he still shaves every day,.

To R123, you are correct!! In my 20's, I was guilty of it, even though I was fucking guys in their 40's. Now I am 60 years old, Life is pretty good. What R130 said too.

[quote] Parents become your responsibility

Bullshit. I left my mother in a wheelchair on the emergency room steps. In another state.

[quote] 'Better for me to want what I have, then have what I want.'

[quote] [R10], could you elaborate please? Aren't they the same?

No, they aren't the same.

Wanting what you have is appreciating what you have, what's at your fingertips, what's available to you right now. (Rather than taking things for granted.)

Having what you want (the focus on this) is striving for something you don't have right now, staying in constant state of wanting more. (Not being at peace with what you have right now.)

Avoid overhead lighting. (It's unflattering and makes you feel like a cop is about to come into the room and interrogate you.)

Incandescent lighting is more soothing. Table lamps are better than ceiling fixtures.

^ Good lighting really is a boy’s best friend

R137- I was at a bathhouse one night in 2017 and this good looking guy with Shaggy hair enters my room. For some reason he decided to put the light in my room all the way up. When the light was dim I thought he was 26 years old. When he put the light all the way up it aged him by at least TEN years- but I have to say he was still good looking even in the bright light.

R132, A dermatologist once told me that men should not shave daily.

He said every 2-3 days is better for the skin.

[quote]That is certainly true for FAT people. They sweat and SMELL very easily and really need to shower EVERY day.

Older folks tend to smell ripe quicker than younger ones. I'm not overweight and there is certainly a difference in the strength of my b.o. as I've aged regardless of level of activity.

I knew that I was going to get old. I just didn't realize how fast it was going to happen!

The men on my father's side historically died young.

My father(51), my grandfather(38), my uncle(50), my cousin(53).

Subconsciously, I have lived my life more or less resigned that I would also die young and it definitely affected the way I have lived.

I am now about to turn 70, and though not in perfect health, I feel I have beaten the curse.

Be true to your teeth or they’ll be false to you!

R142- There are people who can eat rat poison every day and live until 110. You are NOT one of those people. Even though your genetics would suggest you would die young it's not destined that you would. If you go out of your weigh to eat well and exercise that can counter balance the fact that the genetic cards were stacked against you- I did not decide this myself I read this either at Consumer Reports or the NYT.

Breath gets worse as you age too. I have great dental hygiene, but keep breath spray and mints next to the bed because my mouth tastes and smells like ass when I wake up in the morning.

Do not, under any circumstances, walk in front of a full length mirror.

You’ve been advised….

R146- You sound like Dorothy on The Golden Girls- Never lean over a hand held mirror. Do it on your back

Never wash your face and it will stay younger longer. Always wash behind your ears, however, or they will stink like rotten cheese.

Disinfect your mouth after every meal or snack and your teeth will last longer but in general they are not made to stand up to our diet

Get circumcised. Older people can lose the retractability of the foreskin very easily, something pro-foreskin people don't tell you when you're young.

Older people don't retain water very well so you have to increase your hydration.

Your skin will color a bit so it actually looks better with whiter hair.

it is the things that just happened that you will forget first. You will never forget that humiliating incident from the third grade. In general, bad memories have more staying power than good memories, so make an effort to remember the good.

Skin cancer and hearing loss are usually the result of an incident or other. Also never feast too much. People are much more likely to die after an excessive meal because the body is very mechanial and can heal itself if not abused.

Don't expect gratitude from anybody younger than you no matter what you did for them.

Most older people don't want to be reminded they are old, so they would prefer to hang out with twenty year old strangers rather than you. Don't take it personally: man is a pathetic waste of oxygen and if they know you know their faults, they would rather you die than remind them of it.

People who ghost your feel bad about how they treated you, so write them off immediately. It doesn't even matter if they change. They are not good enough for you.

R148- They say that people who NEVER smiled also look younger because they don't have any laugh lines.

Keep up with your hygiene. You might think you're fooling others; you're not.

I'm self-employed and can shop (grocery) when the retired people shop. There are some men who don't necessarily smell like bad B.O., but they do have an unwashed smell. (Mixture of clothing worn multiple times, unwashed skin, maybe even unwashed bedding.)

There's a line or two in "To Kill a Mockingbird" about Tom Ewell (Mayella's father) appearing in court. Narrator says that even though he's freshly-washed, it was the look of someone who doesn't wash very often. (Skin reddish and scrubbed-looking, I guess.) I never wanted to be that person.

R150- Prince Charles has that look or maybe he just has the look of an OLD DRUNK.

While regular exercise is important, stretching exercises are even more important. Don't lose flexibility when you get older - it will be a quality of life issue. Bending, stooping, turning your head even - it all diminishes as you age. Imagine not being able to trim your toenails or look to see who's behind you or reaching for something on the top shelf. Yoga is great for avoiding this.

Don't suffer with injuries or aches and pains. Get to a physiotherapist before you do lasting damage and it becomes chronic and disabling.

[quote] Imagine not being able to trim your toenails

I'm convinced that this is why pedicures are so popular. I'm relatively thin but have a little bit of a pot belly and I don't have an easy time doing my toenails. But the hell if I'm going to sit in a shop getting my feet done.

Any words of wisdom for how to be comfortable spending a lot of time alone? I have a little voice in my head saying I “should” have plans with people but the reality is that my closest friend moved to another state and my social circle has gotten a lot smaller as I’ve gotten older. I will have entire weekends without plans with anyone but still make a point to do things (museums, movies, long walks) on my own.

I paint, find something that you love doing. I like being alone. No distractions. But i would never give up pets.

[quote] Any words of wisdom for how to be comfortable spending a lot of time alone? I have a little voice in my head saying I “should” have plans with people ...

R155, Are you uncomfortable about being alone ... or are you uncomfortable b/c of the voice saying what you "should" be doing? If it's the voice, then it's "negative self-talk" and should be treated with little regard.

If you're really uncomfortable alone, are you an introvert or extrovert? If introverted, then you need to find a goal to accomplish. If extroverted, then you need to find a new friend.

+1 on R152 - mobility is the single most important thing for older people as a way to avoid injury and so few bother with it.

There are thousands of stretching and yoga videos online. Yin Yoga, which is holding relatively easy posts for long periods of time, is great for this.

[quote] I have great dental hygiene, but keep breath spray and mints next to the bed because my mouth tastes and smells like ass when I wake up in the morning.

Do you not have access to a toothbrush and toothpaste?

Live. Laugh. LOVE.

R154, Trimming pubes can be problematic with a belly, as well.

R150, Isn't that why God made cologne?

[quote] There are people who can eat rat poison every day and live until 110.

This is my grandmother. She’s 106 and has eaten a Southern diet of sugar, salt, fat and fried her entire life. She never had any issues with eating a second piece of pie.

Thank you R156/R157. Good words of wisdom.

I might adopt a dog. Very introverted so it’s the negative self-talk. If I’m being a truly honest, I really like doing things on my own.

[quote] Isn't that why God made cologne?

Strangely enough, cologne doesn’t cover old man smell.

Tomato juice is good for that, r165.

Cologne is not a cover up, R162 / R165 (replying to itself).

Don't count on the inheritance. Things happen.

Do study Social Security and Medicare beforehand. They're surprisingly complicated.

Don't get addicted to the web. Can happen very easily once you've got all that free time.

R168, Does that include watching free gay porn?

R169 See R4. You'll understand once the years start to pile on.

[quote]Already mentioned but worth repeating, no you can NOT skip a daily shower. Body chemistry changes with age and not for the better in regards to the odors your body emits.

This isn't true. Testosterone is one of the things that leads to the worst stench and that diminishes a lot. You also dry out as you age so you don't have the swampy areas anywhere near what you had when you were younger. You also don't have the body oils that help create the stink, especially in the hair. The reason old people might seem to smell more is because they don't bathe as often for other reasons, most likely mobility related or that they just don't give a shit anymore but it's not physiological in nature. After a couple of days of not bathing, a younger person will smell more strongly than an older person and they'll also look oilier and more gross in general.

Old people most likely have worse breathe for the same reason they won't have worse body smell, comparatively...their mouths are also dried out. That, unlike with the body, creates more stench because it leads to more bacterial growth due to lack of the washing effect of saliva. That same thing also leads to more rot in their mouths.

Great read, R106. The Atlantic still has it.

R171 Just shower. You don't smell yourself, but others do. Trust us, you smell funky.

Honestly a lot of batty “advice” here. The obsession with showering and cosmetic appearances is odd. Age should be about wisdom - not being afraid of what others think. Stretching is one of the few things that is valuable advice.

R174 Showering once a day and an "obsession with showering" are very different.

It's later than you think. Keep this in front of your mind and everything will adjust accordingly.

Stop your references to old movies, old TV, Nixon, the War etc. Nobody gets them anymore and they make you look old. And provide fodder for those who want to poke fun at you behind your back.

Being alone sucks, and relationships are overrated.

R178- If you don't like either of those then what is the answer?

[quote] and relationships are overrated.

Sorry your experiences have been so bad.

discontent, R179

R179 The answer? Accept the contradictions of life. It's full of them and most can't be resolved. Focus your energies elsewhere.

I loved that R40.

The whole “dump friends” advice is in direct contradiction to the “avoid loneliness” advice. I’ve found it requires work to maintain a quantances/friends - and that includes dealing with non-ideal behavior. The option is to be alone.

RE: comments on multiple trips to pee at night, this is just one of Dr. Berg's videos on nocturia. The big culprit? Eating and drinking after dinner creating high cortisal/insulin/sugar that creates the urge. I was on Flomax, which I felt didn't do much good. Now, as a rule, after dinner I'm done eating and drinking. Soon enough, I was not hungry or thirsty after dinner. And for the last nearly 3 months, I almost always get up just once during the night. I sleep better now and much more energetic during the day. Dr. Berg's videos on weight loss and health issues are terrific. No hard sell, just practical.

Once you hit 50, be prepared for out of control ear hair, nostril hair, back of the neck hair and eyebrows.

I wish someone had posted on here to never trust a fart a half century of soiled bloomers ago

I treated my body well and I still got cancer. I don’t smoke, don’t drink alcohol, I ate organic foods, etc.

R173, I do shower daily because doing otherwise, no matter what your age, is gross. But, the fact remains that young people's hormones and oiliness make them stink more. Facts are facts.

R188 I’m sorry. I hope you’re okay.

please get a colonoscopy, many men refuse to get them have some type of pet...cat or dog...requires you to move and think about someone or something other than yourself experiences are better than possessions if you can learn to do things on your own it will be the best thing ever...I am turning 56 today and love being by myself and have for a long time...movies, dinner, travel, silence...nothing holds me back...I also have a great group of friends, but if someone doesn't want to do something with me or I don't want company I am more than happy to do it myself. butter is your friend, water is important and always have chocolate in the house last thing...don't be afraid to take a nap...best thing for you

There was a woman in her twenties at my gym who would obviously not shower before because she smelled like Cap'n Crunch soup broth from her unwashed sheets

sorry the above was written in a list, but it didn't come out like that

I'm slowly learning to let things go.

