Relationships with Bipolar People: Stay or Run Far Far Away?

Say that you go through something very difficult and that you need to be on your own for a while. Change your phone number and locks. If he starts stalking you, consider moving.

Bi-polars often refuse to take their prescribed medication and sometimes self medicate by using hard drugs like heroin or meth instead. They are bad news, OP.

Yes.

Run for the hills now.

My experience with people who are bi-polar has been tricky. They can be very nice when they're normal or on a downswing, but they're nightmares when they're manic. Most of the ones I've know are good at taking their meds (once they're past 25 and realize no one will deal with them if they don't, including their families), but sometimes they need their meds adjusted.

I would not consider them to be like people with borderline, where you will never win and should just run for the hills when you meet them. Manics are usually pretty cognizant of their problems (unlike BPDs), and want to be healthy (again unlike BPDs).

Agree with r3, strongly.

Borderlines are a nightmare. Bipolars usually don’t intend to hurt you.

It’s ok so long as he takes his meds and is in constant therapy, and so long as you have the wherewithal to hand the more minor highs and lows that come with medically treated bipolar disorder.

Bipolar I or II OP this makes all the difference. I is much more serious.

Why do we have the same thread every three months?

I dated a BPD guy for almost a year. He didn't tell me about his affliction until the eighth month. By then, we had been through a couple titanic swings in his behavior. When he was properly medicated, he was darling -- sweet, compassionate, "present" in our relationship. But there were also times when he went on wildly erratic rampages -- hanging out with some of his uninhibited friends to go drinking and carousing, making outrageous claims of being manipulated by his work supervisor, his family, me. One of his friends texted me to explain his inconsistent behavior. I didn't respond to the friend, but asked the guy I was dating about it. He said he was diagnosed as manic-depressive when he was a teenager, bipolar diagnosis later. He explained that he was successfully treated until he went off his parents' insurance, and that he could afford treatment only when he had the money.

We worked on communication and coping skills for several weeks after, with more or less satisfactory results. The new year was approaching, and I was at his apartment. His open enrollment benefits package was on the table, so I started leafing through the various insurance plans available to him and his coworkers. The guy had full coverage medical insurance (mostly paid by his employer). He lied to me about being able to afford BPD medications. I confronted him about it and he blew a head gasket. He said he didn't like the drugs because they made him feel out of control. He said he couldn't remember to take them. He didn't want to do the counseling required to monitor his condition.

I broke up with him a week before Christmas. He threw gifts he had already bought for me at my front door. One of them was a nice olive oil and balsamic vinegar set. They shattered on my door and left a mess. Luckily, he never returned or contacted me again.

A mood disorder like depression or bipolar disorder is literally in a different category from a personality disorder like borderline or narcissistic personality disorder. Even though people tend to abbreviate both bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder as BPD, adding to the confusion.

I don't know, R6. He stated that he takes medication for it, and I didn't realize that there are two different categories. I'm inclined to drop everything at this point anyway. The inconsistencies are too disturbing.

Sorry, R7, I've only started this thread to find out people's most recent experiences with and knowledge about the disorder. I've not participated in any previous threads about it.

I'm married to one and its getting weird, This, after 20 years together. I am emotionally detaching ,but a full separation/divorce would be too complicated. I am too old for that.

r11, it's always a red flag when somebody moves too fast at the beginning of a relationship, and moving 500 miles to be near someone they've never even met is like a fucking red tarp.

Bipolar, a liar, and no impulse control. Why would you even consider this to be relationship material?

There's bipolar and then there's bipolar, just like there's normal and then there's normal. No human being is a guarantee of sanity.

Stay, explore, if it gets very difficult then decide. If you love them don't make a decision based on "possibilities".

Oh, please. As long as you take medication and are compliant you’re fine. It’s not a personality disorder.

I have been stalked and abused by an undiagnosed ex partner for 15 years now, it's a fucking nightmare. RUN OP, and RUN FAST

Disengage, OP.

