Let's pretend we are INFLUENCERS

I'm the lack of actual skills!

I majored in marketing

Are young people today just waiting around to be led by INFLUENCERS?

What the hell?!

Let's "pretend"? 0/10, OP, start another one titled "Let's BE influencers."

Yes, because the correct verbiage on “Let’s pretend” games is SOOO critical.

Sheeesh....

Start it over and do it right.

I’m the Detox Tea that will give you diarrhea and LITERALLY transform your entire mind, body, and soul. Use code: ANOREXIA to save 15%! #ad

I'm Goop. the proto-Influencer

I'm the passing thought of what the hell would I have done before social media? I don't last more than a second.

I'm the utter outrage when I'm expected to pay for something.

I'm the personal opinions passing for legitimate knowledge.

I am a thirst trap and flash my sex characteristics but then make a long ass paragraph about motivation or self empowerment. Then proceed to get mad when guys proposition me and blast them on my stories

I'm the USC student who just learned that "rowing" has something to do with people in a boat. Who knew?

I'm the intro that always includes "with that being said" and "without further ado, let's get into it!!!"

Has some claimed "Paddling into fall" yet?

"I am DECEASED over that new concealer, gurl!"

"Miss Thang, where THE FUCK is my Pinkity Drinkity?"

I'm pretending to be a Kardashian!

Is this how we do it?

I’m a palette of eye shadow

I'm the fake veganism

I'm the vegan post written in ALL CAPS

I'm the real thing.

I’m the one who poses in every single photo in a thong bikini with my back to the camera. Sometimes I stand on stairs and pose with the bottoms of my feet showing so the foot fetishists can get a thrill.

I arch my back and show off my ass no matter what else is happening in the photo. The camera lens focuses on my ass and everything else seems further away. Even in pictures of me with my boyfriend, the picture focuses on my ass with my boyfriend in the background somewhere, gazing admiringly at my ass. I used to take pictures of my front, or wearing very revealing abbreviated clothes, but not so much anymore. I have never been seen in regular street clothes, although my real job requires business attire.

Now I just wear a thousand thong bikinis, which are one of the things I get free for modeling. Sometimes I promote makeup, tea or something else wearing a thong. All the comments are young guys talking about how they want to fuck me.

My mother thinks I’m wholesome.

All influencers are pretenders pretending they have influence.

Ergo, let's pretend we're pretenders.

I’m vapid.

Hi sisters !

I'm the demand, "Don't forget to like and subscribe!"

I'm the back acne exposed on my backless Miou-mitski gown that I couldn't see when I was applying concealer because even though I have 562K followers I have no actual friends to help me out.

R26, and “follow the link (to my YouTube page so I can make some money).”

I'm the click bait title that gets you to click on my video that has nothing to do with the title.

Also the title is perfect because "Influencers" are just pretenders as they pretend to influence anyone.

I’m celery juice.

I'm a young mom influencer who poses with my baby while making sure to show prominent cleavage.

I’m R31’s cousin, APPLE CIDER VINEGAR. I cure everything.

i never buy products pimped by influencers

I’m R32. Misogynists just can’t understand that’s its impossible to breastfeed without completely pulling the entire breast out in the most public place I can find. It can’t be done.

I know all the staff at the rent-an-office/business club where I take over a corner and think it's my office.

I'm the parents' house in which I have my studio (bedroom)!

I’m the adorable royalty-free chimes ‘n’ whistles music that signals what a whimsical, carefree waif I am, even though I’m fast-approaching 30!

I'm the employmentphobia.

I'm the complete lack of ethics and morals that allows me to shill for any product as long as I'm getting compensated for it.

Question? does EVERY girl get surgery today? Everywhere I go all these girls have big butts slim waists black or blonde Kardashian like hair. My gym confuses me like a motherfucker. Every girl looks like these insta models. Btw why are thong bikinis acceptable in public? Don't give me that body shaming crap!

I'm the assumption that, being male, going on a date with a guy will inspire "shock" and "awe".

[quote]—This is actually somebody I know.

Oh you can't just get away with that. We need a name.

I’m the mass email sent to every hotel in the area I’d like to go on vacation, offering promotion on my website in exchange for a free week-long stay in your best suite.

