Gerrard, Lampard, or Scholes?

Lampard for me.

R1 I literally screamed like a stepped-on cat. What the actual FUCK. My eyes...

R2 It's quite a well known video. Also starring Rio Ferdinand and Keiron Dyer.

When Plato talks of soulmates in THE SYMPOSIUM—Aristophanes’ concept of one soul split in two to appease the Gods—he’s really talking about Lampard & Gerrard.

Some people cite weight as the differential, and I’m like??? What does that have to do with the assist/goal records of adult men?

Meghan!

R3 I feel like the world never needed to see Rio Ferdinand in a naked sexual situation.

What’s really rude and hurtful is the persistent argument that Lampard & Gerrard’s partnership in the same England squad was redundant (they were both vitally strong players in centre-field), totally useless and lacking chemistry (they were badly managed on-pitch, and the entire team lacked vision/strategy), and responsible for pushing an already-ageing disinterested Scholes out of his position on the right and eventually out of the team (he was leaving and didn’t give a shit anymore, anyway). Had the right planning and fieldwork been in place for that squad to start with, we would have seen a different midfield partnership and thereby the best of Lampard/Gerrard working as one.

According to our poll, it’s between Scholes & Lampard so far.

As far as stats go, Lamps leads the three on Premier League assists, goals-per-game, and international goals—arguably he’s a natural striker who was forced to play in midfield, so this makes sense. Being the least naturally-talented and naturally-fit of the three, he had to work on his own skills and stamina harder than most, which may account for his final scoresheet.

Gerrard however scored more Cup final goals, converted more free kicks and has a better international assists record than either of the other two. Stevie also has more Team of the Year awards and Ballon d’Or votes than the other two combined (Scholes never got one vote for the Ballon d’Or). He’s a more popular player and a more natural powerful goal-scorer than most other English players in history.

Scholes ranks better than the others in terms of technique, and by a simple Premier League trophy count, but that’s because he played the longest term (25 years) with the good fortune to spend that time with an unusually-powerful and worldbeating team (Fergie’s boys) in their ascendancy. Stevie by contrast had to drag a team of losers and a useless manager up to his level kicking and screaming, while Frank didn’t have as many responsibilities to his team in that respect given that Mourinho & Terry were strong and willing enough to shoulder the responsibility instead. Still, Scholes spend over two decades astonishing great international players into stunned silence, so that has to mean something.

This is a tricky question, where the answer changes depending on how one tilts the kaleidoscope.

Frank is the classiest and most televisual one, but I’m not sure we can count posho charm in his favour as a player.

Steven Gerrard has perfect hair and a more handsome face than the others, but since he’s always frowning so much and mumbling and sitting or standing hunched up, it’s harder to appreciate.

Certainly Gerard since he has the biggest dong.

//thread closed

Dare we ask just how R11 knows that?

Starting to think that it’s a trick question by clickbait media. If you think about it, none of those three are EPL midfielders in the traditional and pragmatic sense.

The real answer is Michael Carrick.

Gerrard is the best man-manager.

Taking goals and pens out of the equation (arguably an unfair metric), it’s Scholes. He made his team into winners.

It says a lot that the likes of Messi, Iniesta and Xavi would all clamour to watch Paul train, talk to him or wear his shirt, over Frank & Steven. Even John Terry—Frank’s best friend, and Steven’s national team Captain—said that he’s never seen anyone as amazing as Scholesy in training.

Adorable current midfielders Declan Rice & Kalvin Philips are doing more for England’s national squad than any of these three. And they may go on to do as well or better for the domestic League too—the potential is definitely there.

Plus they’re much nicer lads.

Liverpool are the least evil team of the three, relatively-speaking. So Stevie wins.