If they weren't famous

So this game is just about looks and not about interests or skills? Just checking.

Looks and personality, yes. It could be other hobbies besides what they're famous for.

Bates seems smart so I imagine she would be married to @ wealthy partner and she herself would be a politician.

Meghan McCain would be a Delta flight attendant, and never let anyone forget that her dad was a 747 captain.

Andy Cohen would also be a Flight Attendant who would sneer at you for asking for an extra pretzel pouch.

I actually think Kathy Bates would run a dispensary but it would be much funnier than that sitcom they attempted.

John Travolta would have worked in a steam room. Oh. Never mind...

Kristin Chenoweth would be a Cheer Mom.

Rachael Ray would be the bartender at a sleazy east coast dive bar who all of the local guys have had at some point. She would probably still have '80s hair and listen to stuff like Bon Jovi.

Johnny Depp. Shut-in neighbor. Has everything delivered to his doorstep.

Donald Trump would be pumping gas somewhere. Nah. He wouldn't have the brains or skills to pump gas. He'd sell used cars.

^And Rachel Ray would be the kind of crusty bartender that would 'bump' your song off the jukebox if she didn't like what she heard. I know the type.

Meryl Streep would be president

You just described most of us, r10

Miley Cyrus here. I'm a 911 dispatcher. I end up dating cops, almost exclusively. Works for me.

Donald Trump would be one of those loudmouth Dads in a southern football town always running a scam and works for a roofing or paving company in Sales.

Mark Consuelos would be an aging drag queen.

[quote] Andy Cohen would also be a Flight Attendant who would sneer at you for asking for an extra pretzel pouch.

He would also give you side eye while sneering.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders would drive a school bus in Little Rock. The kids would be terrified.

Rosie O'Donnell would be driving a bus in some gritty city.

R19, you beat me to it, and yours beat mine! Touché.

DL Fave Ben Barnes would have a part-time gig playing piano at The Townhouse. (And a full-time gig as a rent boy.)

Anderson Cooper, Re/Max Home Sales Associate

Stephen Colbert would be a very competent male nurse.

Kim Kardashian would be a manager at Ardene.

Has Rosie given up being the President of the Tom Cruise fan club given the daily demands of driving a school bus?

Chris Pratt would work in construction. He will never make foreman.

I’m Elon Musk, let me clean your gutters.

I’m Elon Musk, let me clean your gutters.

Martha Stewart would have a potato and turnip farm in rural Poland. She would wear a babushka and beat her husband. 80 proof vodka would run through her veins.

^Front and back^

Steve Buscemi: Adult Bookstore Manager

R30 you mean it doesn't already?

Jennifer Aniston, Lead Stylist at Super Cuts

Brad Pitt: MasseurFinder

Nancy Pelosi, Olive Garden franchisee

Drew Barrymore would have some awful #van-life YouTube channel.

Oprah Winfrey would be working the phones on the gastro floor at the hospital.

Kevin Spacey - running acting camps for kids, serving on the young boys

Melania tRump. lead scarf folder at Romy and Michele's.

Tiger King star Carole Baskin would be weekend shift manager at Burger King. 🍔 👑

Lindsey Graham. Interior decorator. Specializing in Antebellum design.

OMG I mistakenly FFd r40 when I wanted to give them 1,000 WWs. Sorry!

Aaron Schock: Sean Cody superstar

Melania Trump - high priced call girl

Donald Trump, Jr - bookie

Ivanka Trump - Avon lady

I have a feeling Ms. Lindsey would have wedding planner and karaoke hostess as side gigs.

Ivanka Trump: Chin model for a medical book on deformities

Colton Haynes - rent boy

David Letterman. High school guidance counselor.

John Boehner would be a funeral director, wait those guys can't cry.

Qusay and Uday Trump would be shift managers at Wawa. Dad would be selling used cars at a lot on Staten Island. Ivanka would be a sales clerk at Ulta, spending all of her salary on "beauty" products, and Melania would still be a hooker in Slovenia, where ever the fuck that is.

Tom Brady, regional sales manager for a nautical accessories retailer

My name is Shawn Mendes and I work at the Starbucks

Hi, I'm Tom Cruise and I'll be parking your car this evening.

Donald Trump, annoying uncle( by marriage only) and Coronavirus victim.

Diane Keaton would own and operate the best damn furniture consignment store you ever saw.

Leo DiCaprio, leasing sales agent Kia Motors Newark.

All the nepotism kids would be flipping burgers at McDonald's or working at the local pharmacy.

Kylie Jenner, trailer park wife of an Army guy, 3 kids by 21. She drives an older Escalade.

Would you like fries with that?

Brad and Angelina here (yes, we got back together for the kids).

Brad: stocker at Walmart working the night shift. (Angelina needs him at home during the day.)

Angelina: stay-at-home mom due to fibromyalgia. Not really good at household budgeting.

Kim and Kanye here. Kim is a Realtor® and sells high-end property in the county. Kanye is still working on getting licensed as a Realtor®. Both are on the board of the homeowners' association for Rolling Hills, the gated community where they live.

