Let's Be the Party a MAGA Family Throws to Prove COVID-19 is a Hoax

Im the terrorist who licked the toilet bowl. I'm bringing the mini franks and a blanket

I'm the excuses that are made by the coughing guy as to what else could be causing it other than COVID-19 (Oh, it's just allergies!).

I’m the lack of healthcare.

I'm the open carry gun that'll go off after Fred's four beers.

I'm Susie, the oldest daughter in the family. I don't necessarily think the virus is a hoax (try telling mom that!), but I'm going along with it anyway since I heard it's better to get the virus early and let Jesus cure you, before He gets really busy with the rest of the world later. Also my mom says I need to be more social because I'm 17 and haven't had a boyfriend yet.

I’m the college aged son proud to be going back to Falwell’s university soon!

I'm the youngest daughter, Dakotah, who was raped by Uncle Fred. Since the abortion, everyone has shunned me and called me a Jezebel. They keep offering Uncle Fred more beers though.

I`m the huge uncovered bowl of potato salad.

My name is Ginfer. I knows this Chinese thing is a hoax pervetrated by the Democraitters to make us patriotic murkins look bad so I'se gonna prove it fake by kissing everybody at the barbecue wiff my mouth. I've got a cold and cough and I betcha that's all anyone else will get either. Cause I'm Ginfer and I knows my Jesus and Moses will oerteck me. This is the land of Christ, not science, bitches!

I'm Miracle Whip, Cool Whip, Cheez Wiz, margarine, and Watergate Salad.

Cousin Clem here. Even though I am always very vocally opposed to anyone receiving any sort of gubmint assistance (it's code for Negros and Mexicans), I can't wait to get my CoronaMoney from Mr. Trump. Let's see, $1200 for me, $1200 for my current common law wife and $500 for each of the 7 kids I don't bother to support. (their mamas are all whores).

I've spent this well deserved windfall that I haven't yet gotten several times over, on:

Bling-y wheels for the Trans Am Big night out at the floating casino Meth Multiple cases of PBR An AR-15 Another tattoo

Just doing my bit to stimulate the economy, good American that I am.

I'm the bathroom sink.

No one ever pays any attention to me. I feel invisible. It's distressing.

I'm cousin Kate but I go by Kat now and I'm Qanon Qrazy! The great awakening is here! Tom Banks, those 2 princes and soon Lady Gaga testing positive for this "virus" is proof that a new era is dawning! There will be cures for every disease, the leftists will join the pervert celebs in Guantanamo. Bill Gates will "kill himself" and JFK Jr will come back and smite the Clintons and Obama's! I've bought some new mailbox letters at home depot and if I don't get too drunk on bleach and Bacardi I'm going to stick a new line on my Vanifesto. God bless Trump curse the deep state hoaxers!

I'm the MAGA grandma willing to die for a great economy

It's not just MAGA types. There are a lot of ultra left-wing New Agey types who think this is a hoax. I've had to clean them up off of my social media feeds.

Kat, you forgot the apostrophe in Clinton's.

I'm the drunken admission among the ladies that Trump's adorable little kissy-lips make our gashes gush. We dream of his tiny hands fondling our sweet delicate flowers. The sound of his raspy, lisping little voice has us splorpin' and queefin' away.

I'm Kats daughter, Palin (I know, I'm changing it to Che when I turn 18 and a mystical healer follow on instagram told me coronavirus is just grief that hasnt left the body. We all need to turn our internal radio stations to positivity.

I'm Marie, I don't necessarily believe it's real, but I have been making masks for the gals at the local hospital. I'm all out elastic! I just think this virus is a way for the Chinese and George Soros to make Trump look bad. I'll bet Melania is making a ton of masks!

I'm COVID-19, busily popping all your lung cells like pretty balloons.

r17 that was stomach churning, but hilarious.

I love r18.

I'm Darwinism. I'm here to reduce the numbers of the stupid ones in the herd (that includes everyone at this silly party!)

I beg your pardon, R12! I just experienced Cousin Colton peeing in me after he jizzed in Cousin Brie Anna. She's on the toilet douchiing with a Coca Cola after their lusty bathroom coupling. I do admit there's no soap near me save for a sliver of Irish Spring covered in Uncle Fred's pubic hairs.

I'm the game of cornhole.

I'm the Rev. Bart Keystone.

I'm an assistant pastor at the Lower Upchuck Assembly of God megamagachurch. I'll be saying grace over the grocery story fried chicken and wrestling around with the kids. Lots of pinning them down and tickling.

My wife is pregnant with our fourth and doesn't feel well, so I dumped the other three on my mother so I could attend the party stag. Lots of souls to save.

I'm the dead lined up in a ditch

R14, I'm Rita, Fred's second wife, leading a prayer circle for Meemaw. So long as I have a breath in my body I won't let this lady die. As I pray I have a Marlboro Light 100 in my right hand, and a Michelob Lite in the other. I'll be good and God damned if I let the liberals take that away from me.

