Death of a Parent: Does it get easier?

It does. You get use to calamity. My mom passed away 4 + years ago but I'm adjusting a bit better than the first two years. The first two years were a real nightmare! But we each have our journey.

My father died a year ago this Thursday. We were close.

Sorry your loss has been so hard to bear, OP. I hope your good memories of him are a help to you.

Yes, OP, over time. Are you not better able to deal with it now after 3 years?

A death of a child is much easier.

The first Christmas after losing my father was unbearable. We couldn’t have a conversation without breaking down. He truly was the heart and soul of our family, and his loss was felt so deeply.

The second year, still tears, but we were able to laugh at the joyful memories, too. The third year, fewer tears, more laughter. Now, we still talk about him, still quote him, with love and gratitude for all the ways he influenced us, but without that agonizing sorrow we felt those first few years. And just before year # 3 without him, I had feared I would never stop grieving. But somehow it got better. I truly hope it does for you, as well.

Yes, R3 overall it has gotten much much easier. The first year after his death I would randomly cry quite frequently. The second year I felt good all year but got sad at Christmas. It is the same this year. I have been fine all year but now that the holidays are here I have a sense of melancholy. Still able to have fun and enjoy time with loved ones, but in the back of my mind I am sad for days gone by.

OP, it doesn't necessarily get better; it just gets...different. If the days still seem overwhelming, remember that they come one moment at a time. You may not ever get over this totally, but you will get through it.

Your father will express himself in both large and small ways; a dream, a coincidence, an overpowering feeling, the subtlety of an object, a shared experience. He's right there beside you always, and so are all of those who respect and support you.

I know for certain that we never lose the people we love, even to death. They continue to participate in every act, thought and decision we make. Their love leaves an indelible imprint on our memories. We find comfort in knowing that our lives have been enriched by having shared their's.

Stay strong.

OP I'd say it does and there are still times it'll catch me off guard, even though my dad's been gone for 20 years and my mother for 40.

Grief is a process, whatever that means. It probably doesn't mean it's like the movies where one day everything is fine again. But if you're really overwhelmed by the loss - and some people really are - consider a therapist. Not because there's anything wrong with you, but because a therapist may help guide you to a constructive path for healing.

If I had done this when my parents died, and I would have rejected every suggestion of it - it would have saved me a lot of pain.

You're lucky to be able to miss your parents. My grief at their deaths had more to do with wishing I'd been able to have better relationships with them and that they hadn't ended up in such isolated, fucked-up situations due to not being able to get along with anybody. But it made me examine myself and try to be more considerate and appreciative to my loved ones. Sometimes you appreciate what you have more when you're aware it doesn't last forever.

Sorry, OP. I hope time heals. I have yet to go through this and it's pretty unfathomable to me.

My Dad died suddenly on Christmas Day night in 2002 when I was 30 and it does get better. To be honest I rarely think about him.

Can't say that I'm typical though because my last Grandparent died when I was 9 in 1980, death has loomed pretty large all of the way through my life. Never be the youngest child of the youngest child in a family.

The holidays will always be different. This is the second year without my dad. Last Thanksgiving (a year ago) was the first holiday after his death. We pulled it together because that was what he would have wanted. But by last Christmas, it was very obvious that dad was the glue that held it together. This year at Thanksgiving, my brother's kids largely ruined the holiday like they seem to do for every family event. I am now dreading the upcoming Christmas holiday. I do it for both my mom and step-mother, but otherwise would otherwise prefer to pass on family events.

My mother died 38 years ago. I cried for four years and kept having dreams that it was all a big mistake and she was fine. In the first few years, Christmas was hard. My mom loved Xmas and always went all out. It gets easier with every passing year. I rarely think about my parents at all now. Both dead for years. My parents had the same birthday five years apart and I realized that I didn't pay attention to their birthday this year. For the last 3 years, I haven't thought of them at all. I am thankful that my dad isn't here to witness Trump. He ranted over Nixon like a crazy man, I can't even imagine how he would react to Trump.

OOPs! just wandered into this sappy thread.

r9, same here. There’s an element of relief and freedom. Maybe it’s better than abject grief.

It gets easier.

Three years is not a long time to recover from the death of someone very close. Good luck to you, OP.

