I'm 45 and ready to die. Anyone else?

Clearly you need to relocate. Find a way to go somewhere far away from NYC and start over. Form a new life in a place you never dreamed you would go before. Some times the grass is definitely greener on the other side of the fence. It's been done by many far older than you. If your skills are transferrable to another industry that makes it easier. No one can survive for long on 'subsistence gigs'.

Yes, we're ready for you to die, also.

I'm 49 and ready for the perpetual suicide-threatening misery trolls to die, if that's what you're asking.

I’m 45 as well and feel this way too sadly.

But let’s hold on to hope ok.

Believe it or not we still have some youth left on our side.

Hang in there buddy.

Yeah, you need to get the hell out of New York: not a place for those feeling anxious and oppressed. One can always pick a New Yorker on social media: they are so over-analysed in their thoughts, and weirdly depressive.

What was the industry you were in that's been disrupted?

What industry are you in?

Yes, I feel that way exactly. Not ready to die exactly, but no life force left at all. It all left me during the pandemic. My dad had a major stroke in 2019, but he made it though he will never be the same and we were close. When he got home and had caretakers and my mom and sister, I accepted an assignment abroad and when I got here I enjoyed it a lot. Restaurants, great events, new environment, good money and then the pandemic hit. I was booked in the house with only my roommate for company as I have severe asthma. My bosses became tyrants and, me and my roommate now realize that they want us to train the folks here to do our job...they can hire 10 with our salaries. Very toxic work environment. I was lucky some more money came in from a property I have in LA and an inheritance and even that doesn't help me. I FINALLY hooked up with a cute cub in Paris but it wasn't as exciting as it would've usually been...it's me. Even there I felt ennui and depression. I am 43, soon I will be out of a job due to outsourcing and the thought of being alone in my LA condo depresses me. I gained weight (lost 5 lbs in Paris), couldn't care less about sex anymore (weird), only look forward to my evening drink. My mom says now is the time to travel, look for a new job in a place I like...but I can't shake the feeling of getting older, isolation and ennui. I walk 2 hours a day for exercise and am planning another quick trip but I need a good jolt (or a good slap) to get me back to real life.

I agree about leaving NY. Try a fairly liberal but smaller city. Somewhere in the Mid West. That will add at least 10 years of dating; a lot of single older gay men on the market and as fresh meat you will be very popular. It will also allow you to save money, meet friends in a smaller community, and escape the NY bitchy queens.

If you do stay in NYC, get off Gindr and social media. Try using MeetUp to find some gay men’s groups. Get a new hobby.

OP - have you thought about getting a second job in an industry that forces you to be on your feet all day? An ex of mine got depressed after retiring from being a hairdresser and got a job at a high end department store and relocated to LA and says it helped him because he had to interact with people all day. Also, maybe relocating or taking up a goal like gaining muscle?

I understand this. I feel that way a lot too. I try to distinguish being uncomfortable with a feeling and true despair. Sometimes it is more the former and it passes.

It's just you. I'm 55, (open)married , and able to get men half my age every weekend and more. Just started a new career and love every second of life. I don't live in New York or another giant pile of human refuse progressive city so that's part of your problem I think.

OP, Can I have your stuff?

Shake it off, wimp!

I just want to say i've been feeling this this since my mid 40s and a "series of unfortunate events" took place. i'm 52 now. I've had to re-invent myself several times and am still doing it. sometimes it feels like it would be easier to let go but i've held on. i've had times of joy, times with family, hope for the future.

I would say hang on, develop some good habits and hobbies and try to be a little more social (not a lot, i'm a total introvert)...just enough to widen your circle of people.

....

OP, you need a therapist. There's some good advice here, but I think threads like this do more harm than good; especially using a title like that.

OP if he was really the love of your life, then he would have stayed and shared life with you.

OP = Debs = the DL's very own Tokyo Rose.

It's taking forever.

Get a shrink. There are a gazillion of them, how fucking hard can it be?

Love it when happy fun loving old men like R11 call others "Human refuse!" What a hoot!

Shrinks are madder than their patients. They're strictly for bores who can't make friends to listen to their woes.

R14 - how did you re-invent yourself? Can you give us some examples?

You need to join BLM and burn it all down. Finish off Minneapolis, babes.

R22 But Therapists can give you constructive advice and practical method to help improve your ailment.

Get a therapist or join a self help group. Volunteer somewhere to get out of yourself. Find a way to retrain for another line of work. You are not too old to do any of these things.

[quote] The industry I worked so hard to succeed in has been destroyed by the internet.

Would you mind tell us what industry that might be? The internet has been around for 30 years now, it has killed many business but they were gone 10 years ago, if a business can survive in 2020, that means it still works in the IT era even though it might have become a "niche" industry.

Are you a narcissist OP?

Always so many therapy-mongers here. Shrinks don't come free, so it doesn't sound this would be remotely viable for OP 'getting by on subsistence gigs'.

Happy to r23. See here from my post last night: I was r16 here. don't know how to link directly within thread.

Also, I have always been a jack of all trades, so I've been able to morph into many different roles I was never trained for. That's why I am where i am today. However, that doesn't take away the fact that i'm lonely as fuck with no one since my last boyfriend mid 40's.

I think Generation X’ers are much better prepared for the downsides of ageing than Millennials and subsequent generations. Psychiatrists will make a killing once the majority of Millennials hit middle-age.

OP: Sandra Bullock

^Can't you step outside yourself for even a minute? Each generation thinks the following is fucked-up and were you any less clueless when you were a lot younger?

R1 is spot on OP.

Switzerland.

Another gay narcissist—another day.

R36 Exactly. Find a rich German husbear and move to Switzerland like Tina Turner.

Sounds like you may have put excessive value on superficial matters such as appearance and youth and sex appeal. Even if you leave NYC, you're still stuck with yourself as you really are. And unless you try to overhaul what you truly value in life, you're going to be stuck feeling as you are about life and yourself.

You’re menopausal.

I agree with people saying you need to move out of New York, OP. Stop judging yourself so harshly, and ignore other people's opinions of you, too. Live life for yourself and make the most of what you have.

Eat a Snickers. You’re not you when you’re hungry.

Can somebody please explain the perceived problem with OP living in New York? Cost aside, New York is America's largest city and people of all ages and persuasions live there and it's no different with LGBTQ community. Is NYC really that toxic?

Moving out of NY isn’t going to magically fix things (unless it’s for a job and financial and you have a support system there). Everyone loves to blame NY and LA, but your issues will follow you wherever you go. There are nice people and shitty people everywhere. Every place has its own set of problems.

Also - it’s always interesting to me when people advise someone in their 40s to just pick up and move. Like it’s easy to find work in a smaller city, to make new connections, to relocate your entire life. Especially if you are someone prone to depression. All that requires a ton of energy and motivation.

Cue the anti-NYC trolls and their inexplicable rage because god forbid ANYONE stay in NYC and enjoy their life, but OP, I don’t think it’s about location.

I feel somewhat similarly and I understand what you mean. Like people have said above, join some meetups, volunteer, find a therapist, etc.

Deciding to move to Cleveland or Houston or Kansas City in the midst of a feeling like you want to die doesn’t seem like the best idea.

And I’m sorry about your father. Sending you a hug.

No judgement to any of you for expressing yourselves, but FFS, life is a gift! You fight until your body gives out and takes it's last beat! Cutting your life short is fucking insane, selfish, and completely nihilistic. Kids are born with cancer and will die before they can make it to being a teenager, and others kids are being blown up in wartorn countries and they all still fight and want to live. Remember that when all of you want to chuck the towel in simply because you are still single.

At 36, I had a successful career, a husband of ten years, and a nice house in a west coast city. By 37, my job was eliminated, I had to move to the deep south to get another one, and my husband was diagnosed with a terminal disease At 39, I was widowed and had to reinvent By 42, I had a second husband, my career was stronger than ever, I started a second career performing, and was well on to building a new life At 55, I was widowed again unexpectedly Now at 59, I've taken up writing as well as performing and my original career continues to do well.

My advice - learn to adapt. Find several communities of friends (gay and straight) who will sustain you. Join a religious organization (UU for me). Get involved in civic life as a volunteer.

Same OP, and i'm not even 30, but being single has nothing to do with it.

Thanks, R44. A lot of posters are forgetting that, at it's core, NYC is a place where millions of people live ordinary lives, often from the day there are born to the day they die.