Ryan Gosling -Assistant manager of the produce department at the local supermarket.

If Ariana Grande weren't famous, Frankie Grande would still be her half-brother.

Jason Sudekis - pharmaceutical sales. Wears "slim fit" pants and shirts. Takes the office person (which ever team is interested) out for 2 hr lunches. Wink.

Ariana Grande - perfume saleslady

Aaron Rodgers - closeted college football coach who is secretly hooking up with one of the players

George Clooney would be the captain of the largest American owned mega-yacht.

Gwyneth Paltrow - saleslady at an organic food store

Gwyneth Paltrow strikes me more as a cunt kindergarten teacher... the self important kind who thinks she’s better than the parents at parenting the kids.

The Kardashians would still all be whores. Just not as well paid.

Tom Holland would be a waiter at a high end restaurant where the most expensive item is him.

Tom Holland would be a kept boy to rich sugar daddies

Connor Jessup would be a naked male sushi model for sheiks in the middle east.

The Kardashians would be working Hollywood Blvd.

Ellen DeGeneres - appliance sales at Sears

My friend G would've probably been a wet nurse for some hippie cult, singing Kumbaya between feedings. Before her well went dry, that is.

Timotheé would be a "sandwich artist" at the Subway shop in the Smith Haven Mall.

Andrew Cuomo would be the owner of a restaurant on Long Island that he inherited after his father's death and Chris would be FOH manager. Andrew walks in dressed in pleated slacks and a button up shirt and immediately gets into a shouting match with Chris. Mom sits at the bar and shakes her head.

[quote]Meryl Streep would be president

No, Meryl Streep would be the store manager at the Greenwich, CT Talbots, who sneers at you when you make a catalogue return.

Whoopi Goldberg would be West Hollywood's largest marijuana dispensary owner.

OP - I like to think if Kathy Bates were Manager at JoAnn’s Fabrics she would be saying passive aggressive shit to her employees all day like “Oh, how...symmetrical” regarding their floor displays.

Caitlyn Jenner would be the MC at a 3rd rate drag show in Key West Florida.

Lily Tomlin would be a telephone operator. What? I can’t play?

[quote]Meghan McCain would be a Delta flight attendant, and never let anyone forget that her dad was a 747 captain.

Aren't there weight restrictions for those jobs?

R84 = Kate

Bill Hader = the "cool" IT guy in the office.

Meghan McCain would be married with five kids. Living in a trailer park. Working at a 7-11 and selling weed on the side.

Colin Jost would be a Branch Manager at Enterprise Rent A Car.

Well, she's not actually "famous," is she, really?

Jeremy Renner would be one of the gremlins that live under your bed.

Julia Roberts would be an assistant manager at a Dollar Store. Everyone she works with hates her. She’s sleeping with the manager.

R90, he would be a pug not a gremlin.

"Comedian" George Lopez would be permanently confined to a wheelchair after being stabbed by a random white guy he racially insulted while waiting in line to buy Lotto tickets at a Compton liquor store. Due to the severity of his injuries, he also wears a colostomy bag.

Kathy Bates, RN

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

Madonna would be a fairground stripper.

Lucille ball would have worked in a tollbooth.

Greasy diner - Short order cook; Michael Pena.

“Hey Pena! Ya’ burnt another fuckin’ omelet!”

How one cell of this disastrous actor’s being made it to the silver screen, is mind boggling.

Vivian Vance as Datalounge's very own Muriel.

Jessica Lange would sell trees and be a really nasty bitch about it.

Rachel Maddow - Suit sales at Men's Warehouse

Vince Vaughn would have been an Amway salesman.

[quote] Jessica Lange would sell trees and be a really nasty bitch about it.

I can see that. She’d be bitter and drunk most of the time while husband Sam would be drunk all the time inside the office.

Tom Cruise - HBIC of some sketch pyramid scheme.

Faye Dunaway would be the wife of a homophobic Baptist preacher.

Joan Crawford still would've been a child abusing drunk.

[quote]Rachel Maddow - Suit sales at Men's Warehouse

No, Rachel Maddow actually has a Stanford degree and a Rhodes (tell me those aren't awarded to a certain political class). She would be Professor of Lesbian and Transgender Studies at Cal State Chico.

r91, you think there are all those levels at the dollar store. There is usually 1 cashier and then 1 other worker who comes out the back to give that person a break or open a second register once there are 20 people in the one line, begrudgingly.

Ha ha. He’s a balloon boy!

The Kardashians would own a family run car wash that also sells slushy type drinks.

R19 SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!

Kardashian clan - grifters making money off GoFundMe scams

If Julie Andrews weren't famous she'd be a bouncer at a Lesbian bar in Los Angeles.

Mitch McTurtle = MORTICIAN

Armie Hammer - patio furniture buyer for Lowe’s; specializes in wrought iron and sustainable redwood. Addicted to medical grade cannabis and has hard crush on the guy in power tools.

