What would "A Christmas Carol" have been like if it had been written by Dataloungers?

Scrooge was a typical eldergay so not much would change

Scrooge would remain unchanged on Christmas Day and would rent a hustler to butter his goose instead.

Everyone says that the Ghost of Christmas Past looks 10 years younger than his actual age.

"Do you know the Cheesemaker's, in the next street but one, at the corner?" Scrooge inquired. "I should hope I did," replied the lad. "An intelligent boy!" said Scrooge. "A remarkable boy! Do you know whether they"ve sold the prize Wheel of Dragon Cheese that was hanging up there : the big one?" "What, the one as big as me?" returned the boy. "What a delightful boy!" said Scrooge. "It's a pleasure to talk to him. Yes, my buck." "It's hanging there now," replied the boy. "Is it?" said Scrooge. "Go and buy it."

Eldergeezer Screw Bob Crapshit Tiny Twink

Scrooge is me, and Bob Cratchit is my video editor, who has to work late on 12/24 so we can upload “Raw BB Meth Whores Part XXXVII” before Christmas.

Bob Cratchit is just a resentful cubicle queen.

He dressed himself all in his best earrings and caftans, and at last got out into the streets. The people were by this time pouring forth, as he had seen them with the Ghost of Christmas Present; and walking with his hands behind him, Scrooge regarded every one with a delighted smile. He looked so irresistibly pleasant, in a word, that three or four good-humoured fellows said with a poke of their umbrellas, "Move it along toots, nothing to see here." And Scrooge said often afterwards, that of all the blithe sounds he had ever heard, those were the blithest in his ears.

The story never would have progressed beyond the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Bob Cratchit wishes Scrooge would fire all the cubefraus

Marley, Scrooge's dead partner, greets him and mentions how fat Scrooge has gotten.

If you make a donation to Tiny Tim’s GoFundMe you will get an adowable blanket.

Cratchits wife would be the evil “frau” villain and Cratchit’s beard. Scrooge would obviously also be closeted.

Well, hell, if Marley showed up the way he did in the book and said three more just like him were hot on his trail, I'd be hiding in the fucking closet too.

R9 is correct, if only because Scrooge and Christmas Past will not stop discussing their fave episodes of THE GOLDEN GIRLS.

The Ghost of Christmas Future announces its preferred pronouns ("they" and "them") and responds to all of Scrooge's questions with "Okay, Boomer."

Tiny Tim's dad would be a rough top fisting Bob Crachit

The Ghost of Christmas Future would be pointing to a Christmas office party where Scrooge is slumped in a chair, barely touching his nonalcoholic punch, while Fraus in sequined ugly holiday sweaters completely surround him and natter about their favourite Hallmark Christmas TV movies and the crafting projects they're trying to finish before "Santy comes."

The book ends with Tiny Tim telling a reformed Scrooge "Oh, fank you!"

Tiny Timothee

Tiny Tim would be a twink.

Written by Dickings, it would be the story of Ebenezer Screwed, an eldergay miser who is visited by the ghost of his favorite former hookup from a personal ad in The Advocate. He’ll be shown condom-free bathhouse trysts from the Past, Chaturbate tokened private shows of the Present—and potential Future Gay4Pay partners who mistake him for being 30 years younger.

Liza as Mrs. Cratchit.

A Christmas Carol

Starring Billy Porter

Directed by Miss Lee Daniels

Tiny Tim was crippled by a kick to the cunt bone.

Tiny Tim is hung like a horse and nicknamed Kickstand Tim. His mom is Vivian Vance.

“I see a vacant mobility scooter,” replied the Ghost, “outside the DART tent, and a cane without an owner, carefully preserved. If these shadows remain unaltered by the Future, the womyn will die.”

Lucy is all set to play Mrs. Cratchit - but Gary talks her out of it.

When the Logo movie is made, the Ghost of Christmas Past will be played by the actual ghost of Leona Helmsley.

When the Ghost of Christmas Future shows Scrooge his own grave, Scrooge lets out a horrifying scream:

Whenever anyone wished Scrooge a Happy Christmas, he would have hissed at them.

Tuoo

“A merry Christmas, Uncle Scroogebottom! God save you!” cried a cheerful voice. It was the voice of Scroogebottom’s nephew, who came within him so quickly that this was the first intimation he had of his approach.

“Bah!” said Scrooge, “Surprise anal!”

Scrooge secretly lusts after Cratchit

The ghosts show him what life would be like if he were out instead of a sad closet case

The Ghost of Christmas Present is delightfully nonbinary.

Christmases Past and Future are both inhabited by the cast of “The Boys in the Band.”

Ghost of Christmas Past is Liza

Buck never would have worn the chain he forged in life!

Scrooge’s transformation would include a makeover music montage.

The Ghost of Christmas Past would have begun its conversation with Scrooge by screaming "Dammit, Janet!"

OMG LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So obvious....Scrooge and Marley were lovers and business partners.