Let's Be A Hallmark Xmas Movie

Why not Hallmark Halloween, dear?

I’m the D-list has been actors and actresses.

Why bother, R1? This year's Hallmark will begin airing its Christmas movies on Oct. 25.

I'm Candice Cameron Bure, queen of Hallmark Christmas movies.

We're Luke Macfarlane and Jonathan Bennett. We're openly gay but always play straight characters in these movies, because gay people don't exist in the Hallmark universe.

I'm the plot which practically writes itself at this point.

I'm the small town with a nauseatingly twee, improbably Christmas-themed name: Christmas Cookie, Nutcracker, Holly Falls. The big city girl will realize she belonged here all along.

I'm the big city girl who recently broke up with her big city boyfriend and who returns to my hometown of Holly Falls to push some big commercial development that would change the character of the town forever. While there, she discovers that her high school sweetheart never left Holly Falls and is opposed to the development.

I'm the misunderstanding.

I'm the sassy black friend. I appear in the first ten minutes and then disappear.

I'm the small town girl who moved to the big city to pursue my dream job as a ________.

I return to my small home town to help my parents save their _______ business.

One of the first people I see is my old boyfriend who is now working as a _______.

We start to get along and pick up where we left off but we eventually have an argument over ______.

We'll reconcile after a wise older woman tells me _______.

We'll get back together and share a romantic kiss under the _______.

I'm Lori Loughlin. I have appeared in many Hallmark Christmas movies. Those days are over.

I’m a very hot guy and I’m settling for these below average women.

I'm the sophisticated gal on the go executive with a fancy pants office who has no time for love

I'm the graphic sleazy sex scene. Wait, what? Change the channel! CHANGE THE FUCKING CHANNEL NOW!

I'm James Franco. I appeared in this SNL video ridiculing Hallmark Xmas movies. But with the way my career is going, I'll probably end up starring in them in a year or two.

“A month or two”, r16

I'm the bell-ringing sidewalk Santa who, of course, is the real deal and who grants a wish for the heroine (probably Lacey Chabert) that makes her reevaluate her life and her priorities.

I’m the discrete vial of cocaine kept nearby for the addled leading lady who can’t believe her career has come to this.

Candace Cameron Bure is lucky her adult career came to anything at all, even if it's just lots of Hallmark movies.

I'm the Chinese factory producing hundreds of thousands of twinkle lights at precisely the right luminosity for Hallmark HD video production design.

I'm Vancouver, pretending to be New York City. My performance isn't very convincing.

I'm the '80s TV star in a cameo that will surprise and delight you!

I'm an old timey something or other.

I'm "Canadian handsome" actor Steve Lund. It wouldn't be Christmas without me starring in one or more Hallmark holiday movies.

I'm beautifully decorated Christmas store windows in the small town, which you would never see in real life.

I'm the gallons of semen.

I'm the presents wrapped with bows the heroine carries through the town square, so you know she's Christmas shopping.

I'm the light snowfall to make the scene where the heroine learns that true love has been at home along all the more picturesque.

I'm the token black character; usually appearing only in the first 15 minutes as the best friend of the main character before they leave the big city to return to their hometown.

I’m the darkness on the edge of town.

I'm a Christmas present in a box whose cover has been wrapped separately, with a bow stuck on top, so I can be opened by the heroine immediately without her having to tear at wrapping paper.

I'm a preposterous boutique concept. My physical form is small, 1 location in a small town, and contains thousands of twinkle lights plus holiday decor, crowding out the scant product for sale. My proprietor, a single woman in her late 20's, early 30's, owns and maintains a million dollar farmhouse on the profits from this boutique concept. Apparently there is a web business and I am going to be scaled up so my proprietor can live her dreams of entrepreneurial financial security, as the million dollar farm house is so working class.

I'm desperation. If THIS Christmas season isn't the most amazing ever, and the heroine doesn't find her love of small towns AND a husband, life for her will be over.

I am a photogenic caucasian!

[quote]I'm Vancouver, pretending to be New York City. My performance isn't very convincing.

But it's still better than the performances of the blocks of wood they cast as the leads.

Oooh, a Mad Lib! Here, R11, I filled in the blanks.

I'm the small town girl who moved to the big city to pursue my dream job as a hooker.

I return to my small home town to help my parents save their janitorial business.

One of the first people I see is my old boyfriend who is now working as a mail carrier.

We start to get along and pick up where we left off but we eventually have an argument over his smelly farts.

We'll reconcile after a wise older woman tells me that all men have smelly farts.

We'll get back together and share a romantic kiss under the Open sign at Cattle Bill's Western Saloon.

I'm the over the top Christmas garlands, lights, and decor that you see fucking everywhere in town. They even decorate the out houses.

I’m the gazebo in the park in the center of town, decorated with garland and Christmas light.