You might be suffering from pretty privilege, OP. If so, I can help. My rates are commensurate with patient hotness.

Existentialists believe that we're born without purpose into a world that makes no sense — but each person has the ability to create his or her own sense of meaning and peace.

OP, were you already feeing this way, or is it just the effects of the past year since Covid? I am in a somewhat similar situation to you, and am already prone to depression, but I realize that Covid has made things seem unusually hopeless. That alone is helping me to carry on, though I can't pretend that suicidal ideation hasn't crossed my mind a bit over the past year. Give yourself a break. This has taken a toll on everyone of course, but especially on those of us who were already hanging on by a thread. The dust is only *just* beginning to settle...the world didn't get this way overnight, and it won't resolve itself overnight either. I know things seem bleak, but do you have *any* thing (hobbies, interests, etc) to look forward to? I love to draw and paint, for example. I have been too hopeless to do much for the past year or so (largely due to the derailment caused by Covid) but I know I've got some great pieces left in me once things begin to look up again. I know it's still a ways off, but this alone - and the prospect of maybe at least some day trips/local travel help me to keep going.

The male "mid-life crisis" is for real, and is no joke. It seems to set in, generally, in the early 40s for most guys. It happened to me, and I attributed it to similar "objective" circumstances in my life that made it seem like there was no point in going on. It passed, even though the circumstances of my life did alter all that much, in reality. One day I just noticed that I wasn't feeling so down about my life any more.

Straight guys this age go through this too, but many of them have kids by that point, and it is their obligation to support and be there for the kids that maybe makes this "crisis" easier for them to bear, because they don't have any perceived choice but to tough out whatever life gives them; they can't just throw everything out and start over, without ruining other people's lives...Gay guys seem to have more freedom in that sense, but it just makes the "trapped" feeling worse, somehow, more tormenting.

New York City is a very, very hard place to live, as you become too old to be going out every night (and as you stop even enjoying it). I lived there, myself. It's a fantastic place to live, but it's really a place for people who are wealthy enough that they can afford to live in 2 places. If you aren't well-off it's a tough place. I know people who moaned for 25 years about "having to get out", but the ones who had affordable, rent-controlled apartments there are essentially married to the place, LOL. If you need to leave, you just have to do it.

Hang in there. I told all the guys I knew who were younger than me that this was going to happen to them and to not be so hard on themselves when it did strike. Several of them asked me more about what it was like, once it began to happen to them. It's hard to be told this, but it surprisingly does just "go away" eventually, and then your life seems to be A-OK, pleasurable in fact.

My advice for dealing with it is to not indulge any tendency to feel sorry for yourself. Create distractions intentionally. If you find yourself being bored a lot, go volunteer doing something for other people, it really will buck you up, it's enjoyable and fulfilling, and other people will appreciate it, and you'll meet new people, too. Don't mope. It will pass. Good luck to yuz.

you'll die soon enough, why are you in such a hurry?

I used to feel the exact same way years ago but after mindfulness and meditation things changed. I also switched anti-psychotic medication and stopped my anti depression meds and feel better. I do feel anxious and have some anxiety problems from time to time but being able to aces my emotions is way better. I stopped drinking alcohol too that helped enormously, now I drink but moderately and always check my self so that I don't go overboard and drink too much. as to what some posters said indeed wherever you move to you will take yourself with you. so running away is not such a good idea

Jesus Christ you guys act like being 40 is the same as being 80

R47 I’m only just 29 in a similar boat, too, and I thought the same. Age and status and singledom really aren’t the issue here. If OP were 36 and married and a CEO he could easily feel the same way—I know of a couple of successful coupled people in their prime who are miserable, because their values system is fucked up and they aren’t living according to who they really are.

Having said that, being someone who is broke or alone or at a dead end in a career more generally is a problem that needs to be addressed, because it does create vulnerability to depression etc. And it is easier said than done to fix that, so I empathise. Currently I have no friends and no career, so I get that the struggle is real.

What gets me is the tagline "Anyone else feel this way?" It strikes me as sinister and deliberate. We don't need a self-harm encouragement thread here, hon.

These threads always ask who else feels suicidal, and I've seen a lot of them started by the alt-right and right wing trolls.

Threads like this aren't helpful. It reminds me of Ansel Elgort's accuser using social media(of all things) to call him out on his alleged behaviour towards her. Or someone turning DL to ask for advice after fearing they'd been caught masturbating in a car park by their employer. If OP is being genuine DL isn't the right place to seek help.

New York is a really expensive place to live r44. OP says he is barely getting by financially. It would behoove him to move somewhere with a more affordable cost of living.

Anyway OP, you sound like you desperately need some friends.

R43, did you read OP's post?

[quote] I'm in NYC and scraping by with subsistence gigs. Someone on DL said, several years ago, that in NYC, you're pretty much washed up by the age of 40. This seems true.

What part of that are you missing?

Do you frequently miss the obvious?

R57 has a point.

The trolling here is off the charts, the quality of the trolling is noticeably inferior to what this website is famous for, and it coincides with an obvious influx of right wing trolls trying to destroy this site as a gay space.

Makes you wonder...

ive felt that way since my constant companion my doggie of 16 yrs passed over. nothin matters......

R62 when you feel emotionally ready and if resources/finances/time allow, get another dog mate! (Ideally a pup, so you can have many years together) It’s the best feeling having a new little pal around to give love to and run around after and distract you into walks and play (which loosens up that depressed stuck energy). Your dog-loving heart is meant to have a canine friend.

When my 13-year old lab—the one with whom I went through adolescence—passed of cancerous growths on all his organs a few years back, I thought I’d never get over it or have another dog again. I didn’t see the point. Then after several months, by some fateful happenstance we ended up with a new lab puppy, and it was like breathing fresh air.

Loving a different dog doesn’t mean the one who passed matters less or that the grief over his passing doesn’t hurt (we spend much of our lives and our love on these dogs, it means a lot).

I'm older, and yes.

r60 well my god you're a little bitch aren't you?

What I wrote acknowledged both of those things and suggested that a person's issues tend to follow wherever they move (i.e. believing that one is potentially "washed up" at age 40 in NY and wanting to die will not be magically cured by changing geography) and I questioned whether moving to another city without a job or support system made financial sense.

Was that not explicit enough for you?

r62 - I'm sorry about your dog. I know the feeling.

R22, if you are using your friends to discuss your "woes", you are a bore. Don't burden your friends with your shit...this is exactly what a professional is for. STFU.

I'm 45 and I do not feel this way.

1. Quit drinking for 90 days and assess where you are after that. 2. Wake up every day and take three long deep breaths before you pick up your phone. 3. Break a sweat every day. 4. Move somewhere where you can be in nature and less worried about money. NYC is for young people and rich people.

This is one of the most trolling-est trolling threads of all time, but R11 wins as the most excruciatingly creepy troll.

[quote][R60] well my god you're a little bitch aren't you?

Oh, you noticed [italic]that.[/italic] Maybe you could train your powers of perception to including reading comprehension.

Can you take Donuljay with you, before you go? You'll be a hero.

The aim of my post(R43) was to question all the negativity towards NYC on this thread, rather than respond to OP's exact circumstances and offer advice, R60.

i can't imagine being 45, that's old enough to die

You can start an OnlyFans you know. That's what all the other porn stars are doing. You don't need Treasure Island or Michael Lucas. Turn on Patti Labelle's New Attitude and get going.

So much DRAMA!!

Date an older guy.

OP, life begins at 50.

[quote]Therapists can give you constructive advice and practical method to help improve your ailment.

I prefer the old-style shrinks who just listen. My last therapist was full of ideas I should implement with my then best friend. But when I tried them, my friend stopped talking to me. I haven't heard from him in five years. I haven't spoken to the shrink since shortly thereafter. She should have STFU and just listened.

R61 Yes, because "die in a grease fire" is such a high quality insult from a 200 point IQ. That is the most brain dead thing you can say when there are a million ways to say kill yourself or go fuck yourself.

You're right on track on the happiness/satisfaction curve. Respondents report the lowest levels of satisfaction with life between the ages of 40 and 50.

R78 was she one of those " be honest and truthful about everything " therapists? One of the biggest lies pushed by modern pop psychology is that we should be honest 24/7. More misery is caused by blabbermouths who share too much than old school more discrete types of people.

