Let's Be The Real Housewives!

I'm the religious housewife who just released a dance single called "Slap My Booty." If you download it on Apple Music, you'll also get a crucifix necklace from my jewelry line and a sample of my new fragrance, "Riches."

I'm the Adderall-addicted alcoholic who keeps a joint in the glove box and several Xanax in my wallet but thrashes and wails because my hubby insists on having a beer after 18 rounds of gold.

I'm the husband who pings.

I’m the hair extensions and lack of education.

I’m the kids with stupid names.

I’m Romona. I’m a nasty piece of work.

I’m the rented house, leased car, and bounced check

I'm fake boobs.

I'm the party planner hired to fill a shitty rented space with rotating strobe lights, purple chiffon, balloons, cash bar on casters, and an ice sculpture to celebrate the launch of a housewife's new wine.

I'm the end-of-the-season trip to an exotic locale. A housewife announces the idea for me at r9 's wine launch and all the housewives squeal with delight. In truth, production told us about the trip before the season started.

I'm the walking stereotype of a bitchy gay best friend. But I'm also overweight because Andy Cohen is loathe to have an attractive homo on his shows. I'll also be forgotten by season 2 and just post unflattering things about my e-Housewife friend on twitter.

I'm Andy Cohen's wonky eye.

I'm the nearly empty restaurant where the housewives have dinner at 2:00 pm, because if the producers of the show filmed during the actual dinner hour, they'd have to get all the restaurant patrons to sign consent agreements to appear on camera, and that would just be too damn much trouble.

I’m the Botox, plastic surgeries, fillers, and implants. It’s getting crowded in this housewife’s body and face.

I'm the manufactured drama.

I’m the villain edit awaiting the housewife who is coming off a successful rookie season.

I'm the inevitable HSN/QVC product line.

I'm Eddie's hungry hole.

I'm the bodybuilding competition the aging housewife spends the season preparing for because she wants to feel empowered. Oh, and because she's horribly insecure about approaching 50 and is desperately trying to prove to herself and everyone else that she's still hot.

I'm the rigging that happens at r19 's competition, which allows the aging housewife to win. Had this competition been legit, she would have come in 5th place.

I am the housewife whose show has premiered since the COVID-19 pandemic has exploded, and am embarrassed to see my petty exploits being played out against an American landscape decimated by the continued lock downs. Just kidding, I couldn't give a rats ass about the rest of America, as I am a self-absorbed narcissist who believes that watching my fake real life will somehow help others get through their miserable days.

I'm the housewife who really doesn't have anything going on in her life this season, so she decides to throw a drink in another housewife's face for no good reason other than to get some attention and a possible storyline.

I'm the votes cast for Trump in the 2016 election.

I'm the one who is sure that this is just a jumping-off point for me, and soon I'll be internationally famous as a lifestyle guru. My brand will live forever!

I'm the pretense that the housewives have any control over which cast members they invite to their parties and social gatherings.

I'm the incredibly tight and completely unflattering pants that all the housewives wear. They think I make their asses look good, but I actually accentuate their horrific pear shaped bodies.

I'm the companion piece to the tight pants, the impossibly high heels the housewives wear. I'm so high that whenever the housewives walk, they look like they're trying to balance themselves on stilts. A walk from the car to the restaurant is one wrong step away from a broken hip with me.

I'm the memoir no one wanted.

I'm the sound of wine being poured into a glass *glug glug glug*

I’m a useless vapid piece of fame whore shit.

In other words, you're Andy Cohen, r30?

I'm the ghost-written "memoir" that is triple-spaced with an 18 point font and still barely 175 pages.

I'm vaginal rejuvenation!

And I'm the housewife who will be bedazzle your vajajay after it's been rejuvenated!

I'm the six-figure salary earned for dressing like r26 and r27 and acting trashy.

I'm Brooks' meaty cock.

I'm the dress designer who provides the costumes for the New Jersey women and combines with the makeup person to make the women look like whores. Of course, in Jersey, they are the ideal.

I'm the trashy strip mall clothing boutique owner who stages a yearly fashion show for no discernible reason and who gets one of the housewives, as well as the local Barbizon school students, to walk in it.

[bold]I'M NOT HER PLATE, YOU FUCKING BITCH![/bold]

I'm the dinner table, currently suing for felonious assault .

I'm narcissistic personality disorder

I'm.....well, you know who I am.

We're straight.

I'm the drink that gets thrown in a cast mate's face.

I'm the plastic surgeon. I have been kept very busy by these women, but the best thing about it is that I can make them look hideous and still get paid.

r45 this recent picture of Taylor Armstrong is horrifying! Her lips were always strange (I think she had lip implants in her 20s) but the rest of her face has caught up.

I’m surprised they didn’t add Taylor to OC. She lives in Coto now.

That might help save RHOC r47. It's been going downhill the past few seasons.

Taylor has the face she deserves

Lol r49 ...

I'm Aviva's leg.

R46 If you wouldn't have said that was Taylor, I never would have know. What the hell?

Body dysmorphia r52?

I'm the "friend." I was originally slated to be a housewife but changed my mind halfway through filming.

I'm the ratty hair extensions these 60-year-olds wear to convince themselves that people think they're still in the first flush of youth.

I'm the makeup the housewives forget to put on when they're hungover after the first night of their girls' trip and the cameras start rolling.