It's not worth ruining a relationship with family or friends over...whatever. Life's too short.

When I was younger I said stupid things...including bigoted remarks. I was young and stupid. I've learned a great deal since then and grown. So, I'm more forgiving of people saying stupid things today.

Don't waste your time with negative people. They only drag you down with them.

So much more...

R186- That was me by 38 years old.

please get a colonoscopy, many men refuse to get them

have some type of pet...cat or dog...requires you to move and think about someone or something other than yourself

experiences are better than possessions

if you can learn to do things on your own it will be the best thing ever...I am turning 56 today and love being by myself and have for a long time...movies, dinner, travel, silence...nothing holds me back...I also have a great group of friends, but if someone doesn't want to do something with me or I don't want company I am more than happy to do it myself.

butter is your friend, water is important and always have chocolate in the house last thing...

don't be afraid to take a nap...best thing for you

To R33...Tell me about it. If u think it's not a fart. You are correct!!

Almost every conversation you have with someone inevitably includes discussion about all your or their health problems.

[quote]Cap'n Crunch soup broth

???

[quote]Don't waste your time with negative people. They only drag you down with them.

A disclaimer should always go with this. Also, show empathy. Sometimes people are going through so much shit that it's hard for them not to be negative. So, as someone with life experience, don't just drop people like this. Use your experience-gained empathy to be a positive in their life. If they are a leeching jerk about it, then fine, drop them. But, if they are just going through a rough patch in life, try to be there for them. So many people on here are just like, "Drop everyone who isn't dippily happy all the time cuz who's got time for that?!" What you learn from living a couple more decades is that you, too, will be the depressed negative drowning person at some point and you will need someone to stick by you like a grown up instead of a selfish, self-centered child who only asks, "What have you done for me lately?" to determine who to keep in their lives.

Had a conversation with a friend yesterday about our impending decrepitude and the flight path to oblivion. We're in our mid fifties. We concluded slowing down is best. Why overwork? Nature shows the way.

R200- You and your friend sound like DRIPS 💧

Actually R201 it was a pretty funny conversation. Lots of laughing and some breakthrough stuff. Sorry you weren't there.

For your financial assets (bank accounts), fill out PODs or TODs (Payable On Death / Trasfer On Death) or beneficiary assignments. You can change the beneficiary / ies later if you want. Helpful if you don't have a will or a trust, or even if you do.

R202- I'm also in my mid 50's and I worry about the future but I look at my father who was still commuting into the office five days a week - he had to take three trains to get to his office and then reverse it at night carrying his heavy bag of loose leaf notebooks- up until the age of 91.

He must've loved his family very much, R204.

^ R201

R205- He had a lot of energy for his age. He didn't want to be like everyone else his age who had long since moved to Florida or Arizona- He HATED Florida. He used to say how much fishing and playing golf can you do before it gets boring.

^ R204

R204, what was his job? He was able to keep it until 91? They didn't try to get rid of him?

When I was in early 30s I remember thinking how ridiculous a co-worker, also in her 30s, was maxing out her 403(b) contributions. I figured saving more than the 10% I was already saving was a waste, retirement was so far away and what would I need the money for then anyway. Now that I am in my fifties and would like to retire early I wish I could could go back in time and slap myself.

R210 Same

Thanks, R190. I’m fine— I just have to endure tests to monitor for a recurrence as well as the occasional joke from people who say that ‘clean living’ actually gave me cancer and I may as well take up smoking and drinking now.

[quote] Stop your references to old movies, old TV, Nixon, the War etc. Nobody gets them anymore and they make you look old. And provide fodder for those who want to poke fun at you behind your back.

Are you trying to put us out of business R177??

Well???

ALSO R191: punctuation is for pussies

This thread is sponsored by BUTTER

I keep myself up appearance wise,but thats more out of habit than desire to attract. I like looking neat and groomed and clean. I started having erection problems about a year ago (Im 60) and at first I wept and wailed and gnashed my teeth,but after a while I realized that it didnt matter.I still get 3/4 hard,still have very pleasant orgasms and its not like I was ever a top anyway ! Ive never given a fig what others thought about me,so that part of ageism doesnt affect me.However I will cop an attitude with a quickness if I get even a whiff of condescension . I am very polite to everyone I encounter and I expect the same treatment back. In fact,my politeness is so unusual these days Im forever complimented on it,wich saddens me as I was raised when it was expected from everyone.Along that line,Im also asked often why Im "dressed up" when I wearing a pair of slacks and a pressed shirt and a cute hat. They never believe me when I say Im not.

R209- He was a Real Estate broker and he worked in his brother's office. He was self employed for many years otherwise he likely would have been put out to pasture many years ago.

[quote]Stop your references to old movies, old TV, Nixon, the War etc. Nobody gets them anymore and they make you look old. And provide fodder for those who want to poke fun at you behind your back.

Yes, by all means, placate the ignorance of the youth at all times. You can tell which people on this thread are not over 50 but still feel like they should go ahead and share their "wisdom" with us.

R214- You sound that like that character in Little Britain In America - the Southern Grandma in the rocking chair who says-

POT IS FOR PUSSIES

Caftans and gin are your only friends.

R220- I did not know Paul Lynde wore a Kaftan. He wasn't FAT like Alvin Leon Talley.

Your cultural references are irrelevant. Talk less. Listen to the young. While you are smiling and nodding undress them with your eyes.

R213 Of course I'm not trying to put DL out of business. We all know nobody ever pays any attention to the advice given here. You think somebody actually followed the instructions and whipped up a dish of cod and prunes?

Be sure your beneficiaries on IRAs, 401ks, other retirement accounts, etc. are who you want them to go to, since whoever you have there will override any will you make out. People have been known to still have ex-husbands, ex-wives, ex-friends, on these accounts, and you don't want them to get some sort of last laugh on you if you didn't intend to give them money.

If you think you can't do it, you are correct. If you think you can do it, you are correct. It's all about your mindset and getting out of your own way in many things.

If becomes harder to make new friends when you are older, true enough, but it's still possible. Sports like pickleball, community centers possibly, though gyms tend to have people wearing earphones so that's never been particularly helpful -- but classes are good for talking to people. Also trying social nudism I've found some new, very friendly folks to watch movies with, swim at private parties I was invited to after making friends, etc.

Granted the pandemic made a lot more difficult these last 2 years. But learning to entertain myself -- love recording easily old movies and other shows on YouTubeTV, reading books around the house and/or borrowing from the library for my kindle, listening to my CDs and other media, doing exercise around the house or walks around town since gym was closed.

I saw Fran Lebowitz on Friday night. The first half was an interview with Ari Shapiro, the second half was answering questions from the audience - which were mostly asked by the younger members.

How embarrassing for them. Some 22 year old lesbian asking for advice on procrastination got utterly humiliated for her self absorption. Many questions were asked that has been answered already, but the questioner wanted to be in the spotlight. Someone asked if she had faked an orgasm, to which she responded no, and why would anyone. Then the capper - what is your love language? She asked if this bitch was in the same room and ended the show.

So, yeah - i’m ok being 51.

R222 Listen to the young? No thanks

I couldn't STAND teenagers when I was a teenager in the 1980's. I loathed contemporary music and the entire culture of the time. Even at 16 years old I wish it were 1966 and the Beatles Revolver songs were still on the charts. I was nostalgic by the time I was 13 years old.

I dumped at least one "friend" who said to me "Do you really think you can do that?" I don't need negative people. And yes, I did what she was trying to dissuade me from doing in my career, and it went great.

R228- Maybe she was jealous that you WOULD be successful so she attempted to sabotage you.

R226 Bitter party of one.

R227 Some die at 13 and aren't buried until they're 83.

R229 I think you're right.

Convert all of your financial asset accounts to “pay-on-death” format. Your beneficiaries will be spared probate.

Not 50 but mom is well past 50 and looking at her I would say- don't smoke, stay out of the sun if possible but don't be a vampire about it, moisturize, and strength building exercise with walking and stretching...And treating your kids like crap while they're young then sucking up to them when they're adults and you need them doesn't work. They remember.

R233 Why spare them. It's not like they did anything for the money. Let'em wait.

,

[quote] Things You Learn After 50

Life’s pretty much over

R224 Flash- The little blood suckers don't give a shit about ya gramps.

What R233 said. Fill out a Transfer on Death (TOD) beneficiary form for all banks accounts (you can do it online), IRA accounts, investment accounts, etc. Then after your death, all your beneficiary has to do is show up with your death certificate and the money will be released/transferred to him, thus avoiding probate.

As much as you may despise your parents, it is to your benefit to stay in some kind of contact to have an idea where their assets are (financial institutions, retirement accounts, etc.), especially if you are an only child/sole beneficiary. Having a list of where they've stashed it all will save you months of investigative work. Also, as stated above, encourage your parents to fill out TOD forms for all accounts naming you as beneficiary again to avoid probate.

[quote] Live. Laugh. LOVE.

Forgive your grudges, but never forget them.

R238, If you're an only child and not at least in contact with your parents, then shame on you.

And he should recall R168: Don't count on the inheritance.

R241 There's always at least one ignorant judgemental fuck in the bunch.

[quote] [R238], If you're an only child and not at least in contact with your parents, then shame on you.

Shame on YOU, you judgmental nasty asshole.

Some only children were abused sexually, emotionally, or physically by their parents. You have no right whatsoever to demand they take care of those people for decades afterwards.

R244 One of your WWs is from me.

Getting up and going to bed at the same time every day solves sleep problems and thus vastly improves your quality of life.

Being outside and walking every day, no matter the weather, frees your mind of a lot of junk. And there's a lot of beauty to be appreciated, even on a wet November.

Realizing what I really like and value and focussing on that.

Learned before 50 that aging isn't all bad--I loved the increase in confidence and skill in my work. After 50, learning to not obsess about all the obvious downsides of aging. We all age and die; each phase has to be enjoyed for what it is and not for what it isn't.

Dancing at home is a pleasure--a gin and tonic, 90s club music on the airpods, and I'm transported.

One thing I do not understand is how parents can treat their children disrespectfully or cruelly when they're young and vulnerable, and yet expect those same children to care for them lovingly when they're old and vulnerable, especially when they see their own parents are old and vulnerable and in need of care.

Narcissistic entitlement is a hell of a drug, R247.

[quote]What [R233] said. Fill out a Transfer on Death (TOD) beneficiary form for all banks accounts (you can do it online), IRA accounts, investment accounts, etc. Then after your death, all your beneficiary has to do is show up with your death certificate and the money will be released/transferred to him, thus avoiding probate.

Are there tax consequences doing it that way rather than an official inheritance through a will?

R244, Family first, you filthy, stinking cunt.

Curious, Eldergays, if you find you've reconnected with your hetero friends (those of you who had hetero friends) once they've emerged from the child-rearing years and become empty-nesters or even widows?

Or did your lives diverge too much in the intervening years?