Absolutely. It gets easier. Much easier. Your life moves in a different way and you always miss them but you build something without them and it gains perspective. My first few years without my mother were hard but also I learned to appreciate other aspects. Eldercare is very difficult and she died before that became an issue.

I was much closer to my grandmother than my mother. I lost my grandmother 10 years ago this holiday season and I still get teary-eyed when I think of her during this time of the year.

It depends on how close you were to the parent. Does it get easier? It's easier to replace the memory of the loss with life "things" on a daily basis but I don't think you ever get over it if you were really close and loved them.

My mom passed away 3 years ago 9.1, and I still miss her every day. But I don’t cry over her death , as the illness that took her was so horrible , it was a relief that her suffering finally came to an end. I loved her very much, and so much of who I am was because of her... in a way she lives on..

Yes, it does get easier. Both of my parents died relatively young. I feel happy for them that they never had to grow very old and die alone. Lately, I've been really missing them, though. As I get older, I appreciate them more.

You don't really ever get 'over' a death you just get used to it and in the end it's the new normal, it's just how long that process takes for you.

Having had many family members pass away, losing a parent was easier than others. Losing my siblings was much harder on me than I could ever have imagined. But in answer to your questions, yes, it does get easier as time goes by. It's just different.

I envy your sadness. My dad died 10 years ago and I still don't give a damn.

My sister died of cancer at age 29 some 25 years ago. Sometimes I think of her a lot and feel quite sad, and other times I don't remember her as much. They say a tincture of time heals all, but I know I have never healed from this loss.

My dad died 19 years ago. Also in January. The last time I’d seen him in person was Christmas the year before, due to a long distance move for work. As you know, that first year is hell....

So I understand how hard this time of year is, and felt guilt for not going back after the relocation (though there was no indication he’d be gone less than a month later). It gets generally easier, but this is a hard time of year due to the above, and then when other major life events happen.

Hugs, OP.

Hi OP, I grieved hard for my folks for about three years, then it got easier. It’s been 12 years and I still think of my folks most days, but not with more sadness than I can manage. Good luck.

It’s life. You only have one. Dwelling on what you are missing is not what your father would have wanted. Your partner can not understand yet - that is difficult gap. If he is kind and compassionate, he will try to understand.

Accept the grief - but be grateful you had him while you did. Lost father at 23, sister at 33, now brother is dying. All horribly sad. But dwelling on death means you’re not fully inhabiting the current life. Appreciate what you had - and what you have.

Mom and Dad both died at 94, a few years apart. All the kids were able to be there at the end for both. Dad was sharp as a tack until the end, Mom had early dementia, which made it tougher. The four of us kids were never really that close, but dealing with our folks declining years had brought us all together for awhile, which is what my dad always wanted. While we dealt with Mom and Dad's health issues , it seems we were on the phone with each other all the time. Since their passings, though, we seem to have less and less contact.

As for the sadness, it lessens. But suddenly out of the blue, something will hit me that gets me all emotional. It's strange how that works.

You can console yourself with the fact that your parents, and their parents, went through the same thing, and you just have to accept it and get on with things as a tribute to living, and what they would want you to do.

Yes, I don't feel the pain so acutely at this point. It's still there, but as several other peopled, it took me about 3 - 4 years before I stopped crying almost every day. I lost both of my parents only a few months apart, and that last year was absolute hell. for all of us.

It does get easier, OP.

I find as I get older that I wish I had a portal to go back in time. I miss my mom, who's been gone over a decade. I'm surrounded by lots of grumpy Scrooges but Mom was Christmas at our house, so I especially miss her now.

It hurts less, and I enjoy the moments where I can talk about her and my late sibling. It's what keeps them alive in our minds and hearts.

I want my mother to die. I wish it for my future. She is not kind to me and what love I had for her is long gone. This too can happen.

As a tangent, my last company Coventry Healthcare including Mutual of Omaha, was so cheap, they only gave 3 days paid leave for immediate family. I’m guessing you could take more unpaid, maybe. As an eldergay with years experience and less worry than 20 years ago about finding a subsequent job, I would have taken a week, regardless. I didn’t have a death while I worked there, but did, just before, and just after.