My absence shocks and startles viewers, because it exposes the true haggardness of these weathered old broads.

I'm the false eyelashes.

I'm the contrived story lines.

I'm the housewife that tries to manipulate everybody and stir up unnecessary drama. I will cry and play the victim when everybody finally catches on and calls me out for it.

R55 I'm the hairstyle meant for a toddler that accentuates the ratty extensions and make me look like I'm in the first flush of youth.

Looking at you, Blonde and Brunette on the left in OP's pic^^. You are both waaaaay too old for that hairstyle.

I'm the housewife who makes an ass of myself at an 8-year-old's birthday party because I can't stand not being the center of attention for 5 minutes. This is my time to shine and I'll be damned if I have to share the spotlight with some spoiled little brat.

I'm the oldest housewife on the cast who shops at forever 21 and does tik tok videos because everyone tells me I look 29!...okay 39...okay 49......but not 65! I have a hot husband to prove it, he is constantly working out and hanging with his guy friends!

I’m the rented house without any personal items on display , and the Range Rover provided by production.

You can always tell when a Housewife is in deep trouble financially. First, they are in a rented home devoid of photos, keys, clutter, etc. Secondly, Bravo has a promotional deal with Land Rover-so they drive a Range Rover or Discovery.

You see this a lot on Atlanta and Orange County.

You don’t see it on Potomac. Those broads are broke and don’t care who knows.

I'm r64 's fascinating insights.

I'm the Housewife who got demoted to Friend for being boring, asking for too much money, or not being forthcoming about my embarrassing social disease or my husband's love of bottoming for twinks.

I'M THE SEX THAT WAS NOT HAD WITH MULTIPLE PARTNERS!

I'm the thirsty husband who picks fights with the Housewives, leaks dick pics on Twitter, and has his own cringey music video. I'm straight, but my love of drama and cheap fame have earned me the nickname "Miss ___" on the gossip blogs.

I'm the lavender marriage.

I'm the themed party at which an inevitable fight breaks out.

I'm the acting career that died and went to hell. I am the reason many of the housewives are on this show in the first place.

Who is it R68? I want to watch cringey video.

I'm the goddamned house you stole, Kyle!

I'm the luxurious vacation destination all these women who loathe each other, "agree" to go to for a "vacation". Oh--unless you're on Potomac, in which case we'll go to someplace Ike Baltimore.

I'm the secret spilled OFF-CAMERA!!!

Hell, I'm the secret shared ON-CANERA! DON'T let anyone know about me--you know, the secret shared ON-CAMERA!

I'm the hundred dollar bill Dorinda uses to snort her blow

I'm the no talent child. My housewife mom will try and promote me as a child actor, then as a singer, then as a rapper, then as a model. Ultimately, she'll give up, I'll grow up to be homely, and I'll eventually get arrested for a drug-related offense or attempted murder.

I'm the average looking daughters that want to be models like mommy!

I'm also the need to produce some kind of bad music.

I'm Noel

I'm the over-the-top wedding planner, honey! Everything has to be shee-shee, honey! Stay within budget, honey? Hahaha! No, honey! We want sheesheesheesheesheesheeshee! Shee-shee, honey!

R72, that was more of a composite than a description of one specific husband, but here's the one with his own song.

I'm a [bold]FAMILY VAAAAAAN[/bold]

We're the Housewives' moms. We range from lovably eccentric to meaner than cat shit.

R84- GET FUCKED!!!! Motherfucka!!!!!!!

I’m the locals that run from restaurants when your skank asses come in.

I'm a potato with toothpicks which represent my limbs. I'm Ramona!

I am the housewife with blood on my hands because of the fur on my shoulders, who is due some very bad karma for making such a selfish and vile choice. I shall fry in hell for eternity. Deservedly so.

I'm the lyme disease.

I'm the legal trouble.

I'm the lemon grove in Malibu from where R89 originated.

And I'm the horse she was riding through that lemon grove, my love!

I'm product placement.

R82 Thanks. That was indeed cringey. At least he went away.

I'm the racially-segregated franchises.

I'm the disingenuous announcement from a Housewife who got fired claiming she made the choice to quit because she wanted to do new things and she was tired of the drama.

*pause*

I'm the desperate scramble for said Housewife to get on [italic]Marriage Boot Camp[/italic] or some other bottom-feeder reality show to keep from losing her house.

I’m the talisman each cast member holds during the opening credits. If you could see me up close you’d see I am from Dollar Tree or Michael’s.

I'm Teresa's struggle to talk in the present and future tenses during my talking heads.

I'm the sassy taglines!

I'm the rookie who views the others housewives as friends rather than coworkers.

I'm JOVANI!!

I am the inappropriate footwear worn in muddy, outdoor locations, on the cobblestone streets of vacation locales and in sporting situations. It's a wonder no one has snapped an ankle!

I missed my calling as a supermodel. I think I look sexy and alluring. In reality I look completely unhinged and deranged.

R102, see R27.

I'm the untreated personality disorders

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

I'm the platform from which the housewives expect to launch successful product lines and promotional tie-ins.

Don't blame me for the dismal failure of your plastic purses and rancid wines!!!

I'm the disregard for social distancing.

I'm poor.

I’m Andy Cohen’s GOOD eye.

I'm Andy Cohen's inability to give an effective side-eye.

I'm the obnoxious way of talking on the phone.

I'm Shannon Storms Beador.