Have you ever known someone who committed suicide?

I knew someone with advanced AIDS, long term survivor, who did. It's obviously his choice and it was over a decade ago but when I think of it it still leaves me unsettled. I think the issue for me are that he had begun to have psychotic breaks, due he claimed to his medications and was increasingly isolated partly by his own choice. So I am not sure if he was in an appropriate mental state to make the decision. But he had a multitude of physical problems, losing his eyesight at the end, etc.

My childhood friend committed suicide on Facebook live stream in March. I witnessed this. I wasn't surprised because her life was all party on the outside, drama on the inside for years - since childhood. Only her bar friends were mystified. I am still working on processing what happened. Myself and our other childhood friends - I think are in shock and anger still.

This would be the 4th suicide of someone I knew, this one being the closest one, the only female and the only non Veteran. In all cases it seemed anger more than depression drove the act. My girl friend on live stream, a male I knew from work probably would have live streamed but it was before that option was available - instead he made a tape filled with hate and blame focused on his third x wife and proceeded to shoot himself in the heart.

Maybe I am just mad because of this recent thing, which actually hospitalized me with chest pain - but I think the world is a better place without manipulative drama by angry destructive people who will stop at nothing to punish others - because that is what these were - attempts to punish and make people who cared about them suffer.

My only sibling, five years older than me killed himself by shooting himself in the head when he was 30 years old. Despite growing up in the same house we were never really close, he seemed to resent me for even being born and had as little to do with me as he could except when he was making my life miserable and beating the crap out of me.

So when he killed himself, other than the shock of having a close relative doing that there really weren't too many feelings, but having a sibling kill themselves still has a major affect on you. He left two small children without a father which affected them negatively but it actually might have been a blessing to them because my brother was never a good provider. Social Security gave them a reliable income stream to support them until they were eighteen.

It made dealing with my parents deaths easier because everything was left up to me to handle without involvement from anyone else. He would have been useless except to cause problems anyway.

Yes.. former a coworker of mine killed herself last year. It still upsets me. She was fun to be around, and I miss her. She left 3 children behind. She had gotten divorced the year before, and that is what drove her to this. They had moved away... so I hadn’t spoken with her in about 2 years. I just don’t know how she got to where living no longer mattered

Yes, and no.

I love OP's image.

Yes, my father. I was 10 years old when it happened. Whatever understanding of relief in respect to his being out of pain I may have had at that young age and for years after, developed into anger. I came to realize as an adult that his death negatively impacted me in so many ways.

I'm sorry, r7.

I have known people who attempted suicide, committed suicide, and were murdered. The woman that was murdered wasnt super shocking because her husband was physically abusing her for years. It was still horrible when he shot her in the head and threw her off of a mountain. Most of the people that committed suicide or attempted had/have mental illness—either bpd or schizophrenia. The only guy that was a surprise was about 23 years old, had just graduated (barely) from college. He had really sever untreated ADHD and wasn’t intelligent at all, but was very nice. He once told me that his father had abused him. I can only think that he did it from inner demons that he didn’t show outwardly and not really having much purpose in life.

R2- Try to remember the pain they may have been in (And do I think there is a level of borderline personality/sociopathic behavior in MANY human beings, yes- and it seems to be what you are describing in their behavior- And I have a few people I have great resentment to- and I have to watch my thoughts moment to moment to not become this poor me type of person) However, they truly thought that their lives were not worth living, and if you can feel a little more peace in your heart I think you may get through it a little better. You sound young, so you should not be having chest pains. Once the anger passes for them and what they did, it will be much more freeing for you.

All of these stories are so tragic actually. You do wonder why we cannot heal ourselves or talk more about the darkness we feel.

Yes, several guys I knew killed themselves during the height of the AIDS epidemic in San Francisco. I felt sad, of course, but then again, I've always been a believer in self-deliverance. Under the circumstances at that time, it was understandable.

A girl I knew in college killed herself. She always seemed sort of roughly odd - the sort who never was going to be peaceful or happy. She was only 22, tho. Which seems to be “jumping the gun” a bit, as it were.

I never did find out what her issues were.

One of my close friends hanged himself just a little over ten years ago. We knew he was dealing with something but he wouldn't talk about it. We knew it was coming and we couldnt do a thing to stop it.

My Brother in Law blew his head off with a shotgun.

Yes, it was a relief he did that when he did.

If my sister had been there, he was going to shoot her first.

Is that a scene from The Exorcist in OP’s image? If it isn’t, it should be.

My uncle contracted tuberculosis while he was stationed on Okinawa during WWII. He was in and out of sanitariums from then until his suicide in 1959. I was 6 when this happened, so I didn't really know the man well, but it was my very first experience with death. I remember being at his burial and looking around and seeing my aunts and grandmother sobbing, by grandfather, father and uncles stoic but obviously grieving and thinking to myself that this was not an occasion to misbehave.

This was the first in a series of tragedies for my dad's family. Within a year of my uncle's suicide, my grandfather was killed in an accident and my grandmother suffered a terrible stroke, which left her completely paralyzed on one side and unable to talk. She spent 7 years in a nursing home, getting gangrene in one leg which had to be amputated, then gangrene in the other leg and that one being amputated.

I don't know about my uncle's death, but my dad and his siblings were greatly relieved when their mother died and her suffering was finally over.

When I was in college, a female classmate committed suicide by jumping in front of a train after being dumped by her boyfriend. I was 10 meters behind her so I saw her jumping from the pedestrian gateway and I was brought to the police station to answer their questions.

Also when I was 13, I was walking nearby the Montparnasse tower in Paris when I heard a bunch of voices yelling over me and I suddenly saw a man crash down on the ground about 40 to 50 steps away from me. Details are fuzzy and I didn't know him anyway but it stills does a trick on you and I needed to see a school psychiatrist for that for a while.

I was a manager of an apartment building and one day I was sitting in the office when a tenant came screaming into the lobby "He killed himself! He killed himself!" . He and his lover were both poz,and I guess his lover just couldnt deal with it anymore. I sat him down and called the police and went up to their apartment and was met by a grisly scene. The lover had slashed both his wrists,and apparently went from room to room spinning around. There was blood everywhere. The walls,the ceiling,the furniture. Russ (the guys name) was curled into a ball in the corner and honest to god,you couldnt tell if he was white,black,male or female. I never imagined a human body held that much blood.An awful thing that still haunts me to this day.

A girl who I met at a friend's party when I was in college. She was one year behind me in school. When I met her I found her very overly-enthusiastic about the Wordsworth set poetry in English and I privately thought "settle down, he's not all that great".

One year later she hung herself from a door knob.

Bipolar, r19?

r20 I believe so. I didn't know her diagnosis at the time. I found her really nice if fake, like she was acting all the time, so I didn't really become friends with her because I didn't trust her sincerity. She was apparently hyperintelligent and argued with her shrink about taking meds.

A mutual friend of ours was asked to check her laptop afterward and found father/daughter incest fic. I don't know if it was just a fetish or symptomatic of something darker.

A good friend's brother killed himself with a shot to the head when he was 19. It became clear after his death that he'd been sexually abused by their father.

Nothing ever happened to the father. So much darkness in that family, though.

[quote] One year later she hung herself from a door knob.

Was she 16 inches tall?

r23 see Kate Spade

R23 Think harder then write back...

Yes, but no one who was super-close. A girl I was in HS with. She was troubled back then, her family was a huge mess. Her family seemed to accept her homosexuality, but who knows. Her nieces adored her. She struggled with a drug addiction. A classmate actually called her mother to give condolences and ask how she did it. I’m shocked the woman didn’t hang up on my cunt classmate, but she answered the question.

She hung herself from a doorknob.

I think this woman was in so much turmoil, death was an escape and I am relieved for her.

My great grandfather shot himself at the onset of Alzheimers. Considering the years long subsequent suffering of my grandfather due to Alzheimers, it was probably a good choice.

I knew a doctor, a giant in his field, who did the same thing when he got the Alzheimer's diagnosis. His family tried to cover it up as an accident but his colleagues knew better - he didn't die cleaning his gun.

Strange how someone who worked so hard to extend the lives of others cut his own life short.

my nephew shot himself. successful, happily married with 2 kids - just struggled so much with addiction and depression - he had such a nice heart. my good friend and co-worker (same, married, happy, 2 kids) did it by sitting in a running car in the garage - he had Hep C and was on interferon which had a side effect of depression. Then years later, his son did the same thing. It was chilling. None of us know what happens when you die. We can't be sure the pain ends, I happen to think it doesn't. The only thing suicide does is take away any chance that things will get better.

R29- Wow.

I feel that you carry all of those unsolved things in your own enlightenment/soul development to another lifetime.

My god that is some sad stuff.

Sylvia Plath's son committed suicide a few years ago.

I think about it but I know it would totally crush my mother and sister. I do love them and can't do that to them.

Although the looming prospect of a penniless partnerless life is not very appealing.

My ex-partner of 13 years killed himself about two and a half years after we split up. He had unmanaged bipolar disorder—refused to take prescribed meds—and self-medicated with alcohol. He alienated himself from many of his friends and family, who bailed him out financially many times. He was once quite successful in his career, but ended up dying in a homeless shelter. When his mother called, I didn’t ask how he had done it; only the outcome mattered.

