What Would You Ask Your Pet(s) if they Could Answer You?

If I had a nickel for every time I asked my dog, "Then, what do you want?"

[quote] "When you're running across the living room floor and you stop dead in your tracks and start licking a part of your body, what is that all about?"

Duh, I got an itch. Really that is what you want to ask me?

Are you happy?

Why are you looking at me? Why do you follow me around? What are you expecting from me?

"Do you really like kibble?"

To my cat: Why do you get so mad when I try to pick you up and hold you? Why do you always make such a fuss about it? Is it really that bad?

To my dog: Do you still miss your first Dad? Are you happy here?

To my cat: Why won’t you love me?!

R6, how would you feel if someone picked you up against your will?

To my dog : Who’s your favorite person?

My senior cat was picked up as a stray. He’s so social and loving I’d love to ask him what happened and how he ended up on the streets. Makes me sad but he’s happy now.

I would ask my two cats, what is it exactly that you want to eat?

To both of my dogs: Did you ever imagine your life would be this good?

"What first attracted you to eat your own vomit and why do you like it so much?"

R13 types Basset Hound owner.

I'm constantly asking one of the cats, "What are you DOING?" but I never get an answer. Maybe it's better that I don't know. Ignorance is bliss. However, I have saved a number of mice with my interfering ways.

Do you feel imprisoned since I live in the city and can't let you outside?

Pea-green nail polish: edgy, or icky?

"Do you enjoy soaps, quiz shows or the news?"

To my dog: what is your favorite food?

I would ask my puppy: Why do raid the cat’s litter box and eat their poop in spite of you getting great food and treats?

I would ask my pet parrot if she's happy and if she gets enough out time. I believe she is, and does, as she's out and with us several hours per day, but I'd want to know what she thought.

If I die and no one finds me, would you really eat my face?

To the dog "why do you have to be jammed up my ass every hour of the day? You never used to be like this."

To the cat "why are you such a whore? Why do you lay on your back in the middle of the floor with your legs splayed out showing your junk?"

[quote]To the dog "why do you have to be jammed up my ass every hour of the day?"

Pics please.

What are you thinking about while I jerk off?

From a real basset hound owner: 'How can you sleep 21 hours a day?'

From another basset hound parent: Where did you get those feet? Your paws look like they belong to an alligator or dinosaur but I love you anyway.

Of the slew of men who have passed thru bedroom door, which one was your favorite and why?

"Has anyone asked you to lick peanut butter off his dick?"

Are you depressed?

Sometimes I think my cat is depressed if I don’t play with her a lot.

Why did you hump my bottoms leg when I was fucking him?

To an aged animal. "Are you in pain?"

Are you aware of the inevitability of death? If you are, then how do you cope with that awareness? If not, then...well, just carry on.

For my dog: We have just walked around for 20 minutes in the rain while you sniffed numerous random patches of grass and leaves. What was it about this particular patch of grass that made you decide "Yes! This is where I will poop this morning!"

Also for my dog: When we leave the house, you clearly have a strong idea of where you want to go, starting with whether we make a right turn out the front door or a left. Why? What goes into your decision? Is it spur of the moment or have you been plotting this out for a while?'

And: What would you actually do with a squirrel if you ever caught one? Kill it? Say "tag you're it!"?

And: When you are asleep in another room and I quietly walk into the kitchen, how is it that you manage to materialize at my side within seconds of my opening the refrigerator door?

It's been tried. They didn't like the result.

For my apartment dwelling dog: "Do you understand the concept of the elevator, or is it like that New Yorker cartoon where you think it's just a little room we have to wait in while they rearrange the world?'

When you suddenly stop and stare intently at an empty part of the room, what are you seeing?

"What are you thinking about while I jerk off? "

Answer: "I wish I could do that"

Response: "I wish I could lick my own balls, so I guess we're even"

To my dog: "Am I doing ok?"

R6 I agree. He acts like I'm going to drop him or throw him.

