The Best of Bernice Clifton

I’m having a Bernice weekend.

Phyllis, the bees are coming! Where are Dick and Dick?

She was hilarious.

Funny

I fancy myself as kind of a Bernice Clifton lite.

Bernice would be cancelled in about two seconds these days. But I remember my older sister and I just loving her as children.

Black Man! Black Man! I’m told Your Lives Matter.

I loved the apartment episode where Bernice tried to spur Julia into a fist fight. Then later in the evening tried to engage everyone in a game of Indian leg-wrestling.

id rather watch hours of bernice clifton than just about anything else.

I’m watching DW this afternoon for comfort

R10 bumped this thread because someone started a GG thread that was getting more responses.

DW fans are petty, insecure bitches.

Jack. Jack, no take back!

Senior Roundup was the best damned skit ever.

Reality is a sucker's game. Mama don't play that.

[quote]I loved the apartment episode where Bernice tried to spur Julia into a fist fight.

"Let's take it outside. I've wanted a piece of you for a long time. I'll cut you!"

Arterial flow problem above the neck

Her voice always cracked me up

Why did Perky only appear one time?

R15 😝 the episode where they all spend the night in Carlene’s (Jan Hooks) new apartment in an Atlanta ghetto neighborhood is one of my favorites! Bernice is pissed off because she can’t sleep topless and has to spend the night on a lawn lounge chair. Plus the hotdogs and everything else reeks of Carlene’s homemade potpourri.😆

Plus Carlene offered Julia a drink in a toothbrush cup that she "warshed out real good."

Bernice wants to beat the shit out of Julia while spending the night at Carlene’s new apartment.

Bernice, Now and Forever

I loved when she was briefly a therapist when trying to steal Julia's white mammy's husband's file.

Hello! Boogershakers!

Black cock! Black cock!

The first joke made me laugh...

[quote]I wish I had known Bernice.

Not sure how you would "know" a fictional character.

R27 she was real in my mind.

Calling all cars! Calling all cars!

Black man! Black man! Where have you gone to?

Baby Suzanne: That's my car! That's my car!

Baby Bernice: Not any more!

I know You're from America, aren't you?

She was one of a kind.

The episode where. Bernice is working the fast food drive-thru is gold

Bernice: Julia, tell me, you're really kind of the Madame of Sugarbaker House. When you first get a new client, what really titillates and excites you?

Julia: I would hardly use the word "titillate".

Bernice: That's not a nasty word, is it? I think it's ok, just don't shorten it.

Bernice: Now I understand that Anthony's role is to solicit business for all of you. Charlene, now let's just cut through the decorating scam. How many treats do you turn a week?

Charlene: Treats?

Anthony: I think she means “tricks”.

Bernice: That's right. How many?

Anthony: Excuse me, Mrs. Clifton, but I think you have us confused with the next segment. We are decorators.

Bernice: Oh sure. Everybody has to have something to fall back on. Now, Julia, let's talk about some of those bedrooms you've done -- and the people who've slept there. Just how comfortable did you make them? When we come back, Charlene and Julia -- the girls of decorating, and Anthony, the man who drives them.

"Titillate". That's not a nasty word, is it? I think it's ok, just don't shorten it.

Oh just get out of here you crazy fools!

-Bernice working the drive thru at Burger Guy

I really need to finger bang my box tonight!

it's square fish Phyllis!

Ok, I’ve got to go now. You’re tying up my line.

Anthony was Bernice’s illegitimate son

I think Bernice and I have a lot in common. We’re both nuts.

Let’s recreate Bernice’s one episode cable access talk show - Senior Roundup!

I’m firing on all cylinders tonight!

I wish I had my own public cable access show circa 1990. It would be very similar to the one Bernice did only mine would be gay.

Incoming! Incoming!

I need some Bernice today. Too much tragedy in my life as of late. Some wacky Bernice antics are what I need

[Quote] Ok, I’ve got to go now. You’re tying up my line!

Lmao!!

Great stuff and the laughs are so helpful as we watch our beautiful democracy turn into trumpocracy-thanks Bernice

Bernice: I turned down a guy recently, and six days later he died. You can't let them hang on the vine too long at Leisure Land.

Carlene: WHERE'S YOUR OVERNIGHT BAG?

Bernice: I DON'T NEED ONE.

I HAVE MY PAJAMA BOTTOMS ON

UNDERNEATH MY CLOTHES,

AND I DON'T SLEEP IN A TOP.

Bernice: I'M SORRY I'M LATE,

BUT I COULDN'T RESIST GOING TO ONE OF THOSE BARS

AND SEEING WHAT "LIVE, TOTALLY NUDE" IS ALL ABOUT.

Mary Jo: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WENT IN THERE EITHER.

WHAT IS IT ALL ABOUT?

Bernice: LISTEN, SISTER, I'M NOT TELLING.

IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT,

GO IN THERE AND PAY 17.50 FOR A BAD MAI TAI

AND THEN WE'LL TALK.

Julia: OH, NO. SHE'S IN THAT BELLIGERENT MODE.

LET'S DON'T ENGAGE HER.

Bernice: HELL, I DON'T WANT TO BE ENGAGED TO ANY OF YOU EITHER.

Bernice: OOH, DEAR ME. WHAT IS THAT AWFUL SMELL?

IS SOMEONE SPRAYING FOR BUGS?

Mary Jo. NO, ACTUALLY THAT IS HOMEMADE POTPOURRI THAT CARLENE MADE.

JULIA WON SOME AS A DOOR PRIZE.

Bernice: WELL, YOU SHOULD TAKE IT

AND GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

IT STINKS.

Carlene: I GUESS I BETTER PUT THOSE HOT DOGS ON.

Bernice: I DIDN'T COME ALL THIS WAY FOR SOME DAMN HOT DOG!

Julia: BERNICE, I THINK YOU'RE BECOMING A LITTLE ABRASIVE.

Bernice: I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK.

IF YOU WANT TO MESS WITH ME,

LET'S JUST TAKE IT OUTSIDE.

Julia: YOU'RE LOSING CONTROL OF YOURSELF.

Bernice: NO, I MEAN IT. LET'S RUMBLE.

I'VE BEEN WANTING A PIECE OF YOU FOR A LONG TIME.

Anthony: NOW BERNICE, CALM DOWN.

Bernice: DON'T MESS WITH ME, MANDINGO.

I'LL CUT YOU!

Bernice: HEY, STUFF, HAVE YOU INFLATED MY MATTRESS YET?

Anthony: BERNICE, MY NAME IS NOT STUFF,

AND IT IS NOT MANDINGO,

AND I'M NOT INFLATING THIS MATTRESS FOR YOU.

IF YOU WANT TO SLEEP ON A MATTRESS, START PUFFING.

Bernice: ♪ BLACK MAN, BLACK MAN

♪ WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?

Anthony: ALL RIGHT. YOU JUST STOP THAT RIGHT NOW.

I'VE HAD QUITE ENOUGH OF THAT.

Bernice: ARE WE LEAVING?

Anthony: YES.

Bernice: GOOD. I'VE HAD TO GO TO THE BATHROOM

FOR SEVEN HOURS, BUT THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER THERE.

JUST MORE OF THAT DAMNED POTPOURRI ON A ROPE.

Titillate