Let's be Helen Lawson's LIVE Christmas Special

I'm the Christmas tree she's planting in the opening number.

I'm only water in that flask ;)

I'm Helen adamantly refusing to sing "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas".

I'm the case of Helenesque that will be gifted to the jews and faggots she pisses off.

I'm the cue cards, because at her age, the bitch can't even remember a simple, "Merry Christmas, everyone!"

I'm Neely O'Hara, goddammit.

I'm the aging gay man who played young Patrick in her tour of "Mame". We were going to sing "We Need a Little Christmas". but Helen was furious over the fact that I blasted her out, having sung it for years at my local piano bar.

I'm young Bob Mackie, wardrobe assistant. And I think Helen shouldn't have pissed off Mr. Travilla, who designed her "wardrobe."

I'm "rehydrating in my dressing room."

I'm "Helen-A-Handbasket," a series of inspirational quotes for my fans.

Look for me at your favorite greeting card store!

I'm the director of the cut number from Mame at r7.

"Knees together, Miss Lawson! You know what happened last time!"

I am the pre-recorded back-uo singers, so she doesn't have to share the stage with anyone.

I'm the thirty-second delay on this "live" show. We know our Helen!

I'm Joey Heatherton, heading home after being cut from the "Santa Baby" number. Why? Because Helen is a jealous bitch! It's not my fault I can shimmy harder, kick higher, and look better in the Bob Mackie costumes.

I'm last minute replacement, Lola Falana. I guess us darker girls weren't seen as much of a threat. What was that all about, Helen???

I'm the stage light that falls on an unsuspecting back up dancer. You can imagine who was the real target of this "accident."

I'm the original hairdresser. I quit. Nobody told me I would have to trim that!

I'm inhebriated, belligerent Judy Garland screaming at the top of her lungs during Helen's spotlight solo "HEY, HELEN FUCKIN LAWSHON, DID YA EVRAH GET ROUND TA PLANTIN THAT TREE, BITCH?!!"

I'm the smashed dressing room mirror.

I'm the empty minutes that had to be filled after Standards cut "Lady Godiva's Christmas" after the final dress.

I'm musical arranger Mel Tormé's bottle of Miltown. Half empty.

I'm designing the choreographic sequences.

We're the little people hired to play Santa's elves during the Santa's Workshop scene. Helen is so nice to us! She's always inviting us into her dressing room and I've been told her screams can be heard from one end of the sound stage to the other during our breaks. Helen told us no one has ever been able to tickle her fancy so well!

I'm Helen's tickled fancy.

I'm the blooper reel run under the closing motherfucking credits.

I'm the horse from the cut Lady Godiva scene. Helen's been inviting me into her dressing room with the little people.

I'm one of the extras who witnesses Helen's flagrant outbursts and searing diatribes one after the next thinking to self "Gee, maybe Mommie's not so bad after all!"

I'm Helen's pickled fancy.

I swear to god it's like a vinegar factory down here.

Helen was old school. No chemical douches for her.

And she always kept us tight and squeaky clean.

Little squeaks, ladies and gents.

And she wasn't making them.

I was.

Lea Michele was a good sport to do that 'I'll Shit My Own Wig' number with Helen.