I'm Cody, the dark-haired, handsome marine that Our Girl butt heads with at the beginning of the film, and ends up with at the end.

I'm method actor Luke Macfarlane, closing my eyes and thinking of Jonathan Groff, or anybody else.

I'm the high-powered, well-paying, glamorous city job that just doesn't compare to watching the apple pie contest in the town square

Luke trains at my gym. He looks soooooo good sweaty.

I'm a scene from the new Hallmark Christmas After Dark movie, "Christmas Without My Clothes."

If only.

I’m the chunky cardigan that serves as outerwear when our heroine is running errands in town. I am accompanied by a matching tam o’shanter when it fake-snows.

I am paired with diarrhea-brown boots and skinny jeans.

I’m the chirpy child actor who encourages my dad to woo the heroine. I have absolutely no resentment toward this slutty interloper who’s trying to replace my dead mother.

I'm the bakery/coffee shop/diner owned by the heroine. I'm not doing very well. Perhaps she should think about opening me during evenings and weekends to bring in some more revenue? Just a thought.

I'm the flat cinematography and bad audio. But what does it matter? People are gonna watch.

I'm the town festival which is so jam packed with just about everything it looks as though the budget was 1 million.

I'm the nondescript townspeople who seem to all be terrible actors even though all they do is applaud.

I'm the Doris Roberts-wannabe who runs the town bookstore or gift shop who always has wonderful advice to give to our NYC gal who doesn't take the advice. By movies end, NYC gal realizes that DR-wb was right all along.

We're the precocious kids who convince our single mother/father that the man/woman they're engaged to is all wrong and they should go after the man/woman they loved years before.

Isn’t that all of them, OP?

I'm one of the requisite occupations the heroine could have: a party/wedding planner, an antique shop/bookshop owner, a baker, or an interior designer. Nothing else can be tolerated as unbefitting of a Hallmark-watching frau's perfect McLife.

I am also a local bookshop which can only be saved if our heroine wins the town's Christmas tree decorating contest.

I’m the controversial remix of the usual plot.

The leading lady is a down home baker, florist bookstore owner, veterinarian or popular local sheriff and her love interest is a businessman/lawyer who has come to town to build a bridge connecting the bucolic small town to the projects.

I'm the slurpy white snow that has been sprayed on the bushes and a bit of the grass, because it's filmed in July.

I'm the mug cradling.

I'm the Christmas miracle!

I'm the really bad chemistry between the leads. Maybe because of the wooden acting that sounds like they are reading off of prompters.

I'm the dead wife of the lead's love interest, because they need the guy to have a kid but divorce suggests 'baggage' and you don't 'go there' in these kinds of movies.

I'm the main street area/town square set, if I look familiar it's because I'm used in EVERY SINGLE ONE of these movies...and also Gilmore Girls

[quote]I'm the Doris Roberts-wannabe who runs the town bookstore or gift shop who always has wonderful advice to give to our NYC gal who doesn't take the advice.

I'm the actual Doris Roberts, who played an angel-come-to-Earth in two Hallmark Christmas movies, "Mrs. Miracle" and "Call Me Mrs. Miracle." I won't be making any more Hallmark movies because I'm an actual angel now, but I'm not coming back to Earth, let alone Vancouver.

I'm the elaborate Christmas decorations all over the town square, which are stolen by the Section 8 housing residents from the next town over.

I'm my mother-in-law who fills my entire dvr cache with this dreck every time she comes to visit

I'm Lori Loughlin, still waiting for a call from Hallmark.

I'm the masquerading-as-his-equerry prince of a small ambiguously northern European country, whom the attractive new low-level diplomat doesn't recognize.

[quote]I'm Lori Loughlin, still waiting for a call from Hallmark.

I'm hell, Lori, and I will not be freezing over.

[quote]I'm Lori Loughlin, still waiting for a call from Hallmark.

Those days are over, honey. Now bring that sweet pussy over her.

I'm the crack pipe the mother of the 15 year old female lead found in her personal girlie things bag.

I'm the stuffy royal family who need to loosen up and learn to dance and high five thanks to a spunky American nanny!

I'm Danica McKellar, and I played that spunky American nanny!

I'm the go-getter who uses subterfuge coupled with uncanny coincidences to worm my way into the life of the handsome and successful male lead. I'll prove my worth but not before falling in love. Everything will work out in the end and no one will mind my lies and impersonations.

I'm the 34 year old actress cast to play the mother of the 40 year old lead. I'll spend a couple of hours in the make up chair to look older than her. She'll spend several hours in the make up chair to look younger than me.

I am a takeaway coffee cup held by mittened hands.

I'm the mug. I am being cradled.

We're the Jewish writers and producers.

It's me again, Lori Loughlin. I think it's terrible that Hallmark never even sent me a card to tell me that my services were no longer needed.