The aftermath was bad for everyone who knew him, myself included. As often is the case, there were many “what if’s” around what I or others could have or should have done differently. The emotional baggage from not just his death but also the several years of living with someone with an addiction and unmanaged mental illness has made it quite challenging to put myself out there and connect with another guy again for a serious relationship.

I think everyone should do it at least once!

Show us how it’s done, r34!

My parents had a close friend who was like an uncle to me. He was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer and he had multiple surgeries and was suffering a lot. He committed suicide by gun on Friday night when his wife went out for a break to bowl with friends. She came home and found him. She called my parents at 1 am to tell them. I was a teenager at the time and I was watching TV in the basement when I heard the phone ring and then my parents were both screaming and crying. Even though we knew he was suffering and would eventually die, his death was a heavy blow. He was one kindest people I ever knew and remember being upset that he chose to end his life that way.

A few days after his funeral, his wife told my parents that he left a suicide note saying that he felt awful ending his own life. But, he hated the suffering and he had become fed up with how doctors and nurses had been treating him and he didn't want to die in hospice or at home while still having to deal with medical professionals. His wife had some anger and she later told she forgave him because she realized she wasn't in his place and probably didn't understand his thinking and that the brain cancer likely caused emotional/mental issues. In recent years, she has said that if she ended with some awful terminal illness, that she might consider assisted suicide.

A coworker killed himself by drinking poisoned wine late at night at the beach. (It definitely wasn't an accident or homicide -- he left a note.) The guy was brilliant and a super-achiever. He was doubting his career choice and felt despair about that, but maybe it was just depression talking. He was only in his mid-20s and could have so easily started something new. Sigh. I've thought "If his suicide is such a mindf*ck for me, a coworker who didn't know him that well, imagine how hard it is for his family and close friends."

Yes. No.

Yes, three, all drug-related.

R39 Why not make it an even four, dear?

We have never used recreational drugs, never even tried them. Unlike most on DL.

My uncle shot himself when he got lung cancer. He wanted to be buried in the church -- Syrian Orthodox -- so the priest pretended it was an accident. One of my closest friends killed himself when his AIDS became unmanageable. He would not take any medication for it, so it ravaged him fairly quickly. It's been about 15 years now; it took me ten years to stop thinking I see him in a crowd, and I miss him all the time. I recently had tongue cancer. I'm still in recovery mode. If it comes back -- and there is a good likelihood it will -- I will kill myself rather than go through radiation and chemo again. It simply is not worth it. I just hope my mom and my pets are gone before that happens.

Fucking right! My best friend.

[quote]We have never used recreational drugs, never even tried them.

Honey, you've been in AA for fifty years. You can hardly look down your nose at other people's addictions.

And you eat poo.

R42. STOP!!!! What stage was it. You are healthy now. Live Live Live.

Two friends, both bipolar. They shot themselves in the head.

R45 -- It was Stage 3. They had to remove a major portion of my tongue. I have to use a feeding tube for a while, and I can't speak entirely legibly. Recovery is slow and difficult. It will take about a year between surgery and being able to eat without a tube. I'm ok with the difficulties now, but there is no way I will go through another operation to remove a tumor -- they would have to remove my entire tongue at that point, I assume -- and endure the therapy. I have people who love me, but no one is dependent on me, other than my pets, whom, if I go before they do, I will make plans for their being cared for. Thanks for your concern , though.

When I was in college, a student jumped from the 5th level of the parking garage because he got a "C" in organic chemistry, and with that, went his medical school aspirations. I wish I was making that up, but it happened. His mom and dad were both MD's.

When I was in high school, there were two guys who hung themselves.

One was a bisexual guy who was a total mess, but not too bad a person.

The other was a guy who may or may not have been gay and lived in the country. He was actually really nice.

That was just at my school, there were some other suicides at the other schools. I don't know of anyone else killing themselves that I knew after high school.

R47- I truly believe that we do a disservice to each other "sympathizing" and "pitying" someone in your circumstances because we simply hold you in that unhealthy/sick dis-ease energy-

I am seeing you as triumphant and healthy. I have zero sympathy for you. I have joy for you. I am JEALOUS of your health and wealth.

You are healed and you are a motherfucker. A MOTHERFUCKER. I'm jealous of your amazing good fortune!!!

What happened after he jumped r48?

When we were 17 we tried to euthanize ourself. Thank God we survived!

And how is so and so, I asked a college mate about a guy we'd both known in college. It had been about 20 years ago. Before he answered, I knew our friend was dead, that he had killed himself.

R47, I’ve seen you post here and there. You never know. Look at Valerie Harper. That bitch had brain cancer and she’s still here among us.

Keep passing the open windows.

I keep looking at OP's photograph.

Is that the view from OP's window?

WW to the John Irving fan.

My uncle in Europe killed himself. He was the baby of the family and my father called me late at night to tell me. I’d never met the man, and his death meant nothing to me except that it rattled my poor father so badly.

His wife had left him for a Turkish migrant and the shame was apparently a factor. (My mother said he was always a bit depressed and “they’re all alcoholics over there) He had two adult children. One of them friended my sister and I on FB and she seems to be doing well.

He ran a hose from the exhaust pipe to the interior of the car. He had driven to a public park’s parking area and did it there.

My youngest sister. She was married with two young girls when it happened. I was told a few years beforehand that she was struggling with postpartum depression, but never in a million years did I actually think that she would actually go through with it. It's generally accepted that attempting suicide is a call for help, and that's what I thought it was at the time. Just a call for help. I wasn't close to her because she was almost 8 years younger than me.

The thing that stunned me, though, was that I believed she had circumvented the extremely dystopian environment that was our large family (there were nine of us, and she was the youngest) and had emerged into adulthood relatively unscathed. So many things in our lives are never what they seem. My sister had been at the bottom of an avalanche of dysfunction and sexual abuse and ended up being the "forgotten one".

I will never, ever, ever forget the morning my other younger sister called me to tell me that she "had done it". I'm crying as I write this (please, don't post anything sympathetic or otherwise). In my life, there was no defining or singular moment so devastating as that precise moment in time when I got that call. I went down a rabbit hole that day and have calcified my emotions so I can live beyond my memories of her life. I so wish I could've connected with my sister, I so wish I could've been a better big brother. I was not nice to her as a young sibling and I feel absolutely awful when I think about it. I can rationalize it and say that we were all terrible siblings to each other, but that seems like an excuse.

Guy I worked with. He was brilliant, Ivy League, but lived humbly and simply, seemed to have a good outlook on life, had a beautiful bride, many friends. He had struggled with depression but didn’t tell too many people about it. In retrospect I remember him saying he did not believe in therapy.

Female family member I didn’t know well - not a close relative - killed herself after learning her husband was cheating on her. Left behind two children who were not wanted by their father and were put into the foster system. I was quite young at the time and had more anger toward her than sympathy.

And, recently, a dear, wonderful friend. I still haven’t made sense of it yet. None of us have. We gathered to talk about our memories of him and just couldn’t understand, probably never will.

All I lack is the courage

^^ Better to be a coward than dead. And I mean that as a compliment.

I know a guy who committed suicide under the influence of an malaria prevention drug that had a side effect of psychosis.

His family was so embarrassed by the suicide that it created a whole different story about how he died.

Yes. A friend on Wall Street in 2010.

She was bright, emotionally savvy and articulate.

She had just moved to a nice new apartment in Hell's Kitchen a few weeks before deciding to end her life.

She chose to pass peacefully - and quickly - by inhaling helium from multiple balloons.

I was unaware of the occurring event, but she did ring her folks on Roosevelt Island beforehand. When they rushed to her apartment, they found she had passed.

She apparently left a note for her family. Her Father passed shortly after her death.

Her passing was difficult for me as her friend; although, I know she struggled frequently as she was emotionally astute, open and fiercely intelligent. This seemed to threaten others. It was as if she sensed and felt things others were often oblivious to. This resulted in feelings of isolation and rejection in a "stiff, upper lip" milieu.

My aunt committed suicide after her young son died of cancer. At least that was the story.

I found out years later that she was having an affairs and my uncle found out. That may have had more to do with the suicide

R64

I’m sure I’m nowhere as near as brilliant as your friend but a lot of what she struggled with resonates with me.

My cousin came home from college to his parent's house for the week-end while his parents attended a medical conference.

His high school girlfriend and two other friends joined him for some fun of (presumably alcohol/drugs and) Russian roulette.

He seized my Aunt's inherited (locked up) revolver and before anyone knew it, I was called regarding his death.

Was it an accident? Reckless behaviour? Or a suicide due to limited comments extracted from his girlfriend?

My cousin reminds me of Harry Markle. Even in appearance.

The death was traumatic for his parents as they struggled to catch many flights home knowing of the sudden death. And it has remained one of the defining characteristics of my Aunt's life. She almost left her husband and talks non-stop of this son and the pain, even decades later.

Have you ever known someone who committed suicide?

Yes.

Did their death feel like a relief in some way?

Hell. NO.

Helium. from multiple balloons??

That can kill someone???

My god this is horrible. R64. My god.

It reminds me of that Nutritionist that everyone mocked here.