To be on the safe side: Change your email and phone numbers. Warn your supervisor that you ended a relationship with someone who has emotional issues, in case he acts out towards you in that direction. Warn your family who are listed on the public sites when you type your name into Google, not to give out your contact information and why. Keep the info you have of him, in case he starts stalking or harassing you.

I hope he takes it well and that's all totally unnecessary but, better to be safe than sorry.

Good luck!

[quote] He said he was diagnosed as manic-depressive when he was a teenager, bipolar diagnosis later.

You do realize that's the exact same thing. What used to be called "manic-depressive" is now called "bipolar."

Considering that he’s a liar, OP, he may not be telling you the truth about being bipolar. He may have a serious personality disorder and is using “bipolar” as a euphemism for that.

Just run away. There are plenty of fish in the sea, why settle for someone this risky?

Bipolar could be ok, but moving hundreds of miles before you’ve met each other etc, is not ok.

R18 Yes, I know that. But when he was a teenager, it was called manic-depression, so I used that term.

OP sounds old and undiagnosed.

OP, the fact that bipolars have a 90% divorce rate should tell you everything you need to know.

Are there bipolar dating apps where bipolars and bipolar chasers and their admirers can meet? There are ones for many other conditions, but seems like a good idea to match bipolars with each other.

R8, I could cope with someone with the quirks you described. But any guy who bought me a “nice olive oil and balsamic vinegar set” would be DUMPED.

[quote]He threw gifts he had already bought for me at my front door. One of them was a nice olive oil and balsamic vinegar set. They shattered on my door and left a mess.

MARY!

[quote] OP, the fact that bipolars have a 90% divorce rate should tell you everything you need to know.

Link... and over half of all marriages end in divorce.

Bipolar dating.

When you deliberately ask for drama (like when you date someone with bipolar disorder willingly) don't complain, or wonder, about all the drama in your life.

In other news, are cancer patients undateable, what with all their tiresome suffering and not being positive fantasy-sluts all the time?

A bipolar friend will call, start talking and never end. I have to scream into the phone to get a word in. Now I mostly hold the phone away from my head and let ramble on.

[quote] In other news, are cancer patients undateable, what with all their tiresome suffering and not being positive fantasy-sluts all the time?

Because cancer patients sure have the extra energy to search for a boyfriend during chemotherapy. And don't they look so sexy and radiant?

My sister was married to a bi-polar man. The problem was, although medicines controlled it to some extent, the behaviors that had developed to defend himself emotionally when he was growing up (and before his illness was diagnosed) never went away. THAT was the bigger problem.

Their divorce literally took 8 years and $400,000 because he’s an asshole

A guy I know stopped taking bipolar medication, said pot calmed him down. Didn't work. He got horny, invited an under age boy to the house. Someone walked in on them. He's now in the state prison.

R35 Bipolar people are "highly sexed". This makes them reckless and promiscuous. Think Britney, before her father stepped in.

OP keep in mind that Britney Spears is an adult with millions at her disposal and she is still under a conservatorship.

I wonder if these bipolar people who will not take their meds are really bipolar at all. Maybe they are misdiagnosed. I mean if you are bipolar how could you NOT take your meds? The manic phases and the depressive phases would have to be unbearable.

R12, R21, & R36 Have all hit on the highlights. They're very impetuous and impulsive during the manic phase. I should think an idea like moving 500 miles to be near you was hatched in a manic phase.

Questions for you OP: Did you try to dissuade him from moving? Did he get a transfer with his job, or happen to have better career oppurtunities near you? Did you question how he could predicate such a move without meeting in person a few times first? Even in passionately romantic, Petrarchan lesbian lore, this behaviour is scary.

R12, R21, & R36 Have all hit on the highlights. They're very impetuous and impulsive during the manic phase. I should think an idea like moving 500 miles to be near you was hatched in a manic phase.

Questions for you OP: Did you try to dissuade him from moving? Did he get a transfer with his job, or happen to have better career oppurtunities near you? Did you question how he could predicate such a move without meeting in person a few times first? Even in passionately romantic, Petrarchan lesbian lore, this behaviour is scary.

[quote]Oh, please. As long as you take medication and are compliant you’re fine. It’s not a personality disorder.

True.