How rude of them Aunt Becky

I’m Jada Pinkett Smith demanding that someone produce Kwanzaa in Kansas.

I'm the town's Jews, wanting to find out with the heroine the real meaning of Hanukah.

JUST KIDDING! According to Hallmark, we don't exist! And neither does Hanukah!

I'm Matt Bomer, watching this in horror, realizing this is my future.

[quote]JUST KIDDING! According to Hallmark, we don't exist! And neither does Hanukah!

Praise Jesus!

I'm one starring Lori Laughlin.

Oops. Not anymore.

I’m the Lori joke in this thread, deader than her career.

I'm the bake off contest which is apparently the biggest thing the town has to offer and everybody attends.

And I'm the town Christmas cookie contest, which may sound charming and friendly but which is actually extremely cutthroat and involves more intrigue than most movies about World War II.

I'm the breath you can't see because the movie was filmed in the summer.

I'm the career woman who's been so darned busy at work I haven't bothered to take the time and fall in love - until I'm sent on that special Christmas assignment in some podunk country town where folks know what's truly important.

I'm the heroine's mother who wears reading glasses (to indicate wisdom) and festive but unremarkable Christmas sweaters. I tell my daughter to follow her heart.

I'm the large beautiful and tastefully decorated homes everyone in town lives in. Nobody seems to work, how the hell can they afford me?

I'm the one and only town homeless person who puts some quarters into the parking meter that our Heroine's car is parked at just before the meter maid arrives. Our heroine is shocked by this move and his eyes twinkle as he tells her TO BELIEVE!

[quote]I'm the large beautiful and tastefully decorated homes everyone in town lives in. Nobody seems to work, how the hell can they afford me?

Discreet whoring. Outcalls only.

I’m the set decorator who’s going nuts because the fake snow won’t clump properly.

Its foam

My mother wants to set me up with the son of her best friend but I’ve got my eye on a bad boy. Guess what? They’re brothers!

I’m the hot guy with a really great penis that isn’t getting any action from this homely woman. I’ve had to resort using Grindr in the alley to get some action from one of you data lounge boys. Sorry I had to charge it but it is Grindr. But I hope the twinkle lights in the mistletoe helped while you did your job.

My name is Blossom, I look like a foot. I wear a hat because I’m QUIRKY! I sit in trees and write poetry. For some reason*, the architect, the fireman & the lumberjack are fighting over me.

I'm the chaste heroine, and I will remain chaste even after meeting my dream man at Christmas. Like gay people, sex really doesn't exist in the Hallmark universe.

I’m the Valentine’s Day movie teasers that will air during the commercial breaks.

Substitute wine for the eggnog and red roses for the mistletoe, and voila!

I'm Halloween. This year, Hallmark's "Countdown to Christmas" will begin before I've even happened.

Lifetime is starting their Xmas movies early, too

I’m the sound of sleigh bells used in each scene transition.

I'm the future superfund sites that are the small town film locations, after Hallmark leaves behind tons of plastic toxic decor and chemical snow.

I'm the middle aged woman acting like a silly teenager. It's not a good look.

I'm the wise grandmother who usually dies after imparting some wisdom to the leading lady about the true meaning of love and life.

I'm the letter that arrives just in time to convince the heroine to stay and confess her love for the leading man.

We're the bedbugs at Ye Oldy Worldy Inn and Tavern.

I am Stepford, CT. Every single town in these goddamn movies tries to be me and fails.

I’m the struggling Canadian actor living in the U.S.. This week I’m in Vancouver to shoot a Hallmark that even my friends won’t watch. It pays the cable bill. With any luck, I’ll get the token part Alan Thicke always got.

I'm the credulity that gets stretched to the breaking point and the bizarre contrivances whenever the plot involves Santa.

I’m the wide-eyed expression of joy on the children’s faces as a shadow of the Christmas Moose crosses the screen.

^that’s how they avoid paying royalties. Scum bags. I almost lost my SAG card.

I'm the perfectly nice but ordinary-looking heroine who snags hunky firefighter, Brandon Routh, who honestly seems more into his cat than me.

I'm male. I'm heterosexual. I'm hot. I'm unmarried or my wife died. I'm without a girlfriend. I'm in my early 30s.

I have a young son. I'm the Town Chief of Firefighters and Police.

I'm available for a romance (which, of course, starts acrimoniously) with the New York City, high-powered female executive who is stranded in my small town at Christmas.

Because, miraculously, all of the local, single, heterosexual, would-be Fraus, except my villainess, ex-high school girlfriend, have turned their nose up at me.

I'm a gay man. Just kidding. I don't exist in these things

We're the Jews, who have all been ethnically cleansed from these lily-white, small-town Christmas paradises.

