Let’s be an episode of Snapped

I'm Laura San Giacomo's basso profondo voice.

I'm "full of life."

‘Lit up every room’

Would give the shirt off his back.

'He had some substance abuse issues in his past'

I’m the milkshake served right before the victim goes into a coma. Oh don’t worry about the powdery substance at the bottom of the glass - it’s nothing!

I'm the male "friend" who moves in the day after the victim disappears or is found dead.

I'm the obviously BPD coke addled 20 year old stripper who is erroneously described as " the sweetest girl who no one could envision doing this" after I off my 60 year old husband.

I'm the friend of the suspect who bought a whole new outfit & had my hair done to appear on the show, and I still look like fresh shit!

I’m the anti freeze that gets put to good use in every other episode.

I’m the late husband who enjoyed making pop tarts next to the bathtub. I didn’t know the toaster was going to “accidentally” fall in.

I’m touch DNA, I’m the new badass bitch in town

I'm the small town lesbian or flaming gay newspaper reporter.

I'm the fast food restaurant receipt that always fucks up an alibi

I'm that face you make when you realize that the murders took place in 2019, not 1991 as the clothes, names and hairstyles seem to indicate.

I'm the shirt the deceased would give you off of his back. He never did, in fact he was a real dick unless he thought you were fuckable.

I'm the 75-gallon Rubbermaid container used to store the liquefied corpse of an old lady whose daughter bumped off for her Social Security checks.

I'm the palatable sense of relief all of the survivors seem to feel after the shitty ex-husband was murdered.

I’m the town where everyone knows each other and each other’s business.

The actual crime will be nowhere as frightening as the sentence above 😫

I'm Miss Candice DeLong before I got so much plastic surgery I turned into a Siamese cat.

I was a few posts in before I realized this thread wasn't about Seinfeld.

I'm the surprisingly straight, butch long haul truck driver who had husbands and life insurance policies all down the I95 corridor

I'm the car. I'll play a part. Eventually.

Be patient.

I’m the Aqua Net. Apparently I am a preferred beauty product of sociopathic females.

All of these are hilarious. This is why I love you Datalounge bitches!

I'm the accelerant used to burn down the trailer home that contains my already dead husband.

I'm the trashy blond schoolteacher named KellyLynne. Or maybe her stupid jock 17 year old lover. Either one of us could have offed her marine husband.

I'm the hand clutching the pearls in the intro

I’m the suspicions the authorities could not prove.

I'm the long shot of the placid lake. Mists swirl. The silent soundtrack goes on for too long. Then some narrator with a voice like a corncrake shatters the silence. "It all started on a morning just like this."

I’m the shirt given to anyone off the victim’s back.

I’m the beautiful actors playing murderer and victim. When they show a picture of the real murderer and victim at the end of the show, they’ll be morbidly obese , toothless, with a giant hairy mole on the tips of their noses.

I'm 45, the average age of all these homicidal bitches gone bezerk.

I'm also 152, the average weight, in pounds, of all these homicidal bitches gone bezerk.

I'm the pink Lady Wesson that the dumbass husband bought his wife to protect her while he traveled for his successful sheet metal businesses

I'm the bass boat. The two were night fishing in me when tragedy struck

I’m the lock on the front door that never gets locked. It’s just so peaceful in this here town.

I'm squeaky circular clothes line that spins slowly and menacingly in the victim's yard. For some reason I'm shown 5 times in the episode. Once with a blue filter over me for added effect. Yeah, come to think of it, I am creepy.

I'm the local trucking magnate who beat my wife silly. Mourn for me and my gunt is lowered into the ground in a Kansas City Chiefs coffin. None of you are getting last paychecks

I'm the smalltown in some shit ass state. I'm named Cairo, or Paris, London or even Chicago. I'm not acually any of those

I'm the broken GPS in the victim's car. She got lost and turned down a deserted road by a ... wait for it... LAKE! I'm the victim's husband who saw her last. I have tears streaming down my face. "She was my everything," I'm the husband's side piece. He told me, "Just a few months, and I'll marry you." Sure, Jan.

I'm the numerous Google searches for poisons before the victim's disappearance.

I am the handwritten will giving everything to my meth addicted bisexual twink lover (40 years younger) the day I die.

I’m the receipt for the chainsaw, plastic tarp and storage bin purchased from Wal Mart at 2am.

R43 I'm the recycle bin the receipt was discarded into. The murderer thought it would decompose faster than putting it in the trash, because it was recyclable. He'll try and use his concern for the planet to reduce his prison sentence.

i'm the clinking of the champagne glasses

I’m the antifreeze - I am found in an old school thermos

I’m the voiceover written by the gay producer who throws in a little bit of snark!

I’m the shot of small town Main Street shown in the opening voiceover

I’m the handyman who’s shacking up with the wife of a missing man. When asked by the suspicious townsfolk why I’m wearing the missing husband’s hat and shirt, I answer: “He doesn’t need them anymore.”

I'm the cheap, hideous wigs on the actresses in the reenactments.

I miss City Cofidential.

I'm the bump on this thread, and the one on the back of the *heart attack* victim's head

I’m the fat 15 year old Wiccan girl. I’ve been featured in several different incarnations on snapped.

I’m the immediate apology to the camera when I start crying while remembering my murdered loved one.

I'm the appliqued birds on their formal denim jacket

I’m the sudden love of freshly toasted pop tarts in the bathtub.

I'm Alabama, Missouri, Iowa and Ohio.

I'm the morbidly-obese sheriff, morbidly-obese police detective, and morbidly-obese district attorney. Each of us weighs in at over 300 pounds. If men, we have walrus mustaches. If female. we have stringy blond hair. And each one speaks as if... it... was difficult... to form a sentence.

Christ it's a wonder any crime gets solved... those loads are way too bust hanging at the Krispy Kreme.

I'm the surveillance camera at Walmart.

I'm the slow pans over high school yearbooks, Sears portraits and Glamour Shots as tho they were letters joke from the Civil War and camera operator is Ken Burns

I'm the 75 trips past the house the stalking frau made every day before she finally Snapped!

I'm the cellphone towers.

I’m the woman who actually wants sex but doesn’t get it.

I'm the preacher's wife's really, really tight perm and tortoiseshell glasses.

I knew Tina Lunney, featured in season 13, episode 6.

In 2009 she strangled her 81 year old mother.

Tina had a gambling problem and was in debt to the point of foreclosure of her home. Her husband had no idea about any of it.

They were supposed to be going on a vacation to the Outer Banks with other families. When the deposit was due Tina couldn’t come up with her share so she stole her mother’s credit card. Her mother found out and threatened to tell Tina’s husband.

And Tina snapped.

It was the classic example of “all of the neighbors were shocked”.

She presented as this very sweet and happy young wife and mother. We were only acquaintances through mutual friends, but I really did like her.

I'm the crazy woman who sticks to her story to the end. No matter how much evidence they have and the plea bargain they offer her, that no man would ever get, she sticks to her crazy ass story and gets a life sentence after trial.

I was Bill Belichik until Jordon found an 85 year old guy with more money.