R41, the last one I saw was so low cut in front, if she had any pubic hair, half of it would be showing. And a really uncomfortable looking thong with a thick strap. It looked like a diaper was jammed between her legs.

I know her, and she makes a ton of money in private business and doesn’t need to do that. At all.

R43, she isn’t a famous actress or anything like that. I’d love to show you but I can’t. Her family would come after me. They think it’s great.

I'm the deep love for LL Bean, boat shoes, cashmere sweaters, polo matches, monogrammed linen and Newport, Rhode Island.

I say things like "clapped back" and wear a porkpie hat.

I am the cute little pose where I look down at my pigeon-toed espadrille-clad feet and twirl my pastel summer dress while playing with a lock of bleach-blonde hair and laughing self-deprecatingly because I'm just so fucking cute but I don't want anyone to think I have a great big fucking swollen cunt of a head.

I am the curated picnic lunch with lavender lemonade served in Mason jars and a dozen people who are not as attractive as they think they are. Soon the bees will find me and sting my useless ass.

I'm SWIPE UP

I'm the yoga pose in front of a major tourist attraction.

I'm SLAYING Monday like a BOSS, with the most AWESOME Kombucha in one hand and my rescue pitbull doggo in the other.

I'm a surprise link to my OnlyFans page.

I am the love for your content! Drop me a line and we'll discuss ways in which I can help get you 1,000,000 followers.

I am a cocktail made with ketchup, Oreos, mayonnaise, Stove Top Stuffing or some other non-cocktail-related ingredient. I fail to go viral.

I'm the trip to Coachella. Still shots for Instagram, videos to YouTube.

Everything is so cute!!!

I am Amber Lancaster, a former pro football cheerleader, borderline washed up actress, and aging hostess on The New Price is Right. Virtually everything I post on Instagram is a promotion for something, and I post about 20 stories or pictures a day. I don't ever tag these posts as "ads" as Instagram rules require.

I recently asked my followers what they hate about instagram posts, and I got a torrent of responses, and lampooned many of the behaviors my followers complained about. I was unaware that many of the posts they complained about were exactly the sort of things I do daily.

I am #blessed. I'm everywhere - the sun rises, the coffee goes into the cup, the dog does not shit directly on your foot.

#blessed.

I'm like a silent but deadly spiritual fart.

I'm the jealous influencer trying to be shady:

Lmk if u need concealer, Olivia Jade. #sephora has it on sale 💚💕😙

I’m the super shiny gold or pearl highlighter on the running across the top of the cheeks and the tip of the nose in nearly every photo.

I'm the opening of parcels on camera.

I'm "HEY GUYS"

I'm expensive children's clothing being returned after the photo shoot.

I have poo on me now.

:(

I'm multiple children as living, breathing props to gain followers.

We have poo on us too.

:(

I am the eye shadow THAT IS BREAKING THE INTERNET!

I'm the eyes coyly tyrned down and to the right of the photo, accompanied by a smug little smirk.

I'm Might Delete Later!!

I'm Monetization. I'd never heard this word five years ago -- now it's my religion.

I'm trawling for compliments.

I’m the ugly friend, taking 4,892 shots until we get the right lighting and angles for the next post.

Hey I’m happy to have any part of Insta-game.

I curate Spotify Playlists for GAP!

I'm the air quotes!

I'm bullshit acronyms.

I'm all the girls, who spend a small fortune to look like $20 whores.

I'm the $20 whores, deeply offended by the comparison.

I'm the 10 paragraph intro that rambles on and on describing the benefits of a gluten free lifestyle before finally getting to a really basic recipe for sliced apples sprinkled with brown sugar.

#I #am #the #endless #stream #of #hashtags #most #ofwhich #aretotally #useless

I am an Ariana Grande ponytail.

I live in a van and traveled to 31 countries last year, all of which had warm sandy beaches.

I'm the ring light.

I am the "much needed" vacation. Because alternating smug smiles and yelling instructions to the unpaid photographer really take it out of you.

