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The Best of Bernice Clifton

I wish I had known Bernice. She is like the crazy-assed aunt I never had.

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by Anonymousreply 59June 9, 2024 2:52 PM

I’m having a Bernice weekend.

by Anonymousreply 1March 13, 2021 8:28 PM

Phyllis, the bees are coming! Where are Dick and Dick?

by Anonymousreply 2March 13, 2021 9:23 PM

She was hilarious.

by Anonymousreply 3March 13, 2021 9:53 PM

Funny

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by Anonymousreply 4March 13, 2021 9:59 PM

I fancy myself as kind of a Bernice Clifton lite.

by Anonymousreply 5March 13, 2021 10:34 PM

Bernice would be cancelled in about two seconds these days. But I remember my older sister and I just loving her as children.

by Anonymousreply 6March 13, 2021 11:06 PM

Black Man! Black Man! I’m told Your Lives Matter.

by Anonymousreply 7March 13, 2021 11:22 PM

I loved the apartment episode where Bernice tried to spur Julia into a fist fight. Then later in the evening tried to engage everyone in a game of Indian leg-wrestling.

by Anonymousreply 8March 13, 2021 11:57 PM

id rather watch hours of bernice clifton than just about anything else.

by Anonymousreply 9March 14, 2021 8:21 PM

I’m watching DW this afternoon for comfort

by Anonymousreply 10March 15, 2021 7:48 PM

R10 bumped this thread because someone started a GG thread that was getting more responses.

DW fans are petty, insecure bitches.

by Anonymousreply 11March 15, 2021 7:56 PM

Jack. Jack, no take back!

by Anonymousreply 12March 15, 2021 8:34 PM

Senior Roundup was the best damned skit ever.

by Anonymousreply 13September 3, 2021 3:41 AM

Reality is a sucker's game. Mama don't play that.

by Anonymousreply 14September 3, 2021 3:46 AM

[quote]I loved the apartment episode where Bernice tried to spur Julia into a fist fight.

"Let's take it outside. I've wanted a piece of you for a long time. I'll cut you!"

by Anonymousreply 15September 3, 2021 3:49 AM

Arterial flow problem above the neck

by Anonymousreply 16September 3, 2021 4:20 AM

Her voice always cracked me up

by Anonymousreply 17September 3, 2021 4:24 AM

Why did Perky only appear one time?

by Anonymousreply 18September 3, 2021 4:34 AM

R15 😝 the episode where they all spend the night in Carlene’s (Jan Hooks) new apartment in an Atlanta ghetto neighborhood is one of my favorites! Bernice is pissed off because she can’t sleep topless and has to spend the night on a lawn lounge chair. Plus the hotdogs and everything else reeks of Carlene’s homemade potpourri.😆

by Anonymousreply 19September 3, 2021 10:01 PM

Plus Carlene offered Julia a drink in a toothbrush cup that she "warshed out real good."

by Anonymousreply 20September 3, 2021 10:11 PM

Bernice wants to beat the shit out of Julia while spending the night at Carlene’s new apartment.

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by Anonymousreply 21September 3, 2021 10:13 PM

Bernice, Now and Forever

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by Anonymousreply 22September 3, 2021 10:15 PM

I loved when she was briefly a therapist when trying to steal Julia's white mammy's husband's file.

by Anonymousreply 23September 3, 2021 10:20 PM

Hello! Boogershakers!

by Anonymousreply 24September 4, 2021 2:13 AM

Black cock! Black cock!

by Anonymousreply 25September 4, 2021 4:06 PM

The first joke made me laugh...

by Anonymousreply 26September 4, 2021 7:58 PM

[quote]I wish I had known Bernice.

Not sure how you would "know" a fictional character.

by Anonymousreply 27September 4, 2021 8:55 PM

R27 she was real in my mind.

by Anonymousreply 28September 5, 2021 12:26 AM

Calling all cars! Calling all cars!

by Anonymousreply 29September 5, 2021 12:51 AM

Black man! Black man! Where have you gone to?

by Anonymousreply 30August 7, 2022 9:27 PM

Baby Suzanne: That's my car! That's my car!

Baby Bernice: Not any more!

by Anonymousreply 31August 7, 2022 9:33 PM

I know You're from America, aren't you?

by Anonymousreply 32August 7, 2022 9:34 PM

She was one of a kind.

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by Anonymousreply 33August 7, 2022 9:43 PM

The episode where. Bernice is working the fast food drive-thru is gold

by Anonymousreply 34August 7, 2022 9:44 PM

Bernice: Julia, tell me, you're really kind of the Madame of Sugarbaker House. When you first get a new client, what really titillates and excites you?

Julia: I would hardly use the word "titillate".

Bernice: That's not a nasty word, is it? I think it's ok, just don't shorten it.

by Anonymousreply 35August 7, 2022 9:50 PM

Bernice: Now I understand that Anthony's role is to solicit business for all of you. Charlene, now let's just cut through the decorating scam. How many treats do you turn a week?

Charlene: Treats?

Anthony: I think she means “tricks”.

Bernice: That's right. How many?

Anthony: Excuse me, Mrs. Clifton, but I think you have us confused with the next segment. We are decorators.

Bernice: Oh sure. Everybody has to have something to fall back on. Now, Julia, let's talk about some of those bedrooms you've done -- and the people who've slept there. Just how comfortable did you make them? When we come back, Charlene and Julia -- the girls of decorating, and Anthony, the man who drives them.

by Anonymousreply 36August 7, 2022 9:59 PM

"Titillate". That's not a nasty word, is it? I think it's ok, just don't shorten it.

by Anonymousreply 37August 8, 2022 11:40 AM

Oh just get out of here you crazy fools!