Hang on to hope op! You are still young

R68 is right on the money, as far as I'm concerned. Alcohol has a big impact on the tone of our emotional life, even during the sober parts of the day, if one is drinking every day. Cutting it out goes a long way to resolving emotional times, you'll also sleep better and that extra rest is restorative. All the people I know who are middle-aged, and who smoke pot every day, are apathetic, helpless dreamers; they are like they are emotionally paralyzed, incapable of any real practical organization of their lives; I don't know how it is, it could just be a coincidence, but I know about 4 potheads who are over 40, and they are all floating along on the same boat to Nowhere, numb...

Exercise is important too, and people who don't ever get any seem to have problems because of it; the body evolved through pretty continuous daily exertion, and most of us in the West certainly don't get that nowadays. It also appears that your diet can impact your emotional tenor: when I lived in NYC I had bad trouble dealing with the early dark in the Fall and Winter, esp when I lived in a north-facing apartment. I started eating flax seed and walnuts (for the Omega III fatty acids), and I swear it made a difference after a couple of weeks or so. -R52

R83 That is some good advice. I probably get no omega 3s, even though I take 1.5 grams of spirulina every day.

Not advocating homeopathic or nutritional cure-alls, but I must say that I feel a little bit more chipper starting the day when I breakfast on a green vegetable & oat smoothie with pumpkin/flax/nigella seeds thrown in. I also try to add other healthy things like nut butter or ground almond, chopped fresh fruit (not too much, mindful of sugar), yoghurt or cottage cheese, and organic local eggs and honey. Even though it hasn’t cured my depression, it has boosted my nutrient and calorie intake (which suffers when I’m down), and has slimmed my waistline.

You need to get healthy, OP. You sound defeated as fuck.

Stay hydrated

[quote] I'm 45 and ready to die.

Can I have your stuff?

R80 is right - as well as the poster above about male mid-life crisis. It's a very very real thing - you start to feel trapped and wonder how the rest of your life is going to go, but you need to make a change, but WHAT?

I finally got the balls to quit my great job at 47 and, while there have been some bumps, I'm happier than I've ever been before. Moved cross-country and started a new job and new relationship. All worked out fine.

OP - you can't afford NYC anymore and, unless you have a ton of money or rent-controlled apartment, it's definitely not a city I would want to grow old in.

You need to see a therapist to help you through the change. And yes - you need to move out of NYC. All of these stressors are enough let alone having financial worry constantly because you live in a very expensive city.

You're still young enough to write a new chapter - but the window for that closes in a few years and time goes by very quickly.

It’s never too late

OP I’m like 17 years younger than you, but I relate. Internal nihilism and apathy is hard to overcome, and if you figure out how then lmk.

Your generation wrote the angsty emo music that helped mine make it out of adolescent hell, so thanks for that at least.

OP, I'm also 45 and feel distressed. I hate my job. I got a "promotion" which they lied about and the job was more than what I agreed to (and which I should have got in writing) and dealing with my own personal issues and mental health. I thought by 45 I would have my shit together, but I feel even more lost and displaced.

I get where you're at OP. I'm about the same age and I relate with every single word you wrote.

For me? It's more a cost/gain analysis situation. I'm not really prepared financially to live a long life. Like you, OP, I chose a field in the arts (I assume so anyway). I've definitely had successes, but not enough to retire at a "normal" age - unless something miraculous happens in the next 15 years. And it very well could. But I can't count on that, of course.

I chose that tough field in the arts - and did so happily and with no regrets - so I've only myself to blame for my current situation. However, I still have to do what is the most common sense for me. I have no family money. My partner and I will be splitting up at any moment (it's been loveless for too long now.). I am still handsome, I guess, but I have no desire to meet anyone.

Again, these are all my choices. I am happy to live with. Or not.

I don't want to burden anyone as I age. Frankly, other than two siblings, I won't have anyone to burden! I also have don't want to be reliant on the state. Or whatever happens to aging people with no family and no money.

The whole "it gets better" thing is true for teenagers. But not so true for 40 somethings. Barring something out of left field, where most of us are now, is where we'll be in twenty years. Plus a pension, social security, or a 401k (I have none of those sadly.) I realize a few DLers have bucked that trend. And good for you! But that isn't the norm.

Suicide, to me, is a viable option. I am not suicidal in the oh-woe-is-me way at all. It's pragmatic for me. I'll do it in a heartbeat before I'm a burden or before I can live a modestly independent life.

Wait until you all hit 60 . You dont know from depression .

Yikes! R94. Getting older is overated

No, OP, I'm good, but thanks. Hope you're feeling better soon. :(

R22

What a bunch of crap. They can really make a difference. It's too bad some people don't take more necessary risks to find a different perspective in life.

For me, letting go of the malignant optimism that somehow things are going to plateau and get better, easier, less complicated, more affordable, etc. I think we grew up with this American idealism that all hills are surmountable with enough willpower, drive, belief in yourself, etc. However, you reach an age where there’s only so much you can do. I worked two jobs during the Recession and ended up with chronic illness due to being over stressed and overworked. What I am trying to do post-COVID, post-Trump, etc is mot care so much about the world at large and focus on my own survival and well-being. That’s all that matters now.

I feel like at this point I don’t have the time or energy to devote to much besides seeking a little professional, financial, and personal peace of mind. I feel like I’m getting out of a bad relationship with myself. I’m letting go of the life I feel I should be living and and just being pragmatic—living the life I am in. I’m no longer going to live like none of this should be happening—or that if I just hold on long enough, things will improve. Right now I’m working on selling off a lot of unnecessary belongings, getting my finances in order, and living a more simple, uncomplicated life. If at the end of the day my basic needs are met, great.

Also, for those who keep recommending counseling, psychiatrists etc—if you need medical help, get it—but if you know what you need to do, do it. Telling someone who is paid to listen and pretend to care is just a waste of time. It’s not going to change your reality. Action and wise, and usually difficult decisions are what make the difference. Telling someone about it over and over is just mental masturbation.

For all the big talk from others, most people are not concerned about your well-being unless it’s convenient. I think as gay men, some of us are able to get by with our Peter Pan Syndrome longer than others, but there comes a time when we all have to grow up and realize life is not fabulous just because we pretend it is on social media. But the opting out is not the answer—getting real is.

Sorry if this comes off as nihilistic, but this is the reality I’ve had to work through myself the past couple of weeks and it’s kind of like a grieving process—letting go of magical thinking “this isn’t happening”—and facing reality head on is the only choice.

At the same time, it’s kind of freeing,, because living in a kind of belief system that doesn’t exist is a kind of prison of suspended animation, always waiting for a bright new day that’s just around the corner. The only bright day is the one you make. Start working on yours.

*not care so much about the world at large

Stop giving people power over you!

For those of you who advocate moving out of NYC because it's so expensive, what exactly do you pay in rent?

Because when you add a car payment, insurance and gas to that number, NYC no longer seems so expensive.

This is true. In most places, you are better off giving up your home than your car. At least with a car you can get to work. With no car, good luck having a job.

I haven't had a car in 30 years, thank you very much. Other places do have good public transit.

Move to the Inland Empire!! In Palm Springs you'd be considered a TWINK!!!

Perhaps you might find some gratitude for your life so far and go from there.

Yeah, at age forty-five the catwalks of Milan might no longer come calling and professional setbacks are common.

Quit being dramatique, get off your pity pot and do something DIFFERENT! Otherwise, you're just stewing in it!

In ten years time people will be starting threads titled “I’m 35 and ready to die.”

Self-hatred due to ageism in a society ruled by short-term thinking and youth will become a mental health issue in the near future.

R106 word. I’m having a slow protracted breakdown, because I’ll turn 30 next year and honestly I have no idea how to cope with that.

[quote]Self-hatred due to ageism in a society ruled by short-term thinking and youth will become a mental health issue in the near future.

Um, how about now, fueled by DL, where there are constant comments about how being over 35 = eldergayness, desperation and ruin.

We are the first post-AIDS gay generation that gets the privilege to live to an old age because of anti-HIV drugs and PrEP.

And what do we hear and internalize everywhere, especially on DL? That we're better off dying at 29.

Ian McKellen says age is just a number, and that emotionally and creatively and spiritually he feels like a youngun still.

People are usually not really tired of life — they are tired of their current situation. Keep that in mind and don't lose perspective, OP.

Sending you a big hug.

Thongs probably woulda been better for everyone had I died at 45.

Meh... I have people I would strongly prefer to see die first.

