I need decorative help with my apartment!

Zoom allows you to drop in a variety of backgrounds. You can load your own images, too.

Done. Don't let strangers see your home. No good will come of that.

Attach old Blueboy centerfolds to your walls with duct tape.

God I so wanna be the witty R1 reply here

Designer wallpaper can brighten up your space, OP!

Sorry, I meant designer wrapping paper!

Straw.

This is the most Datalounge predicament ever.

Sit in front of a window with the curtains drawn. Lace curtains preferably.

Do a tight shot of you sitting in front of a North-facing window. Or just join the audio portion of the conference. Or appear nude in front of the camera and tell them your latest Grinder trick robbed you blind...

I’d go with a Jeannie’s Bottle theme.

Do the meeting on the toilet.

Be DL meta. Put up photos of actual coin slots and rosebuds.

Sit in front of a window with the curtains open. Just be a silhouette. It'll be cool!

Make sure you wear your best caftan.

If only "I Love Lucy" were still around to turn this premise into one of its most hilarious episodes.

"Ooops. I meant to zoom in not out. WAAAAH!"

Select: Blur background.

The OP is too shy to show off his mother's basement.

Chairs might be nice.

That's what you get for lying, OP. Liars never prosper. Nyah nyah nyah

Can't you opt out? I would never share my living space with coworkers.

Steal some pics from our best Tasteful Friends threads and create a slide show to play behind you.

Your co-workers will be so impressed with your elegance.

Tell them you had to do the Zoom meeting somewhere else.

everyone else is doing bookcases, OP.

You can do it, OP. You just get somebody you find who's good with those things and get it changed overnight. All before they ring the doorbell the very next morning.

You are going straight to hell for lying. A naked picture of Satan might be appropriate.

Take the call outside.

Buy a gothic mansion photo backdrop.

I would go for something really bland and impersonal, like closed curtains or closed blinds. The Zoom backgrounds look kind of odd, IMO. I like the idea of loading your own background image and using the same one every time.

Does anybody use a ring light or some semi-flattering kind of lighting? I'm not really that vain, but these increased video calls are getting to me. I just ordered something from Amazon, but it doesn't arrive for a while.

sit in front of window.

You have my permission to use this photo, op. Your co-workers will be super impressed. Do you have the power to fire any of them at the meeting? Do that at the end. They will love you for it.

Sit in front of a window

Outside (is this possible?

In front of bookshelf

I think sitting in front of the window (during daytime) would turn you into a silhouette, like R13 said. The camera would adjust for all the light coming from the outside.

Tell them you broke into a welfare hovel to 'see how the other half lives'

If you have a wall in mind that you can work with, freshen it with a coat of fresh paint. And a bookcase or floating shelves. Add a love plant to your space.

Put a bunch of bookcases behind you with some books and some vases. Look at the Colbert show for tips.

If you can’t do that, my suggestion would be to paint one blank wall a color. Nothing too vibrant, but dark looks better on camera. Navy blue, dark teal, dark green or dark purple. Or if you’re not willing to go out to get paint, you could hang some some curtains. Make sure they’re ironed if they’re wrinkled.

Here’s what looks bad on video: any clutter at all. Even the tiniest pile of clutter looks absolutely horrible and much worse than it does in person. Create a little stage with as little detail as possible. If you have something like a credenza behind you, put a picture of your family and maybe a vase or bookend with a couple of books. That’s it. Make sure there’s no dust at all or anything dirty. It will show much worse on video. Clean everything behind you. If there’s a picture, clean the glass. Make sure there’s no mirrors showing or glass reflecting clutter opposite you.

If you have a picture behind you, make it as bland and generic as possible. A landscape or a flower. Cut something out of a magazine or a calendar and matte it with an old matte. It will look fine as long as the paper isn’t see through. If the picture is something simple it looks better.

You could take a photo on your phone of a family member or pet and print it. Like a big portrait in black and white with a white matte board framing it. If you do this, make it a closeup, not a head to foot picture. Head and shoulders looks much better. The closer the closeup, the better it looks. If it’s a pet, get the whole body but as little background d as possible. Take the picture with as much light as possible, bring in lamps from all over the house and point them at your subject. Point the light down into the person’s face, they’ll look better. If you can stand above them (or on a ladder) it’s more flattering. Make sure the background is totally plain with no details. A white or colored solid wall is a good background.