What is also true:

You can be bipolar AND have a personality disorder.

OP’s guy may have an undiagnosed personality disorder.

OR he has a diagnosed personality disorder, but kept that to himself because he’s a liar and feels entitled to a significant relationship and captive audience member.

OP, while you may not have all the pertinent, accurate information there is about this guy, you certainly have all the information you need.

As Carmella Soprano’s therapist told her (something like), “Believe it. Don’t believe it. But you can never say no one ever told you.”

Anything after this is all on you.

This is a really good movie. If a guy looked like Mark Ruffalo I might! give jt a try

[quote] OP keep in mind that Britney Spears is an adult with millions at her disposal and she is still under a conservatorship.

She most likely has schizoaffective.

[quote] You can be bipolar AND have a personality disorder.

No, you cannot. It’s either one of the other. Personality disorders can mimic bipolar disorder and vice versa, but they are never seen together.

Yeah I think Brit is schizophrenic. Strange how people think all these disorders are interchangeable.

R44 it's incredible how people like you can be so confident in their ignorance! What you typed is completely untrue. I linked to a scholarly article saying that bipolar is very often comorbid with personality disorders, especially from Cluster B.

R40, he works for a national company that can easily accommodate a transfer. In the next few days I'll email him a list of reasons why jumping into this is a bad idea. I suspect that will end things abruptly. If not, then it will force a conversation to cover all of the topics/inconsistencies he tends to avoid. At this point I'm very much inclined to call the whole thing off without meeting him anyway.

R46 is of course completely correct. Such people live with what is referred to as a Multi-Axis Diagnosis.

In dealing with these people, justifying their own BS and sidestepping rational responses to their bizarre behavior is a perfected art form. You may need to just cut off contact.

Best wishes OP. Do be sure to keep us updated, and remember it is wise not to consider those we communicate online with, as "friends"... an acquaintance is even stretching things a bit until you meet them in person. I'm not completely cynical, yet it's best to be safe and cautious. Perhaps do not spurn him immediately or entirely, if he does move your way... I would treat him and the issue with kid gloves from here on out. You do not want to provoke him. You can be firm, and remain steadfast in your resolve without completely rejecting him overnight; ease into it.

Also OP, whatever you do, do NOT say it's his Bi-Polar Disorder that has changed your mind. You've met someone else quite recently, or you've realised you're still madly in love with your ex, etc etc. Make it all about you, and you're very sorry.

I"d say that the inconsistencies in his story are the true alarm right now. Whether it's because he's bipolar, or on drugs, or has a crappy memory -- whatever -- this would definitely be an occasion for this to go sloooooowly, and moving 500 miles is not a slow move.

If he’s moving that far on a whim, it may be a lie that his company will cover it. Bipolars lie all the time about everything.

I have a bipolar relative. Refuses to admit she’s bipolar although she has been diagnosed. Refuses to take meds. Has worsened as she gets older, which is not uncommon. Self medicates with alcohol and prescription anxiety meds she doctor-shops for. Hides booze everywhere and can be dead drunk and not show it.

She went from a productive person with a job to homeless living in her car. She got fired from every job for cause within TWO OR THREE DAYS. Is that what you want to deal with?

When she’s manic, she cannot follow a conversation. Just talks and talks and cannot hear anything you’re saying, even if it’s really important. Like, “The house is on fire. We should leave.” “Guess what I bought at the store yesterday?” I’m not exaggerating. This is how bad it is.

We tried to do an intervention and get her in rehab. She refused. Instead she picked up a guy and immediately moved in with him. She slept in her car until then. The guy couldn’t handle her and ended up going off his own meds, beating her up, and she ended up in the hospital. It was like watching Sid and Nancy play out in real time. Keep in mind that this was a woman who spent her entire early career working for corporations. She was very polished and intelligent.

It is very likely this guy is moving to be with you, not because he’s in love with you, but because he’s been thrown out of yet another job or apartment or both, has burned every bridge in town, has nowhere to go, and you’re the best bet. Everything else is a lie. These people just lie lie lie lie lie. About everything.