I'm the girl who comes back to my small town to help my parents with their struggling farm. For some reason I have to tell all the experienced farmhands who have been here for years what to do because apparently they have no idea how to do their jobs or how to react in an emergency.

that's because you learn so much in the big city. but the biggest lesson is that real happiness and fulfillment can only be found in a small tow n

I'm homosexualist Jonathan Bennett, trying my best to butch it up in a Hallmark Christmas movie.

I'm Friday, Oct. 25, when Hallmark will being airing all of its new (and old) Christmas movies 24/7 until after New Year's Day.

I'm actors you've never heard of, with good hair.

I'm a Christmas miracle, which are a dime a dozen in these movies.

I'm Shelley Long, playing the heroine's mother in "A Holiday Engagement" and wondering what could have possibly happened to a career that once showed so much promise.

I'm the last part of FUNNY FARM (1988), which these movies always make me think of.

They should do a Troop Beverly Hills remake/sequel with Shelley Long as Velda.

OT: How many of these do you think Tori Spelling is offered every year?

I’m Meghan Markle’s new lifetime Christmas movie entitled ‘Christmas Balls Come In Many Different Packages’. It’s a delightful show filled with love and dysfunctional family relationships. Will Meghan have the balls to stand up to her dysfunctional family? Watch tonight and find out.

I'm the one Hallmark Christmas movie per year staring African American leads, even though there will be precious few African Americans in the viewing audience. It's strictly a feel-good, white people thing.

I'm the production company's note to the set and lighting designers to evoke a Thomas Kinkade, Painter of Light® Christmas scene as much as possible.

I'm the hunky canadian actor playing the pussy whipped idiot.

We are the drugs, alcohol, sex toys and hookers available on demand on the sets during the making of these movies. We are the only way that the cast and crew can get through the shit fest.

You guys are so amazing and witty. I wonder what happens to you guys on political thread? how come you guys become so dumb and stupid on those threads?

I'm the obviously gay leading man, acting my ass off trying to pretend I really want to stick my dick in Kellie Martin.

I’m Mark Steines making a lifetime comeback in a movie entitled, ‘Mommy Who’s Daddy’s Special friend: Christmas Day reveals a Daddy’s secret.’ Stay tuned for Mark introducing Roy to his children.

The Hallmark movie I acted in (from last year) is airing seven more times this year...and counting!

I actually tune in and watch it with great enjoyment from time to time!

^Admin! self-promotion!

Look up R135 on IMDB:

Humble B. Raggart.

What did you play, R135? A reindeer? A block of wood for the fireplace?

I love those feel good, wholesome family oriented movies at Christmas. People should be watching more movies like that not movies filled with grotesque violence and sex.

I'm the phrase "we've got a match on the semen found inside the victim. It's Santa Claus."

Oh wait, that's not a Hallmark Christmas movie, that's a Discovery ID Christmas movie.

Dig the Victorian school marm at r139

I'm the small town proctologist. I dont exist.

I'm the heroine's cranky boss who is fed up with Christmas, avoiding it by flying to the Bahamas for the holidays. When only the heroine stops to wish me "Bon Voyage" and "Merry Christmas," my eyes mist over. You don't see me again until after the final commercial break when I burst in to the heroine's home uninvited and stand next her signing a Christmas Carol.

Our eyes meet meaningfully...leading shipper fraus to wonder abt our relationship prospects and prompting a sequel for next year.

"Countdown" to Christmas kicks off in less than an hour. I can feel the love already.

My friend was a lead in one of these movies, last time I saw him he had extremely rapid speech and was skittish. I think something bad happened during production.

Having to feign passion for Jodie Sweeten will do that do you

I'm the town ice rink in which our heroine will fall flat on her ass so the poor but handsome and humble man can help her up and gaze into her eyes and suddenly fall in love!

I’m the Christmas wishes movie that has been banished to lesser channels, along with “Holidays in Handcuffs” starring Melissa Joan Hart.

Washed up actresses used to do women in danger movies on Lifetime when their careers died. Now, they do corny, rinse and repeat Christmas movies.

I'm Jennifer Garner, and these shit Hallmark movies are where my career would be right now if I hadn't hooked up with Ben Affleck.

We're the declarations of love and marriage proposals that happen within days of meeting each other, or even sleeping together.

I'm "While You Were Sleeping". I am what Hallmark movies aspire to be like.

I enjoyed, “While You Were Sleeping”. That actor was everywhere for a few years. But I haven’t seen him in recent years, anywhere at all.

I'm the "Stand Up and Fight for Him!" speech that Sassy Black Friend gives to Blonde Heroine when Evil Brunette tries to take Hunk away from her.

[quote]We're the declarations of love and marriage proposals that happen within days of meeting each other, or even sleeping together.

Sleeping together in a Hallmark Christmas movie? I think not. You must be watching Lifetime.

I’m the 6 tons of plastic snow they had to ship in to Vancouver because this film was made in 80 degree weather last summer.