Imagine if the parents were across the country. One day to fly there, one day to bury him or her, and one day to fly back. No time to deal with the surviving parent, and all the shit that arises. My parents and grandmother died on holidays, and that stretched-out the process considerably. Plus, Catholics don’t bury on Sundays, and newspaper notices had to be published in advance, notifying of the service.

My thoughts are with you, OP. It does get easier. There may all always be an ache in your heart for your parents, bit gets duller. As many have already posted, the laughter and smiles will replace your tears.

My Dad died 22 years ago at 71. I was 34. I was living with my Mom and Dad at the time. The fact that my Mom and I had each other helped us through our grief. My Mom died three years ago, and I still cry randomly, but not as much as I used to. Have a good support network...family, friends, a lover if you have one. It helps. I try to stay busy. I haven't tried it, but my primary care doctor told me that therapy helps (she lost her husband around the same time as I lost my Mom)..

It's tough, but you'll get through it. Take comfort that you had a loving relationship with your parents. OP, you're a better man for it.

You have to get over it. Your deceased family members would want you to get on with your life and be enjoying the holidays, not moping around all depressed

It just becomes different. My dad passed right before his birthday, upcoming wedding anniversary to my mom, and the Holidays. I think it took me about 5 years for the initial heavy grief to become lighter for me—his death affected me more than I actually thought that it would. Now coming up on 15 years have passed since he died; you don’t stop missing or grieving per se, but rather the sad feelings kind of become detached from the memories and you get to enjoy them and your recollections of your deceased parent more fondly and objectively. Wishing you peaceful and happy memories of your dad as much as possible, OP.

The loss of a husband/partner is far more traumatic and harder to get over. The death of a parent pales in comparison. I mean, parents are supposed to die long before their children.

Some things you never get used to.

My dad died in 2003 and I've never once wept over his death and I don't miss him. The way he raised me made that very easy.

R39, you must have been a wonderful son.

R39, you must have been a wonderful son.

I was a better son to him than he was a father to me.

My father died 3 weeks after Christmas and I had moved overseas the month before so had to rush back. He was only 65. This was nearly 30 years ago. It does get easier except for the countless moments I wish he was here so I could ask him about art and painting, and discuss ideas. The worst part was that our relationship at the time of his death was frosty to say the least. Unfortunately, unresolved issues made accepting his death much harder.

I'm sorry, R39. Even though I do not know anything about you, since you recognize that your relationship was not a good, you no doubt try to do better in your relationships with others. And for that, you're a good man and a better one than your father. be proud of that.

I still get choked up thinking about my parents, close aunts and others who have gone before me. My mother was the hardest loss - died right after 9/11 18 years ago - she was a friend and I was a year before I stopped thinking wait until I tell her that! This time of year It helps making the same Christmas cookies she made and loved. I also keep her alive by passing on her wisdom.... "Nothing is worth fighting over." "You never stop worrying about your kids." Both my father and mother were very gracious people - something I aspire to all the time.

Thank you so much for all your thoughtful wonderful posts. My thoughts are with those of you who have shared about your lost loved ones.

When my mother died five years ago, I was relieved because she had been very ill for three years. She was in hospice and it was inevitable. But now I miss her more than before because I think of her younger and in good health. I'm not sad - I just miss her. I've almost forgotten how she was when she was sick It's worse now than five years ago because when I "talk to her," she's 65 years old and her old self.

My dad died five years ago. He and I both loved geography, and I enjoyed telling him about experiences meeting people from obscure countries. Now when I run across folks from places like Chad, I have to realize that's not possible.

Gradually, acceptance sets in.

After a few years it becomes different. I wouldn't say easier, but different.

OP, give yourself more time and kindness, you’re doing ok. Some years ago, my partner, who I loved to the moon and back, died on Christmas Eve. He and my mother were close too, so the whole of that Christmas was spent with us two weeping uncontrollably. He really was the most lovely guy, clever and smart and witty, and brave all the way through his illness.

The holiday was just painful and difficult for several years after, but nobody around me felt that it shouldn't be. I’d politicise my grief by putting a tree covered in red ribbons in my front window, with the lights on. I’d cry in the supermarket when I bought his favourite brand of stuffing. I’d lock myself away for an hour on Christmas Eve to sob my heart out. And over time, it got easier. About 5 years after his death, I met my current husband. If you’re reading this honey, I don’t know how you put up with me, but I’m glad you do.