No, no, no, [R114]! Not a mortician! He'd be a scoutmaster who molests little boys.

Ivanka Trump would be a day shift stripper at the sleaziest of strip clubs.

Ivanka Teump - plastic surgeon's receptionist.

Kary Perry - Sephora makeup saleswoman. Always has a loser boyfriend.

Johnny Depp - alcoholic tattoo artist. Complains that legalization has ruined his side business.

Miss Lindsey - pageant coach

Scarlett Johanssen - car saleswoman. Worked her way up from receptionist by screwing the dealership owner.

Jennifer Lawrence - her replacement as receptionist.

Miss Lindsey - starring as Blanche in a community theater production of A Streetcar Named Desire

Alec Baldwin would be a hard-drinking private dick, who refers to Asian people as “Orientals”, owes several bookies money, and slaps his secretary on the ass.

Nah, Goop would be just another Park Ave hedge fund gold-digging wife, a drunk and totally eating disordered.

Pretty much what she is now without the “acting” part.

AnnE would be a drama teacher, of course.

Tom Hanks would be a well-respected high school principal.

Rob Lowe would be a life coach and social media influencer. His YouTube channel would be devoted to sharing his secret with middle aged people on how to be healthier and more sexy in their fifties than they were in their twenties.

Sgt. Tom Selleck would probably have re-enlisted in the Army National Guard and risen to the rank of Lt. Colonel, retired early and opened a gun store.

Conan O'Brien would be the eccentric but very adept Mayor of Boston.

John Stamos would own a couple of successful jewelry stores in the valley. He would make most of his money by flirting with fraus and getting them to buy Pandora charms.

[quote] John Stamos would own a couple of successful jewelry stores in the valley. He would make most of his money by flirting with fraus and getting them to buy Pandora charms.

I recall a review of some Elvis tribute show Stamos hosted, and the critic wrote that if it weren't for his looks he'd be pumping gasoline at a full-service gas station.

Barbra would be a fat, retired secretary who is divorced and annoying the hell out of her two kids. She'd be like the mother on The Nanny.

R129 sounds about right. That’s the case with most good looking people. They get breaks just based on how attractive they are. Never have to develop any talent or personality. At least he seems somewhat charming, though.

Darren Criss - male prostitute

Matt Gaetz would be a high school PE teacher/wrestling coach in Florida. He's at a new school every year after DUIs, hitting kids, fighting with school admins, etc. He keeps getting jobs because his dad is a congressman with a lot of pull.

Mario Lopez would be a 40 year old busboy still working at El Torito Hollywood.

Jules Andrews is 84 years old r113.

[quote]Kim and Kanye here. Kim is a Realtor® and sells high-end property in the county. Kanye is still working on getting licensed as a Realtor®. Both are on the board of the homeowners' association for Rolling Hills, the gated community where they live.

R62, Assuming you are referring to Rolling Hills, California (Equestrian region of LA County), by the “gated” reference? If that’s the case - and given your attached photo - Kim and Kanye would be fish out of water in there. Unlikely they’d make the board of the homeowners’ association.

Your pic is the antithesis of the earthy, equestrian individuals of The Hill. Not sure they’d be a success in real estate there either.

(Have heard there is a Rolling Hills, Kentucky though. Perhaps they could sell to Rand Paul? Or his neighbour?)

Harry Styles would be a drag pageant queen.

[quote] Darren Criss - male prostitute

Yes, but what would he be if he weren’t famous?

Charlie Sheen managing a car wash.

Charlie Sheen would be directing and casting porn.

r133 - nailed it!

Marky Mark would be face-down, passed out drunk at Rachael Ray's bar every night. He would work odd hours doing construction or at the dock despite his ailing body.

Ellie Kemper would be working at her family's bank in Missouri.

Mila Kunis would still be blind in one eye and would be working as a stripper in some LA club.

Tom Hiddleston - short order cook ^^

Connie Francis would be the widow of a low-level Mafia enforcer and have forty-six grandchildren.

Tina Fey would be a high school anatomy teacher and giggle and tell off color jokes about body parts.

Taylor Swift would be a middle school music teacher who fucks her male students.

Chuck Todd would be a middle school band leader who has a night job at a call center because his frau wife has a QVC addiction.

^ oops, band teacher

Kelly Ripa would be an obnoxious MLM District Manager in Jersey with constant SM posts about her wonderful life due to her protein shake/patch/supplements. Kind of like Shanaan but alive.

Brie Larsen would be a barista. Hey, it could still happen if we are lucky.

Madonna would be a dance choreographer who owns her own studio. She is a legend in her own mind and constantly talks to her clients about who she could have been, and what she gave up when she left broadway behind to marry her wealthy old husband, who died in a tragic accident when he “fell” down the stairs.

Okay, so Julie Andrews is a RETIRED Lesbian bar bouncer...

Alyssa Milano would be working at her father's Italian restaurant as the hostess, disinterestedly seating patrons as she scrolls through Facebook on her cellphone.