God bless all these souls. May they be in PEACE.

I'm evil to say this, but all I can think about after reading r64 is some girl saying "goodbye cruel world". In an unbelievably high-pitched voice.

/R66

I've since come to the conclusion that there was or is a certain irony in my dear friend's experience: although we may FEEL alone with such characteristics, we most certainly are NOT.

My friend had certain gifts. And challenges. We all do. It seems to be the nature of Human Existence. Yet, through her experience I am continually learning of Life: its quality, preciousness and interconnection.

Although our culture may not yet wholeheartedly encourage our gifts, I am encouraged by you, your post and our sharing. The ripple effect of Life does make a difference as evidenced by this thread.

An acquaintance of mine committed suicide about five years ago after about three years of being unable to find a job. He was very talented and had a long-time job at a respectable company for many years. He eventually for laid off. The transitio form being employed to unemployed to destitute, lonely and isolated took its toll. He simply could not find a job and started to withdraw. He was a very happy guy at one time, but he also had a bit of a dark side. However, the lack of a job and feeling desperate drove him to kill himself. It was horribly tragic.

i knew someone who committed suicide and it's the worst thing you can ever experience. I hate a lot of people, but I would never wish that on them. Now, even after all of these years, there are still so many unanswered questions. And not only the unanswered questions, the mess he left. He left such a fucking mess. And what's worse is I knew that he wasn't acting like himself in the months before he did it, but I did nothing.

I came close one week back in 2010 when my love-interest developed schizophrenia and tried it. He ended up on life support at one point, and at another almost killed himself with my mother in the room. After a short time he though he got better, laughed it off, dumped me and went on his merry way to the big city and a shiny career. I have spent several years haunted by the image of him in my living room, emaciated and slashing his wrists and trying to smash his own skull open on the walls. Ever since he's travelled the world fucking IG girls and schmoozing, while I have been unable to have a close relationship or commit to anything.

I don't even have positive or loving feelings for him anymore and haven't since his attempt, but still something in me cannot relinquish my resentment over the strangling effect of what he almost did (and then got away with, like it was nothing and no big deal). The whole disturbing mess has made me anxious, overcautious and avoidant and extended my own depressive trajectory by years; it even drove me to drop out of school a year early and live with my folks. I've spoken to therapists about it but all they say is "let go and let God" or other banal aphorisms. Then there's all the advice here saying it's always worse if they die...but is it?

I still have to see him around some years during holiday seasons, as our families are connected. He's happy, and I'm such a wreck still. In some more brutal, ugly, dark and envious moments of my life since I wish he'd been successful only in finishing himself off so I'd have closure and wouldn't compare myself to him.

Yes. One of my female colleagues who ceased taking her medication for postpartum depression. Two children. Three weeks after she stopped taking her meds, she wrote letters to her parents, husband, toddler and newborn, went for a walk in the woods and slit her wrists.

She and her husband both seemed like kind people. He and the children moved shortly after the funeral but I doubt they ever felt anything like relief in regards to what happened.

I won't judge my co-worker who went ahead with it, or anyone who is thinking about it because I've not walked in their shoes. I will only say that I'm sorry that you're hurting and hope things improve.

/R69 https://www.healio.com/psychiatry/journals/psycann/2016-10-46-10/%7Be7c686c8-1a6d-4e56-a3ab-34ab745649b1%7D/a-20-year-old-man-with-a-suicide-attempt-using-helium

" Breathing pure helium can cause death by asphyxiation within minutes"

My friend researched the quickest, simplest way to pass in the medical literature.

/R70

I actually have to laugh. And thank you. I never framed her last moments in my imagination like this. And I think my friend is having the last laugh as we speak - er, type. She had a wicked sense of humour and could frame even the darkest of situations with the contrast of emotions as you. It was part of her emotive repetoire.

My grandfather (though I didn't know the cause until years later. I suspect it was via gun but I don't know), a childhood friend's older brother (shotgun), and my older brother (rifle).

I've been there myself as well.

Some people say it is a coward's way out or selfish, which I disagree with. It is an act of total desperation when one can't see another path out. There always is another path of course, and often difficult, but there always is another way (I personally don't see an issue with terminally ill people who are looking forward to a painful death, but ... others disagree).

Last night I was sitting with my sister and browsing the DL. I mentioned to her that, every time I see this thread, I get squeamish and pass by it quickly. She looked at me like I was crazy and said perhaps I am still bothered by my uncle's suicide when we were 10.

My jaw dropped and I started to tear up. If you had asked me two days earlier about my uncle, I would tell you he lives in England but he was never close to the rest of the family. I now remember that it had been very traumatic for my mother because when they were kids, their parents sent them both to England to live with their grandmother but after almost ten years they called my mother back home. Her brother never forgave her because he felt that she had abandoned him. Of course, my mother was only 14 and had no choice. Their grandmother passed away and he killed himself shortly afterward.

I should add, that, while there is always another path, people cannot often see it. So if you know someone who you think is in a "state" like this ... just be a total PITA. Call them, invite them to dinner, see a movie with them, etc. You don't have to be their "savior". Just be someone who keeps them occupied with the little joys that life can offer.

It was kind of hushed up then, but when I was 12 or 13 the mother of two kids I knew, a woman my mother had been friends with since high school, found out her husband was fucking around with a beautician in town. "She was kind of depressive anyway," my Mom told me a couple of years later, "but she just walked down the street to the beach, into the water, and kept walking. She drowned herself wearing a cotton housedress."

"A cotton housedress." The gay gene at work - I still recall that phrase and wondered, even then, "Would it have been better if she'd worn something a little more dressy?"

I attempted suicide 10 years ago. Thank God, I failed. I will never know what that did to my partner, (now husband) to have to call 911 to save my life. I wound up in a psych ward for 5 days. A lot of it had to do with a bad psychiatrist who didn't know how to prescribe meds as well as horrible self-esteem. Anyway, I'm off meds and totally loving my husband and my life. And, thank God, he loves me too.

Your post is inappropriate, R81. It truly is.

That's OK advice, r79, but if you do all that and the person still kills himself, that friend can blame himself something awful.

I didn't mean it like that R83. You can only do all that you can do.

The worst part is knowing you didn't even try, which is what I was trying to get across.

R81, God bless you. Many more wonderful years of joy.

I understand what you meant. And there is value to it. But I know from first-hand experience the guilt suicides can leave behind.

I’ve encountered two articles on suicide that changed my thinking profoundly.

The first is from the New York Times. It covers the challenges of suicide prevention. Roughly a quarter of attempts are made with 5 minutes of contemplation and almost half of people who try to kill themselves do so impulsively.

I had a wonderful friend who'd suffered from AIDS for many years. When the drugs first came out, he started on them but had terrible side effects (kidney stones, etc.). Then he left his husband, who was devoted to him. About two years later, he jumped out a hotel window in San Francisco. A couple weeks later, I was horrified to see the same scene play out in "The Hours".

The second is a long-form report on the suicide prevention studies of a psychiatrist named Jerome Motto, who wrote letters to suicidal patients and asked them to respond.

Both pieces, the New York Times more clinically so, helped me understand the condition more acutely and empathize.

My encounters with suicide touch both family and friends. I never felt about the deaths any sort of relief, only wistful hope for what could have been.

I knew a guy who was severely in the closet. He moved to NYC and slowly inched out but he never admitted it to any friend he knew before NY. His family was crazy conservative and even he would say such horribly homophobic comments in college.

Anyhow, he was very close to his mother. When his mother died unexpectedly, he was devastated. One night he drank a lot and fell asleep. Apparently he choked on his vomit and died.

Those of us who knew him think it was suicide

My uncle - who had been a police officer and then became a probation officer - was caught with kiddie porn - and as the cops we coming to arrest him, his put a bullet in his head. Tragic. He was talking to his daughter - my cousin - right before he did it. I never really knew him that well. He sent me a subscription to Playboy when I was a freshman in college...I can't say I miss him - though I thought it was a sad way to end your life - and my Dad (his brother) was pretty undone about it (since he had lost his other brother when he was 5 - run over by a Coca-Cola delivery truck in the late '30s. Can't imagine how his kids felt...

Older neighbor lived across the street. Great guy, helpful to all the neighbors. But as he got older (he was 79), things started to go wrong health-wise. He couldn't take being sick and falling apart. He had a small gun collection. One day, he went into his bedroom and shot himself in the head. It was shocking..

Yes, a cousin. It was a shock to everybody but his wife. She is an idiot and she never told anybody else in the family that he had been threatening suicide for a year. Im sure nobody he knew and nobody in our family ever suspects why........its only a guess on my part

when he was about 7 years old we were at a family function and he came up to me and told me he had been to a locker room with his dad and all the men were naked. He had the biggest smile on his face I ever saw. He seemed highly impressed. What that meant I can only speculate. Whether it was a clue he was a closet case or not I cant really say. His 2 best friends in high school were the best looking kids in his class. When one of the friends got married young my cousin had his very own room in their house for about the first 2 years of their married life that he stayed in on weekends, It was in the same town he lived and he had his own place so I counted that up as another somewhat weird event .............he had a best friend at work but when the friend got married my cousing dropped him like a hot potato. My cousin was married at that point and I couldnt understand why they wouldnt hang out as couples?

