I moved to Honolulu 3 months ago and I'm miserable

Were you miserable before?

If you top yourself off, can I have your house? I love Honolulu.

Why are you choosing to be miserable?

If you gave OP $1 million in cash he'd complain that he has to count it.

What do you not like about it?

I have a house in the Waialae-Kahala area, which I visit from the mainland 2-3 times a year. It's a great vacation or retirement place, but not to live full-time when you're younger.

Do you feel isolated?

Are you sad because Don Ho died before you could meet him?

A friend of mine lives there. He describes it as being like an expat lifestyle. There are lots of people who make regular visits, others who are there for a finite amount of time, and of course people who consider themselves permanent. He's not a big joiner, but has get involved with groups like Frontrunners. He also had a friend who had lived there for awhile and so hangs out with him and his wife and has met people through them.

A guy I went to school with moved there (from the mid west). He lives a beach/hippie lifestyle and hosts whale watching excursions, taking people out on a boat. I know he can barely afford to live as it's very expensive, but seems content. I'm envious of all the beauty around him.

You said to ask you questions but you are not answering them, OP. Grr.

I visited Honolulu last winter for the first time. All of the natural aspects of it felt and looked like absolute paradise. I’m not even into tropical beachy places, but it was indeed paradise-y.

I did notice that the local people complained a whole lot. Two people who drove us around complained about the schooling, saying that anyone who wants a decent education has to pay over $40,000 to send their kids to Barack Obama’s high school; otherwise, they’re screwed. We didn’t ask. People just volunteered this. And I couldn’t tell you how many people complained about the cost of living. Real estate is unaffordable unless you’ve inherited an ild family home, they told us over and over, almost as if they had island-wide talking points. Multiple people also complained about the gas and food prices, explaining that everything has to be shipped to them from the mainland and therefore is expensive. What I took from this conversation is that 1) it’s part of the local culture to complain openly about the cost of living there just as it’s part of UK culture to complain about weather; and 2) it’s prohibitively expensive, making it a nice place to visit but not to live.

Do the locals hate you?

Is Charo still working the block on Hotel Street?

Did you try to eat the plastic sushi?

Wiki-wiki

R11 The locals are understandably trying to discourage the haoles from moving to Hawaii. It's already expensive and overcrowded.

[quote]Why are you choosing to be miserable?

No one "chooses" to be miserable. What OP needs to choose to do is move.

R4's posting history confirmed my suspicion that she was a straight Fraucunt—only they would be arrogant enough to make that kind of assumption about someone they don't know.

Go back to guzzling your pumpkin spice latte and bothering your neighbors in the next cubicle.

R13 Yes, but I think they are sincere and I also think part of the complaining is just the local culture. Shit IS expensive there. You basically need a million bucks to buy a shipping container hanging off the edge of a mountain, nowhere near the beach. We ordered burgers at some local fast food place and they were almost $20 a piece. It was totally untenable. A lot of local people did tell us that they eat poi all the time, for all their meals, because it’s high in calories and affordable (and island tradition).

[quote]Do the locals hate you?

I have not been met with any open hostility by the locals. As a matter of fact, they treat me with the kind of overt politeness that indicates that although they don't really have anything against me, they do consider me the "other" (I don't know if that makes sense). It's a little difficult to explain.

NOTHING makes you happy! Come back to Detroit, winter ❄️ is just starting.

R2 hate to break it to you but I don't own my own house. There's a few cans of SPAM lite and a half-eaten musubi you can have though.

With all that naked hula dancing everywhere, cut or uncut?

OP - I lived there for 12 years.

You will have periods of loving it and periods of desperately seeking to leave.

The locals will consider you entitled but will begin to accept you after about a year. They will ALWAYS assume you will return to the mainland no matter how long you stay. Sadly, the best way to be accepted is to marry a local. I know it sounds absurd, but once you are part of a family many doors will spring open.