Busy Phillips would be out on the floor at the local Old Navy outlet, refolding clothes left in the dressing room. But the customers really like her!

Courtney Love would still be whoring and lying her way around the music scene trying to find a meal ticket.

Susan Sarandon would be the thirsty old ho who works in the men’s clothing department at Macy’s. She wouldn’t take the job because she needs the, she would take it simply to wear low cut tops and push her saggy tiddies in every twenty year old boy’s face.

Matthew McConaughey would be a carnie, operating the Tilt-O-Whirl and fucking teenage girls in every town across the south.

This is a very funny thread.

R84 , NOT ANY LONGER

R136, didn't mean *that* Rolling Hills. I was trying to make up a name like "Del Boca Vista." In the back of my mind, I knew that there really was a Rolling Hills.

The real Rolling Hills looks like a very nice neighborhood.

R62

Kathy Griffin would be a cunty emergency call taker who gives people attitude and insists they stop screaming at her while they are bleeding to death.

Faye Dunaway spa receptionist / executives kept woman

Meryl Streep Sales clerk ladies ready to wear Neiman Marcus

Miley Cyrus teenage runaway / street hooker

Tomi Lahren - vapid twat working at the makeup counter

Chris Pratt would still be a fat waiter.

R148, I doubt she'd be having sex with any males

Meryl Streep went to Vassar. She'd be fine

Elizabeth Warren - blackjack dealer at her tribe's casino

Sarah Paulson - Massage therapist at a home for aging lesbians

R167 no adult males.

Warren is an accomplished woman. R169 must be a Trumpster.

R171, when was she ever dating boys in middle school? Or having relationships with any guys that weren't showmances?

Chrissy Metz, dispatcher at a cement company.

Taylor Swift has the brain of a teenage girl. She loves to date guys who are younger than she is. The older she gets the younger her men will get. What is the implication? That she is a clam licker? No way. That bitch is a narcissistic nut job who still thinks she is 17.

Jennifer Anniston. Worked her way up from car salesperson to Finance Manager at the local Mercedes-Benz dealership. Lots of stress eating, but has recently hired a personal trainer to get her weight back down to where it should be.

Kellyanne Conway running a payday loan company.

R176 Kellyanne Conway is the corner meth head and prostitute. $5 or a couple of Frostys will get you a BJ.

R174, the guy she's with now is around the same age as her, if you buy that they're a real couple. She was also linked to guys who are older like Jake Gyllenhaal and John Mayer

George W. Bush - alcoholic insurance salesman

Martha Stewart - matron in women's penitentiary

Sharon Stone would be an aging yacht girl hanging out in Cannes, or the wife of a rich Russian oligarch living in the South of France.

Bates would be a successful real estate agent.

P!nk would be the team captain for a roller derby team.

Anne Hathway would be the annoying family custody attorney.

Tim Tebow, gym teacher who likes showering with the guys a little too much

Kathleen Turner would work for the IRS.

Aaron Schock would be the "cool" youth pastor/seminarian at a small church in Peoria.

Kris Kardashian would be the top realtor in the LA Basin, she'd have a real estate empire.

Her adult children would all work for her on and off as their marriages allow, but none of the daughters would take real estate as seriously as their mother, or be as successful. Because they'd treat the job as a means to meet wealthy men, not as an end in itself.

Nick Jonas would be the attendant at a dry cleaners.

Vince Vaughn would be a sleazy, low-level drug dealer on the Hollywood strip.

Andy Buckley (David Wallace in The Office) would be a stockbroker, which he actually was before he started acting. I’d gladly let him manage my assets.

Charlton Heston would have owned a chain of gun stores in Southern Missouri and Arkansas.

R184 - Anne Hathaway would be an A.U.S.A

"Dr." Phil would invent a pillow filled with cut up foam strips. Oh wait, some mustachioed asshole already did that...never mind.

Actually not everyone will understand that acronymn- Assistant US Attorney.

Jimmy Fallon would work at the local bowling alley counter, sniffing the dirty shoes as they get turned in.

Chris Hemsworth would be a waiter at a Gold Coast beach restaurant, and would only show up for work when he felt like flirting for tips. Always in trouble over child support payments.

Robert Downey Jr. would be a bond trader. He'd be currently living in a halfway house after his fifth trip to rehab, and trying to figure out if he can work a third bankruptcy.

Benedict Cumberbacht would be a professor of art History at a minor university. He's thought to have a great lecturing style, and is always suspected of fucking students.

Jeremy Renner would be a fat alcoholic middle manager at Southwest Airlines HQ, and whenever he'd had a fight with one of his ex-wives he'd take it out on his underlings. His underlings joke about his habit of spending quiet moments scrolling through pictures of male Instahos.

Chris Pratt would be a district manager at Walmart, and would thoroughly enjoy forcing his employees to work unpaid overtime.