Anyway he was raised in a born again family with a very very rigid mother and I never set a very good role model for being gay but I really got no inclination that my hunch was correct. So I was just a spectator. Anyway, he and his wife werent getting along and I heard via the grapevine their sex life was not good and the wife and kid moved out and nobody in the family knew about it immediately......... and then my cousing blew his brains out.

I was at his wedding 10 years before and I couldnt help but wonder if he wasnt doing this as some sort of obligation and not really into it as he didnt seem to me to be a man in love. All of his friends were married and he only ever really dated 2 women at any length.

Anyway his death caused me a great deal of guilt and even having said all that the suicide was a shock.However he was so closed off I never felt comfortable talking to him about anything other than surface stuff.

My net door neighbor in the mid rise building I lived in in LA killed himself when he and his boyfriend got their HIV results This was 1986 when that would have been a death sentence. He junped off his balcony in the midst of doing coke with his boyhfriend and another friend. He just ran from the living room out to the balcony and jumped without a moments hesitation. That one took a while to get over,

If a woman just decides to take to her bed and not eat or drink anything , how soon before she stops breathing?

[quote] A coworker killed himself by drinking poisoned wine late at night at the beach.

Morbid and terrible but I will admit this does sing to my backwoods goth-hillbilly-vampire sensibilities. He went in style.

That’s all, carry on.

My dad in 1983 when I was 8. He shot himself in our home while we were sleeping. It ruined my whole family. My grandparents were never the same. There was no note and to this day we still have no idea why. I think of him everyday. It’s a very empty feeling.

Over the years almost all the people I know who killed themselves were work colleagues but I didn't really know any of them well.

A former bosses brother who I knew killed himself after his wife died and a friend who was 87 and in good health took her own life as she feared of decline as she aged. At 87 she was in fantastic shape but I can understand why she did it. Funnily enough she had been talking about doing herself in for over 10 years prior and the last time we saw her she didn't mentioned it. One of her adult children had taken his life earlier in the year and we assumed that gave her second thoughts.

Something really freaky about suicide by jumping from heights. Back in 2007 I watched a documentary called The Bridge and it was about people jumping off the Golden Gate Bride in San Francisco. Some people have survived the jump from the bridge and they all said the same thing - on the way down they regretted jumping.

A friend at school killed herself because her brother had raped her.

A guy at my university stepped in front of a truck.

My father’s cousin, with no history of depression, gassed himself in his car in the garage one day.

I have attempted suicide twice. The second attempt was more serious and I was hospitalised. I am now on medication for bipolar disorder and the suicidal ideation has eased considerably. Rationally, I know that my dying would hurt people, but it isn’t at the front of your mind when you just want everything to STOP.

R97, yes that documentary was a real-opener. Not only that they regretted jumping, but many achieved clarity and suddenly realised that all their problems were fixable, except for the one that they had just created by jumping, which was now out of their hands.

*real eye-opener

You shouldn't have to shoot yourself or jump off a bridge if you want to end your life. It's YOUR life, FFS.

I knew someone who committed suicide ... and then she died.

Biggest hug and so much love to r96.

I'm no expert, but I kind of disagree with the article at r87.

It goes against a lot of Thomas Joiner's research, who presents what I believe is the best theory of suicide, the "interpersonal theory."

He posits that people who die by suicide have usually developed the capacity to kill themselves over many years: this usually happens by being exposed to pain/trauma (war, abuse, drug use, even heavy tattooing). It's not easy to kill oneself. People can also habituate themselves to suicide by imagining their own death, or by "rehearsing" their suicide (even mentally).

In the exact moment of the suicidal act, yes, it may be impulsive. But Joiner argues that suicide itself usually isn't impulsive. Not really. The decision to end one's life is rarely taken lightly. People who die this way have usually felt very bad, for very long, and are tired of the struggle.

My aunt, on the one year anniversary of her 30 year old sons death, curled up on her couch and OD'ed on pills and vodka. My BIL blew his head off leaving wife, 3 teenage kids,

I opened up a newspaper one night and saw a pic of a great female friend in the obit section. I was shocked. It said "passed away unexpectedly". We had talked a few weeks before about getting together for breakfast or lunch. The only thing I could think of was that, as an active hiker and mountain climber, she had fallen or injured herself so badly. Turns out she committed suicide because she discovered she had breast cancer. Her best girlfriend had gone thru breast cancer and come out ok on the other side and told my friend that she'd be there every step of the way to see her through her experience. My friend took a bottle of pills, drove to a secluded place and took an overdose. I could NOT believe it. I think of her all the time and can't imagine what turmoil she was going thru.

R96. How terribly sad. My mom's father died of illness when she was 8 and I know that event shaped who she is today. Can only imagine who it affected you and your family. My former roommate killed herself. Stunningly beautiful and mega rich but couldn't deal with being dumped by a boy. Very tragic.

This is the saddest thread.

I remember that documentary (from r97) .

I don't understand how they regretted it at the last second and were happy they survived. What switch in their brain just flipped like that? It can't be that easy... I mean, there are people who have had suicidal ideation for 20 years that no drug will touch, but surviving your fall off a bridge is a cure? It sounds a little to pop-psychology and edited by the documentary filmmaker to me...

Then again, there's another guy who shot himself in the face & lived and got horrendously disfigured. He then received a face transplant. He wants to live now more than ever! It blows my mind how he's now in an even more horrible state, but now he wants to live more than he has ever wanted to before. Is he on anti-depressants that are truly that great? Remember that recent meta-review that said many only performed marginally better than placebos? What could he be on that stopped him from being suicidal after blowing his face off?

The one person I know who committed suicide tried 4 times (overdose of rx drugs, cyanide ordered from online source, and a few others I don't know about - just was told it was "4") until he finally did something fairly impossible to survive. He regretted surviving every time. When he woke up in the hospital after 2 of the attempts, he was furious. And going through cyanide chelation for 2 weeks as an inpatient was even more torture....as was fighting with the insurance company to cover it (they wouldn't cover it - so the doctors had to rewrite it as accidental ingestion from an unknown contaminated source). And once he was cleared of cyanide - he tried again a few months later.

r109 it's true. Another stat: people who survive a serious suicide attempt usually do not go on to commit suicide (although some do, of course).

So sorry r96

I know they’re not in their right mind when they do it but I always think it’s extra horrible when they do it somewhere their family, especially their kids, can find them.

A guy in our neighborhood hung himself in his garage. I think I was about 12. He was divorced, had custody of his daughters, and his 9 or 10 year old is the one who found him.

If you’re going to leave all that trauma for your family to wade through, at least have the consideration to save them the visuals. Go to a hotel or parking lot if something. Whoever finds you is going to be traumatized but not on the level your own family will be.

I’m glad you’re here R81.

My cousin was 41 when he killed himself. He struggled with depression, drug abuse, etc. for years. He had finally seemed to turn a corner. He went into business with his older brother whom he adored. The feeling was mutual. He had a wonderful girlfriend and a two year old baby daughter. He'd been clean for about 8 years. Then one day, she came home from work, and there he was. He hung himself. His parents, my cousins are wonderful people, they work with Suicide Prevention efforts now.

R104. I went to high school w Tommy Joiner. A great guy. Intelligent, popular, handsome, QB of football team. This was a very good private school in Atlanta. Tommy went to Princeton. Freshman year of college, when we all came home for our first spring break at college, his dad committed suicide. Went to a park in Buckhead and shot himself in the car. I had known Tommy and his family growing up. Mother was beautiful. His younger sister was great. His dad and mom even had a third kid belatedly when we were in 8th grade. Never knew why his dad did it. Tommy now teaches psych at Florida State Univ I believe. I have always wondered the pain he went through.

I never felt relief. I felt abandoned, confused, angry, and sad.

R114 - Ummm, why would you put his name out there?

He is a public figure who researches suicide r116

*114

Oh you'll be dead soon enough- for a long, long time. May as well hang around til it happens naturally.

A psychiatrist I went to years ago, committed suicide. I wondered if it was something I said.

I had someone close to me commit suicide years ago very suddenly, but I don't feel it as suicide because we are certain that it was a response to the SSRIs he was taking at the time - the first couple of weeks in particular are a real danger period for this. I mention it here because I think there are so many families out there that have lost someone due to this, in a sudden suicide under unexpected circumstances, who are suffering needlessly wondering why it happened or if there was something they could have done.

Not all of these suicides will have been due to a reaction to medication but a certain number will - if you have lost someone in this way, they were taking SSRIs and you're looking for answers then it's worth looking up 'SSRIs and Suicidal ideation' and having a read. If I didn't know this I think I would feel very differently about what happened but it has really alleviated a lot of the trauma.

It’s funny most people fantasize about being with a beautiful man/woman, visiting an exotic location, spending time with a loved one. I fantasize about my death hoping that something or someone will put me out of my misery.

R122, have you tried the cement yard decor projects mentioned on the other thread of lacking joy?

I know another one who still has his facebook page up & fb turned it into a memorial page. It's a bit depressing how he has 100x the amount of comments / friends that I ever do (though I stopped using fb - even when I did, it was nothing like that).