"Do you identify more with Sally or Phyllis in FOLLIES?"

Has your dead mother ever come back to visit you, Darling? I miss her.

To my two cats: Would you be open to taking on some household chores?

To my dog: 'are you shamed by the wee tartan coat I make you wear on our winter walks?'

I would ask my elder pug, “Mickie why are you such a dick?”

To my dog: who’s a good boy?

I always wanted to know why my darling cat put his favorite toy in both the food and water bowls. God, I loved him. Wonderful personality.

"What are your preferred pronouns?"

is this cultural appropriation?

Why did your people tell that asshole ALW about “Cats”?

To my cat: "Does your head hurt whilst you put it against the red hot night storage heater?"

OMG, r47! My one day does that, too!

I figured she was trying to make tea. I'd like to know an answer to that as well.

Do they really have 9 lives?

To my cat: You have destroyed everything in this damn apartment and you still want food?

To my cat: Why are you so picky? If you were feral, you would be eating insects and mice? So why do you refuse to eat any brand of cat food that is not your favorite?

"Where do you go at night and how many people feed you?"

Great questions R6 and R56.

I would also ask why she did not like the lovely cat bed I bought her but if I've received a delivery she'll jump in the cardboard box and relax inside it!

Also, why my other cat can be a bit snooty inside but when he sees me outside he follows me.

R57, that's a good one...why are they so obsessed with cardboard boxes. Why not lay in the soft, velvet plush box-like bed?

After I exhausted all of the usual questions (type of preferred food, etc), I'd ask about the culture of the dog and cat world compared to the wider world, in general. I'd like to have a discussion with them over dinner each evening. For example:

Are there cats who identify as dogs, or dogs who identify as squirrels, or whatever?

Do Tdogs compete with ciscats in animal athletics, and do you think that's fair?

[Then we'd all get drunk and vomit on the floor; and the dog would volunteer to eat it up. "Don't worry; I got thish." (slurp, slurp; burp, burp.) After that, we'd pass out on the floor together. Good times.

To each cat I have, I would ask, "What makes you decide which of the two litter boxes to use?"

To my cat: Why do you only do the tricks I taught you when we're alone? I really thought everyone would love the shake a paw trick you learned, but you left me standing there with my hand out looking like a fool. Why?

I know, right R58. The mystery of the cat!

I also would ask why they follow me into the toilet and watch me pee.

Border collie: Though you spend every other wknd w/your other daddy, are you glad I have full custody of you?

My kitty is a stray who came to me with a broken tail tip. I'd love to ask him how it happened. I have a feeling it's a sad story because he cowers very quickly when approached.

To dog: "What do you think of us humans?"

[italic] When my dog tries to run away:[/italic]

What if something happened to you?

What if I couldn't get to you?

What would I have done?

You're my family. You're all I have.

We're doing okay, right?

So far, have I done anything stupid?

Have I screwed it up for us?

[quote] To dog: "What do you think of us humans?"

In the perspective of dogs, humans are elves that routinely live to be 500+ years old.

The dog is saying to its puppies, your great great great grandfather saw this guy being born!

Why does my check engine light go on for no reason and why do you eat your own vomit?

Why you two love me so much! I love you both.

To cats AND dogs: why are you always presenting hole?

R59, my whore cat (the one who plays on his back with his junk exposed) thinks he's a dog.

I got him as a one year old and he grew up with the dog so he thinks he's a dog. Plays "fetch" and wants to rough house like the dog. He also drinks quite a bit of water for a cat. I see him drinking from the dogs bowl several times a day.

Are you now or are you about to be appearing on the Broadway stage?

What do you think when I pick up your poop and take it to the trash can?

Back before COVID and WFH what did you do all day? Were you scared or lonely when I wasn’t home? Do you miss having some time apart?

R70 I think it’s their way of smiling and shaking hands with a Stranger!

Why are you such an aggressive psycho?

Why does your tail wag the entire time you flip out?