Jared Kushner - obnoxious investment banker

Dr. Drew - high school science teacher, the one all the students hate

Franki Grandé would be one of the attendants at the petting zoo at Knott's Berry Farm. His half-sister, Areola Grandé, would be one of the counter people who always fuck up your order at Del Taco.

James Corden would be making my Blizzard at Dairy Queen.

James Corden would be making my Blizzard at Dairy Queen.

"He would also give you side eye while sneering."

How could you tell? Doesn't Andy Cohen always give "side eye?"

Will Smith - pastor at a big LA mega-church. Always hustling the flock for "charitable donations", which judging by his lifestyle, seams to start with his local Mercedes dealer.

Patti Lupone would be a chocolatier at the Northport Sweet Shop.

Tracee Ross would be a claims adjusters. Even though she would be sympathetic, she would still deny your fraudulent claim. Whiplash my ass.

r204, he'd also be hitting on male parishioners on the downlow, while Jada hits on all the female parishioners

David Archuleta would be a bagboy at a grocery store and the fraus would rave about what a nice boy he is.

Jesus H. Christ, carpenter

R205, Lupone strikes me as more a hairdresser or nail salon worker type. One whose customers complain about because she reeks of alcohol all the time, causing her to have a meltdown and shave all of some frau's hair off. Eventually gets fired and has been unemployed ever since. The staff at the welfare office loathe her and her attitude.

Millie Bobby Brown, Finn Wolfhard, Noah Schnapp, Gaten Matarazzo, Caleb McLaughlin: High school students

Vin Diesel - bartender at a gay bar.

Dwayne Johnson - personal trainer who now owns a chain of local gyms. Wants to become a motivational speaker, too, because that's where the real money is.

Britney would have stayed home in Kentwood, Louisiana, where she'd work as a waitress at a sleazy diner. She'd be married to the former captain of her highschool football team turned used car dealer who'd beat her on the regular and fuck black strippers on the side. She'd be dangerously overweight and would have just welcomed her first grandchild.

Sissy Spacek would be making home made jewellery and selling them at a local market in the middle of nowhere in Texas.

Meryl Streep - Professor Emeritus of Theater Arts at a small liberal arts college. The SJW snowflake "activists" protesting everything her students ever performed drove her into early retirement.

Do me! Do me!

Do us! Do us!

Then us! Then us!

r215, Streep is a liberal and the people who usually whine about SJWs (i.e. Republicans) would probably consider her to be an SJW

R219 - sensible liberals hate the sort of campus SJWs who pull shit like protesting anything feminist for being trans-exclusionary, and that's what Prof. Streep would have had to put up with. She's 70, she would have retired with a generous pension and all the other lovely benefits that come with being a professor of the era when tenure was available.

Anyway, end thread hijack.

Dakota Johnson - barista.

Jim Carrey - homeless man who wanders down the street screaming at the aliens.

Steve Martin - Journalist turned blogger and free-lance writer, because real journalists have been having more and more trouble getting work over the last few decades. Has trouble paying his mortgage.

Matt Damon - middle manager at a telecom corporation, is bitter because he his Harvard degree should made him a BP by now.

Hailee Steinfeld- high school music teacher who is the lead singer in cover band that performs on weekends and at summer weddings.

Hailee Steinfeld- high school music teacher who is the lead singer in cover band that performs on weekends and at summer weddings.

I meant "VP by now". Dammit.

R220, sensible liberals don't use right-wing talking points and they don't hate trans people. Republicans do.

Witty DLers, what are your best guesses as to what these folks would be up to:

Jon Hamm

Stephen Colbert

Seth Meyers

Joy Behar

Elisabeth Moss

John Goodman would be a long haul truck driver.

Seth Meyers would have been an awesome school principal -Beloved by students, parents, and staff.

Stevie Nicks would be a palm and tarot card reader.

Joy Behar is the cashier at a diner. She does not make eye contact and sits on her perch screaming "CASH ONLY" as the ash on her Benson & Hedges 100 magically stays attached to the tip of her cigarette.

Stephen Colbert makes keys at Lowes Home Improvement.

Logan Lerman: associate rabbi at Temple Emmanuel of Beverly Hills

No -Stephen Colbert would have been a college English Lit. prof. who flirted with all of his students, regardless of gender, but never had sex with any of them...

Steve Martin would be a curator for MOMA And the Met Museum of Art. At night for fun he would be a busker playing his banjo in Times Square.

[quote] Matt Damon - middle manager at a telecom corporation, is bitter because he his Harvard degree should made him a BP by now.

Wouldn't his ass alone have made him a VP or at the least famous?

[R209] My favorite rock opera.

Sigourney Weaver would own a successful customized aquarium shop and oversee all the work herself. She'd also be on the board of an oceanography non-profit and be on hand to tell grade-schoolers about the importance of keeping our oceans clean.

Jodie Foster would be a talented but overlooked sole woman partner at a pricey Los Angeles architectural firm. She'd do pro-bono work for women's shelters and the senior male partners would make nasty jokes about it whenever she was in the office and then snarl "dyke!" whenever she left the room.