For those of you concerned about dementia or have a history of it in your family, try learning another language. It's proven that the simple exercise of learning another language opens up pathways in the brain that stave of dementia six or seven year longer than any known treatment currently. This doesn't mean gaining fluency necessarily, but simple using your brain to comprehend the world in new ways has great benefits.

And it's a myth that younger people have it a 100x easier when it comes to languages. Yes, when you're younger your brain is more of a sponge. BUT the difference isn't as great as you would think since the older you are, you have a better understanding of the world around you and can form correlations between ideas faster with the your foundation of the fundamental ways of thinking.

R27 - dying at 44, Oscar Wilde didn't learn anything after 50.

Don’t date so much and don’t feel like you have to have a partner to be happy. Learn to be happy doing things alone and have a good network of friends. Read read read and stay relevant on current topics. Don’t have pointless sex. If you are horny just jerk off and you’ll feel better. Hiring whores are cheaper than having relationships.

Today's trade is tomorrow's competition.

James Van Der Beek, despite how hot you thought he was on Dawson’s Creek, could open a drive in on his forehead.

R254- I READ READ READ datalounge all day. Does that count?

[quote]stay relevant on current topics.

Oh my dear!

[quote]Don’t have pointless sex. If you are horny just jerk off and you’ll feel better.

Are you fucking kidding yourself?

[quote]Hiring whores are cheaper than having relationships.

That's your sex life in a nutshell. Clearly.

[quote]Are there tax consequences doing it that way rather than an official inheritance through a will?

R249 NO tax consequences to you, since all you're doing is giving instructions to whatever financial institution that when you cark it, your beneficiary Mr. X gets whatever is in your account. And a TOD beneficiary designation does not invalidate or impact a Will. You can will your entire estate to Mr. X, yet designate Mr. Y as TOD beneficiary of one or more of your accounts. Also keep in mind, that you can designate more than one TOD beneficiary per account, as well as the percentage of the whole each TOD beneficiary receives.

If you simply state in your will that Mr. X is beneficiary of your bank accounts, and those accounts run into a substantial amount of money, then you may very well be subjecting Mr. X to probate. Designating Mr. X as TOD beneficiary avoids probate.

I went through this in California. Check with a lawyer/financial advisor in your state about designating TOD beneficiaries and inheritance laws.

[quote]Don’t have pointless sex.

I cannot for the life of me understand what type of sex would be considered "pointless".

It doesn't get better.

R258 when you spend most your life being rejected by other men being called gross and undesirable, there’s a time where you say fuck it and just don’t show your face to the world anymore. On a rare occasion in hire a whore to feel what the human touch is. Overrated in the end. Pain doesn’t go away in any stage of life.

I'm sorry, R262. Maybe if you'd stated that when you posted, it would have made more sense. It sounded like you were giving advice.

R177, you’re absolutely wrong. Young people can learn from older people. If a young person doesn’t understand something and wants to learn about it, explain it to them. If they’re vacuous and don’t care, move on. Don’t waste your time. Who really cares if young people make fun of you behind your back? They’ll do so anyway. Carry yourself with dignity and poise.

NEVER EVER display ignorance to “fit in” with young people. You’ll degrade yourself. Of course, you should discuss current events, and learn from young people.

Why would one display ignorance to "fit in" with young people R264? What would be the use case there?

Many DLers would do well to take people as individuals rather than trying to fit them in a box based on their age, ethnicity, job or other characteristics that DLers feel are far more representative of a person than who they actually are.

I was sitting in my car in traffic on Thursday in Manhattan when I see this woman crossing the street. She must have been at least 65 years old but she was very well dressed. She wore these bright red shoes and a white fashionable dress it was definitely the type of outfit someone at least 30 years younger would wear. I'm not sure if my feeling was- Give it a rest honey or YOU GO GURL!

Annnd now the the thread is derailing. So much fun stuff the first 200 or so posts!

[quote] I'm not sure if my feeling was- Give it a rest honey or YOU GO GURL!

When you decide, let us know.

And given that it is still winter R266, wouldn't she have also been wearing a coat?

Bathe or shower everyday.

Brush your teeth in the morning and night. Flossing eliminates bad breath. Use mouthwash, as well. Always carry mints if your breath is stale.

One of my biggest nightmares is having the odors of an old man. I wear cologne and wear fresh clothing every day. I cleanse myself, with flushable wet wipes, after a bowel movement.

R270 Go very VERY lightly on the cologne.

R269- It was in the 50's on Friday in the city.

[quote] Bathe or shower everyday. Brush your teeth in the morning and night. Flossing eliminates bad breath. Use mouthwash, as well. Always carry mints if your breath is stale

Took you 50+ years to learn that, chief?

Most people I know had all that down before we graduated high school.

R270- You cleanse yourself?

You sound like an older woman.

R274, yes I do. Wiping alone doesn’t totally eliminate the odor. If I sound like an older woman, so be it.

The guy clearly has problems far more serious than word choice R274, but yes.

R270- I had a friend from high school. I remember being at his house a few years after high school and he had body odor- his pits were wet but FAR worse than BO was his breath. He had DOG SHIT breath which went directly into my face. Bad breath is the most odious thing and the easiest to resolve.

I agree with a lot of this, about the sex, the self-esteem. it's odd as i walk into a room now and everyone wants my opinion, something I craved when I was 28. Now I don't care and often times clam up just to spite others. I'll give them my thoughts when I'm good and ready.

Also, sleep, good sleep, and less alcohol. not none, but limiting your alcohol intake is good for your BP, your looks, and mental health. plus, you can dish dirt on the friends who might drink more than you (looking at you millennials )

I have my quirks and can laugh at myself. I go overboard and admittedly so.

R270, R279- I'm just curious, how old are you?

But your post said Thursday R272

R281- It was mild and in the 50's on Friday as well but I meant to say Thursday temperatures were in the 50's.

R270- After a BOWEL MOVEMENT- you sound like a nurse

I say TAKE A CRAP

R280, I’ll be 59 next month.

Life's too short for chess.

R284- Thanks

There's a lucky sperm club.

R283, I’m inspired by John Waters; I hate the “brown word.”

Don't fall. No falling aloud. ( I'm reinforcing the earlier suggestion for good shoes that support your stability. They don't have to be dull. You can find a fun pair. Have the shoemaker put on thin rubber soles, so you don't slip. And find a pair a snow boots with small metal spikes.)

For creaky joints, diminished eyesight, and all things health: Patch, patch.

Get rid of toxic people.

Cultivate with thinking and activities that support vitality, joy, and possibility. What might have been natural at an earlier age requires tending and creating positive habits.

Accept your own humanity.

Yikes. "Allowed" not "aloud." And get a new pair of glasses: ) ( Note to self.)

How to read people better. Being able to spot red flags in behavior.

It’s hard-won knowledge, and makes me sound like an old crab if I say it out loud. “That one is gonna be trouble” “people really fall for that?”

R289 And get rid of slip rugs. Showering is safer than tubs. Avoid ladders. Don't rush to catch an elevator, crossing signal etc. In fact, better not to rush at all.

R292- You sound like a LITTLE OLD LADY.

Do you have a lot of cats?

A lot of seniors die of falls, r293.

R293 Of course I don't have cats. I might stumble over one.

R294- ANYONE who's on drugs can hit their head and die from that.

[Quote]Took you 50+ years to learn that, chief? Most people I know had all that down before we graduated high school.

R273 I think r270 was implying that you can no longer occasionally skip out on certain aspects of your hygiene after age 50. Some young people do that, believing that they don't particularly stink that day. After age 50, no one should believe that anymore, because body odors become more potent by then.

"odd as i walk into a room now and everyone wants my opinion"

R278 Just a warning - delusion is creeping up faster than your crusty panties.

People under thirty have no idea what to do with themselves without their phones and can't imagine life before the internet

They will never understand how you became you so don't try to educate them

That's because Every Single Person in the world under the age of 30 has the Exact Same Personality!!!

It is so funny how that works R299

I am not quite 50 yet. But one of the things I really do take comfort in is that I am so happy when I was born in the 70s and got to experience the world I go to experience. I have absolutely no desire to be a part of any younger generation. Of course facing the difficulties of getting older, everyone will face. I am just happy I got to experience so much happiness before the impact of loss hits.

R277 Really bad breath is actually more difficult to deal with than you think. A lot of times it could be something off internally that goes deeper than just the mouth. I had an older coworker whose breath could peel the bark off of a tree. No number of mints and mouthwash could help that. He was vegan and I believe the stench was coming from his stomach, his guts, all the way up.

As far as colognes, if you like wearing them, expensive ones are just as valuable as expensive shoes. Find your one scent for different seasons. I would highly suggest a version of Creed that works for you. Aventus is my personal favorite in the summer and Viking in the winter. It's about $425 a bottle. But one spritz will last the entire day - good cologne should be like this. I have gotten so many compliments on it, like strangers literally stopping in their tracks to ask me what I have on. It's not cloying or chemical smelling, it's pleasant, and just emanates in a pleasing way with your own body heat and chemistry.

I want to smell r301.

R139- That's good because I only shave on Tuesday nights and Friday nights.

One thing I WANT to learn, being over 50, what does R301 do for a living that he can spend $$425 on a bottle of cologne.

I honestly feel that I cannot afford a lot of things that people over 50 enjoy. I do make a decent living and definitely don't live a lavish lifestyle, yet I still keep saying "Can I really afford that". Hmmm....where did I go wrong?

How do you differentiate between cutting off toxic people and letting things go and keeping friends in your life? Not sure if that question makes sense but I feel like if I started cutting friends off for shitty behavior I would end up with no one left. And I’m already kind of lonely.

Maybe it’s better to just adjust my expectations and have boundaries with shitty behavior and try to meet new people? But not cut off?

I’m honestly not sure though. What do you wise people think? I value a lot of what is said on this thread. You bitches are very insightful and I thank you for sharing your wisdom with us.

R50, Where were you 20 years ago?! 😅 I'm 72, and only recently have realized the truth of what you say. I have collections of "stuff" in closet boxes (comics), on basement shelving (Jim Shore Christmas everything---lots!), in cabinets and drawers (Wedgwood; crystal wine glasses)---that I haven't looked at in years. Don't even get me started on my thousands of books (in fairness, half are my late husband's---two English teachers, fuhgeddaboutit!)!

Wow, r104. How much more of a warning example do you need?! Colonoscopies are nothing. Make a doctor's appt, drink the godawful liquid, and just do it!

That you don’t get social security benefits for whoring.

R308 but think of all the love and desire you received?

You are only young once...Definitely go out and enjoy yourself responsibly and safely...as much as possible.

R305, I'm always skeptical when I hear "toxic" people. My sister is a "cut out toxic people" person-she's done it (or threatened it) so often that the problem is clearly her. She has strange standards and regularly feels offended. It's not a recipe for a happy life.

As far as family goes, if they abused you (mentally, physically, sexually) then yes, they are or were bad and ending contact is probably best. (But hopefully you're in therapy; forgiveness can be healing.)

As for friends, what counts as toxic behavior? If they do something truly horrendous, why were you friends with them in the first place?