Every comment is "thinking of you" or "I saw xyz and it reminded me of you" - going back to 2012. The birthdays are insane with posts.

This was an accidental / on purpose suicide I think. I don't know the exact details but it was too much of a combo of drugs / alcohol. Not sure how it was classified. There were some issues for a while, though not quite (expressed) depression... but substance abuse which I thought were actually just a weird personality at first.

I don't believe I have known (as in beyond acquaintance) anyone that has committed suicide, but a friend in my teens confessed at taking a bottle of pills but surviving, as did a friend recently confess the same to me on the phone. So, attempts. I also know some that have had suicidal thoughts, and both myself any my partner have had pre-suicidal thoughts before.

I don't know how I'd react.

Its strange sometimes. I have often felt I am sinking into the depths of anxiety and depressive patterns while others are having a blast in life, then at some point I discover those awesome people tried to end it all, while I have made a self-narrative about encouraged endurance and genuine positivity. A part of me, by now, expects to reach the age of 50 way in the future, with a truly happier life than the majority of public-displaying-happy-people. Saying such feels arrogant to me, but with every year I think it may be more true.

Yes I did but they're dead now.

R79 Good advice.

R81 I'm glad you failed too & glad you're happy now

The president of the comedic oneliners club was heard to say "I"m going to commit suicide or die trying."

My co-worker's 23 yr old son hung himself in the park across the street from their house.

Katherine Hepburn's brother hung himself from the shower rod and she found him dead, supposedly after an episode of auto-asphyxiation.

But is that suicide or misadventure?

My stepfather jumped from the bridge and killed himself. When they did the autopsy on him. They found cleaning agents in him. He really wanted to die. My mother has always picked creeps. So I was not upset. Was more upset about Robin Williams. Still makes me sad.

Ask some people who know me in a few years.

R125, not arrogant at all. Classic sour grapes perception along with defense. Get better soon

Suicide doesn't relieve pain - it only transfers it.

Most days I have suicidal thoughts. I tell myself my family and friends don’t want me dead, so I don’t do it, but the thought is always there.

Yes, a guy in our group of friends growing up. We all lived in a funky, hippie town on the north shore of long island - it was the 80s. Not to sound glib and glamorizing, but we were all the kids of academics or artists or shrinks. Which meant rampant narcissism amongst the parents and all of us pretty much on our own doing very adult things at a young age.

Anyway - my friend Baz was the most brilliant out of our bunch. In retrospect he was pretty much a genius - he was the kid reading the Iliad and The Odyssey in 4th grade for kicks. He introduced me to LSD at 14. In high school, his whole thing was Nabokov and jazz. He just seemed - on a different frequency. He breezed through Reed College then came back to our town and hanged himself in his parents closet. It came out later that his dad had beaten the shit out of him and his siblings all their lives.

It's weird. I'm numb and still upset about it at the same time - and this was years ago.

R136, Great Neck? 😅

[quote]Some people have survived the jump from the bridge and they all said the same thing - on the way down they regretted jumping.

Jumpers have time to contemplate their impending doom and freak out. They "regret it" because that's what fear does -- it makes you want to reverse course. But those who take a gentler approach to suicide, for example by swallowing pills, probably don't "regret it" in the same way, otherwise more of them would try to save themselves by forcing themselves to vomit.

As for those jumpers who are glad to have survived their suicide attempt, I think they develop something of a Jesus complex after having survived the impossible.

i just could not even try mainly because i am afraid i would not do it properly . so many stories of people who tried and fucked up, blew off their face, needed face transplant or the guy who avanatti stole his settlement , he tried to hang himself in jail and landed on his head and is now paralyzed . i would feel like such a loser to fail at suicide.....

R120, you just reminded me. My mother saw a counselor back in the 70s and she killed herself. It was the first time I’d ever heard of anyone doing that (I was a kid.)

And there was a “friend” from our friend group in HS who recently died. He’d been posting cries for help on FB. He had been in poor physical health and his mental health was BAD. The thing is, I was relieved, for his sake. He was suffering a lot. He was a funny guy with a unique writer’s voice and a talent for drawing. But he was also a giant liar and he was really messed up on drugs and deceit. A mess.

I’m pretty sure it was suicide. He had recently had a major surgery and I thought it might have been a complication. But the fact that no one came out and said his cause of death leads me to believe he ended his own life. He’s better off now.

There are things worse than death.

R135 - please seek help the help you deserve - either family or friends or the hotline 1-800-273-8255. Be well.

I would never kill myself while my parents are still alive.

Just my luck they'll live to be in their 90s. Ugh.

Part of me is just hoping for a sudden massive heart-attack, but I'll never be that lucky. I fear suffering and lingering is in my future. With no friends or family or anything for support. It's going to seriously suck.

[quote]I don't even have positive or loving feelings for him anymore and haven't since his attempt, but still something in me cannot relinquish my resentment over the strangling effect of what he almost did

r74, I posted on another thread about a friend whose grandparents failed in a suicide pact and decided to go on living after all the letters had been sent out to family members, documents sent to lawyers and gifts send to newborn great-grandchildren. The rest of the family didn't cut off the grandparents - they came around for Christmas, and provided help during illnesses - but they were absolutely shattered by the experience and lost total trust in them. It's fair to say they never really will forgive them for breaking their hearts in so dramatic a fashion.

When I posted about this on the other thread, I was slammed because posters viewed my friend and her family unsupportive, but the truth is, suicide doesn't just affect one person and the feelings of others are valid.

I stand with you, brother.

I agree with r142. I always think about how it would affect my little brother for the rest of his life (we're both in our 30s).

I also teach college students, and I wouldn't want them to know their caring, laid back prof had killed himself -- I'm sure that would freak out a lot of them. And I can't guarantee they wouldn't find out.

That said, I fear one day my pain will overwhelm my altruism.

Antidepressants don't really help

R28 Suicide among doctors is pretty frequent. Both because it's a stressful job and because we know how to do it efficiently. I work in a small town and I know that at least 3 doctors offed themselves there. A young neurologist that I used to refer patients to killed himself last year. It really shocked me because he was my age, just 30, and just got married and had a baby. He was so good in his field, highly competent and super nice with the patients. It just seem like such a waste. I didn't even really know him but I still feel heartsick about it.

[quote] truth is, suicide doesn't just affect one person and the feelings of others are valid.

Is there an effective therapy to help those affected by another’s suicide to get closure? CBT/DBT seem to aggravate depression.

I think there are support groups for survivors of suicides, r147.

A woman I know came home to find her husband hanging from the kids' jungle gym. They'd just had a baby. She finally went to a support group and said the moment she walked in, she knew by the looks on people's faces that they understood what she'd been through.

Hope that helps.

at first it does, when theyr a druggy mess

but later u cry ur guts out that theyr gone

and wonder what evil spirit entered their hot bod to make em go to hell like that.

hope I see him up yonder on his cloud.

As mentioned by others, yes, during the AIDS years. I was young. The people who I knew who had AIDS were young. The ones who killed themselves were young. It was ghastly and I am sure we all have a little bit of trauma still in our bones or psyches. It's not the same at all as a war, which involves physical destruction, but there is something comparable to war. We all soldiered through it. I bet it was much grimmer for the slightly older set, in fact.

I know of one guy who hung himself in a hot attic room in August. He was only in his teens, but about 6ft 6 and exstreamly skinny. He believed he was ugly and would never attract a lover. He fixated on his looks and was always commenting on how no one would ever find him attractive. He disappeared and about one week later his rotting corpse was found hanging in the attic of a abandoned building close to where he lived. Strangely enough,about a month latet the abandoned building was hit by lightning and burned to the ground.

GOD BLESS R3. Thank you. Oh, thank you. You saved my life!

♡R3♡ 🌚

Je t'aime, Minnou R3. Taber, bébé

Yes. And no. Definitely not. It's been the opposite of relief. I don't think I'll ever feel true peace again.

As long as you don't have that load resenting your shine, then you'll be fine. Hugs & kisses to all. May we all understand, comprehend where the damage was done &

😅SUDDEN QUICK REVERSE!

SUDDENLY

Go fall in love w/yourself already, wouldja?

You wake up & SUDDENLY..you're in love

I felt very sad when the father of the Sandy Hook kid (the one who got murdered) killed himself.

A surprising number of neighbors in the trendy suburb I live in have killed themselves.

Mothers and fathers.

Many of them very involved in the PTA, community organizations.

R160 What suburb just out of curiosity?

r161

An upper middle class suburb of a major city in the U.S.

Good schools. Homeowners.

No, OP, it didn't feel like a relief at all.

In my twenties 1 friend committed suicide and 3 others attempted it. It was an awful time.

If you commit suicide, you will never be able to enter the kingdom of heaven.

There's no such thing as heaven.

I actually don’t know anyone that committed suicide but I have attempted suicide 10x

My aunt, my uncle and my cousin. I wasn't super close to any of them maybe with my aunt it was kind of expected so now that it happened everyone stopped being on edge. She was severely mentally ill most of her life and tried to kill herself so many times. With my cousin I feel a sense of relief for him but I don't think his death was a relief to the family. He was on drugs, in and out of jail and found his mom after she killed herself. I always felt like he was in a lot of pain and saw no way out. I know wherever he is he's not burdened by his life anymore.