They also steal. Lock up your valuables, because they feel entitled to take whatever you have, because “it’s not fair” that they can’t hold a job, stop abusing drugs, or stop acting like an asshole. They resent people for being in control of their lives and successful, and will laugh at you behind your back while they’re stealing from you, because you deserve it for “being so smug“ about being stable.

The person I described above isn’t my only experience with bipolars. I ran into another one recently. Turns out after our casual acquaintance of several years, he had lied for years about his housing situation. Squatting with an old lady that pitied him was represented as “I own my own home and have lived in it for years.” Being unable to hold any job for years was represented as “I have a full time job.” Neglected, dirty pets were represented as “my pets are the love of my life.” A clean-looking person, who presented as respectable-looking, lived in an unbelievably filthy environment and had almost no physical possessions. His entire family and friends had cut off all contact. The more he told me about himself, the more red flags there were. As someone said upthread, it wasn’t a red flag, it was more like a red tarp. Everything about him was a lie.

I know several other bipolar people, and the above description is just the tip of the iceberg. It can get a lot worse than even what I’ve described above.

1. In this case, I would back out. He’s moving way too quickly

2. I have Bipolar Disorder. I also have a university degree and recently retired after 30 years. I’ve been with my partner for 32 years.

3. I take my medication.

I am not:

A liar. A thief A substance abuser

R54, you are also not in denial that you are bipolar, or an alcoholic or drug abuser. If you were, you’d be out of control and off your meds. You are a small minority.

I have a lot of experience with bipolar people. My sister married one. That’s a whole other story I won’t bore you with. As well as other people I won’t discuss on this thread.

The main thing to remember is that there are two kinds of bipolars that cause problems; people that deny they’re bipolar, or claim they don’t need meds, and get worse by the day, which is MANY. Instead they self medicate and are out of control because of drug and alcohol abuse. A lot of bipolars don’t like the way they feel on meds, so they stabilize, decide they’re cured, and quit taking their meds. Then they get worse. Until something happens and their situation is so messed up, they end up back on meds for a while. Over and over. Wash rinse repeat. Meanwhile their loved ones go through fucking hell.

Second, people who really are trying to get better, but can’t find a good balance of prescription medications. Those people need to concentrate on achieving stability and good health, and leave other people alone until they can do so. Again, a very small minority are willing to do that, or even admit their behavior is abusive to others.

If you are stable, good for you. Bipolar is a life long situation. The number of people who are willing to maintain themselves as if they have a life long illness, and always be vigilant, and are willing to listen to loved ones’ concerns, is very small. The ones that are unwilling to consider their illnesses’ effect on others’ lives are pretty common.

One guy I know was on meds for thirty years and then decided to go off. He rapidly declined and is now an active alcoholic again, abusive, and harasses people he knows online. After thirty years of stability. Because he didn’t like the way the meds made him feel, and decided he didn’t need them any more. That’s part of the illness, a feature and not a bug. Very common.

R53 You just described my deceased bipolar sister (took her own life). You described her to a T.

A 57 year-old, educated, polished former professional with a daughter. I cannot tell you the number of times she was hospitalized throughout her adult life. She opted to ignore the fact that just because you feel "fine" you still have to take your meds.

She always had everything in the world going for her and yet; the lying, reckless promiscuity, the sense of entitlement, taking people for everything their worth, never her fault, pitting people against each other with lies and half-truths, burning through family relationships, friends, men, jobs, shelling out huge amounts of money for things and then throwing them away or destroying them, the number of cars she destroyed, getting arrested for shoplifting at Walmart and then physically attacking the responding officers.

Over the past three years; 13 different hospitals, at least 9 encounters with the police, lies, lies, lies and more lies, bullying, taking and then taking some more, zero appreciation for people who saints when it came to helping her.

Etc.

If things were going too well she just had to create chaos, she just had to ruin everything. Opted to go off her meds and her daughter's high school graduation and then go off them again at her daughter's college graduation (as you can probably guess, the two graduations were marred by her presence). .

You would have thought she had just attended her daughters funeral given the amount of self-pity she had for herself (no, not given the amount of responsibility she took for own actions or any sense of remorse for her actions).