Jobs and housing are probably the biggest problem. Many believe those should all be reserved to the "aina". I was lucky enough to get a job for a company that had lots of connections to the mainland and therefore paid enough so that I only needed one job. That is not the case for most folks, local or otherwise. However, I cannot tell you how many apartments became unavailable to me once the owner discovered I was from the mainland.

I wish you the best of luck!

And bring your goddamn shovel, it’s starting to snow & sleet heavy. I’m not going to have you sit in the basement all day & night doing meth and playing fortnite.

That’s why I kicked your ass to the curb in the first place.

You could just call them out and say, “What do I have to do to make you like me? Marry your sister? I am trying to hard here to be Ohana!”

I would suggest you stop wearing your FUCK TULSI shirt but I don’t want you to and so I won’t.

op hasn't returned, to explain why he/she is so miserable.

I have family there. Left and never came back. More than 20 years ago. school teacher can barely make ends meet. Yes everything has to be shipped over there. Look. If a volcano erupts ( and they do) or if there is an earthquake ( and they do have them) or a whopper Pacific cyclone, ( those too) You'll die. Boom. Like that. Gone. So just decide: would you prefer to be buried alive, incinerated, or drowned? And they have bugs. LOTS of bugs you have to keep open food containers like a box of cereal, in the refrigerator in sealed containers.

[quote] R14: No one "chooses" to be miserable. What OP needs to choose to do is move.

One only chooses to be miserable. People can be happy in the worst of circumstances. It helps to have an understanding and appreciation that most people could be far worse off than they are, at any given time, and have some source of happiness. Even the Darfur orphan is happy as a claim if he has a few flies to play with.

OP - do you play your ukulele on the hill above the bay?

R26 Another perspective is that we all die sometime, from different causes. Some people “do everything right” and die in freak accidents, violent attacks or from an unknown health condition. Some people live to be 90 and spend 15 years in agony. Some people figure they’d rather live a relaxing, calm life in a picture-perfect paradise and if Pele blows—it was a good life.

We’re preoccupied today with simply living for as long as possible and using medical interventions to try to prove to tue world that we’re resisting the inevitable biological aging process. Our whole modern world is in denial about the inevitable. It’s really very strange.

Completely agree r26. Being happy is a choice.

Some people will manage to find happiness even in struggle, some people will always find something to wallow in self pity about.

R21 thank you for the words of wisdom. The part about constantly vacillating between loving it here and desperately wanting to leave is so, so true.

And one thing nobody warned me about was the sheer number of homeless people here. Has this always been a problem, or is this a recent development?

I think that you all are missing the op's point.

Because Honolulu SUCKS.

They probably thought that they were going to go live in "paradise," when it's anything BUT.

Moving is expensive, so whatever it took to get there, it's going to take that much money or more, to move back.

Good luck getting out of there, op.

I was there from the late 80s through the 90s. Homelessness is a terrible issue.

Shortly after I first arrived there was an investigation into mainland cities who put many homeless on planes to Honolulu with a one-way ticket.

Out of sight, out of mind I guess.

Leave Oahu and go to another Island.

Did you visit Vincent Price's cave?

We had friends who moved to Maui and moved back within a year. $20k to ship their cars and possessions each way. They felt the locals were openly hostile to newcomers.

You're stuck on a tiny island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, and a minimum distance of 2500 from any other large land mass.

You should have thought about that before moving, Einstein.

Even if you wanted to leave, you can't. It's AT LEAST five hours travel time from Hawaii, to anywhere else in the world. Including the U.S.

That alone, would make me not want to move there.

Then there's the heat and humidity...

[quote]Leave Oahu and go to another Island.

And compound your problems by at least a factor of 10.

Oh, and OP - it doesn't have to be someone's sister. A brother will do quite nicely. And no need for marriage actually, relationship with a local is key. The family will help you with a job and housing.

And make sure you buy your xmas tree the weekend after Thanksgiving or you will likely not find one.

If I had to be homeless, living outdoors 365 days a year...Honolulu is the only place I’ve ever been where the climate makes that sound bearable.