I was suicidal from the age of 7 or 8 until about 24/25. Then suddenly the dark cloud lifted. I remember thinking wow I've finally beaten this thing. I was happy for many years but then suddenly the dark clouds rolled back in. No event triggered this. Just a weird overwhelming sense of despair.

I was a bartender at a restaurant in the late 90s. It was a small staff and we were very tightly knit. A waitress and a cook had been dating for a few months. While driving home from an after work party one night, the cook decided he was going to kill himself and his girlfriend (the waitress) and steered the car into a telephone pole. He died, the waitress lived, but was badly injured. She was never the same after that — a husk of a human being.

Only the Lord can decide when our time on earth ends, it is not for us to decide.

I can never tell whether the religious posts here are sincere or not.

The Lord or some crazy American or Jihadist with a gun.

When I was 16, my parents went on a trip, leaving me on my own for a few days. It was beautiful spring weather. On Sunday morning, I was half asleep but heard a loud sound like a fire cracker going off. Houses were kind of far apart and the sound kind of bounced around---I fell back asleep. When I eventually made my way to the kitchen to make breakfast, I saw through the window, a priest running across our lawn, onto the neighbor's lawn, running like mad. There were also cop cars with flashing lights, etc. on our street.

A boy I knew casually who was a year ahead of me in high school, got a hunting rifle from his dad's gun collection and using his big toe, shot himself in the head. He was 17. You could see the splintered wood by his bedroom window.

So something bothered him terribly and he just had to make it all stop. And he waited for his family to just leave the house so he could do it---they had all gone to church of all places.

A few weeks later, I saw the boy's father standing on a ladder outside his son's window, trying to fix that damaged hole where the bullet had passed through. How could he bear it?

Kids were something you sometimes just lost back in the day, and you got over it, R173. You had some spares, if you could. Young people dying was a more natural thing.

Some parents have that attitude, passed down to them, to this day.

Didn’t see the signs or maybe, looking back, I chose to take the easy way out and overlook them..... he mentioned me in his if I’m “successful” at suicide letter (he had two versions -one if successful, one if he failed) that was read aloud at his memorial. He told me that I didn’t have to worry about him anymore... Have you ever been mentioned in a suicide letter / note?

A friend who was a little bit known in the Hollywood gay community; he had a barber shop on Las Palmas.... I met him 'cause he cut my hair, did damn well with it.

Strangest damn thing. He was as gay as it gets, though he... I dunno resisted it for awhile, had a relatively late awakening or something -- after he was married and had a couple kids.

So life goes on for decades; he, the ex and the kids are all in L.A.; relationships among everyone are good; he and the wife are cordial and keep in touch to address parenting matters, make sure they agree about various parenting-related things; etc. My friend has a huge circle of friends, comes across as a happy person and all is good.

In the earlier days of the Internet, she made contact with a male friend from her high school days, the guy was in Texas, she went out to visit, the kids were adults at the time so she felt comfortable moving to Texas to marry the high school guy.

Inexplicably, that utterly devastated my friend. He acted like the ex had shot his kids or something like that. To go from seemingly well-adjusted to obliterated -- by that -- was flabbergasting.

After many months of that, he killed himself.

Also, a great, great colleague did it. He was liked and respected so much work, by his superiors and those who worked for him. He had the touch to not acquiesce to all management bullshit that would make his people suffer and handle it in a way that kept him on great terms with his superiors.

I thought more than a few times, "I gotta figure out how to handle things as well as Mark does." I came to learn that more than a few people thought that way.

His wife got some rare cancer that started in her neck and it killed her.

Mark was so painfully, obvious gutted. A lot of people get more emotional about death, injury, loss than I do (which can feel like a personality defect of mine), but it fuckin' hurt to see him. I don't know that it was a year later when he killed himself with pills.

Yes my best friend from high school a few years after his family moved a way to Las Vegas. That was before Facebook or e-mail so keeping in touch was by phone which was a lot more sporadic. He was the first straight person I came out to and he said if he had a problem with it, that was something he needed to deal with not me. That was 24 years ago and I still have never allowed myself to have a "best friend" to this day.

My cousin killed himself, by going into the garage and turning on the car. That was many years ago. That family was troubled.. my uncle was cold, and my aunt had Alzheimer disease in her 50s. It wasn't a loving or happy family. It turned out that my cousin, who was always in some sort of trouble, got caught up in drug deals and people were after him. I was never close to him.

My cousin wrote a suicide note and went off to kill himself by jumping off a cliff some distance away...

On the way there, his vehicle got side-swiped by a drunk driver and he nearly died.

Thirty years later, he's now one of the most positive, happy, optimistic people in the world...And works in suicide prevention.

But there's definitely a darkness there.

Wow, what a story, r179 I'm glad he made it.

Yes two people.

One was a casual friend. I had a drink with him in the pub on a Tuesday. He was happy, chatty, talkative and wonderful. He was a porn model. He loved his drugs. On the Thursday, he rang his mother, who lived far away, having taken an overdose and he passed away with her on the phone. Was awful.

Secondly my best friend/fuck buddy hung himself. He had moved back to his parent's house as he had broken his leg and wasn't able to work. I spoke to him on the Sunday and he was in great form, happy and talkative. We arranged to meet each other the following weekend for catch up and sex. Monday morning his mum went out shopping. My friend said he would make lunch for them for when she got back. When she returned, she came home to an empty house. Thought nothing of it. Then at 1pm there was a knock at the door. Two policemen were there to tell her that her son had been found hanging in the local park. We have no idea how he managed to climb a tree with a broken leg, but he must have been determined. It's been 6 years now. I miss him every day. He was the most annoying, wonderful, infuriating, sexy, happiest person I know.

Yes drug addicted "porn models" and unemployed broke ass adults living with their parents are the sexiest and happiest people right up until they kill themselves.

I think my brother may soon. I believe he is an undiagnosed borderline. He claims some doctor diagnosed him as bipolar in his twenties - but he’s never been happy so I question that. He also has no idea what doctor gave him this diagnosis - and we just don’t think he ever went to one..

He’s now 44. He’s been miserable lacking empathy his entire life. My father died in December and he’s just spiraled downward since. He quit his job a few months before that and stopped paying all of his bills.

He’s been living with my parents for most of his life, save a few years when he lived with his girlfriend. She threw him out 4 years ago when their son was 5 months old. She didn’t want their son exposed to his horrible temper, moods and instability .

With my father dying we are getting ready to sell the house. My childhood home. We are nearing the end of cleaning it up and plan to list in a couple weeks. He took off on Sunday and has been drinking and living in his car ever since. Sending cryptic text messages to my sister who lives 6 hours away, and to his ex girlfriend. He wants nothing to do with any of us and has said he’s “done with these people” - and went on to say he’s at peace with the long term implications it will have. (Meaning he’s at peace with hurting my mom by these actions).

This has been the worst week of my life since my father passed away in December. He’s hurt my mom so much. But the thing is he’s spent the last 40 years hurting my parents. He’s always been a mean person with a horrible temper - to the point my parents were scared of him. I remember I was away at college and he broke my dad’s arm. My dad couldn’t work for 6 weeks (he was a contractor) but this is just unforgivable that he’s doing this to my mom, especially right now.

He had a suicide attempt 4 years ago after he was thrown out by his girlfriend, he’s has been in inpatient psych treatment etc.. my moms tried everything to help him. I think he will kill himself very soon.

I want more of R150’s hillbilly poetry.

r183 your post made me very sad. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

R183

I am so sorry you are dealing with all that. I hope you have someone near to talk to and share some of this grief.

R183, my borderline sister did herself in at age 37. Her life was filled with her own version of the things you described about your brother. My response to it all closely resembles yours. It has taken years of work, in therapy and out, to get past those feelings.

I realized that there was something profoundly manipulative about the crises my sister spun with such ease. The worse she acted out, the more of my mother's attention she consumed. And I resented it. Even when I was not clear that I felt that way, it was there. Being the good one gets you appreciation. But not so much attention. The attention gets sucked up by the one in crisis. (Who is probably not getting much appreciation.) It's not fair. But it's not about fairness. Parents are parents and they act like parents. They love their children. They respond accordingly when their children are in danger. And good parents don't choose between children. You can't fault them for that. And you can't fault your brother for being mentally ill. Do not fault yourself for having your own emotional response to all this trauma. It is nomal, expected, and well earned. You will go on to manage it better than your brother has ever been able to manage anything.

It seems your family members have been doing the best they can with something that is uncontrollable and unacceptable and thoroughly unpalatable. Until the end of my mother's life, she could grow pensive and ask, "What more could I have done? I did everything I could for her. What more could I do?" I can admit now that when I heard that, I quietly seethed. My sister could even steal attention from beyond the grave. But our mother was a devoted parent who loved her mentally ill daughter as much as she loved me. The fact that her love and devotion to her child made her that child's most frequent target and dumping ground and punching bag is irrelevant to a parent loving a child. It's fine that I felt defensive of my mother. But it took me a long time to understand that the relationship between my mother and sister had nothing to do with me. My feelings about any of it were not ever going to influence their relationship. It was uniquely theirs. Just as the relationship between my mother and I was uniquely ours.