Take a picture of your finished “set” on your phone. If there’s any dirt or clutter showing it will jump out at you. You may find you have to keep removing things. Less is more.

Look at pictures of expensive houses. What do you see? One, two, or no more than three LARGE objects. A large vase on a big table to the side behind you. A large picture on the wall behind you. Maybe a clunky lamp with some volume to it. That’s it. Nothing else. Don’t overdo it. Expensive is bare. Clutter looks poor.

Look around your house. Look at things as if they were props. A rectangular kitchen table behind you against the wall can make a credenza. Possibly a sofa table if it’s plain and fairly long.

Wear business wear or casual business wear including pants. If you have to get up and you’re not wearing pants you’re screwed. And you might have to get up to fetch something.

If you are absolutely broke and can’t do much, if the wall behind you is white, try washing it very carefully with a white washcloth or sponge and hot soapy water. Scrub every fingerprint and smudge off the wall but don’t scrub too hard. Make sure you get the door frame and light switch. Take a picture and make sure it’s all clean. That can make a big difference.

just put a table in front of a window. Or a closed door. Clean them.

Here’s something you could do with dollar store frames painted black or white, with framed black and white family pictures or plant pictures.

[quote] You could take a photo on your phone of a family member or pet and print it. Like a big portrait in black and white with a white matte board framing it.... If it’s a pet, get the whole body but as little background d as possible.

That sounds unprofessional, IMO.

How about wooden blocks that spell out inspirational words?

See how plain this is? Everything is large and clunky. There are three colors: turquoise, orange and brown. That’s it. If you want your space to look expensive, no more than three colors tops. Lots of negative (blank) space. Seeing things in photography or video is different than real life. The eye needs someplace to rest that is empty.

Maybe go down into your basement. Be sure to wear your terry cloth bathrobe.

paint a masterpiece and sit in front of that. I would say order an easel, but I do not think you will get it in time.

If you want to send a message: jail cell wall with hatch marks for days "in."

R39, another thing I’ve done is take a very close-in closeup of a flower or plant and framed that with a white matte. Or you can cut plant pictures out of calendars and frame them with a big white matte. But it has to be a single plant and fill most of the matte.

But a lot of people do have pictures of a spouse on a credenza behind them or one wall picture of a family member. Especially in a home office. It’s pretty traditional for people to have a picture of the fam on the credenza behind them.

Less is More

Don't have a beer can pyramid in the background, though.

OP never responded. Why is everyone wasting their time with advice?

op you have to keep us updated on your zoom meetings.

With the Zoom background feature R1 mentioned, use a photo of a dungeon.

Heres another view of Obama’s desk. See how little is in there? It doesn’t take much. His credenza isn’t even very big.

If you want a fancy desk, OP, look on Craigslist. I got a beautiful half round one for $100 a while back. You could probably get one for a steal now.

Hire a bookcase.

It's all the rage.

Is your boss in on the call? Use reverse psychology. Do the Zoom inside of your car and tell them you're living inside of it because your pay is so low.

Maybe he'll pity you and give you a raise.

pin a tie-dye sheet to the wall behind you. if you don’t have a bong buy a tall translucent plastic tumbler from the dollar store. rub your eyes.

R54, how do you know OP is in California? It could be more appropriate to hang a Confederate flag over the desk.

Decorate it like a 70s dorm room.

KISS Posters, Al Pacino as Serpico, Farrah and her nipple, and that 3-D King Kong poster from that DYNAMITE magazine.

Set up with a blank wall behind you. Then add this poster.

You'll be the talk of your work group.

OP - it would help if we had a picture of your potential spaces and we can help you arrange a "set" appropriately.

I was on a work Webex call and one guy was in bed shirtless. (no, not hot) I think he didn't know his cam was on and someone texted him about it.

It went off and he's suddenly sitting on his sofa fully dressed. LOL. Sounds like something dumb I'd do.

r38 and r41, both Diane Keaton houses.

OP's current home office. Maybe upgrade to an Acer laptop.

Zoom is notoriously unsecure.

There have been numerous people getting hacked, spied on and data stolen.

Use at your own risk.

