Dear Fa—er, Gays,
We are contacting you on behalf of our client, a major box-office motion picture star who has banked on his winning all American/Aryan smile and who until relatively recently had a high Q score.
In addition to being accidentally racist in the most high-profile way possible, our client also accidentally slipped up while discussing your chosen lifestyle, that is, the homosexual lifestyle, mindlessly forgetting that you people run Hollywood alongside the Hebrews. He has expressed interest in making amends, but he will need your guidance to do so competently, as his first instinct was to record a short video of himself playing football in short shorts in slow motion and rubbing his nipple, which we do not believe would have the intended effect.
We understand that years ago you were convinced he too was of the homosexual persuasion and imagined many erotic events between him and his lifelong friend, who is also every -ist you can think of. Since you were once titillated by this false notion and assumed he was the same sort of deviant that you are, we are hoping you would be willing to offer advice regarding how to repair our client's Q score and public likability so that he, and therefore we, can bank more money for ourselves. Your support also will help him prove his daughter wrong, which he is highly motivated to do.
We welcome all ideas, including those that ask our client to say and do inauthentic things, and up to but not including his participation in homosexual pornography.
As an incentive for your reply, here is a photo of our client at his twunky-jocky apex, when he aroused the most boners from people like you.
Thank you in advance for your valued insights.
Warmest regards,
The Agents