I'm the exasperated dog who will appear at the end of every single trailer for one of those, either with a pair of fake antlers or wearing a Santa hat.

I'm the nauseatingly precocious children who populate these movies.

[quote]What did you play, [R135]? A reindeer? A block of wood for the fireplace?

A TRANS snowperson!

I'm the moral of the story: It's All About Family.

I'm the small-town values that exemplify the spirit of Christmas and that are sorely lacking in the big city where our heroine is looking in vain for a fulfilling life. She will realize the folly of her ways just in time for Christmas Eve, as snow begins to fall.

Are there ever any gays, picturesque or otherwise, in these movies?

Are there ever any gays, picturesque or otherwise, in these movies?

I am all the beautifully wrapped presents, under the fake Christmas tree, with Jack Shit in them.

[quote]Are there ever any gays, picturesque or otherwise, in these movies?

Only some gay actors, like Luke Macfarlane and Jonathan Bennett, playing straight characters. Are there any gay characters? Never. Not a one to be found.

I’m White Diamonds. Why I’m not in the picture about Christmas, nor the advertisements, I’ll never know.

[quote] r133 I'm the obviously gay leading man, acting my ass off trying to pretend I really want to stick my dick in [bold]Kellie Martin.[/bold]

OMG, for a minute I thought you meant Kelli Williams!!

I was like, “Oh god, she’s not doing THOSE, is she???”

I'm the "what happens after" the final scene and the "happily ever after" image. I'm the scenes where the virginal heroine finds out that her handsome new husband had been single for years until she met him only because he is an obsessive stalker who gets violent even if she so much as looks at another man.

You can find me on the Lifetime channel. Look under "Woman in Peril" (or "Frau in Peril" for those of you using closed captioning and selecting DL as your language of choice).

I'm the fulfilling jobs all the people have.

Book store owner. Photographer. Gentleman farmer. Bake shop owner.

No one's ever a garbage man, or mechanic, or ditch digger, or minimum wage Walmart employee, or gas station attendant.

I have seen a mechanic in a Hallmark movie. Christmas or not, I'm not sure, but he towed the heroine's car. He was a widow with a precocious 6-year-old.

I’m the big city boss who is blowing up everyone’s outdated cell phones. This is the message I leave, “I don’t know where you are, but we need you for the Hart merger...this needs to be done by Christmas!”

I’m the Hotness.

When Claire (Erin Cahill) goes home to save her dad's (Gregory Harrison) annual Fall Fest on her family's pumpkin farm, sparks fly with an old rival - the opposing lawyer (Trevor Donovan) she now faces in court.

Gregory Harrison was also in the fireman Hallmark Christmas movie co-starring Brandon Routh and a cat that's pictured upthread. He still looks good for his age, and at least he's getting work somewhere.

It's great to see feel good movies with no violence or sex.

I just stumbled over this when I was researching the actors in the movie, “Time Lapse”, that I just watched. I was curious if they got more work. “Time Lapse” had a total of 7 actors, and there were only 3 central actors, so it had the feel of someone’s thesis project. It was pretty good, overall. Well done. I like that genre, anyway.

But the linked movie, featuring the actress from “Time Lapse”, made me laugh because it seemed to fit here.

^OMG, there’s a bake-off involved!

I’m the extramarital affair that occurs, after my costar and I spend six months shooting in Canada.

I don't get it. Why can't they film these movies in Jan, instead of June? They would save money on the fake snow, plus, whichever random Canuck town they chose would probably still have the holiday decoration on.

I'm the spirit of Christmas, solving everyone's 1st World Problems by the time the credits role.

(Don't ask me about the Kurds, I'm not in business for them, but give my Hallmark viewers a magical moment or two!)

[quote]r176 The linked movie made me laugh because it seemed to fit here.

And so it DOES!

[italic]"Joy Holbrook is a market researcher about to get a sweet promotion just in time for the holidays. But she receives an urgent phone call from home and rushes back to help her Aunt recover from surgery, reuniting with her former crush, Ben."

OMG, r181, you forgot the bake-off, the bake-off!

[italic] To keep her Aunt focused on healing, Joy volunteers to take Ruby's place with the town's legendary baking competition, the "Cookie Crawl," much to the amusement of Ben who knows Joy has absolutely no idea of the Herculean task before her. Though Joy initially refuses Ben's attempts to "co-captain," she begins to soften and let him in, all the while remembering that there truly is no place like home. [/italic]

Hallmark's Countdown to Christmas actually starts tonight, girls.

Do any of these TV movies feature middle aged or older actors? That would make it kind of more poignant (?)