R60, in real life, Duane Keaton is a House flipper. She’s got a real talent for staging houses for sale. It’s a very uncluttered style, but very stylish with few items. It’s not like the usual “empty hotel with no personality” style most stagers do.

Diane, not Diane^^

Actually, OP, if your space looks like that picture at R60, get rid of every single thing on the desk and the wall behind you that will be on camera. Replace with one large picture. The end.

The main thing that makes people’s houses look shitty is piles of clutter, as that picture at R60 shows. You can see the house isn’t terrible, it’s just a mess.

Thank you for all of the suggestions!

Y'all are trying too hard.

Too gawdy and showy, like Persian Princesses.

Prop up your laptop with againsr a bare, but well-lit wall (natural light preferred).

You are conveying you want to keep your glamorous surroundings to yourself. It's not for show to any and everyone.

The people that got "hacked" on zoom were idiots and shared their link on public social media, and didn't use any of the features zoom has to limit attendees or screen sharing.

Do what Ryan Reynolds did for his Steven Colbert interview this week. Plop yourself in a barn.

OP nail your collection of large dildos and sex toys to a wall and use that as your backdrop.

Just go to the garage and say "this was they only place I could get away and be alone". No one cares what your garage looks like.

Fuck, you have an apartment.

It looks like Bernie Sanders is a DLer. His home office has most of the features we talked about: deep wall color, family pictures behind him on the credenza, lamp. Look at Bill Maher’s place too. Deep neutral background color, a chair and sofa, and that’s about it. Very plain but interesting because of the wall color.

Here’s Conan’s home office. Neutrals, a guitar on the wall and a bust to make it interesting. Notice everything is the same neutral tones.

Sorry, wrong link.

I just went to ikea.com to order a billy bookcase to put in my cats eating area to put their cans in and to keep a small garbage pail in the bottom for their empty cans & they wanted $130 for shipping. For one $50 bookcase.

This is why using a dark paint color and only three colors works well. This office was made out of part of the laundry room. It’s literally a hole in the wall. But it looks nice because of the colors and because they’re using a substantial looking chair, which is just a dining chair.

A lot of people just empty out a closet, pull out the clothes rod, paint it a color, and put in a work surface. Put a nice print or some shelves in there and it looks fine on camera. But paint the walls because closets get a lot of wear and tear.

But won’t the laptop be facing the other direction from the desk, R76?

R75, Home Depot has wire racks that will do the same thing, and you can adjust the shelves and knock them down easily when you’re done. I used black plastic bins and stacked them for cat food. The wire racks come in silver and black too. I’m using black plastic stackable Husky bins and black milk crates on silver wire racks. They have the bins on Amazon too. We have a cat food station now, she goes to admire her stacks of wet cat food and bags of dry food.

Drape sheets on furniture and put paint cans and brushes strategically. Tell everyone that you are redecorating!

R77, good point, but you could use the closet/set as your background, and put a desk in front of it.

OP, here is your inspiration. I'm sure you can order most of this on-line. This will show up your co-workers and let them know who you really are

Someone’s going to make a killing on bookcase wallpaper.

I got a great idea for you, you betcha! Golly, I used this background and it went viral! Is there a slaughter house or something nearby you can use?

Don't feel so bad OP, you don't actually know what your coworkers' mobile homes look like, yours might be the fanciest one of all.

Do what Pee Wee did for his picture phone.

Someone recently bought Pee Wee's phone booth for $7500. He auctioned off a whole bunch of props from the show.

Hang a photo of George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Donald tRump on the wall behind you so they know you are a patriot.

Hang this on the wall behind you.

less is more

Wow, R88, the ghost of Jim Morrison is haunting the White House. Or is that Trump Tower?

A huge picture of Judy should be on the background.

where did OP go? you must update us op!

Put this in the background. Don’t mention it.

op bailed on his own thread

OP is hopeless. Blocked his webcam like all the office weirdos and uggos.

Thank you all for suggestions. I did what other suggested and just propped up laptop against a bare and well lit wall. A few coworkers missed out on the meeting and it was thankfully a short meeting.

OP is busy repainting his place.

OP, what else do you lie about?

I was the bare wall guy, OP. Good call.

It's the professional, discreet approach.