Dr Phil would be a weatherman in nowhere Arkansas. His career would be ruined when his summer bbq series accidentally showed him getting a blow job from the house frau who was hosting the bbq and has never met a “celebrity.”

From the past....

Joan Crawford would be the Vice President of a prestigious modeling firm in a landmark of Mid-century Park Avenue architecture. She would always dress very well and have advice and tips for all her girls, mostly to do with men being evil and the need for thicker eyebrows. Her clients and models would both treat her with a mixture of grudging respect and good-old-fashioned terror. She would average a PA every three months, but would always write them an excellent reference.

Across the hall in the same classic 1950s Park Avenue building, Lauren Bacall would be running a boutique PR firm. She would have a handful of truly exceptional clients - Blackglama, the Orient Express - but would make most of the real money in cat food and instant coffee accounts. She would be even better-dressed than Joan and the two would strike up an uneasy not-quite-feud in the elevator, based on Lauren's ability to still land on best-dressed lists where Joan was thought too matronly.

The lobby attendant would, in due course, begin to hate his life.

Also from the past...

Grace Kelly would be the smart stenographer who went into the courts against the wishes of her upper class Philadelphia family as she felt a need to understand the rights and laws that bind the US together. After two years she would be swept off her feet by the NYC DA and installed in a splendid but tasteful 1935 Colonial Revival mansion in Litchfield, Connecticut, where she would chair garden-club luncheons, cultivate rare finches, raise two beautiful children and rue the day she was fucking born.

Cary Grant would be the talented but high-strung director of window treatments at Saks Fifth Avenue. His triumphs - a window of leopard prints incorporating live leopards, a display of suits light enough to flee an attack by plane - would be offset by a nervous breakdown one Christmas season when his aunt reveal to him that they've been chopping up the homeless for the last 20 years and, furthermore, always knew he was gay.

R221 Matt would eventually tire of the business world and his bitterness and buy a zoo. It would be a new beginning.

R79 I can hear Streeps voice saying "And you say this has not been worn? Hmm, quite odd. I don't recall this stain. The refund should appear in several days on your card. "

R240, what about Bette Davis?

I picture Bates as a center left democrat senator from a southern state.

Tom Cruise. Highly successful real estate agent. Instead of Scientology, he is hooked on one of those cultish self help groups that emphasize how everything in life is a choice.

Kim Kardashian, beautician and later on an owner of a spa in Beverly Hills.

[R244] Bette Davis would be the spirited owner of a stud farm in Millbrook, NY. She would ride like the devil himself over the low green hills every morning after her breakfast of a prairie oyster and bourbon chaser. The doughty but respectable and roughly manly owner of a major farming equipment company, recently relocated to that district after separating from his shrew wife, would woo her and woo her and woo her and woo her until it finally dawned on him that she simply did not give a sainted fuck.

Kate McKinnon- social worker at homeless shelter for gay teens

From the past...

Ava Gardner would be a successful realtor in Brooklyn Heights, specializing in the brownstones of that neighborhood. She would be helpful, soft-spoken and always wear fresh pastels. She is currently repping a beautiful apartment at 10 Montague Terrace, an elegant mansion on one of the most charming blocks in the city...she's sure she can do something on the monthly rental, Miss Parker, if it's a little too high...

Cyndi Lauper would run a cool consignment store in Cobble Hill. She'd partner with Emma Straub to do ghost story readings at Emma's bookstore for kids with cancer on Halloween and would dress up as the witch. She'd be facing bankruptcy every quarter but some sympathetic mafia don or rock star would always swoop in and buy a rickety armchair for 10 grand.

What would Damon AND Affleck be doing now?

Jennifer Connelly would be a super-nice yoga instructor in Park Slope. She would give beginner's lessons to both male and female students and remain genuinely oblivious to those who simply took the course to check out her magnificent rack.

R238 probably the same thing asshole studio execs said every time she left the room.

[R253] That may have been my implication.

"What would Damon AND Affleck be doing now?"

Married. To each other.

Sophia Vergara would be engaged to some old fart on 90 Day Fiance.

Jennifer Garner- school teacher at a conservative private Christian school

R232, I think that describes Ansol Eggert or whatever his boring name is even more. Or maybe he'd be a DJ at bar mitzvahs like the one where he was "discovered".

The truth is that if a lot of these people couldn’t have made it as actors they would have done something “adjacent“ instead: gone into PR, magazines or digital/social media depending on age, stylists, photographers, some may have been actual journalists (the smarter ones), etc. If you ask a lot of people in these industries, many of not most of them wanted (and sometimes actually tried) to be actors and actresses before they threw up their hands and said “ok I’ll do something where I can at least get a taste of that lifestyle.”

Katie Holmes, a Kelly girl.

Lindsay Lohan, a call girl

Dina Lohan, a madam

Lindsay Lohan, a call girl

Dina Lohan, a madam

Jennifer Lawrence would be a checkout chick at Walmat supporting a child of whom she is not sure who the father is.