[italic]"Joe, a recent widower who's recently lost his fly fishing business to a big corporation, returns to his hometown of Bristle Creek. There he reunites with Miriam, a childhood sweetheart working as a librarian. Together they decide to re-open the defunct bait shop where they first met: The Bristling Rod."[/italic] (Christmas lights twinkle in the background, of course.) (Maybe Miriam is in charge of directing the local Nativity play, full of unruly kids.)

Oh! Oh! Maybe the local actors playing Joseph and Mary are delayed on the big night, and Joe and Miriam have to fill in?? (just trying to work in the Xmas theme)

I'm the crane shot in the opening scene.

I’m the condor that the location manager had to pay $4,000 to be placed on a cranky old man’s property.

I'm the shot of a city skyline that opens the movie.

[quote]Hallmark's Countdown to Christmas actually starts tonight, girls.

It started yesterday with previously seen movies, but tonight is when the first new movie is being aired, if you can call any of these movies "new."

Matt Davis is in one of these? He's hot

I'm DL Fave Andrew W. Walker's pecs.

You won't see me on Hallmark, though, just Andrew's handsome face and fully-clothed body.

Lifetime shows me, though.

Andrew W. Walker's beautiful body is always draped in flannel shirts or wool sweaters on Hallmark!

I'm the FIRST NEW HOLIDAY MOVIE OF THE YEAR!

And I'm on RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!

I'm the perky, supportive friend who just won't let the heroine be down on Christmas Eve. "Forget about the jerk! It's still Christmas, and I've made a NATIVITY-THEMED CHEESEBALL! Christmas Carol -aoke starts in 10, can't miss!" (Side Note: I used to work at Hallmark and dressed as an American Girl ornament each Christmas)

I see that the first new holiday movie of the year at R192 includes a tree-lighting ceremony! I certainly hope there was a community bake-off to go with it!

There's a gingerbread contest in this movie. LOL.

[quote]When Claire (Erin Cahill) goes home to save her dad's (Gregory Harrison) annual Fall Fest on her family's pumpkin farm...

I KNOW Erin Cahill, I've WORKED with Erin Cahill, and you, r173, are NO ERIN CAHILL!

I'm Hallmark Christmas movie mainstay Steve Lund, in a scene that's clearly not from a Hallmark Christmas movie.

I just watched the lead actor in Urban Legends: Final Cut yesterday and here he is in a Hallmark movie. IDK if this is better or worse.

I'm guessing that Urban Legends: Final Cut doesn't include tree-lighting ceremonies or community Christmas cookie bake-offs.

In more bake-off news, here's what's on tomorrow at 8 a.m. Eastern time.

A COOKIE CUTTER CHRISTMAS: Two longtime rivals and elementary school teachers duke it out during the holidays in a Christmas cookie bake-off, but their real feud ignites over a shared interest in a handsome single dad.

Watching Christmas Wishes and Mistletoe Kisses

All the men in leading and supporting roles are gay gay gay.

The only good things about these movies are that many of the actors are hot, and ping

Having worked on a few elementary school campuses, I have seen r200 happening in a very non-Hallmark manner.

I'm me. I watched "Christmas Wishes and Mistletoe Kisses."

I liked it.

There's a certain McDonald's-like genius to these movies. You know what flavor you want when you order McDonald's and you get it.

I thought R200 was making that movie up, but strolling through the channel guide I see that it's real. LOL

I'm Broadway singer and actor Kyle Dean Massey, the latest homosexualist to join fellow gays Luke Mcfarlane and Jonathan Bennett in playing a straight romantic lead in a Hallmark Christmas movie:

"A Merry Christmas Match (Hallmark Movies & Mysteries, October 25 at 9 p.m.): In the first all-new original holiday movie of the 2019 season, Kyle Dean Massey (of having-played-both-Pippin-and-Fiyero-on-Broadway fame) sweeps antique-shop worker Corey (Ashley Newbrough) off her feet."

This queen is playing heterosexual???

^^Stepfanie Kramer (from "Hunter" in the 80s) is in that one.

I'm donning my gay apparel in breathless anticipation!

The biggest fantasy element are the neurotic heroines who are anxious and sarcastic and mildly mean to the potential love interest for the first half of the show, while he chuckles and doesn't mind at all. Total doormats.

^^There's one on right now that fits this description perfectly, starring Hallmark Christmas movie queen Candace Cameron Bure:

A CHRISTMAS DETOUR: Two travelers find themselves linked during a snowstorm. Paige, needs to find a way to the city to meet her fiance's parents and it's up to a guy she can't stand, Dylan, to get her there. Stars Candace Cameron Bure, Paul Greene.

I'm Candace Cameron Bure's "no Jews" stipulation in her contract.

I'm the saddest thing about these movies - they're about the Christmas spirit, but are too cheap to afford any decent Christmas music. That's a disaster for people who believe music is what sets this holiday apart from the others.

Candace is really good in these movies.