I'm Lynelle, the family drama queen. My favorite subject is my health and how poor it is. I'm regularly whisked away in an ambulance to the ER for various ailments. I have 7 doctors and 4 specialists and 6 diagnosis none of which are serious or even real. Thanks to my husband Mike's government job', something with computers I think, we have amazing insurance. I hate the government with a passion and I haven't been in love with a President like this since Reagan (I don't talk about Dubya anymore). Trump is a real man. This China Flu is all a hoax, car accidnets kill more people and we drive every day! But...I canceled all my regular doctor's appointments and I won't see the inside of an ER until this little tickle in my throat, probably just pollen, sends me into real cardiac arrest, not, oh damn, I took all my Xanax for the month, let's head to St James and hope Dr Barker is on duty, cardiac arrest. Come give Lynelle some sugar, I want to tell you what Rush Limbaugh was saying today about the deep state, it made me so mad I could spit. And I will.

I'm the upstairs neighbor with 911 on speed dial for when things turn ugly at about 11pm tonight.

Some baby will be screaming, 'nanny' will be motherfucking her husband, 'papa' for yelling at the 3-year old with FAS to 'shut the fuck up' in his face, the meth head father/son will drive up on a four-wheeler to whisk them away to a rented room at the local no-tell, and the mother of the kid will sit quietly crying and pray that her birth control is working later tonight when meth-head wants a piece in the bed next to the crib.

Rinse out scummy mouths with a morning beer, collect garbage for cans to buy more booze, repeat.

I'm the DLer down the block. I just ordered a Hazmat caftan. It can't get here fast enough!

I'm the garage full of toilet paper. I'm about to be listed on yard sale fb pages. One of the buyers is desperate for some because everyone in the house has had the trots. The thankful buyer leaves with 3 cases and pays cash. The buyer leaves a fecal smear on the top $20 bill. The smear is then smeared on each solo cup the host hands out at the beer keg. He does it to make sure only the adults get the red cups, blue ones are for kids and mountain dew.

I'm EasterFest 2020.

I'm the gay couple across the street that gets invited to show how inclusive the hosts are, and because the hosts know they'll never come. They answer the invite with "Maybe next pandemic"

I am Tater Tots.

I’m the local funeral parlor. We’re doubling our orders and expanding into the Hallmark next door soon as this idiots keel over.

I’m Jesus’ blood. I’m soaking in it!

"Shit! What do you mean 'don't double-dip my chip'? We're family here. Trump family!"

I'm the host's husband. All day now I've been thinking to myself "Minute I think of a good excuse, I'm goin out the truck stop and get me some dick!"

I'm cousin, Gerald, but they still call me Jerry Berry. I left here two years ago with a full ride to our state college through my hard work, perseverance, and a high school wrestling coach who saw my potential. Classes were canceled because of this virus so I decided to sneak out of the dorm and re-visit the family for this party. Here comes Uncle Tucker - the family calls him Uncle Fucker behind his back - hope he recognizes me...

I’m the laundry basket by the front door where everyone will dump their mandated masks when they get here.

It don’t matter if they write their names on ‘em, they’ll all just grab whichever one when it’s time to take off, they’re just to keep the po po off’n their backs, anyhow.

I’m the obituaries in the local paper. I omit the facts of their demise.

Here we are paying a visit to our statehouse to discuss this virus nonsense with our legislators. We're a friendly bunch.

I'm Billy Bob, Susie's twin brother. Little does my big brother know that when he goes off to Falwell's university I go through his underwear drawer and try everything on. I already gots me a couple of his ratty, old, used jockstraps that I sniff and suck while I pound my pud. My all-time favorite memory is that night he got so drunk he passed out on the back porch and I pulled his britches down...

I'm saying prayers over this delicious meal . This family is praying that Golden Corral down the road opens soon .

I'm the Kid Rock music playing.

I'm Uncle Jed, 75. I started coughing and I couldn't stop, so I had to go lie down in the bedroom. I won't last another week, but dang if I didn't own the libs!

I'm the cigarette smoke that permeates the air.

I'm Fox News. I'm left on through this whole party. There are whoops and cheers and even some ass slapping when one of our talking heads says Real Americans are immune to the Coronavirus.

I'm Aunt Karen and I'm renting the patriotic themed bounce house for the kids to play in. I'm also making child size Trump 2020 shirts for the party.

I'm the bullet that grazed little Brayleigh when we all shot our guns at midnight.

I'm Payton. I'm dry-coughing every five seconds while I play Fortnite. Everyone else can have their pox-party. I want to die with a controller in my hand while I shout six-letter "F" and "N" words into my headset.

I am the Go Fund me page that will be put up by various family members to pay for the inevitable funerals.

I'm the kids already eyeing up Uncle Jed's stuff and arguing over who gets what.

`I am Kat's fibromyalgia, that with the Corona virus she picked up at a trump rally will kill her

We’re the really kind couple who everyone in the neighborhood likes because we’re so helpful to all the seniors. We’re genuinely nice and polite. We avoid talking politics unless it’s with other Trump supporters. We don’t wear MAGA gear. We don’t even fly the flag. We did slip that one time. Said something righteous about illegals and got a funny look. We live in the closet. We live in Massachusetts.