Soap Edition:

Kelly Monaco/GH: ASMR videos on YT

Mo Benard/GH: Tire Salesman at Sears Automotive Center

R259 is probably the most realistic answer.

Nicole Kidman : rich Stepford housewife in an upper middle class CT town. Highly educated and neurotic. A member of the Homeowners Association.

Pete Davidson : barista at Starbucks . You can never tell if he's flirting with you or smirking at you.

Jessica Chastain : journalist for a liberal publication.

[quote]Nicole Kidman : rich Stepford housewife in an upper middle class CT town. Highly educated and neurotic. A member of the Homeowners Association.

Nicole Kidman would still be in Australia.

Actually, Pete Davidson would be an ex-barista who refuses to seek treatment for his psychiatric disorders or addictions. He'd be broke, couch-surfing, and always one argument away from being out on the street. Eventually he'd wind up in jail for killing a Datalounger, who was stupid enough to let him in the front door.

Jen Lawrence would be a single mom with four kids (each with a different dad) who quit her job at the Dollar Store to go party with the spring breakers in Florida because she ain't scared of no Corona. Returns from Florida poz, pregnant, poor and pissed off.

Angeline Jolie - founder of a cult where all members get plastic surgery to look like her

Chris Hemsworth - australian tour guide in an american city where he hooks up with a new girl every weekend.

Oprah - respected journalist turned politician. First gay president

Kim Kardashian - make up clerk at a pharmacy. Has an OnlyFans

Jim Carrey - high-level con artist. The kind who can appear to be a top money manager or a Vanderbilt heir, and get the wealthy and greedy to trust him with millions. Is wealthy, but keeps stealing anyway, out of pure evil.

George Clooney - media spokesman for a price-gouging pharmaceutical company.

Sacha Baron Cohen - surgeon with a terrible bedside manner. Just wants to collect his fee and slice up the next person.

Sharon Stone - the latest Mrs. Rupert Murdoch.

Michelle Williams would be a screw in a female prison.

Jim Carrey. Top clown in the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus. Mugging his way to the center ring.

Ben Affleck would be an alcoholic car salesman living in a rent-controlled apartment in Southie. He has trouble affording rent because the majority of his paycheck goes to Red Sox tickets.

Billy Crudup- college English professor who fucks students

Harvey Weinstein would be a goon for the mob. Oh wait...

Al Pacino would have been a male gigolo servicing insatiable, elderly Sicilian nonnas.

George Clooney would be a low-level manager at a plastics factory.

Roseanne Barr would be in prison for killing her family in 1984.

John Goodman was a truck driver until his death in 1996.

Laurie Metcalf would be a high school English teacher and faculty adviser for the drama club.

Ben Affleck would be living the same life that his old man had: alcoholic janitor.

Jon Hamm would be in prison.

John Slattery would be a Dentist or a Dermatologist.

Vincent Kartheiser would be a Service Advisor at a Honda Dealership.

Flo from Progressive would be a working at Fantastic Sam's or Great Clips and aspiring to one day be at Regis Salon in the Mall.

Juliette Lewis tells you that the Trader Ming sauce you're buying is her absolute favorite while she scans your groceries at Trader Joe's in Santa Monica.

Jessica Lange would be a Wal-Mart catalogue model.

Gwynneth Paltrow: High-end interior decorator since the divorce. The nouveau-rich housewives of LA think she's SO classy!

Ben Stiller: Chief accountant at the power company, likes nothing better than finding trifling errors and yelling about them.

Drew Barrymore: Assistant at a small-animal vet.

Taylor Swift - Top buyer for Forever 21.

Jeremy Irons - long-term member of parliament.

He looks great on TV, supremely photogenic, articulate, and charismatic. In private, he does whatever his advisors and puppet masters tell him to do, because he's an idiot with an IQ lower than George W. Bush's.

Ellen DeGeneres: store manager at Walmart or sadistic driving instructor.

[quote]George Clooney would be a low-level manager at a plastics factory.

Is that assuming his aunt wasn't already famous either?

Florence Pugh would be a cleaner.

"Jessica Lange would be a Wal-Mart catalogue model."

She was an actual model before she started acting

Liza would be a waitress at Pizza Hut.

Octavia Spencer would be a receptionist or a subway conductor.

Sarah Silver- annoying head nurse at a retirement community for Jewish people

Ben Affleck would be a car salesmen in Sparta Ga. for Hyundai

Rosie OD would be a miserable gym teacher at a jr high school

[quote] Sarah Silver- annoying head nurse at a retirement community for Jewish people

The photographer?

Ryan Reynolds would be a minor league hockey coach in Canada.

Ivanka Trump would be a cashier at the Piggly Wiggly in Moultrie Ga

Jimmy Kimmel would be a Used Car Salesman at one of those lots that advertises "Buy Here, Pay Here. No Credit, No Problem. Bring your Paystub."

Mariska Hargitay would be a Front Desk Clerk at a county hospital ER.

Madonna said she would have either become a nun or an entertainer. I can imagine her being very pious in church settings and then seducing teenaged boys behind closed doors.