What happened to make you so crazy?

Why do you love and trust (only) me out of all the things and people you have met?

do you know how much I love you and you make my life a better place?

Why does thunder flip you out? You’re a big dog! Why so scared?

I’d ask my cat “why did you pee in my shoes?”

I cannot arrange the sunlight on the carpeting. You will need to follow it if you want to sleep in it. I know this isn't a question on my part, but I hope it answers your question to me.

You all mean to tell me you can’t understand what your animals say to you?

To my 6 lb chihuahua: when you are acting aggressive to the mailman on our walks and he just laughs and says “oh, scary!” do you feel humiliated?

R64 Thank you for rescuing him.

@r73, "What do you think when I pick up your poop and take it to the trash can? "

Answer: "You like? Don't worry there's plenty more where that came from"

Why do you insist that I pet you while you eat your cat chow? You meow for five minutes straight, and when I come to see what's wrong, you lead me to your dish and start eating. Rather than stoop down to pet you, I walk away, and then you start meowing incessantly again. Why not just eat your food, then come over to me to be petted?

"What seven famous mammals, alive or dead, would you invite to dinner, and why?"

"Why must you defy me at every turn?"

Unfortunately, I have a parrot.

I would ask my kitty if she loves me.

What do defrosted mice taste like?

When we go to the dog park, there are clearly some dogs you enjoy playing with more than others, even if you've never met them before.

Why?

What makes another dog fun or cool in your book?

You are a 70 lb golden retriever and yet if you see a 12 lb chihuahua from 100 yards off you immediately recognize it as one of your kind.

How?

You have unlimited food at home not to mention that we're usually slipping you table scraps and dog treats. Yet when you spot a three day old sandwich that's escaped someone's trash can, you lunge for it and try to eat it.

Why?

How could you support Donald trump?

To the cat: What do you dream about when you dream?

This is a very sweet thread. Thank you OP!

What's it like to not have a care in the world?

To my cat: why won't you drink out of the water bowl next to your food, but you will from a water bowl anywhere else in the house?

I can’t answer for your cat, R96, but my vet recommended that we not put our cat’s water bowl next to the food bowl. Apparently, cats often don’t like the two to be close together. Since we’ve put bowls of water in other locations, our cat has been drinking more regularly.

I had to move my cat's water dish away from his wet food dish. He has a weird way of eating his wet food. He scoops it up with his paw, then he lifts his paw to his face, and licks off the wet food. When his water dish was close by, he would dip the wet food in the water dish. And he lost a lot of the wet food in the water dish, making it gross. So now the water dish is across the room.

But he still gets wet food all over the floor. ( I have to put newspaper under his wet food dish.) And his paws STINK.

I would ask him: Why can't you just lower your head, and use your mouth to eat your wet food straight out of the dish? You eat your dry food that way, why not do the same with your wet food?

R96 His whiskers might be touching the side of his food bowl. My cat was doing the same thing and then I read about 'whisker fatigue' (Yes, that's a real thing apparently!) and cats don't like to eat from dishes where their whiskers touch the sides of the dish.

Also, R97 is correct. For whatever reason, cats don't like their water dishes close to their food dishes. As an aside: My cats drink about of the toilet.

What the biggest thing you've caught?

yes, when I had cats they didn't get a regular food bowl, they had a teacup Saucer for wet and a bonsai tree pot for dry (and their water dish)

Are you okay without your claws? I know you miss them because you like to 'scratch' the furniture or maybe that's just learned behavior.

Why are you obsessed with licking my feet? Not that I mind but it's weird.

R103 Now I have a new question for my beagle: Why won't you lick my feet?

I'd ask my sister's cat: Why do you hate everyone except old people? What is it about the elderly that makes you love them so much?

They don’t move as fast as the younguns do, r105.

Have you considered a vocation - such as accounting, heating&cooling, or diesel engine repair?

To my dog: Are you team Rita or team Sally?