It was difficult to untangle all of that and find a way to accept it. And it seems you still have another shoe waiting to drop. That choice, to the degree it is a choice, is uniquely your brother's. His choice. His responsibility. The pain, however, will be spread far and wide. But not the blame. That is his.

I wish you all the luck in the world in the days and years ahead.

R187.. Fantastic post. You have good insight and wisdom. Thank you.

Agreed, that was beautiful r187 . You've given me a lot to think about.

A very sweet old lady from my neighborhood killed herself after her husband died. She ran the car in the garage but sadly no one discovered her body for 2 weeks. I'll never forget that smell.

And another neighbor jumped off a bridge, leaving behind his wife and kids. They moved and sadly, the dog ran away and we found it in their old yard. It really missed his dad.

R187

Thank you so much for everything you’ve said here. Means a lot. He’s now on day 5 of living in his car. And drinking. He even had the bartender text my mom tonight.. the bartender was a good friend of my fathers. Unfortunatly they have no idea what’s been going on. It’s like he is two different people - one to the outside world, that can appear somewhat normal and socially engaging - and then one to his family - abusive, hot tempered, miserable, dismissive and unstable. It’s hard because no one knows what he’s like but my family. I’m sure he’s trashing my entire family to people right now for whatever perceived slight he’s enraged about. I wish I could tell this bartender (my dad’s good friend) what has really been going on.

I feel like I’m always walking under dark oppressive clouds and things never get better. I don’t really have anywhere or anyone to turn to so I don’t know what I’m going to do if I can’t get past this...

My cousin, in his early 20s, killed himself by jumping off a fourth floor balcony. He had drug problems. Wish I could have helped him, he even stayed with me for awhile. He had a troubled childhood— mom in jail and absent father..

This thread made me realise that my only sibling who killed himself at 35 had spent our whole relationship since childhood basically pressuring me not "to shine".

Feared me "outshining" him his entire life. As we reached adulthood in our late 20s & early 30s he had absolutely no control over dousing my natural light. Looking back now, I just realised this was one of his actual nails in his coffin. I was a complete innocent and unaware of this "competition" he had going on in his own delusional mind.

R3 here was the catalyst.

God Bless You R3

My mom had a childhood friend who was like an aunt to us. Her husband was very successful in business in San Frnancisco, and they had two healthy, bright kids. He would always buy us lavish presents when we visited and bring us to restaurants, etc.; very generous.

He slid into depression when his company changed hands years later and his job evaporated. I don't know if he tried and failed to get other jobs, or he felt he was too old to begin again or what ... but after trying different meds for a few years, he taped a note on the garage door for his family not to come in, but rather just to call the polikce. He hung himself.

I guess that job was his whole identity, despite a wholesom looking family. I always thought it was sad that he did so well at his job for decades, then it suddenly wasn't there and he felt that that was his whole life. I can only assume he was good at it.

Interestingly, though he suicided, he had excellent insurance and they paid his widow his substantial policy.

One thing I've learned from DL over the years....

It's "hanged," not "hung" when referring to humans.

"She hanged herself."

That said, this thread is quite compelling.

They lack ADAPTABILITY

Adaptability=Survival

Hugs to everyone. And love.

Back in February an acquaintance shot himself in the face parked in his truck in a parking lot. During Memorial Day last year, he and I, along with other friends, spent the entire weekend together clubbing, drinking and partying and so I got to know him reasonably well.

He was 27, worked at a tech company, and seemed well adjusted and happy. We bonded over the fact that we had deadbeat dads and were both from Indiana.

There was nothing, literally nothing during the three days that we hung out that would lead me to believe he was suicidal. So when I heard of his suicide I was shocked.

The other suicide Is actually semi famous. In 2003, I sat behind a guy named Taylor Hooten. He was a popular baseball player at Plano West in suburban Dallas and hung himself after his girlfriend broke up with him. Later, it was revealed he was taking steroids and his parents believe that steroid abuse contributed to his suicidal tendencies. There’s now a foundation named after him that his dad Don runs.

I know a bunch who committed suicide. Their deaths were NOT a "relief" at all, they were tragic and senseless. Depression kills especially when drug addiction is involved, especially if they're depressed about not being able to stay sober off of drugs.

If you know anyone in bad shape there's always Dignitas. More people should be aware of it. And it does happen to be the case that many desperate individuals feel comforted just knowing the service is available to them.

The application process is a bit complex, as they cannot accommodate everyone who wants to go there. To my surprise (and some controversy) they do accept some depressed people, though it is very rare (highly treatment resistant cases). They use nembutal, which is not available commercially or via Rx anymore. Veterinarians use it for euthanasia here in the USA, and suicidal people used to buy it in Tijuana before the pharmacists in Mexico realized what they were really using it for & stopped selling it (and even getting Codeine in Mexico is a production, now). Nembutal takes minutes to work (or less). It's the most humane way to go. There are other ways to obtain it but I'm not sure what I can really post here.

You're stuck here.

R203 Too bad nembutal isn't more widely available. I support intensive therapy and medication for those who desire it but there are a small minority of people who just aren't going to make it . Forcing someone to endure an existence they hate, waking up everyday wondering what happens if they make an attempt and then fail, is inhumane. In some cases, the constant anxiousness over being unable to peacefully escape a terrible existence actually makes people worse. Suicide is inevitable for a small number of people and forcing them to jump off a building or hang themselves isn't any kinder.

I did but he died.

Well, if that depressing view in OP's photo was the same one I had to look at everyday, I'd commit suicide!

On a serious note, I knew two people who committed suicide. A single woman who couldn't get her married lover to leave his wife, she drank herself into oblivion and slit her wrists. Another woman who worked in the art field jumped out a window. Not sure of the circumstances, think she was coked out her mind.

Another woman, I didn't know well, she was a friend of a friend. In her 20s, her face was mangled in a horrific car accident. Despite numerous surgeries, her face looked like it was melting. Yet she always had a BF, a good job and seemed to function. Out of the blue, she committed suicide.

A lady I worked with. Stunning redhead, beautiful luminescent skin. She was an admin assistant to a pretty nasty older woman. I found out long after I'd left that she'd supposedly had some disagreement with her mother, was living hy hersel and one day they foud her unresponsive. I was shocked. She was very kind hearted, sweet, and loved making everyone's like at work better.

You just never know what's going on behind the smile and semblance of "normalcy."

^^^^^Sorry for spelling errors.

r209

I had a man who was my mentor in business and helped me immensely. One day my mentor's son called my office and my staff person told me who it was and I picked up the phone thinking it was a business question for me. He told me that he had a relationship with a female student at the high school where he was a teacher/coach. I was surprised and as the conversation proceeded he told me he was going to kill himself. I tried to talk him into not doing that but he was going to do it. He told me his wife was going to be home in 30 minutes. I hung up the phone and called my father (who was best friends with my mentor and of course knew his son well) I told him about the conversation and I met my Dad at her house. I wasn't sure if he killed himself at his house or where. We were there about 5 minutes before her. She invited us in and offered us coffee not even asking why we were there. His car wasn't there and I had to tell her what her husband told me. He said he left a tape recorder on an open bible in the bedroom with his wedding ring. She listened to the tape which was the story he told me. We got notified by the state police that his car was found on a bridge and he had jumped over and two Navy guys went in after him but the jelly fish were so bad that it was hard to swim after him. When he saw them he went under and died. I was leaving the next day for a trip to Vienna, Austria which I cancelled. He was a two time American baseball player in college. Sad...

r211, the wife didn't sound too upset, was she?

I've been a Dignitas member for years primarily to support their work and to help keep them afloat. The annual fee is small.

The application for service is simple and straight forward. Nothing complex about it IMO. Plus I am not aware that there's a problem to accommodate those seeking help. The number of those served aren't as great as many may imagine

There was a documentary about it that made it seem like they were very busy and had a lot of paperwork to deal with. I thought I saw it on YouTube but now I can't find that specific one. They showed the small house & a patient take the anti-vomiting pills and then wait a while and finally take the nembutal on a small bed and people were holding her on either side. They passed away quickly and were checked by the nurse after that. The file room was upstairs, I believe (or maybe in another location?), a nd they had these circular kind of bookshelves with 100s of binders full of many patient files, and I think this is when the narrator commented that it's difficult to get in due to how much correspondence they get & how much they have to verify.

This is all from memory going a while back though - do you recall the documentary I am talking about?

Was it How to Die in Oregon? If so, it was also streaming on Netflix like... four years ago or so. That's when I saw it.

I used to live in Switzerland and understand how exact the Swiss authorities are with any administration. Every I needs dotting and every t needs crossing with the Swiss. No wonder there is a long waiting list.

Dignitas is a great organisation. They do tremendous work, under difficult circumstances for people in the most tragic situations.