Agree r37. Being stuck on some isolated island is not my idea of a paradise.

My way of thinking is that no "paradise" is worth living in full time. Once you move full time to what is considered a paradise it starts to lose its appeal within a very short time and becomes just another place with all the same problems (and some times more) you'd have in any other locale. Paradises are made for visiting for short periods and then leaving to return to reality. A lot of anything great always ends up being too much at some point.

I live on Key West and it sounds remarkably similar although we are connected to the mainland by the overseas highway that travels up the keys. But cost of living, housing, etc are very similar.

This sounds like all the earnest MORONS wanting to move to Oaxaca. A nice place to visit . . .

For the people here who have lived here, tell me if I'm crazy or if you've noticed the same things:

All service here feels damn SLOW. A line—whether it's at Safeway, Walmart, McDonald's, etc.—that would take you 5 minutes to get through in the mainland takes about 15 minutes here. I don't know if it's the laid-back island vibe carrying over to the service workers, or what.

I also can't help but feel like a lot of the store associates here are pretty lazy and unhelpful as well.

For example, during my first week here I was at Walmart to buy necessities and there were two female store associates just standing around talking.

I asked one of them where to find a certain item and she simply said "In the office aisle," pointed and then immediately returned back to her conversation. Back home, whenever you ask a store associate where to find something, they would have you follow them and actually lead you to it.

R44 If you didn’t want to deal with a non-urban, American-style culture, you should not have moved to a tropical island. Even if it’s technically American because we colonized it against the people’s will, the people are Polynesian and they live on island time. Because they live on a fucking island.

Did you even visit before you moved there? I was in Honolulu for one week of my life and it was plainly obvious that the cultural dynamics and the pace of life are not in any way similar to that of cosmopolitan U.S. cities. If it were like NYC or LA or DC or Miami there, people wouldn’t go there to relax.

[quote]For example, during my first week here I was at Walmart to buy necessities and there were two female store associates just standing around talking.

Are you sure you weren't in Cloud 9?

Went there 30 years ago. It was like Oakland with a beach.

[quote]Because they live on a fucking island.

So do people in Manhattan.

R49 That’s just fucking stupid. Yes, dear, Manhattan is geographically an island. Connected to surrounding areas with highway bridges and tunnels. Hawaiian islands are remote and desolate—true islands, not connected by manmade bridges—and whether one goes to Caribbean islands, Indonesia or Iceland, you know exactly what “island pace” means. People in remote, isolated areas live at a different pace of life than those in busy continental cities.

[quote] I asked one of them where to find a certain item and she simply said "In the office aisle," pointed and then immediately returned back to her conversation. Back home, whenever you ask a store associate where to find something, they would have you follow them and actually lead you to it.

That's SOP at any Walmart in any city. Their employees are the worst trained, most unhelpful creatures on the planet. Half they time they act like you've pissed them off by asking them to help you.

You go, r50. Go gaysplain it to these morons.

Suddenly Scranton isn’t sounding so bad.

Scranton is the Honolulu of Pennsylvania.

I worked for Norwegian Cruise Lines in Hawaii back in 2006-2007. We lived and worked on the ship but got to explore the islands on off times. My favorite was Maui (Little Beach - gay friendly and nude!) I also enjoyed Kauai and parts of the Bug Island (Kona and Hilo) Never really got the appeal of Honolulu (too touristy) but liked the North Shore of Oahu (buff surfer boys catching waves!) I thought about living there when my contact was over but rent was ridiculous.

Your post at r44 does make it seem you didn't bother to learn the first thing about Hawaii before moving there. Complaining that everything is slower paced there is like...duh, that's the whole "island time" stereotype. Hawaii 101 stuff.

OP can't you meet a hot hunky Hawaiian to either date or be fwb with?

how old are you and what's your level of attractiveness?

Oh no! Did you post that you were moving before you did? If so, I remember your posts. I'm the one who mentioned their partner having a brother who grifts around the main island and how seedy it all seemed. I was really hoping it wouldn't suck for you.