[quote] I feel like if I started cutting friends off for shitty behavior I would end up with no one left. And I’m already kind of lonely. Maybe it’s better to just adjust my expectations and have boundaries with shitty behavior and try to meet new people? But not cut off?

R305, it sounds like you're talking about old, established friends. It's hard to set new rules when old friends have been getting away with bad behavior. IME, easier to cut them off, deal with the initial loneliness, and look for new friends.

If you met a brand-new person, potential friend, you'd not accept shitty behavior. Yet, you're allowing your existing (old) friends to treat you shitty.

R293 You haven't been around old people much, have you. It so often starts with a fall. Maybe the fall itself doesn't do them in, but the incapacitation, sometimes surgery and recovery, do the job within a year or so.

That Denny's Senior Sunset Specials are only from 5pm to 630!

Just FYI.

Solid bowel movements are few and far between.

Some friends that used to drive me up the bend I totally get now r305. I just got out of myself and stopped taking their idiosyncrasies as somehow a personal offense that was about me. I’m annoying and fucked up about some stuff and so are they.

As morbid as this might sound, I base the rest of my life on this. I'm 52 right now, so IF I'M LUCKY, I have 20 summers left. Only 20. That means whatever the hell I think I'm going to accomplish each summer, the timer is ticking. I want to finally go on an African safari. I want to redo my back garden area. When? Which of my remaining summers? This summer, should I really go to my cousin's big 50th birthday bash in Vegas? That pretty much uses up my money/time for a summer vacation. Tick, tick, tick...

What are you talking about, R317? Do you think you will be disabled at the age of 72? Chronically ill? Maybe your snowboarding days will be over, but there's plenty left.

[quote]Be true to your teeth or they’ll be false to you!

ditto

my mom at 85 "dammit, if i knew i was gonna live so long, i would have spent more money on my teeth"

R317- I HATE summer. I would never assess my life based on how many summers are left to enjoy ( Which I NEVER enjoy because I HATE summer)

r317, An African safari is my dream vacation as well. I look into it every year and now realize that, at 50, I need to plan it sooner rather than later. I want to be in good physical condition when I travel…it’s going to be a long plane ride and I’d like to do some hiking as well. While I haven’t counted summers, I am planning ahead better so that I am never left with a vacation less year. Spain this summer, Alaska next summer (my partners choice). Africa will be in 2024, God willing.

As my grandmother used to lament: "Over 50, no day without pain." And boy was she right. Move too fast, twist the wrong way, sleep awkwardly and just old age brings those aches and pains you really can't appreciate until you are well into middle age.

In vino, ed mia nonna, veritas(Latin scholars mea culpa)

I love how much self-congratulation there is in this thread.

Thank you R311, R312 and R316.

Yes, but not smug self-congratulations, R323.

We’re the generation that didn’t have the luxury of PREP and had to skirt getting the AIDS other ways!

I’m turning 50 in May. Life really does move faster as you age. A lot of great advice here. My main goal this year is to quit my toxic job and move to a less expensive city. I’m tired of rat race, corporate America and all the BS that comes with it. The stress isn't worth it. I have a pretty good core group of friends… thankfully I rid myself of toxic assholes years ago.

Colonoscopies are not as safe as the AMA would have you believe -- they are an excellent procedure for those at risk, but they are also a huge money maker for doctors -- even ten years ago it was $50 BILLION business. Now it's much more than that (can't find the latest figures).

If you're not at risk, the colorectal home tests are easy, cheap, and all you need to do -- unless, of course, your test comes back positive, and then you must see a doctor.

Agree R305. I think the greater wisdom of age is not “learning how to cut people off” but learning how to accept people as they are without letting it affect you. Remaining connected to people is one of the biggest challenges of old age - when you are no longer working and surrounded by people. Very easy to become isolated. It’s one of the benefits of city living in old age IMO.

I'm reminded of the DL truism, When everyone you meet's an asshole, you're the asshole.

Start making new friends in your 40s because it becomes necessary (people dying or moving away, estrangement, etc) and it's harder to do as you get older. Have a mix of age groups.

The best way to be liked is to be likable.

Or lickable, R331.

I sit when I pee now.

OP You learned that black underwear trick after 50?

R323 you realize your own post is self-congratulation, right?

R317 is Carole Radziwill

I'm already dreading this summer

Why, R337? I dislike summer as well (prob. my least-favorite season). But interested to hear your take.

R338 hyperhidrosis

Another one who dislikes summer! It's muggy, the air feels stale and heavy (unlike the crisp Autumn/Winter air). The constant sweating. Ugh

Raised toilet seats.

Funny how one can tell the age of people posting by their mindset. Younglings heed this advice you will be old a helluva lot faster than u think. After you hit 40 it flys...

yes R342 hence why I'm keeping my eagle eyes on this thread at 42. It does fly by and there is good advice here.

I remember turning 30 and being so depressed because I was so old. Can you imagine?

...And another thing about summer (he says while spilling his drink) everyday has sunblasted frenetic energy without focus, like a Saturday afternoon. If you're someone who likes to run errands on off hours - there are no off hours! Just entire generations of families grocery shopping on a Tuesday morning

Cutting out sugar and caffeine was one of the best things I have done so far.

R317 There are winter, spring and fall, too. I actually prefer the weather in fall and spring. You might not get enough time off from work then, but there's time possibly before and after work and on your days off to do some great stuff. If you can swing traveling in the off-season, assuming one can travel given the pandemic, it's cheaper and less crowded and the locals tend to treat you better anyway. It's not just about summer -- although maybe you're a teacher. But still!

I figured out that I'm not going to change and should embrace my self as I am, warts and all, and then discovered that I had no warts. It was a figment of my insecure imagination.

If you see somebody crying, ask them if it’s because of their haircut.

Haha! that made me laugh.

It’s important to forgive yourself for past mistakes.

Figures DLers hate summer

And puppies

And ice cream

And motherhood

R317, Go to Vegas, enjoy the party and your relatives, gamble, gawk, and gallivant!

And work on your garden. Buy a gnome! Add roses! Get yourself a cool bench! Absorb some Vitamin D3!

I'm 72, and I figure on 20 more summers, too! 😁☀️

The word ‘gallivant’ should be added to the ‘list of words that only gay men say’ thread.

You're definitely not 50, R353. Stop self hating.

You will never again be as young as you are today.

Take photos; same principle as above.

You can lose your good health in a second; whatever you want to do (in a physical sense) do it now. Tomorrow it will be more difficult.

R351 what?

I learned that I have no friends. Literally. I'm completely alone in this world.

R357 It may be because you use the word "literally."

R357 dont feel bad. When my mother goes (what a cliche) I also will be alone in the world. I was always a very social person and had tons of friends,and a core group of about 12 who I just knew were my ride or die friends. Then I had a heart attack. A month later i had another one. Those "friends" evaporated like smoke. Only one came and saw me in the hospital,and only one called me in the hospital. These were people I partied with,went to their weddings,baby sat,went to all their stupid kids birthday parties ,etc. I was always there for them. And at my darkest hour,when I was terrified and sick,I was alone(except family) . It opened my eyes ,I can tell you that. I punched and deleted every single one of those fucks and I have zero regrets. Oh I get lonely sometimes ,and miss the way I used to feel,but it passes. Just be good to other people,do nice things for a stranger,give a homeless person $10 ,and your life will have meaning. At least for a minute,at least to the person you were kind to. What more can you ask for really?

Oh I forgot to add that R358 is a cunt. Literally.

I like your story and lesson, even though you called me a cunt.

I learned that your circle of friends shrinks considerably as you get older, and that's OK. They're older and tired, too. Old age is not supposed to be a party, which I think a lot of people, especially gay men, erroneously imagined it would continue to be. Hopefully you learned to be your own best company over the years so that spending a lot of time by yourself doesn't feel like torture.

More good news to come later, I'm going to have dinner now.

We all watch Golden Girls. Of course we think old age is supposed to be a party.

I'm sorry R359-...People really SUCK!!

I would know.....Phillywhore

[quote] Yes, but not smug self-congratulations, R323.

You're actually calling yourself "Eldersage," and yet you're saying you're somehow innocent of "smug self-congratulations"??

This thread is way less self-congratulatory than other threads, e.g., the financial advice threads.

R366 Well, if you've put away some nice cash for your retirement and always resisted the temptation to spend spend spend then you're probably going to pat yourself on the back.

But ageing alone is nothing to feel good about.

"In Brooklyn, the overall number is considerably lower, at 29.5 percent, and Queens is 26.1. But on the whole, in New York City, one in three homes contains a single dweller, just one lone man or woman who flips on the coffeemaker in the morning and switches off the lights at night."

[quote]I'm completely alone in this world.

R357 So am I. So are probably 40%+ of DLers. One of the reasons we're all here.

[quote] But ageing alone is nothing to feel good about.

I have no problem with it. I have been in enough difficult relationships to actually feel liberated now that I'm single.

It seems to me that people who have never been in a LTR feel more alone when they age than those of us who were but I don't miss having someone else in the house one bit.

Find the right balance between cultivating friends and family relationships versus removing toxic people from your life. There’s a difference between annoying personality foibles and true character flaws. I was too hard on a few people in the past and regret losing the friendships. A few others I should have ditched earlier. There’s no one truth to this.

Add me, r369.

[quote]"...one in three homes contains a single dweller, just one lone man or woman who flips on the coffeemaker in the morning and switches off the lights at night."

Amusing the gloss on 'single dweller': as though to be voiced to melancholy music, then ending with how and where to send much-needed donations.

Well done R373.

And yes

big hugs to you R359.

We've touched on this before, but the death of the long telephone conversation has certainly increased loneliness, at least for me. Many of us grew up at a time when teenage years were spent glued to the phone chatting away.

MANTINENCE.

Doesn't eat, shit or die.

[quote]the death of the long telephone conversation...

Is perhaps exaggerated. To my surprise I know two or three people who sometimes like that immersion for at least an hour. Time melts, and it's fun.

Not smug about it because one long-form chatter has gone a bit ghosty on me, but in good times she could unload for two hours. Another has evolved from sex chat to current affairs, fun in a different way. Finally I'm lucky to be on good enough terms with my brother for a Sunday catch-up once a month. Just as well, as he's my only remaining family.

No real reason for text blips to dominate. And you don't even need to look presentable for voice-to-voice interaction.

[quote] Things You Learn After 50

Time to finalize your final arrangements. The crypt keeper is just around the corner.

Not to spend $200 on silk socks.

R379 Drunk writing again

R117- It sounds like my sex drive is stronger than yours and I'm 56 years old.

R376- Not all of us were 13 year old girls.

I am 68 and would say that in the last 5 years several of my long term friends (20+, 30+ years) have written me off. And I too have written off a few of my very long term friends. As far as the people who wrote me off, I no longer live in the same city as any of them (I have moved away) but each one said something during our last conversation that led me to believe it would be the last time I was going to hear from them. And it was.

It’s so much easier to just retreat from the world - but eventually you need people.