Be careful, OP. A dating situation didn't work out one year. I lost the will to live. A year later I nearly died from Non Hodgkin Lymphoma Stage IV (there is no Stage V). I am certain this was brought on by my losing the will to live bringing on a reduction in my body's ability to use its immune system to its full potential, thereby admitting the disorder that caused the cancer.

I'm sorry for your ordeal, R112, but you are frankly insane to believe that.

None of what you say is even remotely based in science.

[quote]Thongs probably woulda been better for everyone had I died at 45.

Well, that goes without saying.

Why do half the comments at the Datalounge appear to be bullshit?

We used to be about amusing "collective fiction" r115, and somewhere along the way it became "dumb people saying stupid stuff that only other dumb people believe to be true."

It's no longer "my partner is livid at people paying for Once Around The Garden but making multiple trips to the salad bar," and now "I'm suicidal, are you suicidal too? Everyone on DL is poz and over 70, we should do a mass suicide about it."

I am not suicidal and said that. I didn't ask for advice, either, although it's sweet that people have offered it.

I simply asked if other middle-aged gays were also experiencing a life derailment and wondering if it's all worth continuing. And the replies indicate several others are.

No one else is writing or talking about this. If we can't talk about it on DL, where else can it be discussed?

[quote]No one else is writing or talking about this.

The constant threads we have about this say otherwise. There is always at least one thread like this active at any given moment, whether it's about meds or health issues or caring for elder parents or climate change fears. Always.

[quote]There is always at least one thread like this active at any given moment, whether it's about meds or health issues or caring for elder parents or climate change fears. Always.

a) Meds, health issues, caring for elder parents and climate change fears seem like fodder for a lot of different threads. Not sure how that applies to or disqualifies what OP or others are going through. If it's not a thread for you, keep scrolling.

b) If DLers want to discuss those things, maybe that's valid. Because where else can they do it.

c) When I come to DL these days, I see "constant" threads about Meghan Markle, race-baiting, and horrible tabloid stories about straight people abusing and killing each other. I don't see "constant" threads about how gay people are thinking, feeling and trying to proceed through life. I would hope there would be "at least one" of these threads apparent "at any given moment."

OP is tiresome as as a UTI

join a mental health support group or get a shrink

don't come on to the DL to bring everyone down with your bitching and moaning

Oh, so it's just a pity party?

Carry on.

Fuck no! I'm forty-one, and am so excited for the rest of my life. I hope that you're able to soon fix whatever ails you, OP.

[quote]If it's not a thread for you, keep scrolling.

I'm gonna get MARY'ed for weeks for saying this, but it's true: I worry about a lot of people on Datalounge. I think there's a lot of people with bad intentions who are purposely trying to make the vulnerable more worried and scared than they already are. I think these threads (and the "COVID will kill us all" threads) feed off the uncertainty and fear a lot of DLers are facing, and I think it's INCREDIBLY harmful for some people on here to constantly see "When my parents die, I'm committing suicide" or "I'm 45 and ready to die" or "Life isn't worth living anymore, is it?" threads active on DL constantly.

I also don't like to see people giving out good, honest advice to others who are simply misery mongers or trolls. The fact that you want to make this seem like it's a common gay issue makes me VERY wary of your intent. "Where else can gays go to say that they want to die at age 45? We gays need to be able to say this out loud" doesn't sound like it's being said in good faith.

Finally, as others have said, if you or anyone here has a serious problem, Datalounge is the last place you should go for help.

[quote]I think there's a lot of people with bad intentions who are purposely trying to make the vulnerable more worried and scared than they already are.

Bitch, who has the time??

You think that just because there are Russian trolls out there, that gay people can't express their frustrations and fears on a gay message board? That all that should be ignored? That everyone who feels bad is a misery monger or troll? You are doing their work for them.

News flash: Gay life in 2021 is FUCKING HARD, and some of us are looking for community and support, and we don't always have positive feelings when reaching out for such.

u lucky duck, im 74 and its horrible. ev thing aches.....ur young thang....get cute trix.

[quote]That everyone who feels bad is a misery monger or troll?

I never said anything like that AT ALL, and in fact mentioned the people on here who are truly going through things and are being taken advantage of.

[quote]some of us are looking for community and support

The absolute gall. I said clearly that I was worried about my fellow Dataloungers being taken advantage of, and you trying to twist that into saying that I don't want people to have community and support?

I want the people on here who need it to get real support and have a real community, not to get screwed over by anger addicts like you.

There is a huge difference between the mostly genuine threads talking about real problems, and the misery porn posted by trolls who get off on it. You can try all you want to make it seem like I said the genuine threads don't belong here, but anyone able to read knows I specifically called out the misery porn. Not the genuine posts.

You know that, too, but you're desperate for attention.

Picking up and moving at 45 is not easy and you're likely to be miserable elsewhere. If the internet has killed your field in NYC, it will have killed it everywhere else and you need to assess what skills you have that go beyond whatever field you consider to be yours---have you managed people? have you been responsible for developing/managing projects? Do you have technical skills?

You're likely to be invisible elsewhere, if you're invisible in NYC. Some places have more of a "daddy" culture than elsewhere but that only buys you so much extra time and you have to be "presentable" to take advantage of that. I suspect NYC is a better place to be a Daddy than, say, Atlanta where it's really a twink culture. Palm Springs is fine if you're an escort or have investments that allow you to buy a house and essentially retire. Housing is rapidly becoming unaffordable in all kinds of places---don't assume moving will automatically save you money and things like utilities can be expensive in otherwise "affordable" cities.

Stay away from therapists who talk more than you do and have lots of advice. You need to figure this out. It doesn't sound like you're destitute, but have genuine financial worries for the future.

R127 is right with not getting a therapist ego talks more than they allow you to talk. It's a massive red flag. Don't get a therapist by the name of Ken Howard who works at Gay LA Therapy. He talks incessantly and only let's you talk after your session is nearly over. He also yawns constantly when you do get a chance to speak. He is such a con Therapist.

who*^ - spelling correction

There actually is a lot of stuff at NYC’s Gay community center. There are gay men’s choruses, marching band, etc. try getting involved and you will meet friends and probably lovers.

R114, I will wear a thong just for you. Picture Jabba the Hutt by way of a Wookie mother, but dainty and living in Mother's basement.

R113 I'm sure r112 had a predisposition to the illness but I don't think what he's saying is impossible. I had about 4 years of severe sustained psychological trauma and developed massive physical and health issues that were not appropriate for my age. I am not a smoker, excercise regularly and have a clean diet. I do believe the stress and emotional pain might have caused these problems to appear earlier then they might have.

R57 It's common knowledge internet rightoids are suicidal and mentally unstable, really, go take a peek. Most of them dont want to face it and start acting out like teenagers. Like, a is more valuable as a person than any of those dregs.

That doesn't stop them from taking actual time from their lives to visit gay boards, but its like a schizoprhenic calling a depressed person crazy.

I mean, do you know about the right-wing->incel->trans pipeline?

[quote]The love of my life took off a few years ago because he wanted to fuck a 25-year-old

Have you thought about anal rejuvenation surgery?

I’m looking to relocate myself and I’m older than OP.

I have a lot of reservations about moving, but I’m living in the Southwest and there’s a lot of talk about us running out of water long term. I think a lot of people are glossing over how bad global warming and drought is going to get. I’m still young enough to be able to physically handle a move, but I don’t want to be doing it later, when I’m too old to do it by myself and it’s unlivable here.

I’ve been reading a lot about physically unstable parts of the country lately:

Boise: a lot of hipsters, but medical care is #50 in quality and availability.

Santa Fe: seriously running out of water and the local farmers are just hanging by a thread. Some water sources have dried up.

Nevada, Arizona: the Colorado River water treaty between five states was signed in 1920. Back then, NV and AZ had very small populations, and the treaty gives them very small percentages of water. They have grown enormously but can’t get a bigger percentage. There’s a clause in the treaty that says if there’s a severe drought, their water gets cut even more. Well, guess what.

Oregon, Washington: housing price have skyrocketed. It’s only going up from here. Also, fires.

Great Lakes area: cold, lots of rain causing the lakes level to rise. But they are probably some of the best areas for global warming.

Florida: everything I read says sea level rising is causing increased flooding, and global warming is increasing hurricanes. And it’s full of Trumpers moving from all over the country to Trumper Mecca.

New Orleans: will be underwater.

California and the west coast is just huge fires all summer now, and the smoke travels East and affects the air quality in a lot of other places directly downwind.