When was Madonna ever pious? She's probably be a retired stripper

Ed O Neill : used car salesman. And he would also be the guy screaming and raging at Little League games when his kids were growing up.

Someone please do Charlize Theron next.

Rachel Ray - Home Economic teacher

R304 She's been an inmate in South African prison.

Connie Britton: Housewife in some stucco suburb in Arizona. Former PTA vice president, now a part time Zumba instructor cause the kids are finally out of the house and she can have a real career.

Connie has never married. She'd probably be a bull dyke driving a truck

R308 Connie was married. Britton was the name of her ex-husband. Her maiden name was Womack.

She also dated that weirdo comedian Jason Mantzoukas. That said, she pings my gaydar.

R302 Retired? She wouldn't retire.

R309 Slightly OT but I always thought Jason Mountzakas looked Indian but he's 100 percent Greek.

Charlize Theron would be in a South African prison serving time for killing her married lover. She has two children, one by the deceased and another born when Charlize was 15. She refuses to disclose who the father of that older child is.

In prison she's the leader of an Afrikaner gang and they spend time plotting ways of restoring white rule in the country.

Henry Cavill - waiter at a high-end LA restaurant. Lives well on the tips he gets from the eldergays.

Toni Coletti - checkout chick a lower end department store. Fat as fuck.

Gio Benitez — "Special" TV reporter on such things as exploding beach umbrellas and carcinogenic sunscreen. Oh, wait…

Jennifer Garner would be living in a red state with her low-level state politician husband, 7-going-on-8 kids, homeschooling, and idolizing Michelle Duggar.

Sara Gilbert would be a no nonsense LCSW whose personal life is a bigger mess than her clients.

Michelle Williams- Libertarian stock broker like her father

The Other Michelle Williams - Lube Dispenser at the local bathouse.

Rihanna - Church First Lady.

Dusty Springfield - Ice Cream Lady.

Gavin Newson would be a plastic surgeon.

Gayle King would be an OBGYN.

Norah O'Donnell would be VP at a bank or stock brokerage.

Savannah Guthrie would be the perky New Accounts Manager at a bank in the south trying to sell me all kinds of additional services when all I want is a basic checking account.

Jenna Bush Hager would be processing my return at Target Customer Service. That is when Target starts accepting returns again, I hear they've stopped taking exchange/returns.

Kimberly Guilfoyle - pharmaceutical sales rep

Rosie O'Donnell and Ellen Degeneres: school bus drivers or cafeteria workers

Sean Hayes: originally a shopbottom at Marshall Field's, rose to manager of the women's shoes department when it was bought out by Macy's

Neil Patrick Harris: magician for children's parties

David Hyde Pierce: English professor SUNY Albany

Reese Witherspoon - CEO of Michael's Crafts or Home Goods. She'd know exactly what her frau demographic wants, how to give it to them at a bargain price, how to make them want more, and how to ruthlessly eliminate the competition!

R325 She also makes generation donations to the GOP.

Reese isn't a Republican

Queen Latifah- owner of a lesbian gym

Kanye West - homeless mental patient who screams at the aliens and who will take any drug going to quiet the voices.

The late Charlie Sheen - the same, until he was shot by a cop.

Lady Gaga - barista by day, makeup vlogger by night!

Tom Hanks - beloved local newscaster.

R325, the bit about Reese is probably more on the money than any other post in this thread. She definitely has the right Type A personality and is smart enough to be CEO of a company that caters to dumb frauen.

Hopefully, the fraus won't turn much on Reese after the Draper James dress giveaway disaster.

r331, what happened with that?

R332 Draper James announced a giveaway for dresses for teachers. Over a million teachers applied for the giveaway, but 250 dresses were going to be given away. That pissed off people because it ended up a being a raffle/lottery type situation. The application page is still up and it explained that the applications were going to be put in a lottery. Some people called it a marketing ploy because some people who didn't win were sent discount codes for items.

The giveaway could have been handled better. I know Witherspoon isn't a DL fave. But, I don't think she is a horrible monster like Ellen.

Ellen's not a "monster" (except maybe according to Republicans who hate gays)

I recall Blinds about being awful to nannies and nanny agencies speculated to be Reese.

R335 I remember gossip years back that she refused to employ Hispanic people for her household staff.

Martin Short would be the French teacher at a small private high school outside Québéc. He would be the drama club sponsor who fights the administration to do edgy shows like The Fantasticks. Once a year at Christmas, the drama kids would go caroling and have hot cocoa at his house.

Roseann Barr - went from grocery store checker to homeless bag lady, as her mental health deteriorated.

Taylor Swift - runs an expensive high-fashion boutique with her girlfriend and her daddy's money. Hires other rich girls and treats them like friends who obey orders.

Saoirse Ronan - weird withdrawn girl in IT department, lives a secret life through her gamer persona.

Rudy Guiliani - mob lawyer. Oh, wait...

Rudy Guiliani - a pimp