R385, It might have been your breath.

R387 No it was probably talking about all your aches and pains, your recent surgery, your mother's funeral, getting that will re-written, your Social Security and 401(k) computations, the dread of developing Alzheimer's like your dad, friends dying off, regrets over roads not taken, your aches and pains, your recent surgery . . .

Honestly, that'd be my last conversation with you, too.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

A lot of people don't realize that kidney function declines for nearly everyone as they age into their 70s and 80s and many of us already have some degree of kidney disease when we are in our 60s. . One side effect of kidney function decline is that people sweat out uric acid. So part of the old age odor that people encounter is urea on the skin surface. (It comes out in sweat and then recrystalizes on the skin suface). It's just one of many reasons to continue to shower daily as we age.

TYLA50:

---That looking forward to the daily Wordle is more fun than contemplating going out.

---That it's too late to be a prodigy.

---That it doesn't matter what strangers at the beach think of you.

---That strangers at the beach aren't thinking of you.

---That you should have learned to play a musical instrument that didn't involve an embouchure.

the more we need friends the harder it is to stand other people

I am my own best friend.

I just masturbated to something on the internet- JEALOUS BITCHES?!

Lol r394.

What do people think of the Atlantic article from R392. I found it hard to get through but some good points were made. I couldn’t follow what was going on with the main fraus she kept writing about who documented the breakdown of their friendship.

It's hard not to be grumpier as you age, that's why you have to fight it. Try to stay flexible in your thinking despite a lifetime of experience. Rigid thinking is the child of rigor mortis.

That was a great article, at r392. It was also my last free one. Damn, I’m sick of buying subscriptions, but I might have to bite the bullet. Maybe I’ll cancel NYTimes.

R396 There's nothing fictional about Victor Meldrew.

R305, not quite 50 here yet, but one important lesson I have learned when it comes to friendships is to learn the difference between a fun friend and a good friend. A fun friend is a good time, a good friend is a lasting relationship. You can have both, and both can be called friends. Just because someone isn't hitting on all the cylinders of being a great friend isn't a reason to get rid of them. Friends serve different reasons. It is important to be able to recognize other people's limitations when it comes to being a good friend. That will help you to delegate what part of your personal circle of friendship they fall in. I have very few, maybe only one friend, who I would call a close friend - other than my husband. And that close friend and I barely stay in contact except a couple of times a year, but it's always such great easy time and she has been in my life forever.

I remember getting upset over people who I considered good friends at the time who weren't there for me when I needed them. But if I step back and look at the friendship overall, there were always signs that they would never be that person. If I was that person to them, that is on me. But usually people show you exactly who they are very early on. Also watch how they talk about other people with you, knowing full well that's how they'll eventually end up talking about you to someone else. So you can keep a friend without labelling them toxic. You just have to know how close or distant from you heart to keep them and you'll usually always enjoy their company and never be disappointed by them.

To me a toxic friend is not just someone who has done something heinous to you. A toxic friend is someone who only takes from you with no regard of bringing anything to the relationship. Some friends make you laugh your ass off, others are great to commiserate with, some are just so bright you enjoy learning from them. Toxic friends are one way streets - something that becomes easier to recognize immediately as you get older - just always check in with how much they are actually interested in who you are as a person, or your own personal growth - to the same degree that you are with them.

I call these friends "Motion Detector Friends." They only come on when you initiate contact or when something they need from you turns their friendship on.

It may be sad but it's a fact of life - people retreat from the sick and the old. It's not because you failed in any way but because the animal in us makes us get away from what it perceives as decay.

It's not a coincidence they say "the world belongs to the young". Unfortunately for the young, one day they'll be old too.

then people need, as always, to fight that animal limbic system tendency of avoiding older adults

re: Friends

In many friendships, one person falls into the role of planner and, guys in particular are not big on making plans. Too often on DL I read about people writing off a friend because "they never initiate plans! Hisss!!!"

Seems short-sighted to my 37-year old eyes.

If the friend responds enthusiastically whenever you suggest getting together, offers suggestions as to what you might do and the shows up every time, then why make a big deal out of it. It's hard enough to find people you really want to be around.

R399- This is for you

[quote] then people need, as always, to fight that animal limbic system tendency of avoiding older adults

I think many do. Just don't be shocked when they don't and don't blame yourself. It's not YOU they're staying away from.

[quote]---That you should have learned to play a musical instrument that didn't involve an embouchure.

I beg your pardon, sir. It takes many hours of practice and a heightened sensitivity to become skilled with the skin flute. The ones who can suppress the gag reflex are virtuosi.

[quote] That you should have learned to play a musical instrument that didn't involve an embouchure

Why? Is it because of the lines and wrinkles blowing into an embouchure causes to occur around the mouth?

To R403....Thanks for the Bette Midler song, Friends was always one of my favorites! It brings back great memories.

Love doesn't always look like you envisioned in your head.

I've got the best man I've ever met in my life - he's wonderful in all ways: handsome, great body, caring, fun, energetic, curious about the world, great sex, financially stable and he loves me sooo much.

I can't believe my luck. BUT - he's 12 years older than me, HIV+, and ex-military. Now none of those things matter to me now - but if you would have mentioned those items years ago, I don't know how I would have responded.

Did I mention he's still the best guy and it gets better - even after 5 years?

Yes, I'm bragging a bit - but you can't be so strict in what love should look like or what wrapper it's going to come in. There are far too many gay men unnecessarily alone.

52 here. Lesbian.

Take care of yourself when you are young because once you hit 50 if you are not in good health already, you will start to feel it. Stay on top of your doctors appointments...get the recommended check ups including your colonoscopy. I just found out I have breast cancer and I had been remiss in getting my mammograms since Covid. I went an got one last November and they found the tumor. Thankfully, it's stage one.

Get out of debt as soon as you can. Debt is slavery. I got out about 5 years ago and it's so great not worrying about money anymore.

Never date someone who has never lived alone. Living alone as an adult is something everyone needs to experience to know that you can be alone with no issues. It's hard sometimes, but so worth it. I have lived alone my entire life, never Uhauled it with anyone and am grateful for my life experiences alone because I have learned how to really take care of myself.

And I never thought I'd say this, but love can and does happen after 50. I have been single for 8 years and just recently have met a woman that I already know is "the one." It's the strangest, most scary thing I've ever experienced. But it's been a godsend during this cancer shit as she's the most beautiful distraction from it all.

Gay men are notorious for smoking, drinking and using drugs more than usual. How many of the 50+s here changed their habits, and when....?

R410, I turned 50 in June and quit drinking in July. I was drinking 1-2 bottles of wine (or 4-6 martinis some nights) daily for 25 years. Happy hours 3 days a week, Sunday brunch, a couple nice dinners out with friends weekly. My liver panels were elevated and I was slowly gaining weight, so I quit. My social life has suffered (I have none anymore) but I look and feel great. My blood draws last month were amazing. My cholesterol is down, I’ve lost over 20 pounds, and liver levels are now within normal levels. It’s nice to know that the damage can be undone. I still have weed edibles from time to time.

r410, going on 53 here

I stopped usually nearly all recreational drugs when i stopped clubbing, around 31 or so.

I stopped smoking at forty on the dot, cold turkey, i still feel the cravings.

I've stuck with drinking but drink a third of what I did at my peak in possibly my twenties or early thirties. that I've done simply by cutting back, my body now tells me when i've had enough

It's ok to be completely ordinary. I let go of a lot of angst and was much more satisfied with my own life when I realized this.

Live your life for you not other people's expectations. Do what makes you happy.

r410, I quit drugs in 1978, after a nasty Valium withdrawal. Then I stopped drinking in 1983. Smoking followed in 1986 (after at least four prior attempts). I don't miss any of these things, though my thoughts will occasionally turn to fantasies of Quaaludes or a glass of Brunello di Montalcino (just typing the latter name makes said fantasy hard to let go of).

God I LOVED Quaaludes ! Hadnt thought about those in years. If I found some I might be forced to take one just to see if they were as fabulous as I remember.

I'm sure you can buy them in Mexico....however the only country where they are sold is in South Africa. I never took downers, only 80's meth(crank) and speed pills(black beauties& other speed pills)

what kind of high do you get with Quaaludes?

R417 For me it was a very mellow,relaxing high. You did have to be careful on how many you took,because it was known to cause blackouts if you over did the ludes or the booze. I had a few on them. One morning waking up on a beach in Key West after overdoing it 2 days before in N. Fl ! To this day I dont know how I got there or who I was with.

At 49 I cut way back on drinking. Found myself going to the gay bar 3x week. At some point it became too much - sick of hangovers. I rarely go out now. Much healthier but much less social too.

Gossip. This is a recent discovery. I started avoiding gossip and friends & work associates who gossip a lot. Yes, it's titillating to find out "what's happening," but gossip sessions always left me feeling agitated and negative.

I'm in a text group with my siblings and cousins. They post all kinds of photos and report all kinds of good news. There's only one (cousin) who will actually report something bad that happened. No, I don't want to hear bad news all the time. But I realize that I simply cannot believe everything, even from my own family. Nobody is being honest and you really can't compare your insides to other people's outsides.

I quit smoking cold turkey on my 25th birthday in 1977 and have never touched a cigarette since.

But, if I'm out in public and walk by someone smoking, the smell is so tempting.

R414-You were a MESS

I now have to shave with my glasses on.

Fortunately for me, I never much cared for booze and dope. The boys, that was another thing.

R424- Broadway doesn't care for BOOZE or DOPE either

Wow- sorry for the bullets- but have loved reading this thread- really one of the reasons I stick with DL:

27- thoughtful and lovely

123- truthful and incisive

152- yes- stretch like sally o’malley. It really helps.

188/212- very sorry to hear- that can’t be easy and hope you’re taking care of yourself. Sounds like you’re doing alright though!

191- ‘normal’ you sound super cool- good advice and level headed. And even for me to keep up with this thread I’m taking notes!

317- totally agree with you- I’m slightly younger, married, and we’ve lived selfishly as fuck- because we aren’t interested in bucket lists- gotta do it when you can. For example I know for a fact I wouldn’t be able to do the walk up the mountain/hill behind the treasury at Petra now. I’m so glad I did it on my own two feet- no donkey- and when I reached the top- was really worth it. So my advice is simply do what you can when you can…

359- Ufff so sorry to hear that- but you sound like you have solid self respect and did the right thing. No one has time for that kinda crap.

363- Golden Girls are essential.

371- good, balanced advice on the subject of friendship and who to keep in your life

399- that is some solid and thoughtful advice/observations as well

409- wow- that is really awesome- good for you on both counts! So nice to see some positive pockets here! Keep up with your good health- that is great!

411- good on you!!!! Well done!

And Jesus- when I think about it- I’ve been on DL now for 22 years. Phew. Clearly lots of change and still pointless bitchery and weird shit- but even when I think about that time it’s flown- and I can’t believe I’m as old as I am (obviously time goes on) I must be suffering from early dementia because I still love the Datalounge.

R426, if you put an R before those post references, we could know what you're referring to.