[quote] A CHRISTMAS DETOUR: Two travelers find themselves linked during a snowstorm. Paige, needs to find a way to the city to meet her fiance's parents and it's up to a guy she can't stand, Dylan, to get her there. Stars Candace Cameron Bure, Paul Greene.

I liked it better when it was called "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles."

I'm the neurodiverse frau viewing public who have already put their christmas trees up.

These movies remind me of a simpler time when Christmas wasn't so commercialized and we appreciated the true meaning of the season.

[quote]Candace is really good in these movies.

Hey! I've starred in a couple of these movies too!

^^also of "Full House"

....

[quote]These movies remind me of a simpler time when Christmas wasn't so commercialized and we appreciated the true meaning of the season.

Have you ever noticed all the product placement cluttering these movies? Hallmark ornaments, decorations, cards and other gewgaws are everywhere.

I'm the historical Christmas movie, a sort of Little House–style triumph over deprivation, disease, and meager hygiene products.

I'm the Yankee candle advert during each commercial break.

They don’t have “adverts” on the Hallmark Channel, [R223] They have advertisements.

I'm the perfect everything--bodies, teeth, hair, clothes, decorations, children, food, come backs and ending. I represent the life you wish you had.

I’m an oak bed with a quilt and plaid pillows.

I'm Hallmark fave Candace Cameron-Bure, playing identical twins in "Switched for Christmas." Even I can't tell my two characters apart.

This evening:

CROWN FOR CHRISTMAS: After getting fired from her job, Allie (Hallmark favorite Danica McKellar) accepts a temp job as governess to Princess Theodora. A spark forms between Allie and Theodora's father Maximillion, the King of Winshire.

This doesn't sound at all contrived! I wonder how it will end . . .

Most royal families hire random women as governesses!

Why is it that the guy has children in these movies and not the women

I am colored Christmas lights. I never appear.

R230

And they are widowers, never divorced.

No single mums. They are sluts.

I'm the MIA soldier dad who appears at the end of the movie. It's a Christmas miracle!

I’m the wimpy guy with the plain Jane wife who drunkenly reunites with his HS ex at the town bar the night before Thanksgiving.

I’m the mixed DNA found on Joy’s joystick discovered by disgusted airport workers on her way back to Mt Hope.

She wasn’t back home on Snowglobe Lane for 2 hours before she frantically realized it would indeed be a cold & frigid holiday.

Luckily, on Christmas 🎄 Eve, a call comes in that they can’t trace the said Joy-stick, as there were multiple, multiple “donors”.

I’m the fraus who look up to the sky with wonderment when snow starts falling. I’ve lived here all of my life, but act like I’ve never seen snow before and look at it as if it’s magical and something amazing to behold.

I'm the glamorous job in some fast-paced metropolitan location that will be given up so the heroine can return to her podunk hometown to run a wooden toy shop.

The heroine can't possibly work a CITY job and have time for things that really mean something, like Christmas Fest, Gingerbread bake-off, Bachelor bake-off, Fall fest, Cookie carousel, and Pumpkin pie parade!!

When the glorious snow does fall, the sky is not overcast and leaden, thick with clouds, but a clear glossy black showing off the Milky Way.

I'm the equally ignorant and awful frau films on Netflix like the latest one with Kristin Davis and Rob Lowe, which seems like a culturally tone-deaf Hallmark movie wannabe. Instead of calling it "Christmas in Africa", they might as well call it "I Can't Believe It's Not A Hallmark Movie".

Disclaimer: OK, I haven't actually watched the awful looking movie on Netflix, but it seems so retro in a bad way and the trailer made it look like yet another piece of "privileged white people with First World problems go to Africa/India/Japan to discover love and the meaning of life" bullshit.

I'm the room full of unattractive, overweight actors who never get cast in any Hallmark Movie.

Movies are and have always been fantasies, not jobs programs for the hard-to-look-at!

I'm the friend zone and I'm populated by men who love the heroine so much, that they accept her rejection after declaring their love for her and then proceed do everything they can to help her land the man of her dreams.

I'm the giant plastic canister of Folger's coffee. I am in every kitchen, from humble apartments to palaces, and I will make at least one appearance in every movie.

I'm the gazebo in the rural town square. I'm the scene where the leads bake cookies and/or trim the tree. I'm the Christmas pageant/parade/talent show/jubilee/scavenger hunt/dance that seems to have an unlimited budget despite existing in a tiny town with 400 residents max.

I'm the shallow, status-seeking fiance of our heroine, who will dump me at the end of the movie after she meets the man she realizes she was meant to be with, a small-town guy who understands and appreciates the true meaning of Christmas.

I’m the bags and armfuls of professionally gift wrapped presents all the Frau carry around at the incredibly busy shopping mall.

I'm the green screen.

I'm the incredibly hot and hunky single guy who just can't seem to find a woman in the entire city. Thank God that big city girl moved to town so I can get married!