Speaking of vacation, I'm the all expenses paid trip to Dubai/Ibiza/Paris for some new beauty product launch and the subsequent flood of IG photos during and after said trip. #blessed

I am the obligatory set of magnetic false eyelashes that everyone hates, but everyone is obligated to do a demo video of.

I hate these fuckers

I'm the narcissistic cunts who ruin whole ecosystems with my stupid photos.

I'm the cartoonish eyebrows drawn on top of the 10 step skincare routine and the 5 layers of makeup spackle. Now let me show you how I draw on my clown lips.

I am the word "yummy".

I am the twink with no shirt on leaning out a window into the sunlight and thinking about how it's what's inside that matters as my exquisite torso gleams in the light.

I am something Marilyn Monroe never said and never would have said that actually came from a cult 80's film but is now attributed for reasons that remain unclear to Marilyn Monroe.

I am the pensive look into the distance featured in the black and white photograph. Sometimes there are crashing waves.

I'm the VW Westfalia Camper who started its life in an honest fashion who is now an Instaho

I’m the emotional “living my truth” admission.

I'm the small matter of the fact that my unpaid photographer/slave, i.e., "spouse" is leaving me because they're fed up with my fictionalized bullshit existence and narcissistic drivel. I will be transformed into a sobby series of self-pitying posts disguised as inspirational relationship self-critique.

I'm the cat food these idiots will be living on in their dotage.

I'm the dark lipliner against light lipstick that is unbelievably trashy, but these whores think is fashionable.

I'm the chummy, humble-brag laced, yet authoritative up-speak, with a peppering of vocal fry. I add an air of post-Instagram-stories-era authenticity, regardless of how old I am or where I come from.

I’m the verbal tic of interjecting a halting “so....yeah” between every other thought.

R94 is behind the times. I’m the famewhore spouse that is riding the coattails of my famewhore spouse. We link to each other’s famewhore accounts and famewhore each other out.

Later, at least one or both of us will be caught cheating with a newer, cooler famewhore. Then, and only then, will come the shocked recriminations. And our cute famewhore infants and toddlers, created especially to model clothes and pose next to mommy, will be shocked as well. Who could ever see this coming when you’re married to a narcissistic famewhore?

R90, yes it’s from Heathers.

If there were crackheads and $20 whores with insta accounts, THAT I would follow.

R100 Tokyo Toni has an instagram.

[R100] I wonder what Heather Chandler would be like on Instagram. I'd like to think it would be a hilarious stream of invective punctuated by drunken lesbian confessions. And some amazing jackets.

[R95] I'm the cat. They'll have to fight me for it.

I'm the term 'reaching out' that gets used again and again and again. As in "Yo Mallory, this is Hailey. Just reaching out to see if you've had time to to review my proposal about the Mason jar photo shoot. Circle back to me! Hugs"

I’m Ingrid. Thanks to you motherfuckers I decided to go West. I’m now an even bigger loser. But at least I’m famous for it. So thanks! 🏝 ☀️👄#blessednotblessed

[quote]Are young people today just waiting around to be led by INFLUENCERS?

Yes.

I am the 10 minute long intro about ME, followed by "hacks" that I copied from accounts that pay 1000s of professional arts and crafters. It so nice to go straight to the "hack" that works. Let's not worry about all the failure the HGTV YouTube went thru to get tp the one that works.

Let me show you how you can make a candelabra from Dollar Store finds. (It doesn't look cheap IRL, it really doesn't!)

I’m the side hustle!

Have you tried essential oils?

I'm Sgt. Pupper, waiting for Max and Andres to get home from South Korea AGAIN. Or is it South Beach? You think it's fun living in kennels (or with roommates)?

We're the people at your gym. We don't want to be in the background of your fucking pics.

I'm the palm against which every item of makeup shall be presented. You know, because they would be completely invisible without me.

I'm James, and I'm a make up ARTIST. I leaked my own sex tape getting fucked cowgirl style, and then cried, and acted so distraught that it's out there for everyone to see. I'm as fake as a publicity photo of Madonna.

I’m the set of (photo) presets that give my IG grid that light, airy, over-exposed look to all my photos ! It’s part of my brand!

I am Runyon Canyon Park.

Please for the love of God, sell me to developers.