Parents - Partner = it is NOT the same.

It does if your dad was a pedophile OP.

When I first saw this thread by scrolling, I thought it read "Death of a parrot: Does it get easier?

OP This may sound harsh but I don’t care. My dad died when I was 12 (he was 37). My mum died when she was 80 (I was 52) after living with dementia for twenty years.

Count your fucking blessings.

R58 It does. All the crackers they want in heaven. And no need to change the newspapers on the bottom of the cage anymore.

R55, are you a clairvoyant?

I agree with R54. Very often, parents die a long, lingering death and you have years of worrying yourself sick about them and caring for them. When my mother got sick, caring for her became so incredibly stressful I got severe ulcerative colitis and could barely function for many years after her death. I think taking care of her and dad took years off my life. Both times it was horrific stress for years.

What I would say is the worst thing is having unresolved business with your parent. You never get over it, although the immediacy fades.

My mom went to the hospital, I was driving to see her. I was trying to make it to the hospital by end of visiting hours. That day, there was a bad accident on the freeway and I was delayed quite a bit, but could still make it for a short visit. I drove another hour or so and there was another bad accident. Traffic completely stopped. I could see I wasn’t going to make the hospital that night, but drove on to stay at my sister’s that night. In the morning, we were literally walking out the front door and the phone rang. The hospital was calling to say my mother had fallen into a coma. She never woke up again. We went, but she was brain dead and couldn’t have understood us.

The bad thing was, we were estranged by then and I never had a chance to settle things with her. So it was just left hanging, forever. We had been extremely close and she was my best friend, but she was also mentally ill so our relationship was very up and down. I have more sad memories than happy ones.

This situation has haunted me for years. It’s like a conversation that just stopped in the middle. At the time of her death, her mental situation was very disordered. We were estranged because she had a delusion that I was going to kill her, and I had to stay away for my own safety, because she was telling many people I was threatening her or something. I deliberately moved very far away to protect myself. I was afraid to go see her and dreading it because of that. When it happened, I felt like God or fate had intervened so I wouldn’t see her and avoided some type of nasty scene at the hospital. She died in October, so before I knew it, it was Christmas. Her estate was a mess, so the repercussions went right through, almost to the holiday.

That did it for Christmas for about three or four years. The first year was a nightmare, just crying all the time. It still puts a bit of a damper on it because she really loved Christmas. She was what made Christmas fun. It’s never been the same since. Now that both parents are gone, I do much less. I have her beautiful, elaborate ornaments. I try and remember happier years.

R56 No I sink like a rock.

Why do you ask?

Depends. Did you kill them?

With time.

bless ur heart, it does get easier, know that theyr near u and love u alwys….they will protect u and guide u thru life...

get a pet, it helps a lot..

You don’t get over it. You adjust and move on with your life.

Here's an interesting video of Dick Cavett interviewing Mae West where he asks her about her mother's death. She says it was "the worst tragedy of [her] life" and it took her three years to pull out of her depression. The clip occurs at 6:07 in the linked video.

I don't feel like I will ever get over the death of my doggie who was 17....been 6 months and I cant get out of bed.

While not easy, I was never traumatized by parents deaths like those here. It was always at the forefront of my mind that they got to live full lives - when so many I knew lost their lives before 35 to AIDS. Never felt that parents death were unfair or uniquely sad. Just a fact of life.

I never thought my parents deaths were unfair at the ages of 82 and 84 - just horribly miss them - and to be honest my youthful past and their wisdom with the difficulties of life.

Parents were judgemental and a burden when alive. I am kinda grateful I don’t have to deal with them. Felt freeing when they died.

[quote]You don’t get over it.

Yeah you do, R62.

Add me to the list who doesn’t see my parents' deaths as tragedies. They were both 90 and very ill. They led fascinating lives and we were very close in the last decade. I told them that I loved them every single day. I’ll always miss them, of course, but there was no unfinished business between us.

Death is inevitable. It is a part of life. We SHOULD lose our parents. It’s when things go the other way round that's a tragedy.

Feel the pleasant or fond connection with your lost one when you appreciate what he, or she, appreciated. Don't mourn the loss. Enjoy having conditions around you that pleased the deceased and provide you not just with comfort but with a rather nice sensation of your beloved deceased being right there with you sharing your joy.