If anyone has a good idea for someplace with water that isn’t Arctic temperatures, by all means.

R135 Move to Vancouver, dude. If you don't mind a million Asians. I'm sure there are a million young gay Canadians who'd line up to marry you in a heartbeat. You will need to be a billionaire to afford to buy a house though.

R136, I looked into that when Trump won the primary. I don’t qualify. I would need a couple of million to buy my way in. That’s why there’s so many Asians.

R123, the other thing that gives OP away as a troll is that she has no prior posting history. Only this thread. Classic troll, why? Because you have to have karma or pay $$ to start threads. Which means OP either paid for a brand-new account for this post, or parked a browser tab opened to DL long enough to get karma to post.

And the premise is utter bullshit - seeking commiseration over passive suicidal ideation. It's ridiculous.

And R135, SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE much?

Why is gay male culture so shallow and dehumanizing.

It's not R139 and you know it. There are lots of Chineserussian troll accounts trying to make it so, in threads like this one.

R140, it’s not just this thread.

[quote] Why is gay male culture so shallow and dehumanizing.

Straight culture isn’t much better.

Had I ended my life I would not have experienced: 2 major moves to exciting cities

The end of my second marriage to a woman followed by several hot relationships

2 career changes resulting in much more income

Meeting and marrying for the third time to my beautiful husband

Having experienced 10 grandchildren and one great grandchild

Life can be amazing at any age. It’s your choice for happiness.

It seems that about every 10 years, I go through a moderate or major self-reinvention. I change jobs, move to new towns, change my look, study up on a new field, etc. I'm sixty years old now and starting to ramp up the latest reinvention, I'm studying and trying to arrange an internal transfer that will totally change my job and my life... and you know what, OP? This is NORMAL! It's a huge fucking strain every time, but seriously, this is how people live now, and yeah - I spent yesterday afternoon discussing things with another 60-year-old who's going through the same damn thing. The world is constantly changing, technology and the job market are constantly changing at a horrific rate, and unless people are lucky enough to settle into some congenial and unchanging field, well, we have to learn new shit and change our lives to adapt to a changing world.

Of course it's not easy, it's incredibly hard every time, but OP, I suspect that's not the only reason you're having trouble starting the process. Because if you'd settled in NYC with "the love of your life", maybe you thought you had the perfect life, and could it be that you're not just reluctant to get your hopes up and put yourself through all the trouble of moving, job-hunting, and new education... maybe you don't want to let go of the old dream of the perfect life in New York?

R143 is the only one on this Thread who actually should die for being bi and posting here. R143 is also a typical bi slut.

I can relate to some of these feelings, OP. I am looking to try microdosing mushrooms in order to reconnect with my sense of wonder and love for life. I have yet to find a source, tho.

Weed helps r146

I need a source for that, too, r146. Can you hook me up?

OP you need to find a job you can like. Don't worry about the salary for now. You have to LIKE the work. You'll probably have to relocate.

Probably would be helpful if the work you like includes contact with people who return positive energy to you.

R144

You have the right attitude.

For people who are willing to change, life can be pretty exciting.

That is interesting r144 and rather hopeful. I am a little curious about details. I realize you probably can't be super specific, but can you say roughly what fields or overall careers you've been in the past couple of times you changed. Do you generally pick up and change towns, and then job hunt, or is it generally some kind of transfer within the same big company or at least the same overall industry?

Sorry to be nosey, but I'm really needing some kind of big change in my life right now, and could use a little inspiration.

It’s very hard sometimes, I think most people can agree on that. But it has its rewards, and if others can find happiness, you can too.

R144 here, thanks for getting back in touch OP, I was a bit worried about you. So I'm not going to be super-specific, but the big life changes that happen every 10 years or so usually involve 2 out of 3 of moving to a new town, changing jobs, and starting or ending a significant relationship. The change I'm trying to pull off now involves working for the same employer in a field different enough from my old job to require a lot of crash study, and the new job will probably mean a new home closer to that office. The biggest change was in my early forties, where my old life fell apart and I spent my life savings on education in a healthcare field, and moving and dumping an asshole and moving to another state, etc. It was difficult and a huge gamble, but at the time it felt rather adventurous.

Now I had two things going for me, the first was that I'm thankfully gay, which meant I wasn't tied down by offspring the way a heterosexual of my age would have been, and you've got that going for you as well.

The other things that made it all psychologically doable was that my life has never been close to perfect, I've never had the man, house, or job of my dreams... which meant that all these life changes were for the better. Every time I made a change there was hope, and something to look forward to, and I wasn't usually giving up anything I treasured. But you, OP, genuinely thought you'd settled down with the love of your life, and you live in a city that people value hugely (overvalue IMHO), so the same probably isn't true for you. It sounds like you damn near had it made for a while, and when a person feels like they'd made their dreams come true it's incredibly difficult to let go of the dreams, and anything associated with them, such as living in New York where if you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. How hard would it be to give up New York?

I think there’s this prevailing myth that you can just move to a small town/smaller city a la Alice/One Day at a Time and find a job that pays decently and affordable housing and live happily ever after. It’s not that easy. First, moving is expensive, and decent-paying jobs are hard to come by in smaller areas (and usually you are seen as an “outsider” so you probably aren’t going to get priority on any job right off the street). Plus, rent isn’t cheap anymore in my opinion. You used to be able to pick up and relocate, to some degree, but picking up and moving without some money in the bank and a secure job these days is a real risk. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but be pragmatic.

I'm 59 and lost my surviving parent last year.

My work has been sporadic at best but for reason is holding right now.

I'm actively trying to find a way to make more $$.

I recently joined Tinder but a lot of the guys five years younger than me look five or more years older.

OP, I've been where you are. Try to focus on the positive. 45 ain't 50 and I found out 50 doesn't mean dead.

I've had my heart broken, too. It sucks. Try to think about the asshole less each day.

“I recently joined Tinder but a lot of the guys five years younger than me look five or more years older.”

That’s because THEY ARE.😁

Nothing is happening in New York now except an increase in crime. Move to a smaller town like Sayville LI. Everything is going on as always because it's not dependent on tourists and tech and finance companies for its survival. It's cheaper, cleaner. friendlier. NY is an hour away by LIRR and FI is 25 minutes away by the Sayville Ferry. You could also use the LIRR to commute to a job in LI.

R154 is correct, it's no longer possible to just up stick and find a new job and a new home on a whim. However, it's now possible to apply for and interview for jobs without leaving your own couch. So with all the changes in the labor market, and the "great resignation" as older folks retire en masse and people look for ways to not go back to the office, maybe the OP can find something he wants to do in a place with a better cost of living than NYC.

Of course moving to any new place for a new job and needing a new social life is a huge risk... but staying in a place with an insanely high cost of living is a guaranteed losing financial strategy if you're just scraping by like the OP.

It's just YOU. There is zero, and I mean ZERO demand for a depressed, self-pitying middle-aged bottom (OP MUST be a bottom) out there. Change your ways. Only dominant tops have a future. I'm 55 and having the time of my life. I get 20-something and early 30-something hot guys for daddy-son role play easily. If, after the age of 35, you insist on being some queeny, ankles-behind-your-ears, mopey makeup bottom then start planning your funeral.

R11 = is (open) married.....How Trashy and "progressive" and "sacred" your marriage must be.....LoL

15 years and going on strong...how's yours? r160. Fuck sacred. Life's about fun.

R159 they're just after your wallet, Gramps.

There is NEVER a financial component, and the younger guys almost always initiate contact. I have to feel sorry for you bitter bottoms fingering yourselves in frustration.

I'm 56 and ready to die. Just marking time.

The world is dying

I'm 50 and I'm ready too. I have health problems but nothing that will kill me unfortunately.

The OP is responding to himself as different characters.

Use Ignore-far.

It’s a troll thread, as noted many times above.

Cis, white, gay man OP now wants to do what the new 'political' movements want him to do??

Darling, they've made clear they WISH he would do.

R168.

No. It's not always a downward spiral from 45, 40, 35, 50...

After 45 I restored a fantastic house, traveled like crazy, and focused not on meeting expectations or deadlines for achieving this or that marker of success but on what made me happy. After 55 I dated long-distance, travelled even more, married a man 20 years younger, moved to another country, learned another language, and made a new life for myself in a new place.

Did I get handsomer, fitter, younger, more financially successful along the way? No. I did though grow happier with what I have, less and less worried about what I don't have, and more willing to say yes and to take on new things.

