What are you getting Mrs. Patsy Ramsey for Christmas?

Dr. Benjamin Spock’s Baby and Child Care, the audiobook as read by Joan Crawford.

Maybe some hard railroad luggage, maybe vintage Samsonite. They don’t make it like they used to.

A copy of "Cuties."

I am giving her the actual baby jesus.

Fuck, that kid is a noisy, annoying brat.

She may do with it as she will.

Handi-wipes and bleach.

They’ll clean anything.

I was obsessed with A Child Called It as a kid. I wonder now if it was embellished or fake…

A digitally remastered version of Mommy Dearest to be used, hopefully, as a template for alternative coping strategies. Trust me when I say that incremental change would be a huge step forward with that one.

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen

Perhaps there are some clues in here as to what she might want for Christmas!

PATSY RAMSEY 1996 CHRISTMAS NEWSLETTER

Dear Friends, Family and Foreign Factions:

Listen carefully! We are a group of individuals having a lovely holiday! It's been another busy year at the luxuriously appointed Ramsey Christian home. As I told the children: Enjoy the celebration of the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ because, you just never know, it may just be your last . . .

The older, unattractive children, unworthy of pageants, are doing stuff. One is on the East Coast (I hear from the gossips at the club) and one might even still be in Colorado. Coloring JonBenet’s hair and finding appropriate restraining devices for rigorous comb-outs keeps me far too busy to notice so many, many, many things. But I have started noticing SOME things.

Burke is a busy fourth grader trying to grow a brain. He's lost just about all of his baby teeth. He is welcome!

JonBenet, ever the minx, is enjoying her Daddy. Kindergarten in the Fashion Knowledge program, which includes both fashion posing and fashion moving, is fast paced, involves a lot of coffee and ciggies, and five full days a week. She has already been moved ahead a full grade in both runway and seduction. She continues to enjoy dressing up as a pint-size streetwalker in talent and modeling pageants. She was named "Miss Salacious” at a darling pageant in Tijuana, where her talent was singing “Boom Boom Boom Let’s Go Back to My Room” in Mexican. My goodness, she is so proud of all her sashes and tiaras! Which is why I have to remind her how small-time they all seem to a real Miss West Virginia. Her teacher says she is so outgoing that she will never have trouble delivering oral. Just ask John! Access recently celebrated its one billion $$ mark in sales, so he's in pretty good shape to buy my silence, if not participation in his “hobby.”

I spend most of my 'free time' working in the Sunday school and doing volunteer work, rebuking Muslims and other unsaved trash. My dear friend Betsy Richards’ ticky-tacky house with brick only on the front was on the home tour in July and will likely appear in one of the Better Homes & Gardens publications in 1997. Remember when that used to be the Bible of good taste? My goodness! I’d call it Bitter Homes & Garbage now! LOL! On a recent trip to NYC, my friend and I appeared amid the throng of fans on the TODAY show. My beauty caught the eyes of Al Roker & Bryant, and even though they are both unrepentant Negroes, I actually talked to them about JonBenet’s and my new Sister Act. I was on camera for all the world to see! Yes, just another thing, JonBenet will never be: A glamorous TV star!

We are all enjoying continued good health while it lasts and some of us look forward to seeing you in 1997! One final note ... thank you to all my 'friends' and my dear husband for surprising me with the biggest, most outrageous 40th birthday bash I've ever had! In case you didn’t pick up what I was just telling you: He spent A LOT more money on that one party than most of you will for rent and groceries all year! We'll be spending even more money on my actual birthday on the Disney Big Red Boat over the new year! Jealous? Oh, stop! If you think I’m famous now, well you just wait . . . LOL! ;)

Merry Christmas and much love, The Ramseys

R9 here: I didn’t write the newsletter. Someone else here did years ago.

If you're mailing your gift, please note our darling Patsy no longer resides in Boulder, CO. Send it to her new address in Hell.

Hahaha that’s brilliant R9

[quote]She continues to enjoy dressing up as a pint-size streetwalker

How the fuck did Mrs. Patsy Ramsey, formerly of Boulder, CO know what I WROTE ABOUT IN MY DIARY IN 1962?

For the woman who has everything, a signed first edition of MY WAY OF LIFE by Joan Crawford

It’s always important to bring a hostess gift, and a pineapple is the traditional symbol of hospitality.

Practical gifts are best.

I'm getting her one of those page-a-day calendars with inspirational quotes from Margaret White.

January 1: "I should've given you to God when you were born, but I was weak and backsliding, and now the Devil has come home."