It does not get easier. I had a terribly hard time killing both my parents.

Cute, R71.

For me, OP, it got harder. Dad died when I was 5 and I've spent a lifetime since then trying to fill that void. (I'd say 'fill that hole,' but...this is the DL).

A guy shows me the least amount of attention and I fall. Hard. Usually, it's a narcissist who is trying to fuck with me; by the time I realize this I'm in too deep. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

I'm afraid after Mom goes I'll be so sad, I'll end it all.

Family's dysfunctional. Can't find a guy. Best friend committed suicide. I think I want to leave my pitiful 401K to his wife and kid and just end it. I"m tired.

It was difficult the first couple of years...my parents died on the same day, one year apart, which was weird, Mom going last, 3 years ago. Christmas was especially difficult and sad. Then last Christmas I got this bizarre urge to decorate my apartment within an inch of it's life for Christmas. I decorated with all the old decorations my parents and grandparents had...from the 50's-through the 90's. Friends liked it too though one remarked that it looked like an old Woolworth's blew up in here. Anyway, all I know is that was a huge change for me-the decorations didn't make me sad anymore-they just helped me remember all the happy Christmases we'd had as a family-and some not-so-nice, more like something out of an Edward Albee play. It sounds so cliche, but I think you really just have to give time...time.

After my mom died, her selfish bitch sister stopped inviting me to Thanksgiving and Christmas because she didn't have to anymore - making her death a thousand times worse.

Frankly, that sounds like a plus, r74. You’re well rid of her. Start a new tradition. Go to a nice restaurant with friends and tell fun stories about your moms.

Of course- and the memories become comfort- melancholy perhaps but comfort. Most people out live their parents and reconcile to it. Life- in fact one of life’s milestones- if you are lucky.

I think that how the parent died plays a large part in how you feel as time goes by. My mom died last year 3 days before Christmas at home in front of our family. She was diagnosed with cancer in July and spent her last few months at home. We helped care for her during a very difficult illness and it was extremely stressful. My brother had a heart attack a month before she died, I had one a week after she died. As Christmas approaches I'm dreading it, I know it will be difficult I'm just not sure how I will react. Right now I just want to stay home and sleep through the whole thing. I know that it gets easier, i stopped crying every day after about a month, I stopped thinking about her the minute I woke up in the morning after about 4 months. I don't think it ever goes away but it does get easier.

Not now, but eventually, I'll have to plan an escape.

Meaning you know...ending it all before the pain and loss become unbearable.

Maybe I'll get reincarnated and come back luckier.

The high point to having deceased parents is you save a ton of money on gifts you no longer have to buy.

Hearing how sad and depressed so many are after the death of their parents makes me feel slightly better about having toxic parents - at least my life got better instead of worse when they died.

[quote] As for the sadness, it lessens. But suddenly out of the blue, something will hit me that gets me all emotional. It's strange how that works.

Very much so. My dad died nearly 20 years ago. I thought I was at peace with it and then out of the blue, at year 15, was blindsided by a delayed grief reaction so strong I needed a therapist to work through it. I wish I’d seen a therapist at the outset to process the grief properly.

I know, R75, this was ten years ago. My aunt had been okay for a few years, and right after my mother's death. Then she went back to her old bitch self. I avoid her but she manages to be at my nephew's graduations etc, which means I don't go.

My dad died from cancer almost 3 years ago. His death was a really big upheaval and, I don't know, a lot of the problems he never dealt with in life were dumped on me. Like my mentally ill mother, but whatever. His death was a really, really stressful time and I really resent his lack of planning (he refused to make a will!!!). That's selfish, but it's true. The last year of his life was so chaotic that it's overridden the years and years of "good moments" and memories we had together.

Every few weeks I have dreams about him, but they're either about him being sick and his illness OR somehow he ended up not dying/faked his death and I end up worrying about how to stop the insurance company from finding out that he faked his death. So weird.

All horrible losses seem to be worse over the Xmas holidays. Whether it be a parent, child, lover, dog, best friend... Time does mend but it never actually HEALS sadly..

A lot of people die over the holidays. I read somewhere that people tend to die around milestones, birthdays, Christmas or anniversaries.

I’m so very sorry.