Oh, I see

r170, are you a Cis White Gay Male, r170??

PROBLEMATIC

R171.

Life was fine, even great, until I hit about 40. Hit a wall. Hit another wall at 50-ish. It's all downhill from here. There's no upside anymore.

OP I hope you are an organ donor. At 45 your organs are still useful to others.

I need to sell my house and start over somewhere. I’ve lived here twenty years and have nothing to show for it, plus I’m living in a severe drought area and want to sell out before the water runs out. Maybe these people will continue moving to a place with absolutely no water to accommodate them, but I don’t see why or how.

I’ve been researching other places I’ve lived in and liked. They’re either very expensive or completely out of my range. I had a condo I was going to rent out, but after reading all the stories of people trashing their rentals, and having two tenants in a row do it to me, I am burnt out on it. I noticed on Zillow there were houses for sale, with a “not a rental, for sale only” watermark. I’m guessing they’ve had the same rental experience I have. It’s now really common for renters to just do tens of thousands of dollars in damage, like they’re trying to punish the landlord for having a house, out of jealousy. It’s like they think you’re Marie Antoinette. I’m not rich, I can’t afford to have one renter after another just try to total my house. Squatters got into and destroyed an out of state rental in the country. Literally to the point it had to be torn down. Instead of renting it at a good price, I now have to sell it as vacant land which is very hard.

You’re supposed to be making money, not losing it. I guess these people can somehow find housing without a lease, and a lot of them have an eviction moratorium right now anyway.

I am just at a loss in where to start over. I’ve looked everywhere, literally half the U.S. or more is projected to have severe water shortages. I don’t mean in fifty years, I mean a lot of these places are looking at maybe 5-10 years. If a bunch of climate refugees come pouring out of these places, goodbye affordable housing anywhere. The only places I’ve found that are likely to have a decent water supply are very deep red states run by Trumpers. Places like that aren’t good for infrastructure. If I was twenty years younger, maybe I wouldn’t need a decent hospital or freeway nearby, but I’m pretty near retirement. I’m too old to drive in blizzards or live in a wildfire every summer area.

I was looking at houses today in a forested area, there was a beautiful house the original owner has been in for decades. It was like a dream house. It was strangely cheap. I investigated and it turns out this forested area is fed by groundwater. The water level is dropping so much that pipes that used to be level with the ground are now three feet above the ground and still declining. The whole area is fed by groundwater which is overused. There’s no way to know when they’ll run out. I got the impression the owner knew things were about to go bad and just wanted out at any price. They’re likely retirement age.

Is there anywhere left that’s not going to be a complete hellhole in five years? I can’t find it. And for our Russian trolls, Siberia is burning too. It’s unbelievably hot there and no people or fauna and flora are remotely able to handle the heat, they’re not built for it.

Sorry to sound so defeatist, the more I look the worse it sounds. As soon as I research a little bit, everywhere that sounds nice is running out of water. Not in “our grandchildren’s lifetimes” like the politicians say either. Soon.

Is Sayville the new hotspot? I just had a look and prices are cheap. Are there lots of gays and stuff to do?

Yeah. Give up., OP. That’s the answer. Never got me anywhere, but a lot of my friends gave up. Sure got them far. But by all means, don’t try to better your life. Just quit and die.

I'm 56 and have felt this way for two years now. I've been on most of the anti-depressants out there. I use to be really driven and resilient. That has all faded. It has nothing to do with being depressed about looking older. My life, despite my efforts has led me to a very unfulfilled place. I don't seek money and never have. I can live quite modestly. For me it has to do with my love life not ending up how I would have liked, as well as the ability to be engaged in work that is stimulating. I don't feel I had very delusional expectations, but maybe I did in the end. The depression now dulls even the things that I use to enjoy.

R177 - I have been trying since things opened up again on April 1 and have gotten a pitiful amount of stuff done. Did a bunch of medical stuff and dental I had to catch up on and one trip but in the rest...can't even get myself to make the bed. I am at a loss as to how to get a jolt to get me back into 2019 mode. I mean the woman who lives with me is the same but at least she has the explanation of menopause, yet I am the one feeling blah. What the hell? My nightly wine bottle is the only thing I look forward to and I was always a "never give up", gym 5X a week guy and yes, at 41 people thought 26...but that was all due to me exercising, being always "up", taking care, etc. Now...can't even get my ass out of the house until 3 PM.

OP: retire early. Like now. That will give you time to sit at home, uncloud your mind, and contemplate what to do next, without the stress of juggling work. Life was meant to be fun! Focus on making it so. What would YOU like to do? Just go and do it. No one is stopping you.

R180 - I think the OP is talking about loss of motivation to do anything.

OP, can I have what's on your iPod?

OK, with the obligatory DL bitchiness out of the way, please don't give up so easily, OP. Do you have enough saved up to move out of NYC to a smaller city and start a new life? Which industry do you work in? You may still be able to acquire new skills. You are only in your forties.

Right there with you buddy.

I'm 38, have a good job, own a very nice house, am married, have two dogs and drive a fancy car.

I'm getting a divorce, which is sad and sucks but isn't then worst. My family has always been a wildcard and my mom in particular knows how to cut me where it hurts.

I am well off so I'm very generous with both money and time but i have been deeply disappointed in some of my best friends, and people in general.

For a while now I've been feeling like you. When I was a kid I imagined this all differently.

It takes getting everything you ever wanted, then losing it, to know what true freedom is

So you have everything R183 and your mother is a bit of bitch to you sometimes, so you want to end it all like OP for trivial reasons!? God damn, weak men like you have no respect for life and certainly have zero resilience.

I'm so generous. I give and give and give,.and no one's ever generous to me! Boo hoo.

Tit for tat fuckers with your tallies, I somehow doubt any of you were ever half so generous as you thought. Covid seems to have shown much of DL that they hate their friends. All if them. Except Mother. It figures.

Well you are a bi coward R183 who got exposed finally for your closeted bullshit, so yes you should end it.

[quote]It takes getting everything you ever wanted, then losing it, to know what true freedom is

Quoting Lana Del Rey ...

Oh Dear.

R187 😂 R183 is pathetic. A pathetic man in everyway.

Oh no...the guy who beat up on poor, dead gay men George Michael and Freddie Mercury because they "were ugly bisexuals" is back! Honey, if you hate your bi ex, we are sorry, but this thread isn't the place to vent. Also, buy a gaydar and check your eyesight bitch. We had all we could swallow (and that's saying a lot on DL).

R189 is a stalker and a dumb fuck.

I am fucking crazy, but I am free!

[quote]It takes getting everything you ever wanted, then losing it, to know what true freedom is

Been there, done that. What I learned is that 'true freedom' is probably not going to work for you, either. It is the commitments to those around us and the closeness to them that give our lives its meaning.

Without that, you're adrift, directionless. You're trying to navigate by the stars, but those people in your life are the stars. Without them... you're lost.

This is R183 and R192

Hope you are feeling better, OP.

R192 - maybe true. Why I feel so lost so far from everyone out here.

I understand your loss but you also need to grow up, OP.

If you can't look around the world and find some meaning and contentment, you need to work on that. Because there are ways. Start with reconciling expectation with reality. DL says there is no God, no afterlife. So don't squander what you've got, self pitying fool.

That's harsh, R196.

I hope you wake up tomorrow with shingles.

That's loving, R197.

R178: sorry to hear you’ve been feeling that way for the last couple of years. Given we’ve been in all this corona crap for most of that time, maybe once things are more back to ‘normal’ you’ll feel better. If it’s your love life (or lack of) that’s mainly getting to you, the opportunity to meet someone has been pretty minimal the last 18 months too so that should pick up. Try not to see it as the way you’re going to feel indefinitely from now, it’s hopefully just a blip.

On the fulfilling world front, you say you’re happy to live modestly. Is there any chance of retiring soon and spending your time volunteering or taking a salary cut to do something you do care about?

^ fulfilling ‘work’ I mean

I think younger people don’t understand it’s not that easy to just reinvent your life, especially with everything still so precarious. It’s hard once you are older to just pop into a new career as often the career opportunities are not there for older folks. I would caution anyone who is middle aged to be pragmatic about their options and the kind of life/career you can keep up with. I used to be one of those bootstraps/better times are just around the corner types but with everything the way it is, and how it’s been the last four years, I don’t have energy to keep running so fast. Most of the time I feel like crying, but I don’t because it doesn’t help. I stay stoic and angry because it keeps md from being terrified. I just want a simple life I can afford Hope I can find one!