I'm the heavily promoted yoga school that "changed my life", whereas the truth is that it was losing my job, the medically-supervised detox, months of counselling and taking up yoga to fill in the time I used to spend drinking that changed my life. Namaste.

I am 25% OFF WHEY PROTEIN TIL MIDNITE TONIGHT ENTER THIS CODE

I'm the architecturally quaint town that everyone knows about but which these fucking idiots just discovered and think is somehow "off the beaten path".

I'm a LEGEND. Also, ICONIC.

I'm laughing with my mouth open so wide you can see my bladder.

I'm the crying in the car because I had to wait too long at Starbucks or at the post office to pick up my PR packages and I was just not in the mood, okay?

I’m the rough day that was just had. Let me explain in an exhausting post filled with first-world problems most of us would kill for on our best day.

This is me at work

Presented without comment

I'm the bait-and-switch music link that takes you to Spotify.

I'm the weekly "I know you think I'm perfect, but my struggle is real. I'm just like you. Now buy my shit." post.

[quote]🤪 you’d think that I would start a @toneitup fitness challenge on time... but the reality is I’m still trying to figure out this whole working mommy thing~ and I think it may just be my new normal. between the final hustle week to get the challenge launched, hosting Easter, taking care of Bella ‘round the clock, sleep training (aka not sleeping), meetings, and work... I didn’t start the Summer Series til NOW. I’m late. I’m messy. I haven’t meal prepped. I haven’t worked out except for last night’s live. I still need to get my protein!!🙈 but girls, I’m committed. 🙌 If you’re starting today with me~ or even this weekend, it’s never too late. you don’t need to start on Monday— that mentality is out the window! we need do what we can in the moments we find for ourselves, no matter what day it is. life happens and you need to do YOU. so I wanna know, who wants to start the Summer Series with me TODAY?! sign up at the link in my bio 🤗🙌 and if your life looks like this pic... I get it and we can do this together. Xx #tiusummerseries #tiuteam #tiumom

R102 I think she’d be an extremely harsh Life Coach on Insta and then become a huge hit. Or a web therapist like Lisa Kudrow or Andrea Martin in Difficult People but way meaner. She’s be a huge hit and spin off into a mini industry liKe Maria Kondo. All her sub contracted therapist minions would be forced to wear those jackets too.

R125 - The child's name is Bella. That says it all. :)

I'm a black vegan chef who spent years in culinary school & posts incredible recipes. I get 1/100 of the likes and followers of blonde, blue-eyed college dropouts who post pictures of store bought smoothies.

I'm Scarlett!!!

I'm the lack of crack.

I’m the designer handbag that placed at just the right angle next to the most amazing avocado toast at that super cool place in the arts district.

On that note, what do you make of a “friend” who always holds her bags in EVERY picture with the logo prominently displayed? It could be a casual shot at a birthday and there she is, clutch in hands, logo outward. Beach shot? There’s the bag. Every single time.

*that’s not that. Sorry!

I’m a #woke #millennial who spends every “woke” moment whoring myself out for billion-dollar corporations who even tell me which hashtags to use, and when. #starbucks #afternooncoffee #nitro #coldbrew

I married wealthy. I'm a naricissitic whore. I am defined by what I buy. I am nothing.

I’m a socialite — what influencers were called 15 years ago. Now there’s a new “stigma word.”

I call that “The Kardashian Hold” r131. The MASSIVE handbag on the wristbone, just so, so everyone can see the label.

Nobody, but nobody but the thirstiest carries a purse that way.

R136 It’s revolting. Nothing worse than what could have been a heartfelt photo be marred with this logo disorder and accompanying bitchy smize. I need to reevaluate that friendship.

(i love this thread) I'm the promocode #Sure, Jan.

[R102] More power to her!

I'm the 911 operator who has to explain why having your fucking insta account cancelled does not (in any way, shape or form) constitute a life-threatening emergency.

I'm cupcakes. I used to be the center of everyone's attention. Now I am alone with my memories. Everyone has moved on to geode cookies. Fuckers.

I am the new crappy fucking Taylor Swift song.

I'm the glass bubble I can't survive outside of.

"baked potatoes, MY WAY!", 16MM views, 2.8MM subscribers.