How do you know it’s time for General Hospital to come on the tv? He starts barking at 2:55 pm five days a week and will NOT stop until someone turns on his story. He is the only one in our family that watches the show.

Do you know you don't have the balls you were born with?

also, you LOVE when I play with your feet. You BEG me to tickle between the pads of your paws. Why do you flip the fuck out when I try to cut your nails?

Similar note, you LOVE when I brush you with my fingers. Why do you flip the fuck out when I try with a brush?

Where do you see yourself in five months?

I always used to ask my dog, "Why do you lay around all day and do nothing? Why don't you do something with your life?"

To my cat: Are you good at physics? How do you know how much force you need to jump onto the bed, window sill or baker's rack? I love to watch you run into the kitchen, jump onto the countertop, and then the top of refrigerator with just one jump onto each one. I can trip on flat ground!

How do you know always seem to know when I've just applied Vaseline to my dry lips? It's seems that's the moment you want hugs, kisses, and nuzzlies. I always wind up with fur-covered lips.

Can you tell time? You could be taking a nap somewhere in the house and then, WHAM! It's somewhere between 3:45 and 4:40 pm and you know it's dinner time?

Why won't you eat when I'm in the kitchen with you? I put the food down, you look at me, and then leave the room. You won't eat until I leave.

I haven't had a pet in over 30 years, when I left home, and my pets are long since dead, but I do have a couple of questions:

To that crazy pound dog we got when I was about 8: What the hell was going through your mind when you hunted me down in our rural village as I was playing with my friends and DRAGGED me back home, your teeth clamped onto the cuff of my jeans? I was terrified. You weighed as much as I did. In your view, was I some puppy that has strayed too far from home? Or did you associate me with being fed? I have no idea. One day you weren't there anymore and quite frankly I did ask many questions.

To the purebred dog after that, the dog I loved more than anything: Were you annoyed that I gave you that unusual name? Would it help if I told you that I think of you several times a day, whenever I log in to just about anything, because your name plus '123' has always been my go-to password? Whenever I have to reset it, I change it to your name plus '234'.

I'd ask the cat if lying down like a loaf is really comfortable.

R103 - +1. And he waits till I take my socks off to attack them.

@r115, Dog #1 here, Timmy, I should have left you stuck in that well, you ungrateful rube.

Dog#2 here, Yeah, the name "Asshole" never did sit right with me. Thanks for the password, I should have all your accounts emptied shortly

How did the veterinarian dislocate your hip and shoulder?

R118 You're full of hate, and jealous of me because of my idyllic childhood and my easily-remembered password. I pity you.

Displacement activity, OP

To my dog:

1) At what point did you realize your capacity to whine outlasts my ability to listen to you whine?

2. Why is it you are normally incredibly lazy, yet as soon as you get out of the bath you run around like a crazed manic?

Why do you watch me masturbate? What does a bearded dragon get out of that?

Why do you like to roll in dead/smelly stuff? Especially after a bath!

I'd ask the cat what he's thinking about when he's sitting on the arm of the chair and staring off into space.

I would ask my cat, "There are two bowls of fresh water for you in the house. Why do you find the water in the laundry tub more appealing?"

How do I work this? Where is that large automobile?

We joke that my dog does that--roll around in dead animals he finds on the ground--to show off to the bitches what a great hunter he is

Yes, rolling in dead stuff must be the doggie equivalent of Axe for the neighborhood bitches.

I would ask my cat, "Do you know how insulting it is that whenever I pet you you immediately clean with your tongue the places I touched?"

To my friend’s cat: Why do you look started and hide whenever I come over? Has a guest ever flung boiling water at you?

I think not.

Why are you so scared and startled every time you fart but you are totally fine when I fart?

To my cat: Why do you like my ear wax? It's not like I have an overabundance but I have to put my Q-tips in the covered garbage or you'll dig them out and lick them. I know when it's time to clean my ears when you perch behind me on the chair and start licking my ears! It's very sensual and ticklish but you're just looking for ear wax!!