R57 I'm 28 and average

If you suffer from PTSD, or you are a nervous wreck, go live in Hawaii. If not, then don't. It's the best vacation I ever had. I was there for two full weeks, because why fly for 13 hours and stay for five days, right? And it was fun and interesting, and lovely and their weather is perfect. They have tradewinds so it never gets too humid. We're not talking about the Caribbean, we're talking about the South Pacific. It's breezy and lovely.

The only bad weather, is the rains that come in December. When it rains there, it really rains. Flash floods, mudslides, etc. Sheets and sheets of rain and it lasts for days. But aside from the rainy season, it is a place of gorgeous, almost unreal beauty. After two weeks If elt the stress and tension literally fall away. I Felt renewed. But I could never live there. Ever.

Maybe it's because once you live there it's no longer a vacation so it's not as special when you have the day to day grind.

Paul Theroux loved Hawaii when he first moved there, after traveling around the South Pacific (“The Happy Isles of Oceania”). By the time he left, years later, he hated it with a passion. He found it small-minded, petty, gratuitously nasty, and, well - insular.

All that being said, Paul Theroux is a bit of an ass himself.

I did part of my graduate work in Hawaii and found it to be not all that special.

My husband and I are planning to move to Maui next year. We have spent at least two months there (consecutively) for the past few years, and we have a number of local friends, so we think we know what we're getting into. Even so, it will be a leap of faith. Worst case, we are out closing costs, moving costs, etc. But that's life.

R48: That’s what I call a word portrait. Still laughing.

Tulsi Gabbard grew up in Hawaii—in a radically antigay cult. She maintains a radically isolationist Hawaiian attitude and she projects that onto all international relations. She thinks the United States should be a self-insulated island. I think her views probably represent much of Hawaii’s population. She’s also cultishly fanatical about the military, and I felt that vibe in Hawaii.

And if you’ve seen Lilo and Stitch, you might recall that Lilo’s older sister was always desperately struggling just to pay the rent, working an endless variety of service and tourism jobs that left her frustrated and pretending Aloha spirit to make a buck. It’s a cartoon, but it might be the most authentic Hawaiian portrait we’ve seen onscreen.

What are you talking about r68? Hawaii has a very pro-gay record. It repealed its sodomy laws in 1972. It started offering state government benefits to same sex couples in 1997. Its legislature passed same sex marriage before the Supreme Court made it the law of the land. Its passed many laws protecting the rights of LGBT people to the point that its the state with arguably the strongest legal protections for LGBT residents.

Tulsi Gabbard's antigay views in no way represent Hawaii at large.

R59 - you’re 28!!!! Damn boy you should be getting laid daily!!!! You have youth on your side - use it! I’m 49 and would fuck ANY 28 year old, just for the youth factor.

As a gay man who has spent many months in Hawaii, I can say without doubt that Hawaii is more gay-friendly than my home state (Texas). Not that that requires so much.

Do the locals have smaller endowments?

I live in Detroit, MI, bitch!

R63

Read his "fictional" memoir Mother Land, which shows he went from the frying pan into the fire leaving Hawaii for Cape Cod.

[quote] I’m 49 and would fuck ANY 28 year old, just for the youth factor.

The reverse is not true, though. A 28-year-old would not fuck ANY 49-year-old. OP is 28. He can probably fuck 49-year-olds in any damn city or town.

Have you gone to Don Ho’s grave site?

The one thing that truly impressed me when I visited Hawaii was going to the Pearl Harbor Memorial. I didn't expect it to affect me but it did. I think the Caribbean has better beaches. I did enjoy the plat lunches and street food around various beachareas. Also loved the local version of a coconut cake. Melt in your mouth delicious. Hate Hawaiian music piped in everywhere. Hawaii is lovely. I've been to Oahu of course, then Maui, and the big island of Hawaii. Visited the state twice. That was enough.

R77 I would almost go just to check out this said coconut cake!

I thought Erie was the Honolulu of Pennsylvania. It has a harbor, after all.