MY top 10 tips on how to pour the PERFECT glass of water...don't forget to subscribe below!

I’m the tiny blonde, tanorexic waif posing so my gleaming cleavage peeks over my child’s sized tank top, holding a huge plate of chili cheese fries as though I’m actually going to eat more than a bit before tossing them in the nearest garbage can. TREAT YOSELF!!!

Are you who I think you are, R146? If so, you've really outdone yourself with your latest creation — [italic]Mah Version'a Dirt Puddin', Done Mah Way.[/italic]

R148, no, but I'm well aware of her Youtube videos, lol

I'm tit thrust. Giggle!

We're not even a real family.

I'm a human resources department supervisor throwing any résumé that lists this into the paper shredder.

YOUR CLICK BAIT IS LITERAL VIOLENCE!

I'm the Fyre Festival logo. A whole advertising agency spent weeks trying to come up with me.

R115 My mom's neighbor is a drug addict that has been in/out of jail for years before landing in prison. She was released on Christmas. I've read her social media of "I love yoga/I'm blessed/life is beautiful" for years because it's fascinating how different she is in person.

I'm Andres Sanjaun. I have the body of a Michelangelo, the face of a Caravaggio and the personality of an slightly annoyed panther. I am currently slamming back beer on a beach and not wearing any pants. A shirt, but no pants. Go figure.

I'm Calloway!

Can anyone be worse than Elle Darby?

We don't have to pretend, let's be a real 'social media influencer'

I'm "Instagram eyebrows," outlined and pencilled in to look like cut-outs.

I'm Laura LoomerPOOF

I'm the pressing issue/topic so many of "you guys" have been asking about forever, SO (pause and deep breath)......here goes.....

I'm this quote:

"Hi guys, sorry I haven't posted in a while (insert long, boring, whiny explanation of some minor life trauma-drama that caused the absence, followed by a pledge never to ghost "you guys" again)."

I'm Adam Ellis's dead grandfather.

Will someone please tell me he is not responsible for my medical bills and to quit using me as an excuse to beg for handouts like some GoFundMe normie?

I'm all the times I cry quietly to myself and then log back in to tell you all about it.

I'm the curved background.

I’m CONTENT. (Pronounced “CON-Tent,” not “con-TENT”).

CONTENT is important to sponsors. Even though all it means is “any stupid shit I decide to post on any given day.”

CONTENT is king!

I'm twirling!! And laughing as I twirl!!!!

I'm offering daily giveaways of $10,000 - $30,000. Currencies are USD, AUD, GBP, JPY, EUR and CNY. Subscribe to my twitch channel and watch me play Fortnite! I'm chasing clout, baby! I'm making gravy without the lumps!

I'm Walmart. You can find the vast majority of the useless, vulgar trash these idiots are shilling in my badly lit aisles. They'll never admit it, of course.

I'm the feud I've started to get publicity for myself while damaging my rival at the same time.

A word to the haters who literally ruined my Mother's Day -

As you all know, I'm extremely shy and self-conscious. I am literally so fat and ugly that being forced to make a phone call causes me to vomit.* Catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror gives me an anxiety attack. There's literally nothing I hate more than being the center of attention. You, my followers, KNOW this about me. So why are you shaming me for sharing a completely innocent photo of my messy closet? Why are you accusing me of being something I'm not?

I posted it in a moment of feeling literally overwhelmed. I was reaching out, wordlessly begging for a bit of compassion and comfort, hoping that one of you would offer some gentle advice on how best to manage the mess of shoes all over the floor. In that moment, I literally didn't know what to do. I was literally sobbing as the hopelessness of the situation washed over me. In return, you shamed me. You gave me all the bad feels. You literally accused me — ME! — of attention-whoring. I can't. I, like, literally can't.

You'll be happy to know that your bullying has finally driven me from social media. I won't be back.

Goodbye,

Dakoduh-Rayne

R172 - Brilliant!

We’re the cancellations.

I’m doing Makeup for girls because it’s not like there is another 2 Billion girls doing makeup!

I'm Stephen Paddock. I should've waited for an "influencer" convention.

My #Samsonite is roomy enough for all my travel needs.