I've been that way for a while. I'm not suicidal. I don't think I'm depressed. I've just stopped caring. I'll continue going through the motions of life until my time is up.

If you're 45, then you've already been dead for 10 years in gay years, you are not wanted anymore.

Not to turn political....But Trump in the White House was such an endless depressing 4 year era. That didn't help anything. And the truth is the GOP have rigged the 2024 election so we Democrats have no chance of winning. We are all just waiting for the other shoe to drop. A special election in Ohio and ll day long the GOP Politicians post about the "DC Radicals" and the border wall and 2nd Amendment and post pictures of themselves with Trump. .....COMMERCIAL = This guy says he will STOP "critical race theory" and then says FREEDOM OF SPEECH is worth fighting for!!....WTF!!

This thread would be less depressing if it were about where to source suicide pills.

NYC has the highest percentage of 40 and 50-year-old single gay men in the country. With more than 2 million LGBT here in the tri-state area, one would think that it would be easy to find a romantic partner, and "one" would be terribly mistaken. Ageism is a huge problem in the gay community closely followed by racism. All the older guys here including myself only want to fuck twinks. Everyone that I know who is coupled either met their partner when they both were in their 20's or 30's or they are dating someone 15 to 20 years younger. No 40-50 y.o. guy wants to date someone their own age. Also, everyone here treats everyone else as disposable. Gay men do not value one another unless it is someone we can fuck.

I can sympathize with OP in some ways. I am not ready to die but I don't feel like I am living just merely existing. I've always described myself like Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man i.e. people see me but they don't. It's so easy to feel invisible in NYC if you're just an average-looking gay. I really want move to another country where their is less ageism and diversity is celebrated not just tolerated.

I keep my copy of Final Exit close by. 30 years ago as a gay twink I ran across it in a Castro Book Shop and was horrified by it. But at my age now I totally get it and bought it about 10 years ago...

It's just the nature of life. The real nature of life. Not what we think life is going to be when we are young. And when that big truth lands on us, it hits hard.

All through world literature, time and time again, we have the story of the young person who wants to forge out into the world and find happiness and success. Whether it is Candide or Dorothy Gale or Odysseus or the boy and girl in The Fantasticks, they end up much the worse for the wear, though possessed of some hard won knowledge. At 20 they want the world, but by the end of their story, they all accept the minimum and think it not so bad.

If you learned anything in your first 20 years of adulthood, the balance of your life is certain to be quite different than it was when you started out. I wish it was not this way, but since the same goddamned story keeps being told again and again all throughout world literature, I think we are stuck with it. Build your house. Chop your wood. And make your garden grow.

The loneliness element that appears again and again is crushingly sad to read. We really need to reach out to one another with better skill. As a group, gay people have had a lot of obstacles needlessly thrown at them. But It can be better than it is now. We have to do it. For ourselves, but also for one another.

Well said, R208. This is a good doc on The Hero’s Journey you are talking about. Might be helpful to some here!

We're facing climate disasters, pandemics, and half the population is stupid, bigoted, and brainwashed fascist morons.

What reason is there to be hopeful or to want to continue to live?

We haven't had a sad sack poster in a while.

I condole you, OP.

I never thought I would get married, but last year I got married one week before turning 60. So don't give up. The key is compatibility.

Good for you, R212. That's the very best thing I've heard for weeks and weeks.

I am so happy for you. Mazel tov!

R212 Congrats on marrying your fleshlight, since no human'd go near you. 60! Jeesass.

No I’m not ready to die. Awful things happen - they’ve certainly happened to me - but unless someone is in terrible pain with a terminal condition you need to keep on keeping on.

Why are so many gay men so shallow?

60, fat, prone to depression, estranged from my family, and borderline ugly here, and yes, I've given up on romantic love but that doesn't mean I've given up on life.

I have some real friends, I'm facing new challenges as I spend all my time studying for a career change-up (interesting stuff BTW), I have a deep love of nature, in my spare time I'm involved in the arts both as a viewer and with a creative hobby of my own, etc. I can't overstate the importance of the last three in making life worthwhile, contact with nature, the arts, and creativity means your head spends time being joyful rather than dwelling on the bad stuff, it counteracts depression, anxiety, misery, loneliness, and all the other feelings that drag us down.

OP - I feel the same way. Not sure when but I will put an expiry date for myself. I am 51, but if I am in good health maybe 65. If not, much earlier. I never was attractive and never had romantic life. So not expecting any.

Seems all the uglies are looking to kill themselves. Good for youse.

Don't be a sissy!

How about orientals? Is there a place for us, finally?

I just posted this on the thread about the Aussie actor Dieter Brummer’s suicide and it’s probably worth posting here for anyone seriously considering ending it all. It’s a comment that was posted on an article about his death:

‘In the cold, dark light of night, people can believe this life is all too much. In the depths of despair, people can see no upside. But tomorrow, the sun will rise and there will be many moments even throughout a single day, that will be remembered for a lifetime.

Depression is a dwelling on the downside of our human existence. Life is a roller coaster for almost everyone except the empathy deprived and those who don’t engage in self reflection.

The people we lose through depression, are the people this world needs now. They are sensitive people who carry an unfair burden for a troubled world. Come through the night and celebrate the sunrise of a new day, a new adventure.’

Initially, I understood your angst and was sympathetic. But now I just want to slap your fucking face.

I'd kill to be 45 again. You've still got options, dumbass, use them. Jesus!

What options, R223?

45 is dead and rotting in gay years, according to DL.

[quote]Come through the night and celebrate the sunrise of a new day, a new adventure.’

I love WINNERS!

R222, I am a sensitive person and I can promise you, the world doesn’t need me now. Nobody is going to miss any sensitive people. The world is filled with too many screaming, enraged Trumpers for sensitive people to matter or be missed by anyone but their immediate family.

Bullying is the new normal. That’s why people like me are just tired. It’s not even “depression” as it’s classically understood. It’s like every time you walk out the front door, or turn in the news, your nerve endings are set on fire. That’s not internal, it’s external. It’s too much stress for a lot of people that don’t handle stress easily. There is no more thought of making accommodations for people that aren’t human bulldozers.

[quote]I'm 45 and ready to die. Anyone else?

Yes, OP.

I'm ready for you to die, too!

[quote]45 is dead and rotting in gay years, according to DL.

Fuck gay years. Fuck the distorted value system that created gay years (which I admit exist.) No one would mistake our lot for a model to live by.

So build your own model and shrug your shoulders at the gay years and all the other bullshit. Yes, life past a certain age is much different and parts of it are for the young, but compared to the black nothingness of not being alive, where there are no resets or do overs, there is something to be pulled from life.

I have known depression and sadness and doubt and burn out, like all of us, and I am neither a master of it nor a motivational speaker, but I understand the better side of the ledger is the almost always the one where you're living breathing. Middle age blues isn't a reason for anything except reconciling expectation with reality and making the best of that.

I am turning 70 next month and as long as I can continue to take care of myself, I want to live.

OP, if what you are doing isn't working for you, try something else, and then something else if that doesn't work. Nothing is likely going to change anything for you except you. Good Luck.

Jeez, folks. OP told you in his post that his partner left several years ago. He's lonely. Loneliness sucks the joy out of everything. And the answer to that is not to tell the poor guy, 'Buck up.' That facile advise misses the point. You can't just snap your fingers and manifest a partner. Or a brother or sister. Or children that never happened.

Only recently could gay people in America marry and build families as stable as achievable by straight people. The entire social system functioned to isolate us. And it worked. Any adult gay man in America grew up under that isolating system. OP is feeling the effect of it. Cut him a break.

Good luck, OP. It's not easy. I get it. I wish you well.

R226 Fuck the world. You're only responsible for you. Nobody else. If you're a miserable, psychotic cunt - that's on you.

R231, you are a miserable, psychotic cunt. And that's on you.

R232 - he's probably 100 times more miserable than the OP.

R226: if it’s external you can do something about it. The examples you give of stepping out your front door and turning on the news: the latter is easy. Stop watching whatever news channel that’s filling you with anxiety or depression at the state of things. Your front door is harder but it’s perspective. Is your neighbourhood/city really full of angry, deranged people everywhere? If these people are in your social circle, your job, etc and you have to deal with them everyday, change your social circle, your job even. Is there no green space or nature close to you? Get out for a walk in a big park.