(And yet we still grieve her. It is as of it took her leaving this life to be able to actually miss her or to be able to appreciate the better times we had with her.)

Sorry to go on like this but thank you for putting it into words for me R53.

R53 /R55 nails it. Thanks for you posts.

A friend of mine was in a long-term relationship with a bipolar man who is medication-compliant and has an excellent career. The friend said he had to terminate the relationship due to a pattern of dishonesty and disloyalty. He didn't mention anything whatsoever about his former partner's bipolar disorder.

"Narcissism is bi-polar in its intensity. Many people who have lived or are living with an individual who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder know the sudden lows that come after the highs. Sometimes within minutes of being a 'fun-loving delight' the individual becomes dark, moody and angry. The mood is like a black ink, permeating everything surrounding it. The the 'walking on broken glass' and the inevitable abuse begins."

- author unknown

run gurl you in danger

“A lot of bipolars don’t like the way they feel on meds, so they stabilize, decide they’re cured, and quit taking their meds. Then they get worse. Until something happens and their situation is so messed up, they end up back on meds for a while. Over and over. Wash rinse repeat. Meanwhile their loved ones go through fucking hell.”

That was life with my first husband.

Run for the hills or be patients with them, especially when they are off their meds or their meds need adjustment.

Hello. I'm a narcissist. I'm pretending that I'm in a long distance relationship with someone who is bipolar so I can imagine a scenario in which I run away from someone instead of them running away from me.

In the meantime, 'tis the season. I have to find some unsuspecting mall Santa to molest. We will all pretend it's cute some 50 middle aged loser with a bizarre eyebrow situation grinds on Santa's lap.

Meanwhile, some child in line for Santa will be told not to stare and to please not use the word "retarded."

run run run

That's disgusting, off base and unfunny, R63.

Also, R40/R48, I encountered more lies and inconsistencies with him over the weekend. Fed up. I ended it this morning.

Good for you, OP. You’ll never know what you’ve spared yourself.

R28, link below. The US divorce rate is 41%, the bipolar divorce rate is more than double that. Mentally unstable people have unstable relationships.

As usual the comments section is way more informative than the article itself. Looks like most of them are spouses of bipolar people. A lot of those women need to put down the phone, pick up the car keys and drive to a battered women’s shelter *right now*

Stephen Fry, who is himself bipolar, did a great documentary on this topic. The stats are grim. 50% of bipolars attempt suicide, half of those attempts are successful. Another 25% are low functioning, which means they need to be taken care of their entire lives. 25% percent can function at a basic level, which means that they can hold down menial jobs, but nothing too demanding or stressful. The last 25% are high functioning and can perform well in demanding jobs.

OP- they can be compulsive liars and very convincing. They can also be very charming. Don't let him sweet talk you to make you change your mind.

If anyone feels like getting into a relationship with a bipolar person, read the comments at R68. I saw my mother in almost every post.

One of the sad things is all the posters who said they had children with these people. Either the children were subject to endless emotional abuse and constant stress due to the unpredictable moods of the bipolar person, or they were bipolar themselves and difficult and unhappy since early childhood. Anybody who deliberately reproduces with someone with such a serious illness is grossly irresponsible and needs to be checked out themselves.

How much do you hate yourself that you would even consider dating someone who will make your life a living hell??

I have bi-polar II. Before I was diagnosed with it in my early thirties I was diagnosed with plain old vanilla depression and treated with just anti-depressants, and boy was I miserable. The mood swings, anxiety, almost *tantrum* like explosions when things weren't going my way. When I finally got the right diagnosis and was put on the right combination of mood-stabilizers ( it takes a while) it was like night and day. No more crazy escalations. No more drifting from job to job; I just felt deeply settled in my soul. A few yrs later when I met my partner and we got married I had it put into our vows that I would always stay committed to my mental health treatment ( both meds and therapy) because I knew this was essential to the health of our relationship. Plus to be honest I NEVER want to go back to some of those dark days. * Brrr*

I know lots of other bi-polars, and I'm not bragging or anything, but it seems to me that Bi-polar II's seem * slightly* more inclined to take their meds and stay in counseling than BP I's. Maybe because they have a little more perspective on their own illness? Either way, I assure you it can be a very, very scary illness to contend with- I feel at times like horrible depression or anxiety are monsters I never want to let out of the box again both for my sanity and my husband's ( though of course I still have difficult times) so I stick to my regimen as much as I can.