I had a friend back in my closeted college days who commited suicide (we met at one of the two gay bars in town)). This was 2003 or so and I had known him for about a year (we both snuck out to gay bars on the DL and became close as we were in similar situations - closeted, members of a fraternity, horrified of being caught but too horny to deny ourselves any longer..). He had been diagnosed with HIV recently and just couldn't deal with it. His issues were multi-pronged: His family didn't know (or at least he never told them) that he was gay and they were crazed evangelicals (much like my own family). He was very attractive, but being honest about his diagnosis left him with few sex/hookup prospects (this was a mid-sized town in Florida, not a major metropolis). Some nasty individual maliciously leaked both that he was gay and even worse - that he was pos to his fraternity (we were both seniors in college) and that basically destroyed his social life outside of the few of us who stayed close to him. The gossip spread like wildfire throughout the Greek community and really throughout the university I would guess. I was in a rival fraternity but by my senior year I had really distanced myself in order to have some sort of authentic life (well, as best as I could before finally coming out 4 years later anyway). Ultimately, leading a closeted life was very hard on him to begin with and the public shaming basically ruined him. His family lived less than 50 miles away and he knew that it was just a matter of time before they were informed of his evil "sins" as well. Nonetheless, no one expected something this horrible and we all (like 6 or 7 of us who stuck with him during his miserable period of life) were blindsided when he was found hanging from rope in his bathroom. The funeral was horrible - most of his family were so embarrassed by the revelations that they were cold and nasty to all of us; it was clear that we were not at all welcome (none of us were exactly "stereotypically" gay anyway and a half of our little group was female anyway). His mother was the only one who made an effort to mourn with us and acknowledge that we loved him and vice versa. It was a horrible end to a beautiful life. He was 21 yoa.

^That was a tragic story. I hope your friend has found peace.

An artist friend who was very troubled. His husband, who was always busy working and seeking out status and celebrities, has curated the story of what happened, so I'm not sure just what went on, but I think of him every day. Our mutual friends acted like drama queens, and it was all about them. No wonder he did it. No one saw how badly he needed help.

r166, wouldn't you figure it wasn't meant to be and stop trying? It's jut not your thing man.

3 friends and a 4th friend, maybe, committed suicide. All gay men, all involved with each other in various ways, all died within a couple of years of each other. The two older ones, about a decade older than me and than the other two, got cancer. One developed pancreatic cancer and the other, I'm not sure, because he got very private about it. The secretive one, a longtime alcoholic, had been unhappy in his own way for years. He had always been hypercritical. It wasn't really a surprise when he did it. He was also very bright, with a doctoral-level education, ABD, ran a consumer agency, ran a used art/objet/furniture store and finally subsisted at home. The other one was a former Jesuit priest who was just brilliant, but he apparently decided enough was enough. We had no idea what he planned, he just did it, but he was the second one to go. It's very likely that he realized from the first suicide that he had a way out.

The 3rd was my age, not especially bright, like the other two, but very artistic and dreamy. He had been depressed for a long time and was alcoholic as well. He committed suicide after the other two. In some ways I think he was almost a copy cat. He and the more private one above used to drink heavily and listen to opera. He was not interested in treatment for his alcoholism or his depression. He grew up in a Catholic home on the east coast, one of 7 children, and I think he never found his place. He spent a year in college studying art, but he did not show great talent, although he had artistic skills.

The 4th died of a prescription drug overdose. He lived in a house owned by his parents and had always had a problem with drugs and alcohol. I met him through mutual friends, when I went to a party at his house (a different one owned by his parents). He liked to have fun and, in many ways, his parents enabled him. Then he began to have health problems (likely related to his history of drug abuse) and moved next door to his parents, but was taking a lot of heavy medication. The police were called with the overdose and called it suicide. His parents strongly disagreed, claiming it had to have been accidental. They were very nice people, middle class, and it hit them very hard. I knew him well, but could see it being either accidental or intentional. He told me once that he would not survive another detox, although there was no indication that he was about to have to go through this. He did suffer intense pain at times, though.

This thread is really weird to me. I'm in my early 50s and met a lot of people, and have a lot of friends. Life has often been tough, but thankfully no-one I know has ever committed suicide. Heartfelt feelings to everyone who has contributed to this thread.

Frankly, I'm surprised I don't know more suicides. There's been plenty of attempts in my family, so I was a little desensitized to it from an early age, frankly.

But only the most distant of acquaintances have actually done it.

I knew a boy named billy joe, who jumped off the tallahatchie bridge after he had been with a man!

R223, stay away from San Francisco.

How else are you supposed to leave your heart in San Francisco?

My cousin and aunt. My uncle killed himself too but that was before I was born. With my aunt it was always something everyone expected even though they were upset. She was unhappy most of her life and had tried committing suicide a number of times. She even had electro shock therapy. My cousin was always in trouble and I lost touch with him in his late teens but I was shocked by his suicide. I knew he struggled with drugs and had been in and out of prison. His mom was my aunt who killed herself and he found her.

Uh no. It had as all crying and shaken.

Worst feeling ever.

I've had a friend die by suicide and also two students. They were all terrible shocks.

A coworker’s daughter hung herself in their kitchen.

I’m considering it because of my horrible tinnitus. It’s unbearable.

R232 Do you have painkillers, baby? What have you tried? Can you get you some liquor? Does that help? Some cannibis? Take 5 ibuprofen. That's prescription strength if you aren't on anything else.

Don't you dare die. I'm praying for you.

Hanged, not hung. Hanged.

R233, what exactly will the 5 Ibuprofen do?

R235 Results: Significantly less suicidal ideation was reported in patients treated with ibuprofen, naproxen, celecoxib, or aspirin (NSAIDs) compared to acetaminophen (a non-NSAID).

Apologies R235.

I haven’t tried painkillers for it R233. I had an appointment yesterday and was told to basically deal with it. My hearing is fine and they found no fluid in my ear. I had an MRI years ago to check for a tumor. Nothing. It’s getting louder and I’m losing my mind.

Apologies R234. Whoops.

Had a work out buddy who claimed to be straight but was kept by an older man, who was already in a long term relationship. As far as I know the guy I knew never put out. He was very good looking, had an incredible body at a time way before that was commonplace and was genuinely charming. The older man died and his partner threw my friend out. Can’t really blame him. Friend wanted to be an actor but wasn’t making it and wasn’t getting any younger. Took an overdose but it didn’t work so he slit his wrists.

Work colleague inherited a large property when his parents passed away. Sold it, took redundancy pay from his job as well and had enough money never to work again. He was about 40 and had a fixed rent flat in the centre of London. He became a recluse, gambled online every night, went through all the money in months, put a plastic bag over his head and inhaled laughing gas to kill himself.

Childhood friend went on to be something of a ‘celebrity’ known for dressing and behaving outrageously. Was an on and off heroin addict. Shot up smack and coke together and died. Could have well been accidental but some thought he was too aware of the dangers of using too much after being off the stuff. Others think he was given a hotshot.

My cousin was disowned by his family for being gay ( came to live with my family ), struggled with depression, fell out of touch with everyone and took an overdose in his 40s. Sadly, he was living just near where I worked. I wish I had known.

R232 I think they need to know it's a bit bigger of a deal than what they think it is.

Now I'd the time to be as big of a bitch as you want to be. Go to that ER and say "Hey, my tinnitus is so bad I'm considering SUICIDE!" Raise hell like a bitch!! It's allowed.

If they can't help you go try to score some heroin first. You were suicidal anyway so the risk of getting shanked is worth it.

R232 Get you some LSD, some shrooms, something. Try a reset.

Can you get in touch with an audiologist that can do TRT (Tinnitus Retraining Therapy) retraining for your tinnitus?

No, it was deeply hauntingly sad. Suicide basically makes it harder for the surviving friends.

Yes a few.

My cousin's husband killed himself. She found out that he was having an affair and confronted him about it. He went out into the barn and shot his head off with a double barrelled shot gun.

A close friend, who was a porn producer, took an overdose. I had been out with him for a drink around Soho, London on the Tuesday afternoon. He was fine, no history of mental health problems. He rang his mum in another town far away after taking loads of prescription drugs and GHB. He was chatting to her on the phone as he drifted off. By the time the police found him, he was dead.

My Fuckbuddy killed himself in 2013. We were chatting away one Sunday night, about meeting up and having some fun. He'd broken his leg a few weeks before and was going to have his cast off the following week. He was staying at his mum's temporarily. I find the following details from his mum and the Coroner's report.

On the Monday morning his mum went out to do some shopping. "I'll get the lunch for us" he said to her. When she got back at 12:30 he wasn't in and there was no lunch. At 1pm, there was a knock at the door. Two policemen stood there. She said to me that she knew instantly what they were gonna say.

My friend had hobbled to the park on his crutches. He found a tree and managed to hang himself, somehow, god knows how. I've never asked about the gruesome details. When I phoned the Coroner's office I was told he died by 'suspension' a kind way to ease the pain, I guess.

His mum and I had no clue he was going to do that. He left no note. He liked to party, but there were no mental health signs, no unhappiness, nothing. It was such a shock to us. To me. I miss him everyday. Even now.

His mum and I chat on the phone at Christmas, on his birthday and on his death day since 2013. Not maudlin, just happy memories. Funny stories. We've both done the 'what if he'd of only said something' but both of us know, that there was no sign and no way of being able to have stopped him.

She has his ashes at home and she takes some each birthday to 'his tree' and scatters them in remembrance. Its affected me pretty badly, but I know that wherever he is, he's in a happier place for him. Rob, I miss you very much.