My Mother was doing the Pearl Harbor tour and fell asleep. My father wasn’t paying attention and came back to a few people trying to wake her up. She is a very deep sleeper and can fall asleep anywhere. My father was so humiliated, she still has not heard the last of her mistake. It’s more of a joke now...

Honolulu!

[quote] I’m 49 and would fuck ANY 28 year old, just for the youth factor.

That is really, really sad R70.

Your superficiality is beyond belief.

If you find it in yourself to do so, try to cut him some slack, R82

He's probably soooo horny after all the 28 year olds reject him.

R80 that's hilarious.

Honolulu is an awful place to live.

Crowded, expensive, and hot.

Theroux' description of Honolulu being "insular," was spot on.

The days just drift along....

You know, where ever you go you're still you. I have a close friend who was unhappy with the direction of their life. They had no love life, no significant person, etc. and they just hated where they were at this point in their lives. Serious mid-life crisis. So they moved to Manchester, UK. Yes. I asked why and he said they speak English and it was a chance to start a new life.

But this guy had issues. OK? He has no self awareness and he really needed to do some reflecting on what he did or did not do, what he needed to recognize about himself. He didn't do that. So he went to Manchester. He has been there for four years. He is depressed and miserable. Trouble making new friends, not dating, no fun social life, etc. And he now hates his job. Just like he hated his job in Chicago.

He wants to come home. He's talking about moving to NYC. But no matter where he goes he will still be himself with all the history and the baggage, bad habits and unattractive personality traits. Until he figures out what he needs to work on about himself he will always be miserable. My sister is a gypsy. She loves to move. And everywhere she goes she makes friends. No matter where you go on a vacation she knows someone who lives there who will show you around and make things fun for you. So think about why your miserable OP. Maybe it isn't all Hawaii's fault.

Every time I hear "Honolulu", I'm reminded of this and start laughing:

Miserable? Are you cracking up from having lack of shacking up?

R87, You said: “I’ll go to another country, go to another shore,

find another city better than this one.

Whatever I try to do is fated to turn out wrong

and my heart lies buried like something dead.

How long can I let my mind moulder in this place?

Wherever I turn, wherever I look,

I see the black ruins of my life, here,

where I’ve spent so many years, wasted them, destroyed them totally.”

You won’t find a new country, won’t find another shore.

This city will always pursue you.

You’ll walk the same streets, grow old

in the same neighborhoods, turn gray in these same houses.

You’ll always end up in this city. Don’t hope for things elsewhere:

there’s no ship for you, there’s no road.

Now that you’ve wasted your life here, in this small corner,

you’ve destroyed it everywhere in the world.

R90 I said no such thing. What a bleak interpretation. What I meant was that sometimes we gor for the external environment to "fix" things that can only be fixed through self examination. Look. I left my home town to relocate in another part of the country several years ago. But I had to recognize some things about myself, and open up and become more flexible and more attentive, etc. Self awareness is important. Personal growth and self improvement are important. I'm happier, and calmer, and more open now than I ever was before. Some of it comes with age, but some of it comes of making an effort.

OMG, R91, that was a famous poem. What a strange reaction!

I know but it is still a very bleak interpretation of what I meant.

Reminds me of a scene from the 7 Faces of Dr Lao-

Apollonius: Tomorrow will be like today, and the day after tomorrow will be like the day before yesterday. I see your remaining days as a tedious collection of hours full of useless vanities. You will think no new thoughts. You will forget what little you have known. Older you will become, but not wiser. Stiffer, but not more dignified. Childless you are, and childless you will remain. Of that suppleness you once commanded in your youth, of that strange simplicity which once attracted men to you, neither endures, nor shall you recapture them. Mrs. Cassin: You're a mean, ugly man! Apollonius: Mirrors are often ugly and mean. When you die, you will be buried and forgotten, and that is all. And for all the good or evil, creation or destruction, your living might have accomplished, you might just as well never have lived at all.

I wasn't at all trying to interpret your meaning, R93. I was adding my own 2 cents to it.