This thread is so beyond ignorant but that’s nothing new for Datalounge.

Then why not actually enlighten and inform us ignoramuses beyond whatever dreaded point we've reached, R74?

Read the comments section at R68. There’s a bunch of spouses of bipolar people, that describe being absolutely beaten and defeated emotionally, if not physically. Many of them say they have sacrificed their lives and expect to never have a moment’s peace in their lives.

They come across as people who are extremely committed to their marriages, often for religious reasons, but expect their lives to never get better. They use the same words over and over: misery, hopelessness, sacrifice, and they warn people not to marry bipolar people. Virtually everyone describes the spouse as worsening over the years. Lots of descriptions of spouses refusing to take meds or refusing to admit their diagnoses. A few cases of meds not working. A lot of people desperately crying out for help, saying the therapist isn’t listening or understanding the seriousness of the situation.

When you read someone saying, he threw me against the wall and broke my ribs, I don’t know how much longer I can stand this, and they’re looking for validation to leave someone they are convinced will kill themselves or be unable to pay bills the minute they’re gone, you realize what a total failure the therapy community is at treating this. The spouses need therapy as much as the patients do.

Then there’s the few posts of bipolar people engaged enough to post themselves. They insist they’re better off without their meds, rage at posters telling their life stories, saying how dare they describe their own lives living with their own spouses as so bad, saying they make bipolar people in general look bad, and insisting they’re not like those people, although their refusal to admit the toll their illness takes on their spouse proves they are exactly like those people.

One feature I really noticed because it perfectly describes my mother, is spouses describing a bipolar spouse who was calm about some imaginary slight in front of people, and then would go home and scream their head off hysterically about it as soon as they were alone with their family. Boy do I remember that growing up. It was like flipping a switch as soon as the front door closed.

Another interesting point was a very high sex drive, and the bipolar spouse becoming angry if the other spouse couldn’t keep up. One guy with a pregnant wife was telling everybody he knew his wife would never give him sex when he wanted it. In reality they had sex eight times a day and he was angry she was pregnant, although he was the one insisting she get pregnant. I guess he was angry she couldn’t have sex more, so he changed his mind in the middle of her pregnancy.

I know a lot of guys in this site would hear a guy wanted sex eight times a day and think that was great. Judging by the comments, chances are people like that are bipolars in a manic phase, so proceed carefully the next time you see that. They may not be worth the drama.

Another concern was non bipolar (male) spouses being beaten or abused by a spouse, then they find out the police or family members are told they’re the ones doing the beatings. Especially if there’s a fight or a breakup.

Reading that comment section was like reading my childhood. So many of those people are so relieved to talk to others with their same experience. It reminds me of that Children of Hoarders site. People that are so relieved to finally get their experiences off their chest in front of people who understand. They’re not getting any practical help anywhere, so they just want somebody to listen. Again and again, people writing, so what do I do? No answer.

Reading this thread makes me think I am bipolar.

Run. I struggle with severe depression and anxiety, as well as other mood imbalance disorders due to some weird genetic shit that's been passed down from every male on my dad's side of the family. As someone with mental health problems I doubt I would ever date somebody with more than just anxiety disorder. Seeing how taxing it is to be around me and the ripple effects disorders have on both the people who have them and the folks around the people who have them, I don't think I could handle it.

I don't think I could ever date somebody with any mental issues beyond mild anxiety. It's just too much work. We all have our problems, but we're also not required to carry the baggage of others.

If they’re doped up, they can be okay.

No, just NO.

You'd know this OP if you had crazy in your family and couldn't escape them at one point that NOTHING is worth the constant vigilance of being mindful and respectful of a psych patients triggers.

I’ve been in two relationships with people with Bipolar disorder. They were completely fine and actually joked about it.

This will end in tears.