I'm Kellie Pickler. I used to be a singer. Now I'm starring in a Hallmark movie where a girl with a cornpone accent supposedly comes from Utah

We're the warmer regions of the Southern United States where it rarely or never snows. We don't exist in the Hallmark universe. Presumably no one celebrates Christmas in the states where it doesn't snow.

I’m Susan Oleson starring in A Very Trailer Park KKKhristmas , Hallmarks first foray into holiday movies aimed at Deplorable Frau.

Maureen McCormick and Florence Henderson both appeared in supporting roles in Hallmark Christmas movies in recent years, but not Susan, who would frighten the youngsters.

Midway, Utah is in contention with two other cities to be featured on Sterling Masters' Holiday Adventures. Heading up Midway's push to get the attention which would give a much needed boost to the local resort and recreation business industry is Aria (Kellie Pickler) whose family owns The Mistletoe Diner. As it turns out Sterling Masters is only the face of the show while his best friend Alex is the writer and heart of the show. . Alex comes to the Mistletoe Diner in advance to gather intel. He butts heads with Aria who is none too subtle about her idolization of Masters and is rubbed the wrong way by Alex's sarcastic remarks questioning Masters' dubious talents.

^^ I'm the subtle character names. Kellie Pickler sings in her movie at some point, and her character's name is Aria.

[quote]We're the warmer regions of the Southern United States where it rarely or never snows. We don't exist in the Hallmark universe. Presumably no one celebrates Christmas in the states where it doesn't snow.

Wrong. Every year a number of Christmas movies take place in Louisiana and even Mississippi.

Christmas at the Plaza

When historian Jessica is hired to create the Plaza's Christmas display, she finds more than facts while teaming up with handsome decorator Nick to bring the display to life.

********* Only in Hallmarkland would a male decorator be straight.

I'm a prince. You can't find my country on a map, but I'm the most desirable bachelor in the world. I can only fall in love with a regular, every day girl from America.

R252 does she wear her world famous “shitcurls”?

[quote] I'm Candace Cameron Bure's "no Jews" stipulation in her contract.

That might come as quite the shock to Bob Saget, who might qualify as the least funny Jew who ever lived if David Schwimmer had never been born.

[quote]I'm a prince. You can't find my country on a map, but I'm the most desirable bachelor in the world. I can only fall in love with a regular, every day girl from America. . . .

Who, of course, falls in love with me having no idea that I'm actually a prince.

I’m Kwanzaa. Don’t expect them to get around to me any time soon.

r262 That's OK -- Food Network has you covered.

I’m the late 90s/early 00s celebrity slumming in a cameo

I'm Netflix. Our Christmas movie production values are higher.

I'm Lifetime. I get actors you have actually hear of.

This Sunday on Hallmark, "Christmas at Dollywood," featuring Ms. Parton herself, along with Hallmark Christmas movie regular Danica McKellar.

[quote]I’m a very hot guy and I’m settling for these below average women.

(Because I know I can get some action from my buds, any time I want it.)

I'm the fact that nobody ever has to shovel snow, or clear it off their cars, or drive on it. Nobody ever skids or spins out. Black ice? Just a myth. Snow magically falls only on picturesque, convenient spots and never gets in the way.

I think this review sums up most of these movies quite nicely.

[quote] The thing is, though, that these movies are better as trailers than actual movies. Every scene in A Christmas Prince 3 that's not in the trailer feels like it was put there simply to pad out the empty space; every attempt at banter or jokes is partnered with a chuckle-heavy pause that drags for five seconds too long. It's remarkable that every scene is approximately one minute long, so, though it's around 90 minutes in total, by the end it feels like you've just watched a three-hour epic.

Sometimes I watch back & forth with true crime. And sometimes I watch back & forth with porn. But I would never, ever, watch un-ironically from start to finish.

unironically*

I'm Kristen Chenowith, slumming. I needed a paycheck to to afford the surgery to lower my hairline.

I'm the Warrant Officer Ripley, woman with a demanding job that consumes her life who journeys to a small, isolated moon LV-426. Along the way, I meet a rustic but caring single guy and a young girl looking for a mother figure. By the end of the movie we’ve formed a new family unit.

We’re Dolly Parton’s cinematic ventures throwing gay men the bones these ones don’t.

I'm the over decorated Christmas tree, looking like a Martha Stewart tree circa 1995. I become relevant when the heroine finally relents and allows some children to hang up home made ornaments, which look like something out of True Detective's Carcosa set.

Something is very wrong with Cathy and Mike or they would not have made mummified kitten garlands. The heroine notices, talks to them and resolves all their problems. During the credits we see Cathy and Mike making gingerbread men.

I’m Geri Jewell not getting asked to read for any part in a movie with the other [italic]Facts of Life[/italic] girls.