I'd like to know more about my cat's earlier life (she was nearly 7 when she came to live with me), specifically why she runs and hides whenever somebody comes to the door. But she might not want to talk about it.

Cat: why did you jump on a table and smear poop from your butt on a photo of my face that one time years ago?

I'd ask the cat if he's ok living with a gay man or if he'd prefer to live with straight people.

Have your told your cat you're gay R136? It's possible he doesn't know. Or maybe he just thinks that's the way humans are.

He sat on the sofa while I watched my DVD of Liza with a Z so I figure he knows.

To my cat: Why do you get so upset whenever I sneeze?

(Seriously. I sneeze, he jerks awake, stares at me, and gives a concerned rrowwl. I sneeze again, he stands up, starts pacing and rrowwling, still staring at me. Does he think I'm about to explode or something?)

I bet he tells the other cats you're just sensitive R138

Do you know how many people would trade places with you to be with me?!

R139, one of my cats anticipates my sneezes. She runs to and hides under the bed I'm try to stifle the sneeze. Most of the time, it's MT. Krakatoa. To be fair, I never learned to sneeze gently but you would think after 12 years, she would see sneezes are loud but harmless.

To Cats of years past:

Why do you walk like Jackie Gleason?

[quote]He sat on the sofa while I watched my DVD of Liza with a Z

Well he sounds gay too, TBH.

Most cats are secretly gay men, regardless of their gender (and species) of birth.

The aloofness, the bemused boredom, the hauteur.

"Oh look, another can of cat food. How nice."

Do I look different to you when I wear my reading glasses? What do you think when you see me put them on my face?

You know I'm coming back, right? I'm coming back.

I wish I could explain Covid to my dog.

He is confused AF because we no longer stop to talk to other people with dogs when we're out for a walk.

And he thinks that if I step off the road to let someone pass by (this does not happen very often) it's because I am afraid of them and he needs to bark angrily to protect me.

Or why I can't go into the vet's office with him when he has his check-up or gets shots.

Not to mention the whole mask thing.

How do you find such boundless joy in everything, pup?

The world’s going to shit, if you haven’t noticed. But then you only just got here and you live a sheltered life, so I suppose you have no points of reference.

"Am I your deity?"

R139, Cosmo does that, too! He always meows so I say 'Thank you.' I assume it's his version of God Bless You.

R146, I wear contacts about 80% of the day. Whenever I wear my glasses, Cosmo tries to pull them off. I guess they are used to seeing us one way and like that? I have no idea.

Lol r,139! My junk exposing ho cat does the same thing except he gives this pitiful "ah-ah-ah" after I sneeze.

I'm not sure if he's saying "bless you" or mocking me but I thank him anyway.

His meows and hisses are so tiny and pathetic. I make fun of him. Who is going to be afraid of this pathetic hiss that you can't even hear? The only way I can tell he's hissing is because I see his white teeth ( he's a pitch black ball of fuzz).

The dog ignores me when I sneeze.

Why do you lick your hole?

^^^Because I can

I'd ask the cat if he understands the emotion of love and if he understands when I hold him and kiss his forehead and tell him I love him. He usually licks my face so I like to think he understands.

I keep seeing cats hereabouts, little man. Aren’t you supposed to give chase and scare them off? Why do you keep embarassing both me and yourself with your atypically-canine ways?

Did you enjoy all our trips? You got carsick but then seemed so happy to be in a new place, so overjoyed to see if there was any left-behind food in the hotel room (once the maid missed a KFC piece under a chair). Do you forgive me for not monitoring your diet better? I'll never forgive myself.

Do you know that, in 6-12 months, you're going to be all alone again for most of the daylight hours for most of the days of the week?

Does my dick hurt?

Me --- " Do you thi nk my standards are too low that I set for Grindr hookups ?"

My Cat " You know I piss on their clothes while you guys do that "boucey bouncey " shit .