[Quote][R426], if you put an R before those post references, we could know what you're referring to.

Wow- sorry for the bullets- but have loved reading this thread- really one of the reasons I stick with DL:

R27- thoughtful and lovely

R123- truthful and incisive

R152- yes- stretch like sally o’malley. It really helps.

R188 / r212- very sorry to hear- that can’t be easy and hope you’re taking care of yourself. Sounds like you’re doing alright though!

R191- ‘normal’ you sound super cool- good advice and level headed. And even for me to keep up with this thread I’m taking notes!

R317- totally agree with you- I’m slightly younger, married, and we’ve lived selfishly as fuck- because we aren’t interested in bucket lists- gotta do it when you can. For example I know for a fact I wouldn’t be able to do the walk up the mountain/hill behind the treasury at Petra now. I’m so glad I did it on my own two feet- no donkey- and when I reached the top- was really worth it. So my advice is simply do what you can when you can…

R359- Ufff so sorry to hear that- but you sound like you have solid self respect and did the right thing. No one has time for that kinda crap.

R363- Golden Girls are essential.

R371- good, balanced advice on the subject of friendship and who to keep in your life

R399- that is some solid and thoughtful advice/observations as well

R409- wow- that is really awesome- good for you on both counts! So nice to see some positive pockets here! Keep up with your good health- that is great!

R411- good on you!!!! Well done!

And Jesus- when I think about it- I’ve been on DL now for 22 years. Phew. Clearly lots of change and still pointless bitchery and weird shit- but even when I think about that time it’s flown- and I can’t believe I’m as old as I am (obviously time goes on) I must be suffering from early dementia because I still love the Datalounge.

R427 and R428 (Good Samaritan). Thank you!

Just throw in the towel, and give up

That sometimes, the worst things you could ever think about someone could be true. It breaks your heart.

You already have everything you need inside you. Life is the process of polishing away the things that keep your true self from shining through. You don’t need to compare yourself to others.

I don’t need any more stuff!

No, r406. It's because for brass instruments and their mouthpieces it's a matter of "Use it, or lose it." (I have no knowledge of woodwinds and reeds.)

After playing the trombone for 9 years, I found that after just a year off (aka, college) my embouchure was gone, and I couldn't play a note. Could not, IOW, re-form my lips to produce any sound.

Back to Square One, so I gave it up. Still have the trombone, though, over 50 years later!

I will never meet Mr. Right

You don't need a MR RIGHT, you need to find a Mr. Right now, who will stay the night. Maybe six months, they are called Fuckbuddies.

I recommend them Highly!!

There comes a point in life where someone you know pretty well starts dying about every 3 weeks. Pay attention, take the hint.

I will never be anything more than I am now.

We are all old and young. Those who are young now are on their way to becoming old. Those who are old now were once young. No one is only one thing.

You don't want to live forever.

Love yourself if you want to be loved.

Being in love is a high that feels much better than being loved. Only the lucky can have both. Most can have either/or--the fantasy or the reality.

R442- That's one thing I'm highly skilled at ( from many years of practice)

DAYDREAMING

Amen R443. Same.

That your metabolism doesn't stay the same as in your 20s, 30s, or even 40s and that's why I have such respect for celebs who stay stick thin way into their 50s, 60s and so on. Jane Fonda or Helen Mirren would come to mind.

Brain cells die. Skin cells die. Fat cells have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior, because they live forever.

R445 to be fair they have access to the best treatments, food, workouts and plastic surgery that money can buy.

I feel like we would all be skinny kings if we had the money and access to shit that Jane Fonda and Helen Mirren have?

You need to realize that when you pass age 50 your metabolism is noticeably slower that it was at age 40. However you can considerably lower your excess weight and increase your health and your life expectancy by permanently changing your eating lifestyle to Healthy Keto. I didn't come to terms with this until age 60. I am now 50 pounds lighter and am once again able to do things I had stopped doing 15 years ago.

R447 Then how do you explain Oprah? And she owns a fairly big percentage of WW (Weight Watchers) as well!

Oprah looks pretty great for her age? She’s not stick thin but she looks fine? She would have to starve herself to look like some skinny white woman. Also skinny white women start looking extremely haggard if they aren’t careful.

r450 Why? The? Question marks?

R451 MARY I was treading lightly because some people in these parts have strong feelings about what a fat whore Oprah is. I wasn’t upspeaking, more presenting questions because while I think she looks good in terms of her weight, perhaps I’m just another BIG FAT WHORE who doesn’t know of what he speaks. I would take Oprah over a scrawny bird faced skinny Holly Hunter any day.

Enjoy collecting "stuff" if it makes you happy, but it's not a bad Idea to trim and refine it from time to time and buy something a bit more special. Better one fabulous painting than two okay ones. Memories of ephemeral vacations and concerts fade, but great objects and the memories they contain will last forever.

[quote] I feel like we would all be skinny kings if we had the money and access to shit that Jane Fonda and Helen Mirren have?

R447 Helen is very very, petite and Jane has acknowledged having an eating disorder that she allegedly overcame but, honestly, how do you stay stick thin if don't make yourself dislike food at least a tiny bit.

LOL @ R446. Summed up perfectly!

Skinny people aren't always healthy people. They sometimes eliminate a food group which contains essential vitamins and minerals. No matter how many vitamins you take, you can't make up for what you're not eating.

Oprah is probably at a healthy weight for her height and age. I'm 5'2" and female. My doctor set my ideal weight at 150 lbs. She said this will get me off my BP and cholesterol pills. That is my healthy weight. Personally, I was thinking she was going to tell me I need to weigh nor more than 110 lbs. because of my height (or lack thereof). According to the attached article from the American Cancer Society, my doctor's recommendation will put me in the overweight category.

r450 Bettheny Frankel comes to mind. Bettheny is almost 20 years younger than Oprah yet look like contemporaries. Bettheny is 51, Oprah 68.

[quote]Bettheny Frankel comes to mind.

Bethenny

[quote]Bettheny

Bethenny

[quote]Bettheny

Bethenny

R456 Weight isn't only for height but also considers your body type. At 5'2" unless you are a endomorph you should be considerably below 150.

[quote] Oprah is probably at a healthy weight for her height and age. I'm 5'2" and female. My doctor set my ideal weight at 150 lbs.

Oprah is *not* at a healthy weight for her height and age. She's lucky that she has a small waist in proportion to her chest & hips, but she's overweight.

150 lbs. at 5'2" is definitely overweight. You'll be huffing and puffing and at risk for heart failure.

This is common sense. Why not see what a 2nd doctor has to say.

R460- That's because Oprah LOVES her food.

🍔🍕🍟🌭🥨🥐🥞🍖🍗🥩🍠🥟🥠🍤🍣

You hefty gals are da kweens of de Nile! A hundred fifty pounds is about forty pounds too much on a 5'2" frame. And as for Oprah....

20 to 25 pounds too much R462. Older ladies need padding around their hips for safety.

BMI is bullshit. It's actually good to carry a little extra weight as you age. It pads your bones in falls and gives your body something to survive on if you are incapacitated for a while in the hospital. The super skinny people actually don't do as well with longterm illness. They have no energy reserves.

LOL at the headline at R462. Oprah's presence at that wedding was (and I'm putting myself at risk of sounding like a Cluster B-obsessed frau here) an early red flag.

Oprah had already probably been promised an interview with Meghan and Harry, so she had a connection, just not an obvious one back then to some.

It’s time to give birth.

At 65, it doesn't get better. It gets worse.

Get that Japanese persimmon soap if you’re afraid of “old man smell”….I recommend it to everyone who fucking smells!

Don't get the patchouli soap, though. IMO, it always smells like "old man." It's so damn pungent, you (I) wonder what the hell kind of smells you're trying to camouflage.

150 pounds for 5'2 is fucking fat!

She has heavy bones, r471.

[quote] I will never meet Mr. Right

Oprah did this to you when she popularized the concept of "Soulmate." Oprah's soulmate isn't Gayle or some guy. It's bread. Not Mr. Right. Mr. Rye. But she never told you this so now you are longing for something promised only in movies and books.

Me and Oprah have the same soulmate. Huh.

I would say that after 50 the two main things you learn is what loss feels like and that you no longer have enough time to correct bad decisions.

The losses come thick and fast after 50 - status, dreams, career possibilities, deaths of family, friends and associates, aspects of your health and your looks, and more.

Knowing you no longer have the time to correct mistakes has both positive and negative aspects. On the one hand, you weigh your decisions more carefully and make better choices, because you have your own and others' experiences to draw on. But you take way fewer risks out of fear, and this narrows your life from novelty, potential pleasure, and excitement.

A second childhood for those who remember how to play--new hobbies, freedom, more confidence-- if you find your happiness at home.

You’re so right, R476. Very good insight.

R464, I have enough extra padding for TWO emergency hospital visits.

“Emergency Liposuction!

I started taking Huperzine in the morning and it really helps me stay more calm during the day

What do people take to get a goods nights sleep, can I ask? That will be my undoing as I get older I know it - not enough sleep.

Don’t waste your life in a miserable job, find something that makes you happy and put your all into it…50 is not too old to change your life

What do you wise DLers think of the soulmate thing beyond it not existing in real life?

I agree the concept is bullshit (except maybe for a lucky handful of people), but then I'm wondering what the answer is. Do you find someone you can live with and whose company you generally enjoy? Or do you live alone because it's not worth it otherwise?

Also R451, I have been making an effort to post without using all my question marks (I actually corrected another post I just wrote because of the question mark issue) so I'm listening to what you said MARY.

Everything makes you fart.

I'm invisible to not only younger guys but even guys in their 40's and 50's.

R483, I also am not convinced by the whole soulmate thing. I would imagine that few gay men are, in fact. It seems to me that the only solution (as far as companionship goes; sex can be another matter) is to find someone with whom you can get along and have a good time. Better that than pining away after a perfect soulmate when one doesn't even believe in soulmates.

R486- Is that same thing as holding out for Mr. Right or is a Soul Mate more absurd?

There is no such thing as a soul mate. If you look at the population of the world, it's silly to think that out of 8 billion people, someone's soul mate just happened to be working in the cubicle next to them. There are many different people over the course of one's life you can share and create a life with. A life partner is a good friend, best friend, that you are sexually attracted to, period. The fortunate thing, as gay men, we can share common interests with our partners - its easier to build a life with someone you consider a good friend.

Piggybacking off of what r484 said, I am convinced there are two types of people in the world and your partner has to be the same as you. There are Fart People, and Non Fart People. A successful relationship only exists if BOTH of you find farts either funny or gross. And in my experience Fart People have the best, happiest relationships of all with each other.

My soul is too complex to have a mate.

True soul mates are rare. Being with someone you have mutual respect and love and you share many interests with is great, but even that takes work.

R490- because being in a (successful) relationship requires one to make a lot of sacrifices

To the DLers in happy longterm relationships after 50 years old - what kind of ongoing work do you feel like you have to do to keep it successful?

R492, How many of these happy longterm relationships are open relationships?