This might be jumping to an unfair assumption but the fact you specifically mention ‘screaming, enraged Trumpsters’ makes it sound like you’ve become far too focused on the media and this ‘us vs them’ narrative that’s pushed to make us all angry, hateful, etc. More people voted for his opponents, why not focus on the other half of the population that aren’t Trumpsters? Perspective and outlook has a lot to do with it.

R232 Fuck off, Janbot cunt. Only Janbot is inbred and moronic enough to think that repeating exactly what you just said IS A FUCKING INSULT! Stupid repulsive cunt.

R234, I live in Las Vegas. I hope that explains to you why I feel I’m living near angry, deranged people. Today some nut job swerved her car to hit a cop and injured him badly. She was killed. She tied up traffic in a heavily traveled area.

A local supermarket in a nice area near me employed a disabled person, who was beaten and brutally attacked by some nut job. There was no security. No one helped him at first. Finally one or two people stepped in after he was badly injured, and they got kicked and attacked too. A lot of people saw this. My neighborhood was, and to look at now, still is, a nice neighborhood. Lots of nice retail nearby. But probably in this last year or so there are a lot of cases of violence in a previously peaceful neighborhood. I can’t park my car in front of my house any more, because some asshole slashed a lot of car tires. I live in a gated community with roving security. It’s hard to get in here. You have to show your drivers’ license or you can’t get in. Security cameras take a picture of your car license plate as you enter. I used to walk down the street late at night and feel perfectly safe. I’m not sure that’s true now. I’ve read my general area is now high crime, which shocks me because we have have never had this before.

As far as walking in nature, a cool day is a hundred degrees with humidity. Nobody walks in nature in the summer here.

About the screaming, enraged Trumpers, this state was majority Republican when I first came here. A lot of Californians have moved in and flipped it. Yes, there are some very angry, resentful Trumpers here and I don’t have to watch TV to hear them. I’ve been harranged at Lowe’s by employees, taken cabs and been lectured by people that you don’t know if they’re stable, who are driving you. I’ve read people on Nextdoor in my neighborhood this week say people should answer the door with a gun and shoot through the door if the person doesn’t identify themselves. This is not how normal people act. Where I live, people post Ring camera footage of any stranger and the entire neighborhood tries to identify the stranger. All these people are filled with paranoia and fear of their neighbor, and they’re living in a godamned fort.

Ok wow it does sound like you live in a stressful place R236. So, can you leave and find a less crazy city to live in?

R237, I’m looking now. This is a good time to leave. The Colorado River Treaty that was signed in 1928 or so only gave Nevada 4% of Colorado River water. We’ve added millions of people since then. I don’t think people realize, when the Hoover Dam was built, rivers were diverted and artificial lakes were made. It’s not just the dam. Some areas were covered in water, other areas that were farmlands had the water drained away. This is also true in California.

Hundreds of years ago, Las Vegas had natural groundwater sources and it was actually had natural green areas. This was all spent long ago. Now it’s 90% Colorado River water, because there’s nothing else left. Same thing is happening in California now.

You will never read this in the msm, but it looks like there’s only a few years of Colorado River water left, unless there’s suddenly years of heavy rain, which no one is expecting. I can’t even imagine what happens if one day millions of people wake up and there’s no more water, but that literally could happen. Once the water in Lake Mead drops below a certain level, no more water will come out. It could happen overnight when it gets low enough. And it will affect millions.

It’s just another thing to be anxious about. If Lake Mead stops, there’s going to be a huge panic and things could get very ugly. This is literally a situation where it’s so scary, city planners aren’t even planning for it. There is no plan.

I think about these realities as well. The scariest aspect of the Trump era it showed the lengths people (both leaders and constituents) are willing to go to deny reality or not confront real problems as a way of avoiding accountability. That’s what I find most distressing about media—so many people in leadership willing to say to the public whatever is the most convenient—even when it’s an obvious lie.. My mom talked about it being a “bad fire season” this year. Huh? A fire across multiple states is more than a bad fire season. It’s that level of obtuse thought on inconvenient realities that make me scared.

If Trump is truly keeping you up at night and causing you depression, you need to seek help and I don't mean that in a patronizing way. Something is very wrong if Trump is still effecting you.

R240 The Trump hating/blaming psychopaths will never let it go. Their hatred of the has been is the only thing keeping these psychopaths alive. There is absolutely nothing else to these psychotic fuckers.

R239, I think people are really uneducated about what’s going on because the media doesn’t cover it. Instead they cover Kardashians or actresses or whatever politician is throwing a tantrum this week.

The fire situation in the PNW is so bad now, there’s a fire in Oregon that’s creating it’s own weather. And the smoke is traveling 3,000 miles across the country and really affecting people, it’s not just a few days. There’s a measurement of soot in the air they use. Across from the Oregon/Washington area, it’s so high it’s not safe to go outside without a mask. People are saying it’s hard to breathe inside their house. Who knows what kind of kind of long term lung damage that’s going to do if it’s every year. People could end up with lung cancer. It’s like smoking packs of cigarettes a day. People in Reno are really getting it, but it’s affecting people all the way across.

R236 / R238, move to New York. We have plenty of water and we would love to have you here, too.

You seem to be just grand.

R176 Sayville NY is not the new hot spot and I never lived there. There is a gay bar that's been there forever The Bunkhouse and it's the town where you can get the ferry to FI and the LIRR stops there and can take you to the city. It has a nice main street, a movie theater, streets that are safe for bike riding, but it could be any town USA.

[quote]...but it could be any town USA.

Except for the CONSTANT parade of homosexuals from April through October.

[quote] I'm 45 and ready to die.

I hear blonds have more fun, you could just dye another way.

R240 is in denial of the danger that Trump still poses.

And R241 is the fucking psychopath, defending Trump like that. A white supremacist fascist traitor that got over half a million Americans killed, and who ended this country's history and tradition of peaceful transfer of power... What the fuck is wrong with you?

R247 STFU, psychopath. You've been screaming about Trump every day for how many years now. Good thing is, it will kill you though.

Sounds like you need to spend some time on this thread OP =

R206

I appreciate your honesty.

Mother Theresa talked about the spiritual poverty of the U.S. and this thread proves she's right. Most of us have our material needs met but we're unhappy.

This earth was never meant to be our permanent home, and life on earth will never satisfy our souls. And let's face it, R206, what you said about 40 to 50 year old men wanting to fuck twinks shows you're aware of how we delude ourselves.

They say that service to others does lift you out of depression.

The OP has also posted about hating being gay and wishing he could become straight.

Let him die.

At least you aren’t Kevin Sessums! Begging to get fisted and leering at boys with your legs splayed out at a coffee shop

Cheer up, it might happen.

R248, Trump is the sociopath/psychopath. And apparently you. Stop living in denial.

I am tired of living with this malignant optimism that things will somehow get easier/better. 2010-20 was basically Recessiom/Trump/COVID, with me trying to survive and stay optimistic despite terrible personal and economic struggle. Now, the blinders are off. I feel more like I’m trapped in a dystopian nightmare of shitty people and equally shitty circumstances I can’t escape from. It’s kind of sad letting go of hope for a better life, but I better start being even more pragmatic.

R255 Maybe you should try doing something constructive for the community or something that will get you out of yourself and focused on other people. If things are shitty, try doing something to help improve people's lives. Volunteer for something social or political that will give you a sense of being part of a society.

12 step garbage r256. Op has a right to express his feelings.

But other people suck. They refuse to wear a mask to protect themselves and others, they refuse to get vaccinated to protect themselves and others and bring an end to this pandemic, they vote for blatant liars and bigots, and are just all manner of nasty and willfully stupid and vile and selfish and obnoxious.

I'm not sure humanity is worth saving.

Hopefully you get hit by a bus or semi-truck today. Then problem solved. You should help it along.

R257 So he has a right to express his feelings, and you do, calling my post garbage, but I don't have any right to say anything? I don't know anything about 12 step programs. Once when I was depressed, my mom told me to try this, and it made a difference in my life. I posted it to try to help this person.

OP, I'm 45 and I am NOT ready to die!!!!

R259, OP hates being gay and wishes he could convert to straight.

Don't cry for me. I've had a full life. Oh, the things I've seen. The first Clinton administration. The Nagano Olympics. Microsoft Windows '95.

But I'm 41 now. Time to die.