Just eat a Spam musubi and you feel right as rain. You'll be filled with the aloha spirit.

If that doesn't work get a Chicken Katsu plate lunch from L&L.

Here's the Chicken Katsu

You people have no idea how horrible Honolulu truly is.

I spent five months there, and it's HOT. It's dirty. The traffic will drive you insane. The prices will shock the fuck out of you. The people are stupid, provincial, and insular.

You are so far away from EVERYTHING. Even if you wanted to escape, you probably could not.

AVOID HONOLULU AT ALL COST. It is not at all the "paradise" that it's made out to be.

R76 I don't know who Don Ho is, sorry.

I did visit Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's grave, however.

He was a true Hawaiian treasure. Too bad he had to abuse his body with food.

He looks like he ATE Chrissy Metz.

Are you not having a Hono-[italic]lulu[/italic] of a good time?

Honolulu is actually famously awful. All the buildings are made of concrete, and prices are insanely high.

Hawai'i is lovely to visit if you go to the island resorts (and each of the islands offers something different, even Oahu if you make it to the Other Side of the Island). But the bigger cities, Honolulu and Hilo, are not nice.

If you want to live in a tropical destination that is still part of the US, I'd suggest Key West.

It still has the warm weather and beaches, but you'll still feel like you're living in America.

Even Mexico is closer to the US than Hawaii, and the prices are cheaper and the people are nicer.

[quote]Even Mexico is closer to the US than Hawaii,

Mexico is literally across the street from the US. What a dumb statement.

What makes it even dumber is that Hawai'i IS the US. So Mexico cannot be closer to the US

[quote] Mexico is literally across the street from the US. What a dumb statement.

Not ALL of Mexico, you fucking cunt.

How about Cancun? Or Mexico City? Or Puerto Vallarta? Or Acapulco?

Not only that, it depends where you live in the US.

I don't get why some of you have to be such nasty and rude cunts, especially when you're not even smart about it.

Why don't you shut your fucking gash, you rancid TWAT??!!

Aww, someone's feelings were hurt. Hugely.

Haole Problems.

I'd rather be haole than a kānaka maoli.

How is the Spam Lite OP? Is it reduced sodium, or reduced fat AND sodium?

Fact : Israel Kamakawiwo'ole was the only non-politician allowed to lie in state at the State Capital.

Brada Iz! 🤙

r107, that was sure one queeny shit-fit!!

Hawaii is amazing; I’ll never understand those that say they can’t hang on an island because it’s claustrophobic when most of us will stay in our few neighborhoods in our big cities...

My husband desperately wants to move to Hawaii. He’s Filipino so the island life calls him I guess. Before we met he had a shit studio but it was along the Ala Wai Canal with a deck where he could put his orchids (so Asian) and was able to walk by the Aloha tower to work. Heaven to him.

If you’re like those fraucunts on HGTV that need your suburb of Cleveland single-family-home lifestyle (but with that “killer ocean view!”) you’ll be left wanting. If you enjoy local or Asian markets, Hawaiian culture, and island time, it’s great.

And whoever said Honolulu is HOT is an idiot. Hawaii weather is fucking perfect. If you want a HOT American island experience, try San Juan. Punishing.

Pacific Fleet: lots of sailors. Not so bad.

Does Tom Selleck ever make an appearance in Honolulu? What do the locals think of him?

[quote] My husband desperately wants to move to Hawaii. He’s Filipino so the island life calls him I guess

R114, why not the Philippines? I would think you could live like a king there as opposed to Hawaii.

HA! The philipinos are trying to escape from that hell hole, not move there!

Why do you think there are so many of them here in the US?

R118 they're so desperate to leave that they voluntarily allow themselves to be enslaved abroad as domestic workers. Sad.

I would gladly retire to the Philippines and live like a king but I’m not an elder gay yet. Hawaii is far better for weather and sanitation, obviously.

My husband is averse to the Philippines because of the healthcare. His medicines aren’t available there.