R492 Don't take your partner for granted. Don't get stale. Don't let yourself go physically.

A blazer is useful in disguising sweat marks, love handles, and big bellies.

I once had an Hour Glass figure. Now the sands have shifted.

In my 30's if I figured out you had a big dick I would've chased you down.

Now? Pass me another eclair.

People remember negative comments more than positive so say 20 positive things for every one negative. You have never been together too long for love notes or date night.

go to a therapist and get all of the toxic, petty crap and trauma OUT and GONE for once and for all; don't gossip about anyone you care about, it comes back to get you; have a good dentist, and doctors and go every year and keep up on medical care; get rid of any debt; go someplace new every year; keep up on technology

[quote][R280], I’ll be 59 next month.

OMG me too R284.

I learned that you're going to get old much faster than you ever possibly imagined and all the privileges of youth will be gone forever.

You better have saved your pennies.

I’ve been kind of down about exactly that lately, r501. I still feel 20 much of the time. I assumed that I would be wiser and not so vain now that I’m 50. I’m just as stupid and vain as ever. If anything, life seems even more meaningless now, because I know that it is only downhill from here on out.

Great advice R499

r493, spoken like someone who still puts sex in front of everything. One thing I've learned is emotional fidelity is ten times more important than sexual fidelity. That doesn't mean you should have an open relationship. But it also means that there are things 10 times worse than someone cheating on you sexually, and ultimately it doesn't matter. I can walk down the street and see ten people I would probably have sex with and absolutely no one I'd want to share my life with.

r492 It isn't easy. If you're in a relationship with someone long term, that probably means you have each grown into different people. You have to work on the ways you two can still grow together as people. And in my case I know there is absolutely no one who knows me better - the person I was and the work it took to become the person I am. It takes a lot of sacrifice and that's where love comes in. You have to remember the role that person has played in who you've become and vice versa.

Stop working once you’re able. I’m 56 and the thought of no income is scary but I have enough to maintain my lifestyle, and once you are financially set, it makes no sense to continue sacrificing your time on energy on work bullshit. No one should have claim on your time!

Consider investing in therapy. I’ve started retirement by working with a therapist to adapt and to address those aspects of my life that add stress or aren’t as fulfilling as they could be. Any time you are spending with negative people or in a stressful mindset is a terrible shame.

[quote]in a stressful mindset

Are you in CA?

As a Frau, let me tell you something about those very thin aged female celebrities, or even the Bethany Frankels of the wealthy world: Breast augmentation.

Adipose tissue is adipose tissue, and one cannot pinpoint fat loss.

It's important to stay curious, to remain engaged with the world.

Keep picking up new skills and your brain will thank you for the exercise.

Travel while you still have the energy.

Express gratitude and forgiveness. Life is short.

Have fun.

Soulmate, Mr. Right, The One.

Considering the world population of 7.9 billion people, it is ridiculous to think there's one guy out there and you'll be able to meet him.

It's a recipe for misery to believe in a soulmate.

IMO, this is what's necessary for a relationship where 2 people reside together, romantically:

1. Both have to be willing to compromise on a LOT of things.

2. Sexual chemistry, at least the beginning.

3. Similar attitudes about money & spending.

4. No children from previous relationships living in the house, even part-time.

You really need to take the time to examine yourself when you get angry.

Where is it coming from? Is it a pattern? Is it related to something from long ago? I once heard to treat anger or other emotion like a fish that jumped up out of the water into your lap. It's not about controlling it, but flipping the script of your ingrained response to it. I worked with a wonderful French woman who was the manager of a fine dining restaurant and admired that she could "sidestep" anger, not absorb it. Sober people learn how to as well, they NEED to if they want to stay sober.

It's your responsibly if you are to live happily and into a golden old age that you manage anger and emotion.

Thank You, ElderSage

Great insight, R509

As a young person, I was often angry, flared up easily. Through therapy I learned that anger was my go to emotion, because I preferred to feel that rather than vulnerability. It was a tool I used to avoid dealing with my own issues, and to protect myself from others. Many years later, I am seldom truly angry.

Now there's a piece of advice. If you are consistently dealing with emotional issues and have difficulty with relationships, seek help and actively participate. The few years and money I spent in my early thirties were well worth it.

r511, were there resources that particularly helped with anger?

I am nearing 50 and my anger still flares and I say things I regret. I have taken it down a notch from my rageaholic father but the amount of anger I carry is still toxic and causes harm to me.

R511

The most helpful was therapy. Once I was no longer doing that, I began to meditate. I found it difficult to do alone, so I took a group class. The teacher was excellent, at end of first session, we wrote down our intentions for growth. It may sound hokey, and it was something I never imagined doing. I did that for a few years on and off. Now, I sometimes meditate for 15 minutes each morning.

About 20 years ago, I saw a biofeedback therapist for some sessions. I had an autoimmune disorder and the symptoms were difficult. Our sessions included talking about how I was feeling when symptoms flared, and then biofeedback exercises which centered on breathing. She told me she often worked with teenagers who had emotional problems. Something I took away from that time, was how unnecessary some of my reactions were. My emotions were triggering physical responses. She would say, will whatever you are concerned/upset/angry about matter in a months time? No, then stop. Another bit of advice was to never let your circle of concern exceed your circle of influence. We spend a lot of time emotionally investing in things we have no possibility of changing or affecting.

I see this rambling answer is likely more than you asked for. Shorter, If you are unable to spend time and money this way, there are many biofeedback tapes and programs online. That may be a place to start. Read about it, and see if it is for you.

R513 can you speak more about this?

"Another bit of advice was to never let your circle of concern exceed your circle of influence. We spend a lot of time emotionally investing in things we have no possibility of changing or affecting."

Thank you - I am finding this very helpful.

I'm OP and shocked we're almost at 600 posts... the party only just started!

[quote] never let your circle of concern exceed your circle of influence

Genius. I will carry this with me. I already feel the same way but it is perfectly worded. I've already texted it to my mother who is constantly watching the news, getting into arguments with this family member or other over politics. She talks about it like her life is in the balance. And I always say, "Mom, what does this even have to do with you, your day to day relationships?" She is turning off people who love her and want to support her because she takes things that she can't change or affect so personally.

My granddad had a saying to a similar effect: "If I had some ham, I'd have a ham sandwich, if I had some bread..."

R513 here

Seems like other posters have elaborated on circles of concern and circles of influence.

For example, a relative who is engaging in self destructive behavior. You may be annoyed or appalled at what is going on, worrying over it and stewing. Circle of concern. What can you do? You might speak with them, point them toward places they can get help/support. Let them know you care. That you will support their effort to gain solid ground. That is your circle of influence. What you cant do is control their choices and actions, or really direct them.

For myself, I really have to mind this in relation to my dismay at the Trump hold on our politics. I keep informed, but have decided that my level of attention (circle of concern) will not overcome my influence on the problem. I donate to various candidates and action committees, also the ACLU since I believe our civil rights are in danger. I have joined a few local protests. I vote. I have contacted members of Congress. I keep myself away from rabid magas. One day I may find myself in a larger demonstration. That's my circle of influence.

Thank you for clarifying R513 - now that makes sense.

LOVE that.

R359: you mention a lot of things you went to/did for your friends that make it sound like they were all straight. Is that right? I think there’s a lesson there for us as gay men to make sure we invest in our friendships and relationships with other gay men. As when the chips are down, straight friends with kids will always have way more distractions and people (ie kids and grandkids) that they prioritise than we will.

R513: adding my thanks for this advice too: ‘never let your circle of concern exceed your circle of influence’. It’s so brilliantly puts into different words the whole ‘learn to let go of things you can’t change’ way of thinking.

Black underwear? Do you shit your pants a lot?

I'm in my 40s now... for those of you over 50, what would you do with this person... We've been friends for about 20 years. Maybe 6 years ago, he cut me off for a year and a half because I spent time with our mutual friends while he was out of town. He didn't cut off the other mutual friends - just me. After time passed, I reached out and said - do you want to put this behind us and move on? He said yes and we never acknowledged what happened, he never apologized for cutting me off, but I figured we've been friends for so long - why hold grudges, etc. We have similar cultural interests - he's good for going to plays and concerts with and we have similar taste in television/movies/etc.

In the past 6 months or so - he's started telling me about plans he makes with our mutual friends that never include me. It makes feel like shit, but he's been going thru some stuff with his parents being very ill, so I haven't confronted him because that feels petty. Since we started speaking again though, he will only spend time with me if it's the two of us - he still refuses to include me in anything involving that group of friends that led to him cutting me off, so I have to see them all separately. One of them recently told me he hasn't mentioned my name since 6 years ago, when he was out of town and got angry because I saw them without him.

Would you distance yourself and cut this person off? Am I overreacting? It's not like we are dating - he has every right to make plans without me, just feels strange when it's with mutual friends and he makes a point of telling me about it. He's very closed off emotionally (hence the ghosting of one of your best friends), so it's not the type of friend I feel comfortable being very direct with. And I guess part of me is scared he will cut me off again - which was pretty traumatic- not to be a MARY - but yeah.

Anyone had similar experiences? What did you do?

R527, life is too short to waste your time with toxic people. Stop excusing his bad behavior, there is no justification for it. Cut him out of your life and move on.

As I was typing that out, I started coming to the same conclusion R522. It felt pathetic even explaining the situation.... I just don't want to be one of those people who cuts everyone off and is left lonely, but with people like this - is that even truly a friendship?

Anyway... thanks.

I have a friend like that, r521. He gets oddly territorial about friendships, and is jealous whenever I hang out with people that he considers ‘his’ friends (people he introduced me to years ago). He is just insecure, I guess. I really don’t understand it, and when I brought it up to mutual friends they just laughed it off and lovingly called him a funny drama Queen. Luckily, he moved to another city a few years ago, so it’s less of an issue now. I don’t know if I could handle the friendship if we lived in the same city anymore. I don’t have the patience that I used to.

I'm a couple years away from 50 so maybe something ill change in the next couple of years but the "don't let your circle of worry be bigger than your circle of influence" thing seems like a recipe for nothing ever changing or getting better in the world. How is it different than the good ol' Barb Bush "don't worry my pretty little mind" thing? How is it not just throwing up your hands and saying "oh, well, not my problem"?

So many of you embraced it so quickly but it just seems very cynical and Republican in nature. Their "I've got mine, fuck you" worldview is the same thing using less pretty sentiment.

It’s from the seven habits of highly effective people and it just means that you should invest your energies in areas where your actions could potentially have an impact. Lots of political activities can have an impact, but obsessing about it at home by yourself doesn’t.

I read it as more about being careful and intentional where you put your energy.

People can get very sucked into the 24 hour news cycle and obsessing over terrible things happening in the world without actually doing anything beyond watching and worrying and complaining. And that's very corrosive.

And being aware of current events by watching CNN all the time and bitching and moaning about the Republicans, that's not actually doing anything. It's essentially the same as saying "oh well not my problem" in terms of taking action, you're just saying a different sentence/expressing a different sentiment from the right wingers who watch Fox News and bitch and moan about Democrats.