-Bernice working the drive thru at Burger Guy

by Anonymousreply 38February 9, 2023 9:43 PM

I really need to finger bang my box tonight!

by Anonymousreply 39February 10, 2023 12:28 AM

it's square fish Phyllis!

by Anonymousreply 40February 10, 2023 12:39 AM

Ok, I’ve got to go now. You’re tying up my line.

by Anonymousreply 41June 8, 2023 3:55 PM

Anthony was Bernice’s illegitimate son

by Anonymousreply 42June 8, 2023 5:20 PM

I think Bernice and I have a lot in common. We’re both nuts.

by Anonymousreply 43September 8, 2023 12:15 AM

Let’s recreate Bernice’s one episode cable access talk show - Senior Roundup!

by Anonymousreply 44September 8, 2023 12:19 AM

I’m firing on all cylinders tonight!

by Anonymousreply 45September 8, 2023 12:59 AM

I wish I had my own public cable access show circa 1990. It would be very similar to the one Bernice did only mine would be gay.

by Anonymousreply 46December 14, 2023 5:09 PM

Incoming! Incoming!

by Anonymousreply 47December 14, 2023 5:09 PM

I need some Bernice today. Too much tragedy in my life as of late. Some wacky Bernice antics are what I need

by Anonymousreply 48June 7, 2024 10:26 PM

[Quote] Ok, I’ve got to go now. You’re tying up my line!

Lmao!!

by Anonymousreply 49June 7, 2024 10:27 PM

Great stuff and the laughs are so helpful as we watch our beautiful democracy turn into trumpocracy-thanks Bernice

by Anonymousreply 50June 8, 2024 2:43 AM

Bernice: I turned down a guy recently, and six days later he died. You can't let them hang on the vine too long at Leisure Land.

by Anonymousreply 51June 8, 2024 9:44 PM

Carlene: WHERE'S YOUR OVERNIGHT BAG?

Bernice: I DON'T NEED ONE.

I HAVE MY PAJAMA BOTTOMS ON

UNDERNEATH MY CLOTHES,

AND I DON'T SLEEP IN A TOP.

by Anonymousreply 52June 8, 2024 9:53 PM

Bernice: I'M SORRY I'M LATE,

BUT I COULDN'T RESIST GOING TO ONE OF THOSE BARS

AND SEEING WHAT "LIVE, TOTALLY NUDE" IS ALL ABOUT.

Mary Jo: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WENT IN THERE EITHER.

WHAT IS IT ALL ABOUT?

Bernice: LISTEN, SISTER, I'M NOT TELLING.

IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT,

GO IN THERE AND PAY 17.50 FOR A BAD MAI TAI

AND THEN WE'LL TALK.

by Anonymousreply 53June 8, 2024 9:55 PM

Julia: OH, NO. SHE'S IN THAT BELLIGERENT MODE.

LET'S DON'T ENGAGE HER.

Bernice: HELL, I DON'T WANT TO BE ENGAGED TO ANY OF YOU EITHER.

by Anonymousreply 54June 8, 2024 9:58 PM

Bernice: OOH, DEAR ME. WHAT IS THAT AWFUL SMELL?

IS SOMEONE SPRAYING FOR BUGS?

Mary Jo. NO, ACTUALLY THAT IS HOMEMADE POTPOURRI THAT CARLENE MADE.

JULIA WON SOME AS A DOOR PRIZE.

Bernice: WELL, YOU SHOULD TAKE IT

AND GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

IT STINKS.

by Anonymousreply 55June 8, 2024 10:00 PM

Carlene: I GUESS I BETTER PUT THOSE HOT DOGS ON.

Bernice: I DIDN'T COME ALL THIS WAY FOR SOME DAMN HOT DOG!

Julia: BERNICE, I THINK YOU'RE BECOMING A LITTLE ABRASIVE.

Bernice: I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK.

IF YOU WANT TO MESS WITH ME,

LET'S JUST TAKE IT OUTSIDE.

Julia: YOU'RE LOSING CONTROL OF YOURSELF.

Bernice: NO, I MEAN IT. LET'S RUMBLE.

I'VE BEEN WANTING A PIECE OF YOU FOR A LONG TIME.

Anthony: NOW BERNICE, CALM DOWN.

Bernice: DON'T MESS WITH ME, MANDINGO.

I'LL CUT YOU!

by Anonymousreply 56June 8, 2024 10:03 PM

Bernice: HEY, STUFF, HAVE YOU INFLATED MY MATTRESS YET?

Anthony: BERNICE, MY NAME IS NOT STUFF,

AND IT IS NOT MANDINGO,

AND I'M NOT INFLATING THIS MATTRESS FOR YOU.

IF YOU WANT TO SLEEP ON A MATTRESS, START PUFFING.

Bernice: ♪ BLACK MAN, BLACK MAN

♪ WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?

Anthony: ALL RIGHT. YOU JUST STOP THAT RIGHT NOW.

I'VE HAD QUITE ENOUGH OF THAT.

by Anonymousreply 57June 8, 2024 10:07 PM

Bernice: ARE WE LEAVING?

Anthony: YES.

Bernice: GOOD. I'VE HAD TO GO TO THE BATHROOM

FOR SEVEN HOURS, BUT THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER THERE.

JUST MORE OF THAT DAMNED POTPOURRI ON A ROPE.

by Anonymousreply 58June 8, 2024 10:10 PM

Titillate

by Anonymousreply 59June 9, 2024 2:52 PM
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