Not saying that's what you personally do R525 - for all I know - you are out there taking action and making change.

I've learned that all I want is a healthy bowel movement and a comfortable pair of shoes.

I am in my 50s and have never been happier. I kind of understand how the world works now, mostly. I am comfortable in my skin, know what I enjoy and what makes me feel comfortable and content. I am aware too of my bad habits, and how to avoid them, as going down the same road always leads to the same place, and it doesn’t get any nicer.

As an introvert, the introduction of home working has been life changing for me and given me back hours and money which I now spend on things I enjoy - exercise, being outdoors hiking with my dog, going to the gym and cooking delicious meals for myself with the best ingredients I can afford. I keep to a good routine. Simple pleasures work for me.

I have a few good friends, and see one friend every Saturday when I cook us both a nice dinner. I can’t imagine ever having sex again, and I am quite comfortable with that. I go to bed very early and get up very early, because that’s what suits me.

I worry much less about what people think of me. I take myself much less seriously. I love my dog and my cats more than almost anything or anyone on this earth. And that is fine too.

I am an only child, and the phase of elderly parent care was hideous, stressful and depressing. Remaining parent ( the toxic one) is cocooned in a home, depleting my inheritance. I go to visit only as often as it suits me and no more.

I no longer spend any more time than is necessary doing things I don’t wish to do in my free time. I am free and very content.

I spent much of my younger life really struggling with self confidence and self acceptance. I was desperate for love and affection - on any terms really. I don’t recognise that person now.

Passing years and experience brings us wisdom and perspective - make sure to use it - it will help you be true to yourself, and that is how to find happiness.

R528 = Earl Butz

I’m perplexed by 50 plus gay men who don’t miss sex. How do they cope with it? I’ll be 59 next month, and I still relish great sex. I couldn’t imagine my life without it.

No tight pussies, R528?

I’ve lost my libido, but still enjoy the intimacy of being naked with someone.

r525 you missed the entire point. I'll give you a great example. My mother who obsessively watches Fox News is highly concerned about Mexican Cartels on the border. She lives in Ohio. Yet this topic consumes a lot of our conversations. We have had arguments over it. She will obsess over news stories, topics that she has absolutely no control or influence over and her political views on these topics hurt her actual relationships with her family members because she is constantly getting into arguments. This is an example of someone who puts way too much energy outside of her circle of influence - yet the circle around her, her relationships, she lets suffer because she has to save America.

R534, go to visit your mother. You can seize her remote control and block the Fox News channel.

I thank God my parents are liberal Democrats. They despise Fox News.

That’s the nice thing about being black. Zero conservative republican family members.

RT521 That seems like a seriously dysfunctional friendship. Don't continue to keep it going out of sentiment for the length of time you were friends. I went through a similar situation with a close friend I knew since kindergarten. I was putting up with his nonsensical shit and mid games and I had enough and told him that I had enough of his shit, and will not longer tolerate it, and broke it off. I miss the old times when he acted like a normal friend, not the times when he was being a childish jerk.

I learned that I don't need to be in a relationship to feel whole and complete.

Thanks R538.

R531- Me too. I'm 56. I don't have a LOT of sex but I masturbate four days out of seven.

R527, I am black.

A while back I learned I don't need to watch a movie, tv show, go to the theater or museum, read some book or article because "you have to see this"; nope, I do it only if I want to. I got a lot of screeners to vote on SAG Awards and kind of decided, I don't need to watch all of these and spend my time doing this. So I didn't and voted who I want to win. (You think others don't do this?)

A Brolin is more important than a movie career.

Love Barbra

That, given that humanity is going to hell-in-a-handbasket, that decision to not have children is affirmed.

Agree with R482. Your only regret will be that you waited so long to do it.

if you're lucky, you learn to really appreciate what you still have, things you may have taken for granted before. It could be family, old friends, your pets, your health, possessions that give you pleasure or serve you well, nature, the weather...

R476

^And farting all the time.

R548- I do not fart. I PASS WIND.

R529 My mother used to say that. I got a good laugh out of your post. Thanks!

Yes r549, at Gale-Force levels.

R551- My father would say- Do you have gas?

Farting liberally is one of the great pleasures of living alone.

This Mary wants to fucking marry this thread and half of you posters. What fantastic advice (and laughs) keep it coming please!

R552, One of my aunts would say after someone farted, "Better out than in."

Anyone who crows about farting needs to realize, that’s SCAT ADJACENT….and you’re quite disgusting

Learning that old friendships from your twenties have become meaningless and sometimes abusive is very liberating.

Amen R557 that’s what I’m realizing now in my 40s

I used to think that certain people came into your life for a reason, and later, but not late, realized that nah, sometimes it's just dumb luck (good or bad) and really mostly a matter of being in a nearby place (neighborhood, school, workplace, restaurant).

R559- Like meeting Mr. Right at Trader Joe's or something?

R559, almost all the close, personal relationships in the world are between people who are no more than three miles away from each other.

[quote] Anyone who crows about farting needs to realize, that’s SCAT ADJACENT….and you’re quite disgusting

Not even close, and everyone knows you do it all the time R556.

R8- When I'm in a store like Trader Joe's or Whole Foods I always look at the ingredients of the cookies on display to make sure they contain butter and not margarine or neither because I'm not buying the cookies for my health I'm buying strictly for the taste and my enjoyment.

r562, speak for yourself, not all of us fart all day, if one is eating a healthy diet, farting should be rare, perhaps once per day.

Raw vegetables are going to make you fart, r564. Do you count your farts? Have you met your daily limit?

R565- Beans make me pass COPIOUS amounts of wind.

Same R566...I want to love them because they're so cheap and healthy. But my god the amount of flatulence my body produces when I eat them.

R567- If you don't pass a lot of GAS then what happens is BLOATING- that is worse. It's good if you expel the wind otherwise you'll like you're expecting TRIPLETS.

^^^ Gents, acquaint yourself with Fennel pills/tea/capsules please.

Or just eat more beans. I have the diet of a sixteenth century peasant and I identify with Mr. Hardly Ever Farts, above. My family actually notes it if I fart audibly, it's that rare. I eat legumes every day.

Why the fuck are you farting audibly with people around, R570? Are you an animal?

Beano helps if you love beans but hate the gas.

All the diseases that you heard about when you were younger have visited you or someone that you know. You spend a lot of time in doctor's offices and funerals.

r564

Farting is the result of a healthy, complex ecosystem in your intestines. You produce about 500 to 1,500 milliliters of gas per day, and and the average person expels it in 10 to 20 farts a day. Someone who only farts once a day is not eating a balanced diet and eating a lot of simple carbohydrates, junk food with not nutritional value.

R572 Isn't Beano playing Fanny Brice?

Sad that this thread seems to have ended on things you learn about farting.

R576, sadly.

It can be a lot of fun to cook for yourself with different gadgets like an Instant Pot and an air fryer, among other gadgets. If I'm going to eat out at a fairly expensive restaurant, I want to do it with someone else and make it a social occasion as well. Otherwise, if I just want to not cook and want to get out by myself, I'll tend to go to someplace not too expensive to get the out of the house, somebody else is shopping for the ingredient, cooking it, serving it, and cleaning up after me experience.

How do you deal with loneliness?

This isn’t a gift a that can be learned or acquired, R579, but having a rich interior life goes a long way to warding off loneliness.

Thanks R580.

r579, now that Covid-19 restrictions are gradually being lifted, maybe in-person book clubs are re-opening, those kind where every body reads the same chapters then they get together to discuss it.

Or volunteer services need volunteers.

Do nursing homes still want people to read stories out loud on a story night?

Your body doesn’t heal the same after 50. I fractured my shoulder 4 years ago, work out 5 days a week, and still feel weakness and achy pain in that shoulder. I don’t think it will ever be as strong as the other shoulder, no matter how hard I work it, and it’s just something I’m going to deal with for the rest of my life.

"Broadway doesn't go for booze and dope."

Which is why I always stipulate a private dressing room in my contracts!

Thins you learn after 50

"I Taught Myself How To Grow Old "

Most gay men make terrible friends.

Don't completely trust anyone you haven't known for at least 10 years intimately.

Never ever, I repeat, NEVER EVER loan anyone any sizeable amount of money, no matter how close they are to you. I you want them to have it then give it to them, and make sure they know it's a gift. If you loan it that will be the end of the friendship.

Learn how to say no, and mean it. Be no one's patsy.

Get comfortable with being almost invisible in the gay world. Remember one thing, it's their loss, not yours.

Don't waste your time on friends you only hear from when they need help. Cut them out of your life for good.

R585 The Ryan Adams & The Cardinals album which that song is from, Easy Tiger (2007) , is one of the best albums of the 2000s.

R587, Oprah said the same thing about lending money to people. It really is great advice.

The energy and health of youth truly is wasted on them. They don't appreciate having them until they, too, are older. Eternal cycle.

When you're young you can't possibly imagine how the energy and drive will ever cease. Maybe you know it intellectually but you can't know what that is until it happens to you. As R590 said, it is the eternal cycle.

I also heard about your body aching, especially in the morning, growing up. Not quite 50, and I’ve just recently stopped asking myself “what did I do yesterday?” when I wake sore, or my feet hit the ground and ache. Every morning starts to feel like you slept wrong.

You know, it doesn't have to be all downhill after 50. There can be a renaissance. I left a car culture country and moved to a 'you have to walk everywhere' culture well past 50 and I feel reborn. I can easily walk 3 hours, say, to and through a flea market, something I could never have done before. I'm leaner than I was 10 years ago. All my blood work is as good or better than before. I'm much better dressed because affordable well-designed clothes are abundant.

But if you have the expectation and the mindset that things will deteriorate, I think it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

R587 THIS! Beautiful.

R587- Even Consumer Reports said that loaning a friend money is a quick way to end a friendship if you’re not careful.

r593 True, a person can bring it on by bad attitude and always seeing the dark side, and needless to state that's to be avoided; but it's too much if anyone is inclined to victim shame by supposing it's always that way. One can live an active, optimistic, life, doing regular gym work and engaging with healthy, exciting events, and still one day the body can simply have reached the end of its "feeling great all day every day" tenure, and it's time to adjust to a new reality. The important thing in such cases is to deal with it with a positive attitude, and to refrain from whining.

It’s DL. Of course the thread about advice from those over 50 reaches 600 response

I've seen a lot of people turn 50-60-70 and give themselves permission to let themselves go and contract their lives, as if they were adhering to some prohibition that kicked in when they turned whatever age. They give up, they lose confidence, and it becomes a downward spiral. Yes, some doors close, but not all, and in fact, new doors can open, because you now have the time or money to do or be something you couldn't before. One important asset is that you no longer care what others think as much, so you can give yourself permission to open some new doors...

R593

R396- That does not apply to me. I was already BITTER at 12 years old.

R359- No, you NEVER had a ton of friends. They weren't really your FRIENDS.

And to divide families as everyone takes a side when the debtor become the deadbeat.